It’s a gorgeous autumn evening and I am sitting in the apartment, still sick. I have groupons I absolutely need to use before they expire and some that I want to use just to get me out of the house and back in the game of actually living life, but today I am just whatever, dude. I need to check the mailbox for my invite to Oscar’s baby shower and also get busy purchasing her and Kayla’s gift but I am giving in to the lethargy. I am still planning to do the football post but there are at least two things (which means one more post to go) I want to get off of me.
Let me start with saying I feel actually peaceful again….I am putting away the delusions and accepting reality. Unlike others, delusion is NOT my friend and I cannot make it work for me. For me, I have found that when I allow acceptance and reality in, words and actions only hurt the first time around …the subsequent times words and actions only disappoint. When I am wrapped in delusion and denial….they hurt every time as if it were the first time. I am re-discovering how much easier life is when you accept the fact that some things are not going to change, you have the ability to change only yourself and when someone shows you who they are…believe them.
The job front seems pretty stagnant at the moment…there are possibilities on the horizon including a potential callback to the Assignment from Hell. I was asked not did I want to do it but COULD I do it again…and the answer is: what other choices do I have? The arrangements (which I will get into more detail later) are not my idea of a long term solution and frankly, I need steady income. Like yesterday. Yes, the assignment will be restrictive and put undue stress and pressure on me, but I can say in all sincerity that the woman asked nothing of me that she did not follow herself (with the exception of a keyboard); besides, when was the last time someone complained about a punctual employee? Everyone parted on decent terms, I am already trained and at least if I am called back…there are no surprises. Always a good thing. Yes, it means changing who I am but it is not only something I can change, it is change for the better.
Personally, I am JUST NOW coming to see what people meant when they told me sooooooo long ago that you have to show people how to treat you. That sounds so simple, right? I always thought that if you treated people nicely, they would treat you the same way in return. IF you approach someone with sincerity, respect and intelligence they would return the favor. Well, they don’t and it has taken me this long and dealing with those yahoos who answer my online ads to realize that. I tell you all about the ridiculous responses I get (one guy actually asked what was “race” when I asked him his age and race), the disrespectful responses and the plain make you scratch your head responses. NO WAY am I answering them, let alone entertaining the thought of these clowns knowing my name, address or cell phone number. NO WAY am I allowing them into my house and potentially exploring my body. Because there is more to it than meeting needs….there has to be a level of attraction/connection (eyes should be closing out of desire, not necessity), respect, manners, humor (you have to have one) and intelligence. And that is when it finally knocked me over the head hard enough…I can show total strangers what I will and will not tolerate but for some reason, with the men I am ready to open up with, I don’t.
Do you readers have any idea how tired I am being the sweet, caring and kind woman who puts it out there for a man, and gets kicked in the teeth in return…and to top it off, called CRAZY when I finally DO stand up for myself and speak out against the incredible mistreatments and disrespect? Pretty damned tired, and I am seriously considering to just stop being sweet and nice and kind. Just come out the gate with guns blazing and let the sweet side come through when they have earned it and truly deserve it. Weekend Phone Friend calls it being a bitchamist but I call it being real. Seriously, I think I have finally figured out what the problem is with men and women….everyone wants the nice guy and the sweet girl, but in actuality they want the bad boy/bad girl who will settle down and be sweet FOR them, who will settle down and not worry about sowing wild oats BECAUSE of them. Them and their wonderful, wonderful love. There is no challenge, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of being someone special when you are already sweet and nice. I can definitely say that was part of my dream and expectation with AFO….if I could be the one who knocked down the emotional walls, if I were the one he acknowledged once he left the state…I would be special and his buddies would tell me how I must be something special because this isn’t how the man is at all. It may have also been part of the reason I hung in there with Him…remember, when I met him, the man was a confirmed bachelor and I thought if he could see how much I loved him and accepted him and genuinely cared…I would be the one him committed to (not necessarily marriage).
So since my way isn’t working and let’s say my theory is correct…I need to become a bitchamist. And not just an after the fact one…an in your face, bitch on wheels with no brakes bitchamist. The kind who even if she thinks a guy is all that and a bag of chips will treat him as if he ain’t all that and a bag of shit. Only one problem…that is not who I am. I am not one to be bitchy unless it is warranted or I am pushed there; I am not one to take people for granted and I try to treat everyone kindly. I still believe in the fairy tale because I grew up with it…I see it exists, but perhaps my time has come and gone. I would like to think it hasn’t. I try to do right by people, but here’s the question: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? And can I be happy with a man who allows his woman to walk over him, treat him any kind of way? We are going to find out. We have had the Craiglist Experiment….now we are gearing up for the Bitchamist Project. I do not actually have any real dates lined up for it, but they will come…and I need the time to formulate a plan of action. Stay tuned.
So now I am babysitting (why people trust me with their children and pets I will never know), watching the debate (all I hear for real is blah, blah, blah from both sides) and preparing an open letter to Him (looong overdue) before finishing up the football post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and stay tuned for at least two more posts this week) and as usual…enjoy your day!