Denial


I am in denial. Not full-fledged, I am so delusional I am actually believing it denial, but it is denial nonetheless. The severity of my situation gets more real and draws closer with every day that passes. Worst-case scenarios are dancing around with wild abandon and CNN has me with a glass of cyanide in one hand, razor blade in the other and a gun under my pillow. Apparently,  CNN is also the Doom & Gloom Channel and sooner rather than later, it will be kill or be killed here in America. I thought I had some steam and fight left in me after my visit with The Oscars, but it faded fast. I fell once again into despair and complacency (not as strongly though) and I found a security blanket to hold onto that helps me feed the denial. White Baby.

So, like I have told you guys before, since my last act of stupidness with the AFO 10 weeks ago, I have not seen Mother Nature except for 2 days, and even then it was both erratic and sporadic. Since then, I have started joking with friends and family about having White Baby…which is strange in itself as I have never wanted a child of my own. My past colored my present with that issue and really, I am a great baby-sitter but would make a lousy parent. There would be no gray areas with my child (it would be one extreme or the other)  and it already has two strikes against it from the beginning: a father who does not know I exist, let alone the baby and is issue-laden..possibly insane; a mother who has NO idea what she is doing, totally impatient and an addict to boot. Breakfast would be pop-tarts and a juice box and dinner would be cut up hotdogs, spaghettios and peas and carrots while talking to the homework helpline. I know I need a pregnancy test and a doctor’s visit ASAP but right now, I simply cannot afford to know what is wrong with me on any level: financially, emotionally or mentally. So I choose to embrace White Baby because at this point in time, pregnancy could be the best thing ever to happen. I do not believe in being government dependent, but time, circumstances and my choices have led me here and frankly, I AM government dependent. White Baby could extend that, if he/she exists.

Of course, part of me is still rational and somewhat sane, so it is time to make new (different) choices and implement some sort of change….it is evident that I am going to need to switch gears, directions and/or tactics with the job search and I am contemplating different fields/scenarios. Should I choose to make the arrangements a full-time gig, I would have to make adjustments accordingly as they would now be my main source of income, not a supplement but that is not what I want. Besides being a hit or miss affair however I carried it, I like being able to select who I see and when I see them. I like making my own schedule and calling the shots and I like knowing that I could walk away from this when I am ready, not being tossed aside and overlooked because I have worn myself out. I am thinking of submitting some writings to publishing houses but that is an iffy affair also…however, I do like writing, I think I do it very well and at least it is exposure. Cab driving is a consideration but too much money has to be laid out before and during…and that prospect is even more iffy and dangerous than the arrangements.

I want to work smart, not hard so cooking in a diner/restaurant is out (that would be too much pressure, too many distractions), retail would be too hard on my feet and nerves (holiday shoppers are reminders of Hell)  and housekeeping would be okay but I would have to be independent with no one around. And they have to pay well….I once cleaned a house that I thought was huge (coming from the girl with the studio apartment)….my entire apartment would have only covered half of the master suite and I was paid very well for it but it took forever to clean AND the entire family was home the entire time AND I had to clean baseboards. Yeah, that made me not want to consider domestic service ever again. I realize that I have to change my mind-set about a lot of things, but I also need to remain mindful of my own limitations, physically and mentally. What good is landing any job if all I am going to do is lose it in a matter of days or weeks, voluntarily or not?

And this is where White Baby steps in to wrap me up in denial….it will be okay because I have a child that I have to nurture and raise and take care of, and if there is a baby, the government will make sure I get to keep food, housing and income. Of course, referring to an imaginary security blanket as a real , actual being can be quite amusing and it gives me and the Panel some much needed humor relief…reality is closing in for a lot of us and any distraction or diversion is welcome at this time. But the best part of all of this is that with the situation becoming more dire and my maintaining of the denial is that for the first time in a long time, I am not in like, love or lust with anyone. Period. And that is so freeing and liberating, it is incredible. Who has time to analyze fucked up behaviors or search for a cuddle buddy to share my bed when I am running around with a potentially imaginary baby searching for ways and means to keep the damn bed so I can sleep in it? No need in searching for a relationship when you have nothing to bring to the table…right now, I just want to keep the table and the roof that covers it.

Yes, I am in denial and hoping that all the ugly things that threaten my way of life will disappear if I just keep my eyes shut long enough but my little cozy world of having White Baby as a safety net are coming to an end. I am going home for Thanksgiving week and I will first wrap myself in mommy and daddy love…I will tell them to rub my belly and make everything all right…and then I will talk to them like a responsible adult and seek advice, suggestions and swift kicks to the ass to break me out of the complacency and laziness I have wallowed in for far too long. I will shed my denial, face my reality and hopefully emerge unscathed and stronger than ever.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (I will try to post again before the holiday) and as usual….enjoy your day!

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