Think Awhile


It is late night and I am sitting here, listening to Ben Howard, Birdy and Youth Lagoon among many others on the current Zune playlist I have compiled. The tunes are a little melancholy and a tad bittersweet…kind of how I feel now. (Looking for You Again by Matthew Perryman Jones is my absolute favorite right now) I really have not blogged about what is going on with me, myself and I for a minute and that is a good thing…I think. Part of the reason is that I am boring and my life sucks right now. The other part is I really don’t know what to say about what I have been feeling…..I don’t know if it is acceptance or resignation. All I know is I have been doing a lot of thinking, it is not the way I thought it would be and my time is drawing near to put the wallowing away, wrap my head around it and make a plan.

I will start with I did not go to the Haunted House/Dead Man Walking Tour. I was so looking forward to it, but when the day arrived, I was lazy and blah. Then when I read up on it and found out I would have to be crawling through tight spaces…that sealed its fate. I have entirely too much belly to be crawling anywhere, especially in public. And Cuz rendered a decision on the Open Letter post…it is so shelved…at least for now. Cuz did say it was not hurtful but it was truthful and I came out with both guns blazing. I say it reads that way because it is the first missive that is not covered with love, caring and regrets. In any case, Cuz agrees that in the event of that 1 in a bazillion chance it gets back to Him, it would hurt innocent people and for some reason, Cuz has a soft spot for the Islanders on the Panel…the rest of us get the craziness and the curse outs, but the Islanders he will protect to the death.

Personally, I have no idea how it would get back to Him and if it did…who cares? At this point…fuck him with a 25 foot, rocket propelled dildo and keep it moving. It would be less painful than what him is going through now, and I will bet money on that statement. But I think I see their collective point…things I spoke on before about him were from experience…it was as much my story as it was him’s. Now, it is an entirely new story and even though him told and showed it to us… I really don’t have a role in this new story. I am still gonna tell it though…just not yet. Just know that all that is going on over there could not happen to a more deserving person.

Remember I told you guys that once again, my cycle was late? Well, Sandy blew in here and dropped off my monthly visitor (which had the Panel exhaling with relief) but then…she took it with her when she left. So who knows what is going on with me…in the 7 weeks since I was last with the man, I have had 2 days worth of spotting. All I know is every time I move past the brief, beautiful crazy that was AFO…I get reminders. Pop-up reminders. Maybe I need to drink more milk, eat more veggies and start taking vitamins just in case I pop up with a more permanent reminder this time around. I have the pregnancy test…now to get up the nerve to take it.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else…not sure who, but she would be able to fall in love with men who can fully and completely love her in return. And actually be in love with her. She would be the one who never got left and who got all the perks of a relationship in addition to the benefits. Then I play the tape all the way through….

Men cheat. A lot. I am not the chick who stays with a cheating man….I hang in there with a guy because I love him, not because I am desperate to say I have a man. I am not going to say the other person I would become would have a man who stays yet strays, but it is good possibility. After all, this is me…granted an extension, a figment…but it is still me. Or I could have made it work with him…who would forever be hung up on another, regardless of what him says. That is just who the man is…carrying around pieces of relationships and unrequited love . No wonder him is so stooped and slumped over. And AFO…forget it. His insatiable sexual appetite and cotton fetish would drive me through a wall….his moodiness, jealousy and bouts of random craziness would drive me out the door.

I have been in communication with the Unemployment Insurance office….my safety net is being pulled. I had a good 33-40 weeks left on the UI extension. Not that I was wanting to use all the weeks available, but until something comes through, I do need the few dollars a week they provide. Well, here is news for all those in the same boat as me: as of January 2, 2013…all UI extensions are stopped. You will be on.your.own. And I have no idea what to do about that. It is out of my control. Of course, the job search will be stepped up (I have even started applying to Craigslist jobs listings) and expanded, but I have been looking for how long? I was hoping to hear back from the temp agency about an assignment….one that would have been long term, even temp to perm. The assignment requested another person. Then they offered another assignment (short term but it was work) which was cancelled an hour later. Another temp agency I was registered with went out of business; not that they ever found me anything but they would submit my resume to various government agencies,  which was exposure at least. Once again, both the personal and the professional have gone to hell in a hand-basket. Together. I just cannot get a break or rejoice in anything in my life.  If I could just get that breakthrough upswing in one area of my life, maybe the rest will fall into place.

So this is my so-called, fucked up life and I want to say it  really it isn’t that bad…I still have 8 weeks of UI assistance; I have plenty of groceries (and can probably get food stamps once the UI stops); I did have irons in the fire job-wise, but the fire died out. And let’s not forget about the stupid choices I made in the heat of passion…maybe the picture is as bad as I paint it. But right now,  I am just too weary and worn out right now to worry or try to make things right. I just don’t have it in me to fight another battle right now.

Thanks for sticking with me through this rambling, random post and check back soon for updates and drama.

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