No Rest for the Weary

Hello, readers!. I am feeling 1000% better today…my internal mucous factory shut down. I wonder if the workers are on strike and waiting for their union reps to enter discussions on their behalf? No matter…enjoying the feeling of almost good health and being able to breathe through my nostrils again. Today’s blog post is based on an observation I made while laying in bed for two days: I’m tired! And it is not laziness…it is a combination of the mental, emotional and the physical abdominal pain. For some reason, people (meaning me) have misconceptions about certain situations (listed below) and I am here to share my experiences with them to dispel the myths and rumors.

Unemployment: Everyone thinks unemployment is some kind of vacation…you sleep late, eat bon-bons, watch soap operas and resume your professional life when you get ready to do so. I am here to tell you it is lies, lies, lies. Maybe the first 30 days are like a vacation…after all, you have been working long and hard without a break so you see a chance to catch up on some rest, finish up some projects. Catch up on your reading, your laundry…maybe catch a matinee movie or a museum exhibit. Yeah, for a little while it is “me” time in abundance while you wrap your head around what just happened and formulate your plans for the future. And then, before you know it, 30 days turns into 60 days which turns into 90 days…and you are still home watching time run out.  Because the one thing one must stay mindful of (and your friends and family will help you out with this, even though you don’t need reminding)…unemployment has an expiration date on two levels: financially and professionally. Unlike retirees or those on disability, you are not at the end of your career and you have no annuities or checks for life (SSI, SSDI) coming in. The job market is competitive as hell and getting more so each day that passes, and your checks will end eventually. Which leads me to the next myth….

Job Searches: One of the requirements of unemployment is to actively search for jobs…a minimum of 2 per week. In this economy with jobs scarce, taxes rising and cuts looming a smart cookie will be searching everyday and for viable jobs, not just something to put down on a sheet of paper to show you are following the rules and guidelines. I am that smart cookie, but what people don’t tell you is that with the few viable jobs out there, it is now an employer’s market so they call all the shots. It used to be you presented your resume and skills set and if nothing else, a temp agency would scoop you up and keep you busy. No more. If you are not outright ignored, you are offered a salary that won’t even keep you in pantyhose and lipstick. And the hoops they make you jump through…I filled out a job application for a temp agency that required me to complete 4 tests that had a total of over 350 skills assessment questions. Do you think I have heard anything back?  I spend at least 5 hours a day, 3 days a week searching for jobs I am actually qualified for just in case a miracle occurs and I am actually called in for an interview. I use Careerbuilder to help me with the search but you have to be careful about the online job boards….they post jobs that are old, and not just talking 3 or 4 days old….like the original posting was 4-6 weeks ago old. It gets tiring and frustrating on so many levels.

Constant Thinking: I know I am not the only one whose brain just will not shut off. I know I am not the only one who is constantly worrying and trying to figure out what the future holds and when the current reality will end. I have always been like this: planning, plotting and trying not to take anything for granted. I am not spontaneous at all….I am planning for my holiday plans and meals by Labor Day. And the roller coaster I have been on emotionally and professionally the past 3 years or so has only exacerbated my condition/problem or whatever you choose to call it. When I was not worried about what the loser dude men I chose to get involved with were doing, I was worried when would I find a job. I still worry when I will find a job, I worry who will help me when my resources do run out, I wonder will I really have to start a DC version of Tent City on an empty lot somewhere. I agonize over every dollar I spend…it may not seem like it but I do. Movies, dinners, shopping….all money I really do not have and need to be saving, but I have hope and faith (somewhat)  and for real…I need a break from my reality. Treating myself to a new outfit, to a movie or buying up groupons so when I really am broke I can still go out and do fun things…it helps. It gets me out the house and slows my brain down for a minute. It helps to keep me sane because the fact of the matter is whether I spent the money now or later, it would be spent and I will still be worrying about it.

The Arrangements: It is so not what people think it is…for every legitimate person I meet with , I have screened through 20 others who make stupid look smart. I get the guys who cannot read which would explain why they fall below the stated age range, are shocked that I seek financial assistance  or still ask me what race I am (although the guy who asked what race meant is a special case). The men who send the endless emails, who make appointments and then turn out to be a no-show, the men who email on their way out of town trying to make appointments anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months in advance (only to never be heard from again), the men demanding nude pictures (which I do not have). The rude men who insult me without knowing me or having seen me, the incredibly ignorant ones who think I have put up false pictures because black people are all blacker than the ace of spades. The ones who try to build a connection hoping I will forget about the fact I posted looking for generosity, the ones with the ridiculous requests and fetishes, the ones who are scared and nervous and NEVER show up, the pic collectors who fall off the face of the earth once a pic exchange has taken place. The cheap ones who try to barter with me (the man who offered to take me grocery shopping and give me a $40 Visa gift card was a standout), the ones who want to play games sending me to their hotels, where they are not in the rooms they claim to be in. And the list goes on….so for every decent, viable man I do meet with…trust me, I earned every penny of those dollars before I even met the man.

Getting over Him/The Process: I put these two together because for me, they are more than related…they are intertwined. So we all know how him’s actions and treatments caused me to disconnect with reality and go slightly insane for a minute. It eventually threw me (no other way to describe it) into a process that is still going on today. I am going to be truthful here and say that this process was very much needed and a long time in the making….him was simply the catalyst. It does not make it any less tiring though: the breaking down of issues, walls and defenses; re-routing my thinking; wrestling with change and making different choices, learning to treat myself better. It is a lot of work, and work is tiring. Couple that with the emotional turmoil of a breakup?  Let me tell you something….moving on, getting through and finally getting over the person you knew was your one, the person who I still call my soulmate (hey, connection and chemistry are connection and chemistry and we had both in abundance) is exhausting on all levels. The stages of grief, the depression, the crying, the arguing, the sleepless nights….it all drains you.

But eventually you wake up and realize that not even a little bit of hurt remains, the gossip does not bother you and if you have truly forgiven the person, you find yourself sincerely hoping they are happy and you find yourself just as happy or even happier without that person…or any person in your life for that matter. Except him is rude. And delusional. And telling all his business which is so off the charts and unbelievable, it is a literal assault on all of my senses and my common sense. Things have to be logical and make sense to me…I have to understand things….and there is no understanding in him’s corner of the world. Just listening to the stories exhaust me….the Panel and I have no energy left to even try to analyze and speculate about what we just heard (and in some cases, seen). I swear, sometimes it is as if him is one of those online losers whose ads I read and responses I dodge. I could put an end to this by just not listening but you readers know me…I like the drama (as long as it belongs to someone else) and I once blogged that as long as him put it out there, I would follow this to the bitter end. I meant that. Besides, once you get past the craziness and confusion, it is actually pretty entertaining.

So this is why I am tired and why groupons go unused and mid-day naps are mandatory in my house. One day, it will all fall into place and maybe I can slow the brain down just a tad. Maybe. Well, as usual, thanks for stopping past and reading and as always…enjoy your day!

 

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Utter Randomness

Hello, everyone….I hope all had a wonderful Turkey Day and gobbled til you wobbled. This post is going to be all over the place and at times may not make sense as I am battling yet another cold. I feel listless, lethargic and have horrible congestion….my body is mass producing mucus, which is not pretty. So today’s post is completely random (hence the title) as I will be telling about my holiday, the utter stupidity of online men, observations and even an update or two on a few Panel members.

But before I get into any of that, I have a favor to ask….UTA has been nominated for Expat Blog of the Year (or something to that effect…all I know for certain is her blog is nominated to win something) and she needs votes and complimentary comments. All you have to do is click the link here: http://www.expatsblog.com/blogs/1294/under-the-abaya, submit your vote and leave a comment. Even if you have never read her blog, saying something like “best blog ever” or “very readable and relatable” would help tons. It won’t take long, costs you nothing and you could be making UTA’s year should she win. So please, help us out and show her some love.

Okay, so I left out at midnight last Monday night to make the trip to my parents’ house…and I have come to the realization that while I do love a road trip, it absolutely must be in a big, roomy car (such as a Dodge Caravan), smoking must be permitted, chill music must be played and there can be no more than two other passengers. My personal top two picks would be UTA and Girlfriend….they are laid back enough so silences would be comfortable and wild/loose enough so that if a random adventure presented itself (especially in the form of a sexy guy) we would/could indulge in it. The bus is good, don’t get me wrong, but there are simply too many people riding it all day, every day. It took THREE buses at 4am to load up everyone in the line heading south, but I did end up with a seat to myself and we arrived almost an hour ahead of schedule.

The visit with my family was great and the actual holiday dinner was even better. I went grocery shopping with my dad and watched movies with my sisters. I spent quality time with my mommy (who did all the cooking for the first time in 9 years….the girl still got it, folks. That dinner was DEE-LISH) helping her with the prep work while watching home shopping. My biggest issue with my family is all the control issues flying about but this trip, we all set them aside and gave in. I accepted the fact that this was my parents’ house and my mother’s meal…I was just a helper and a guest of sorts. We treated each other the way we treat the others in our lives…with respect. We listened, we overlooked and took time outs when necessary. Oh, my baby sister and I had a biggest belly contest (yes, we were that bored) and somehow I won. Or lost…depends on how you look at it. I credit White Baby with the win and I can now say I have an award winning belly.

Two things marred my trip: on Thanksgiving Day I awoke to horrible, searing abdominal pain (yes, my pain made an appearance) and bleeding. I was actually scared because for the first time since the pain and I became acquainted, I really felt that something was wrong (not that there is anything right about random, searing and undiagnosed pain but I am used to it by now and know what it feels like…and this pain was different) but I put on my brave face, borrowed my mother’s cane and swallowed some Aleve…and the pain became tolerable and what I was used to. The next morning, it was coming in waves and by the time I left, I did not need the cane nor the Aleve. And my cycle…went away after three days. I need a doctor but the priority now is on finding some type of employment. (H&R Block is an option…it would be seasonal and I would probably work weekends, but they provide training and it would be income)

The second thing that happened on the holiday was I received an email from a Craigslist dude I had been with over a year ago. I actually blogged about the meeting with him because even though he was generous, he was incredibly rude and disrespectful saying he could not be seen in public with a big girl as he was too good looking and took too much pride in his appearance for that. So imagine my surprise that Mr. Perfectly Wonderful was emailing me…on Thanksgiving Day. I think I was more surprised he still had my email address, but it proves my theory about CL men correct: ongoing/recurring to them means they stumble across your email address months later and wonder if you are still available. So in any case, he says he hopes I remember him and he was lonely, horny, etc. and wondered if we could reconnect. I knew I should not have responded but the man did pay well and our time together was short, so I am thinking I could set up a quick 20 minute meeting once I returned home and add a nice amount to my bank account. I told him that I was more than open to the previous arrangement but there would be no cyber or phone…and that is when the lid on his crazy blew off. He came back saying I was such a bitch because I had not been fucked in decades, my pussy stank and I needed to use vinegar (not sure where he got that from…not only is it untrue, I was only topless with him and he was fully clothed the entire time), he would pay me $200 but wanted all three holes at his disposal and I knew I loved the attention and being degraded and humiliated. I simply stopped talking because he was on some strange new shit I had no idea what to do with.

Also on my holiday vacation, I spoke with Panel members….Chef, who called me constantly….he gets lonely during the holidays; Cuz who said he missed me and even though we talk on the phone all the time, it was different knowing I was at least two states away. Morning Person who kept saying I needed an emergency room and New Mommy who was dealing with a sick K-Bugg. And I talked with Oscar who was admitted to the hospital the day before Thanksgiving due to complications with the pregnancy. It was scary for a few minutes but mother and baby are better and Oscar was sent home that Saturday.

I think I covered everything, so now that we are all caught up I can go drink some Theraflu and climb back in bed to get some more rest. I will be back sooner versus later with new posts and please…don’t forget to vote for UTA. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

Growth Chart

While I was running around doing a last minute cleanup of my apartment before I head to my parents’ house for the holiday, I came across a ponder stone. Normally, I would never have come across it in my daily routine, but in my quest to not return to an unmade bed, dirty clothes and/or mutant dust bunnies, I was dusting the obviously in need pieces of furniture. You know what I am talking about…the furniture that you somehow convince yourself is fine and not in need of dusting/cleaning, even though you haven’t touched it with a dustrag in months. The solitary stone sits on one of my bookcases and I remember when I bought them….I got them from Jewelry Television of all places and I thought they were cute. Ponder stones are a set of six smooth, polished stones of various colors that have one word engraved on them. The set I purchased had: love, kisses, sisters, soulmate, friends and always written on them. I gave all of them away but one….Guardian Princess got sisters, Oscar got soulmate, my mother got love, Sis-Sis got friends and my Baby Sis got kisses. I was holding onto always because I was going to eventually give it to Him…one day when we could at least look at each other again, I was going to press the smooth, engraved black rock in his hands and hope he knew what it meant and represented.

That he would always be my one, that I would always have love, like and caring for him. That I would always be there when he was ready to look back and come back because more than lovers, we were friends. Real friends. Well, a lot has happened since I purchased those ponder stones and a lot raced through my mind as I stood in the middle of the room looking at that one word: always. I once said everything I learned about life, I learned from love and that’s a pretty accurate statement. Because of love (and deep like), I have learned that nothing is as simple or as complicated as it seems; that no one is obligated to tell the truth, especially to you; everyone knows what they want…they either don’t want it with you or don’t want you to judge them for it. I have learned how I want to be treated in a relationship (hasn’t happened yet) and that when people show you who they are, believe it. Don’t rationalize, analyze and/or justify. Believe them. I have learned that actions tell you everything their words either won’t or don’t. I have learned I am not unique with my trials and tribulations…and I am not alone either. I have learned that time does heal all wounds and the unanswered questions turn out to be not so important after all. I have learned that I can live without them and actually be better off with them.

Yeah, a lot of lessons….and I realized how far I have grown from the him fiasco in a little over 2 years. I am (still) healing and growing more every day and now when I look back at all that happened from beginning to end, it is not with regret, sorrow or loss. It is with a sense of wonder and amazement that I allowed myself to be put through such disrespect and mistreatment, that I was so dense I never saw what everyone else not only saw, but knew; that I was an active participant in such stupidity makes me shake my head. It is inconceivable that my people pleasing and deep-seated need to be someone’s One allowed me to be used and degraded in so many ways and on so many levels. And I am also happy…happy that him ended things the way him did, happy for all the chaos, confusion and drama that followed because it eventually killed hope. Because now I no longer have to wonder or ask…I know. There will be no always for us and I can truthfully say I want it that way.

So this year, in addition to being thankful for all the usual things (family, friends, health, food and shelter), I am also thankful for acceptance which has helped to realize that being single is infinitely better than being stuck in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. I am thankful for lessons learned and the fact that this lesson at least is one I will not be repeating. I am thankful for time which has brought about indifference towards him and the fiasco. I am thankful for hope that once I am really, really ready in all ways and on all levels…the love I deserve comes along, not the love I want. And as for the ponder stone, I am keeping it. For now, it is a reminder of my Panel and the love, patience and dedication they have shown me while I do the best I can to stay on track and in the moment.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family and friends, football and lots and lots of love.

 

Denial

I am in denial. Not full-fledged, I am so delusional I am actually believing it denial, but it is denial nonetheless. The severity of my situation gets more real and draws closer with every day that passes. Worst-case scenarios are dancing around with wild abandon and CNN has me with a glass of cyanide in one hand, razor blade in the other and a gun under my pillow. Apparently,  CNN is also the Doom & Gloom Channel and sooner rather than later, it will be kill or be killed here in America. I thought I had some steam and fight left in me after my visit with The Oscars, but it faded fast. I fell once again into despair and complacency (not as strongly though) and I found a security blanket to hold onto that helps me feed the denial. White Baby.

So, like I have told you guys before, since my last act of stupidness with the AFO 10 weeks ago, I have not seen Mother Nature except for 2 days, and even then it was both erratic and sporadic. Since then, I have started joking with friends and family about having White Baby…which is strange in itself as I have never wanted a child of my own. My past colored my present with that issue and really, I am a great baby-sitter but would make a lousy parent. There would be no gray areas with my child (it would be one extreme or the other)  and it already has two strikes against it from the beginning: a father who does not know I exist, let alone the baby and is issue-laden..possibly insane; a mother who has NO idea what she is doing, totally impatient and an addict to boot. Breakfast would be pop-tarts and a juice box and dinner would be cut up hotdogs, spaghettios and peas and carrots while talking to the homework helpline. I know I need a pregnancy test and a doctor’s visit ASAP but right now, I simply cannot afford to know what is wrong with me on any level: financially, emotionally or mentally. So I choose to embrace White Baby because at this point in time, pregnancy could be the best thing ever to happen. I do not believe in being government dependent, but time, circumstances and my choices have led me here and frankly, I AM government dependent. White Baby could extend that, if he/she exists.

Of course, part of me is still rational and somewhat sane, so it is time to make new (different) choices and implement some sort of change….it is evident that I am going to need to switch gears, directions and/or tactics with the job search and I am contemplating different fields/scenarios. Should I choose to make the arrangements a full-time gig, I would have to make adjustments accordingly as they would now be my main source of income, not a supplement but that is not what I want. Besides being a hit or miss affair however I carried it, I like being able to select who I see and when I see them. I like making my own schedule and calling the shots and I like knowing that I could walk away from this when I am ready, not being tossed aside and overlooked because I have worn myself out. I am thinking of submitting some writings to publishing houses but that is an iffy affair also…however, I do like writing, I think I do it very well and at least it is exposure. Cab driving is a consideration but too much money has to be laid out before and during…and that prospect is even more iffy and dangerous than the arrangements.

I want to work smart, not hard so cooking in a diner/restaurant is out (that would be too much pressure, too many distractions), retail would be too hard on my feet and nerves (holiday shoppers are reminders of Hell)  and housekeeping would be okay but I would have to be independent with no one around. And they have to pay well….I once cleaned a house that I thought was huge (coming from the girl with the studio apartment)….my entire apartment would have only covered half of the master suite and I was paid very well for it but it took forever to clean AND the entire family was home the entire time AND I had to clean baseboards. Yeah, that made me not want to consider domestic service ever again. I realize that I have to change my mind-set about a lot of things, but I also need to remain mindful of my own limitations, physically and mentally. What good is landing any job if all I am going to do is lose it in a matter of days or weeks, voluntarily or not?

And this is where White Baby steps in to wrap me up in denial….it will be okay because I have a child that I have to nurture and raise and take care of, and if there is a baby, the government will make sure I get to keep food, housing and income. Of course, referring to an imaginary security blanket as a real , actual being can be quite amusing and it gives me and the Panel some much needed humor relief…reality is closing in for a lot of us and any distraction or diversion is welcome at this time. But the best part of all of this is that with the situation becoming more dire and my maintaining of the denial is that for the first time in a long time, I am not in like, love or lust with anyone. Period. And that is so freeing and liberating, it is incredible. Who has time to analyze fucked up behaviors or search for a cuddle buddy to share my bed when I am running around with a potentially imaginary baby searching for ways and means to keep the damn bed so I can sleep in it? No need in searching for a relationship when you have nothing to bring to the table…right now, I just want to keep the table and the roof that covers it.

Yes, I am in denial and hoping that all the ugly things that threaten my way of life will disappear if I just keep my eyes shut long enough but my little cozy world of having White Baby as a safety net are coming to an end. I am going home for Thanksgiving week and I will first wrap myself in mommy and daddy love…I will tell them to rub my belly and make everything all right…and then I will talk to them like a responsible adult and seek advice, suggestions and swift kicks to the ass to break me out of the complacency and laziness I have wallowed in for far too long. I will shed my denial, face my reality and hopefully emerge unscathed and stronger than ever.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (I will try to post again before the holiday) and as usual….enjoy your day!

The Oscars!

Long time, no talk, which given my mood last time I posted may be a good thing. Honestly, my mood has not improved a whole lot…I feel overwhelmed, frustrated and completely powerless. I still have zero idea what I am going to do in about 7 weeks, the job searches are fruitless and I am starting to believe pointless, and the arrangements are what they are. Sporadic, hit and miss…that does not even begin to cover it. The news pisses me off: it is either politics (seriously, the election is OVER , we are once again looking at the same cast of characters and I can only hope we actually do move forward this term), Sandy (she was a beast!) or random acts of violence and/or larceny. Oh, let’s not forget General Petraeus….the nation’s top spy brought down by an insecure, paranoid and jealous woman and somehow both parties are blameless because both are skinny and one wears makeup.  Facebook is no better…I see/read posts and statuses from( my version of) the 1% whose situation has not been affected economically or has somehow miraculously improved who say they don’t see a recession, the ones that say how great people’s lives are and if you are not where they are, pray. I am not even getting into that can of worms right there…just know that my lack of patience makes it all get on my nerves more than it should.

I am just trying to breathe here….clear my head and just… be. Lord knows the problems aren’t going anywhere and if by chance they do disappear, there is an entire line of new ones ready, willing and able to take their place. However, there are bright spots here and there: had a really nice dinner and walk (more of a bus ride) through Georgetown with Reliable One for his birthday; UTA finally getting her house and being super-duper excited over it; finding new songs to fall in love with and play on repeat forever. Spending Thanksgiving with my parents and sisters and getting to go to Oscar’s baby shower!! I wasn’t going to go…money was tight (Oscar hails from the City of Brotherly Love and Cheese Steaks), I needed to save and she would not miss me since she was not expecting me. But I changed my mind…I needed a change of scenery (trust me, unemployment is no vacation, no staycation, nothing like that) and a break from my thoughts. No matter how much I save, the money will be spent eventually and may as well indulge at least one more want before I can’t any longer.

The trip to the bus station was more eventful than the bus ride itself…the Greyhound station here in DC has closed and bus service is now out of Union Station…I was a frazzled wreck trying to catch the bus before it left (no idea what time the next bus was due)…I yelled at workers, screamed profanities at no one in particular (because that is what crazy people do to vent their frustrations) and honestly considered turning right back around and offering Mama Oscar some lame excuse (the  important things like presents and cake were already there) while I sat in the apartment alone yet another weekend. But the bus was late and I did not miss it, so I decided to keep on track with the plan at hand. It was a quiet ride and not as long as I thought it would be…I looked out the window at the passing scenery, the Baltimore skyline, someplace industrial that if I did not know better would swear was New Jersey (I think it was Delaware) and then my destination skyline. There were no random conversations this trip…the bus was not full and the few passengers were sleeping or reading. Just a quiet ride with me drinking in sights I had never seen before, which helped  to improve my mood a lot.

When I got off the bus (this is going to sound so corny and so trite) I actually felt at home…or at the very least that I had been there before. The sights, the sounds, the smells…I felt I could make a new start right there (which I am now looking into) and I knew I made the right decision to break away if only for a day or so. I caught a cab to Oscar’s house and drank in the neighborhood, the street signs, the row houses (where are the stairs leading to an actual porch at in this town?) and surprisingly, the lack of architecture. Here in DC, every building over 50 years old is pretty much an architectural masterpiece…up there, not so much. I saw Chinatown, marveled at how short the buildings were and felt like a 10 year old again when I saw that the downtown actually had a shopping district. DC has not had that in decades! And then I was there…

The look of surprise on Oscar’s face when I whispered her name through the open window was priceless and I KNEW I had made the right decision. The woman is HUGE people and I mean that in a wonderful, I love you so much kind of way…after all, she is pretty much 7 months pregnant. Her complexion is so clear and smooth and if possible, the woman is even more beautiful than ever. She kept saying how she looked terrible, she wasn’t ready, blahblahblah. We hugged as if it were the last time we would ever see each other and then decided to go eat some food.

You cannot go to the City of Brotherly Love without having a cheese steak, so we walked over to the two of the most famous places in Philly for that: Pat’s and Geno’s. We decided we would buy one from each place so I could compare the two and I have to say….both disappointed me but if I had to choose, Pat’s would win because there meat was more flavorful. The prices were pretty high, the fries were greasy and in my opinion, all they have going for them is a long standing rivalry. Kind of like the Redskins and the Cowboys…both teams are mediocre but the rivalry has gone on so long, they are known more for the rivalry than for great plays. So we decided to go to the neighborhood bar and grill where we split  pasta (humongous does not do justice to the serving size) and an Italian meats pizza (which was yum-yum). We laughed, talked, flirted with the waiter (who flirted back) and Craigslisted at the table. Once we made it back to her house, she was on the phone with Morning Person, Chef and Cuz while I met her family.

There was Mama Oscar who is a complete whirlwind….I cannot keep up with that chick. At all. There was MATH (man around the house) who definitely looks better in person than he does in pictures and was hilarious. I met Brother Oscar who surprisingly knew who I was, Poppa Oscar who was super sweet and very accommodating, Baby Oscar who trusted me with his secret identity (you can’t tell anyone but he is actually Spiderman) and was highly upset when I left and Mom-Mom Oscar. That lady is off the chain and is offering refresher courses on keeping folks on their toes. I even met Oscar’s hometown BFF who was quieter than I expected but very sweet, nice and goal oriented. I met Mama Oscar’s sister of the heart and her two beautiful daughters. All of these people treated me like I was family. In fact, better than family because there were no arguments or nagging or the things your family does or says that is always “for your own good”.

I have to say, I felt at home with The Oscars….and their home is filled with so much love. It is lived in and filled with pictures and Baby Oscar’s artwork. The kitchen had pots and pans bubbling over and I was put to work with the rest of them. Oscar and I put the party favors together (pink diaper pails with tulle, pink safety pins and colorful mini-pacifiers and filled with candy baby feet) while Mama and MATH prepared the food. Everyone tried on my hair, we laughed, we took pictures and told stories and jokes. That night, Oscar and I slept downstairs where the sofa bed tipped over with me in it…we laughed so hard I just knew we were waking someone up. The only blight on the trip (and my #1 issue with this city period) is that the bathrooms are simply too tiny. I simply could not fit in it and say what you want about weight…I could not lose enough weight to ever fit in them unless I became a skinny man, and even then it would be a tight fit. Seriously, the City of Brotherly Love does not have bathrooms….they have bodily function torture chambers.

The baby shower was small but great…I made up objective questions all about Oscar (they were so objective I lost the game) and when I tried to get answers from Baby Oscar, he was instructed not to tell me. I told Oscar she is NOT RIGHT when all I am doing is fostering an interest in the child. Mama Debbie got the answer sheet mixed up with the question sheet and Mom-Mom Oscar actually whipped out her cell phone to make a phone call for an answer. In the end, Oscar’s cousin walked off with the scented candle prize. We ate the yummiest foods and the cake was dee-lish. I need more of that cake. Baby Kayla  got wonderful presents both practical and not so practical and Oscar was so.incredibly.happy….I almost cried. I do not begrudge anyone happiness or success but when it comes to people who really do not have a lot of it in their lives….to see it take over and transform them…leaves me speechless and teary-eyed. I am so thankful that Mama Oscar invited me and that I was able to be a part of their lives and this celebration….again, what people say is true. It is the little moments and the little things that pack the biggest punch. No one there was rich or bought huge, expensive presents…it did not make the gifts any less fabulous or any less appreciated. It was the love, the laughter and the spirit in which we all gathered and gave that made it so incredibly special. The food was more yummy because we shared it with good company and for a little while…we were a family with all the good parts and none of the bad.

And then I left…to return to my reality but I have a new determination and I think I may have a little bit fight somewhere inside of me. I will get into all of that in my next blog post. For now, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

Think Awhile

It is late night and I am sitting here, listening to Ben Howard, Birdy and Youth Lagoon among many others on the current Zune playlist I have compiled. The tunes are a little melancholy and a tad bittersweet…kind of how I feel now. (Looking for You Again by Matthew Perryman Jones is my absolute favorite right now) I really have not blogged about what is going on with me, myself and I for a minute and that is a good thing…I think. Part of the reason is that I am boring and my life sucks right now. The other part is I really don’t know what to say about what I have been feeling…..I don’t know if it is acceptance or resignation. All I know is I have been doing a lot of thinking, it is not the way I thought it would be and my time is drawing near to put the wallowing away, wrap my head around it and make a plan.

I will start with I did not go to the Haunted House/Dead Man Walking Tour. I was so looking forward to it, but when the day arrived, I was lazy and blah. Then when I read up on it and found out I would have to be crawling through tight spaces…that sealed its fate. I have entirely too much belly to be crawling anywhere, especially in public. And Cuz rendered a decision on the Open Letter post…it is so shelved…at least for now. Cuz did say it was not hurtful but it was truthful and I came out with both guns blazing. I say it reads that way because it is the first missive that is not covered with love, caring and regrets. In any case, Cuz agrees that in the event of that 1 in a bazillion chance it gets back to Him, it would hurt innocent people and for some reason, Cuz has a soft spot for the Islanders on the Panel…the rest of us get the craziness and the curse outs, but the Islanders he will protect to the death.

Personally, I have no idea how it would get back to Him and if it did…who cares? At this point…fuck him with a 25 foot, rocket propelled dildo and keep it moving. It would be less painful than what him is going through now, and I will bet money on that statement. But I think I see their collective point…things I spoke on before about him were from experience…it was as much my story as it was him’s. Now, it is an entirely new story and even though him told and showed it to us… I really don’t have a role in this new story. I am still gonna tell it though…just not yet. Just know that all that is going on over there could not happen to a more deserving person.

Remember I told you guys that once again, my cycle was late? Well, Sandy blew in here and dropped off my monthly visitor (which had the Panel exhaling with relief) but then…she took it with her when she left. So who knows what is going on with me…in the 7 weeks since I was last with the man, I have had 2 days worth of spotting. All I know is every time I move past the brief, beautiful crazy that was AFO…I get reminders. Pop-up reminders. Maybe I need to drink more milk, eat more veggies and start taking vitamins just in case I pop up with a more permanent reminder this time around. I have the pregnancy test…now to get up the nerve to take it.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else…not sure who, but she would be able to fall in love with men who can fully and completely love her in return. And actually be in love with her. She would be the one who never got left and who got all the perks of a relationship in addition to the benefits. Then I play the tape all the way through….

Men cheat. A lot. I am not the chick who stays with a cheating man….I hang in there with a guy because I love him, not because I am desperate to say I have a man. I am not going to say the other person I would become would have a man who stays yet strays, but it is good possibility. After all, this is me…granted an extension, a figment…but it is still me. Or I could have made it work with him…who would forever be hung up on another, regardless of what him says. That is just who the man is…carrying around pieces of relationships and unrequited love . No wonder him is so stooped and slumped over. And AFO…forget it. His insatiable sexual appetite and cotton fetish would drive me through a wall….his moodiness, jealousy and bouts of random craziness would drive me out the door.

I have been in communication with the Unemployment Insurance office….my safety net is being pulled. I had a good 33-40 weeks left on the UI extension. Not that I was wanting to use all the weeks available, but until something comes through, I do need the few dollars a week they provide. Well, here is news for all those in the same boat as me: as of January 2, 2013…all UI extensions are stopped. You will be on.your.own. And I have no idea what to do about that. It is out of my control. Of course, the job search will be stepped up (I have even started applying to Craigslist jobs listings) and expanded, but I have been looking for how long? I was hoping to hear back from the temp agency about an assignment….one that would have been long term, even temp to perm. The assignment requested another person. Then they offered another assignment (short term but it was work) which was cancelled an hour later. Another temp agency I was registered with went out of business; not that they ever found me anything but they would submit my resume to various government agencies,  which was exposure at least. Once again, both the personal and the professional have gone to hell in a hand-basket. Together. I just cannot get a break or rejoice in anything in my life.  If I could just get that breakthrough upswing in one area of my life, maybe the rest will fall into place.

So this is my so-called, fucked up life and I want to say it  really it isn’t that bad…I still have 8 weeks of UI assistance; I have plenty of groceries (and can probably get food stamps once the UI stops); I did have irons in the fire job-wise, but the fire died out. And let’s not forget about the stupid choices I made in the heat of passion…maybe the picture is as bad as I paint it. But right now,  I am just too weary and worn out right now to worry or try to make things right. I just don’t have it in me to fight another battle right now.

Thanks for sticking with me through this rambling, random post and check back soon for updates and drama.

A Letter to Kayla

My Dearest Kayla:

First, please know that Kayla is not your name…it is my name for you. Your wild child mother (maybe you two will grow up together) has given you a name I swear incorporates all 26 letters of the alphabet. Twice. I cannot spell it nor can I pronounce it and when your mother first told me you were coming…I knew that you would be a girl and what I would call you. Kayla.

Right now, you are safe and warm and eating spicy food but all too soon you will be here with the rest of us. It really is not so bad on the outside and you have so many people who love you and cannot wait to share their lives and their love with you. Just know none of us are rich but you will never know that because all of your needs and most of your wants will be met. We are all good people…a little twisted and a little flawed but good , decent people who know to treat people with politeness, kindness and respect. So I guess you need to get to know the cast of characters you will be spending your time with.

Your Mommy is an amazingly beautiful woman. She is funny, creative and loves too wrong for too long but she is a good woman. She is soooo in love with you she told one billion people about you (she FaceBooks about you…same thing), and continues to tell them just about every day what you are doing and what she wants for you. When she found out she was going to be a mommy again, she asked God to send her a healthy baby girl…. she will take care of your happiness. Even though she is already a mommy, she will still make mistakes. That is what we do on the outside…we do the best we can but sometimes, we still fall short. Know that she will give you all you need and most of your wants (usually on birthdays, Christmas and when you just won’t stop whining) but sometimes, she will tell you no. And it is for your own good. She will be tough and hard on you at times but only because she wants more for you than she wants for herself. Oh, just know your mommy is a single mommy…not that your father is not around, but right now he is being a mean, mean man and acting like a butt-head..which you will find most men do. All the time. And your daddy may not change but that is not a reflection on you or your mom. A lesson I learned a long time ago is that you cannot miss what you never had, and you will never feel less loved or less wanted because of that.

You have a big brother who is already super excited to meet you. He will be your first friend, your playmate and at times, your worst enemy. He will teach you to fight, burp and how to win mommy over. He will be your protector and your tormentor and will fight your battles for you when you start school. He is in kindergarten now so most days he will be gone, but when he gets home, he will tell you all about his day and then take the remote control from you so he can see his cartoons.

You have a grandmother, but you will never call her that. She will be Mom-Mom, Nana or maybe even G-Mama. This woman will love you more than you will ever know and she is the one who will give in where mommy won’t. Your grandmother is VERY big on family and if she could have only wish come true, it would be for her family to stay together, no matter what. Blood is thicker than anything else and whatever happens between relatives…remember the love you have for each other and to keep the ties that bind you together stronger than those that would tear you apart.  I say this because she will be instilling this in you AND your big brother pretty much every day. Let her…it is only by teaching that we learn and honestly, there is nothing better than generations of family gathered together for a happy occasion. Also, your grandmother (and your mommy) will be taking oodles of pictures of you…sleeping, smiling, crying, bathing, naked, clothed…you name it, they will be taking pictures of it. Just go with it.

Your mommy has a group of friends who are not where you live…we live in different cities and probably won’t see you except via photographs and updates, but we are super excited to see/meet you also. We will have all kinds of advice, wisdom and thoughts for your mommy about you regarding your clothing, upbringing , activities and what have you…and she will listen, say okay and do what she wants to do anyway. She will give you kisses and hugs from us and even though you won’t see us, you will know you are loved and cared for by us.

I guess the most important lesson here is we will all be brand new to this…no matter how many children a mother has, it is as if each one is the first one. No matter how many times a grandmother hugs you, kisses you or says I love you…it will never be enough. Your big brother has never been a brother before (big or little) so you will have to teach him some things, but he will return the favor and teach you in return.

Waiting excitedly to see you…

Love, kisses and hugs until we meet.

Auntie DC