There has been a lot going on and not externally…internally. I don’t like it…internal processing means I am lacking somewhere, hiding something or passing the buck. It means being truthful with myself and you guys know how I feel about truth. I would rather be honest (it can be shifted to fit your reality) than truthful (it does not change until your reality does), but I am trying to get better to be better. I want to change my attitude and behaviors so my choices will be different. NOT an easy task and in its own I am doing this to help you way, a painful one. We all know that the truth can hurt sometimes.
You guys know how I like to say certain people (myself included) are delusional, right? My Big Three delusional folks are Sister Someone, Him and myself…the difference is somehow the other two have made their delusions work for them. Their delusions, inner demons and reality have all joined forces and banded together to form some twisted reality in which they find the person of their dreams and happiness unheard of; with me, the real world intrudes and breaks through the delusion(s) I have managed to create and that is what is happening with this internal processing. I am breaking free of delusions, facing reality and realizing things…it is all random and arbitrary but much needed. Still, it would be nice to not have to face the real world and even better to find someone who also does not (or does not want to) face reality also. So, there is a lot to say on just a few subjects…warning, we have covered these topics before but like I have blogged before: you repeat the life lessons until you get them right.
Sister Someone/Brother Everything: If I am going to be truthful, I would have to say the following news was the catalyst for my latest round of internal processing. These two tied the knot yesterday. Besides the shock, disbelief and Negative Nancy thoughts (I choose to call them reality checks), there was once again a twinge of envy. Sister Someone is genuinely happy and excited and has this glow on her face that is simply…radiant. Forget the fact that Brother Everything is using the total FUCK out of her and is still looking around for escape routes and potential options…Sister Someone has made her delusion and craziness work for her to achieve her goal of a family. I am not hating on her and I really do wish and hope she and Brother Everything can make it work and he does not hurt her too badly. Hurt will happen (intentional or not), but hopefully it will be in small doses and her delusion can help them keep it together. However, I have to wonder at the fairness of a woman who gives into her delusions and unhealthiness and achieves her dreams while I try to get better, emotionally healthy and do things the right way and I cannot even get a response to an email? FYI: I did not attend the ceremony (it was held at her house) for a variety of reasons but I do plan to send them a gift basket…debating between fruit and cookies (so they can share with her son) or wine and cheeses.
Job/Career: I survived the temp assignment without killing anyone or being killed myself, and I realized something: I need leeway. I need to be able to wear printed pants and to chew gum at my desk. I need to be able to be late. Now, I am not that delusional that I think strolling in at 10:30am to grace folks with my presence on a job which requires me to be there at 8:30am is acceptable. I know it isn’t, but to tell me that at 8:31 I am late or that if I am gathering my belongings at 5:29, I am considered to be leaving early…THAT is not going to work. I am not angry that punctuality was a big thing on the assignment…responsible people ARE punctual, but to expect promptness and punctuality 5 consecutive days a week out of me is too much pressure. I will never meet that expectation, especially if I know there is no long term benefit/payoff. The efforts I exerted to try and conform to the rules have been unheard of by people I see and talk to everyday…hell, the Island would have had dance parties and happy hours every day if I were a mere 1-6 minutes late. So I need an assignment that will allow me to do what I love (being an admin and not the receptionist without a keyboard) and where I am not expected to be the first one in the office. I need the fifteen minute grace period.
Weight: I am feeling chunky. Well, chunkier than usual…I have never had a problem being a bigger girl (nothing on me will ever be single digit size wise except for rings and bracelets) but lately, I have been feeling not as comfortable with myself. It is as if there is this thick wall of fat that I cannot seem to penetrate…usually it moves with me, but lately I feel as if I am walking around it…does anyone know what I am talking about? Well, I have no delusions when it comes to my weight and I know when I am gaining and I have finally taken action. I bought into a Living Social/Groupon type of deal where I can take 12 yoga classes for $12…that’s $1/class! I have been partial to yoga because it is not too strenuous (I have to start slowly) and it clears the mind while toning the body…sounds like it could be a win/win if I stick with it. I have already gone out and bought tops and knit leggings and a yoga mat (it is a lime greenish color AND non-slip. VERY important)….now to see if they a children’s beginner class so I can feel right at home and not too conspicuous when I fail miserably at the most basic of poses.
The Men: I know you guys are probably tired of me talking about the same men and trust me, sometimes I am also but I am completely delusional in this area and I tend not to listen or heed advice …so we are back to where we began. Besides, somewhere in this emotional mess lies answers to a lot of questions if I am willing to dig deep enough. Already I have discovered three things: my delusion when it comes to men allows me to eat their bullshit and call it palatable. I know someone, somewhere knows exactly what I am talking about. Second thing I realized is that I get pieces of men because I start out by giving them pieces of me. Eventually (and with the wrong ones) I open myself up fully and present myself but by then, the bar has already been set. Pieces and part time are what I said I wanted and offered, and that is what I got/get in return. Third thing, I never fully resolve or process my emotional baggage….I have issues and baggage lying around and building up and I simply transfer all I had with one man to another one. It’s like a mother who is nursing a baby…the baby gets older but refuses to give up nursing and the mother has let it go on so long, she is not in a position to put her foot down about it.. So the mother has another baby to push the old one off her but then another one is latched onto her…she never resolved the problem of the nursing child, she simply pushed the first baby out the way to make room for the second baby. And she will push the second baby away by having a third, and so on, That is how I feel my personal life has been….Married Man was knocked out the box by him; him has been replaced with AFO. Will I find someone else to knock AFO out the box or will I sit back and breathe a sigh of relief at having lip-free nipples? Hard to say, but let’s deal with what we have on our plate today…
Him: The delusion is dissipating and for the first time ever, I can say (truthfully) that I feel nothing but indifference towards him. I was probably leaning that way for quite awhile but did not want to NOT feel something for him. The catalyst here was the man’s cowardice at refusing to give me a professional reference…it really just pushed me over the edge. I thought at first this was another tactic to get me to initiate contact but I am not feeding into that. Instead, I want to say the fact of the matter is the man has moved completely on (actually, he moved on a long time ago and I am just now getting the memo) and I am nothing to him. Certainly, I was never what I wanted to be to him and I really thought that my love for him would be enough to sustain us both but he dragged us both down. And now I KNOW… all my loving, all my hating…all my efforts were truly wasted…before, during and after. And I have nothing else to waste. Believe me, this is true indifference…not “I’m holding feelings back because he will never notice”. Indifference as in I don’t care. Now, do not confuse that with if some juicy gossip comes along I won’t listen (I swear, I am telling all really soon) …but I am no longer begging and seeking for any little scrap of info in some desperate attempt to keep him in my life somehow.
AFO: Delusion and reality are still battling it out like cats and dogs with this issue and I am searching for any distraction not to have to write out what I feel and know to be the truth. All I know is I cannot keep nursing AFO…yes, I can admit and accept that the man is a fling…a passionate, incredible, gives me all I want/need (when he is not fingering me) fling. He showers with me attention (much needed and so rarely given by others) and praise (without prompts) but most importantly, when he is here with me….I am the priority and that has never happened. And it isn’t all about the sex…we watch movies, television and football games together. We share meals, have talks about random things and like I told you guys before…I can be me without all the bells and whistles. When we are together, he amps up my happiness quotient to heights unheard of….but then he has to return home and I am completely dropped from the roster and that is what I cannot accept. I know I said I could deal with it being what it is, but I can’t. I am not emotionally mature enough to balance the delusion, expectations and the reality. And the reality is…I do not exist for him once he returns to the Gulf Coast. It is as if our time together never happened. NO idea why and the man is not around enough for me or the Panel to get a handle on his thought processes or emotional state.
See, I like AFO, lots and lots and bunches of bunches…and I swear, I would rather be in love than in like. Love knows when things aren’t working and it is being disrespected, so it gets to stepping. Like…like has hope and expectations and will hang around hoping to see something come to fruition, and I cannot have hope and expectations with AFO. Even in small doses, hope is dangerous to have in a situation like this but I DO have hope for AFO and I. Expectations are a no-no but the man hands them to me, wrapped in pretty paper and topped with ribbons and bows and that is not working out for me. And we are both to blame: me for not sticking with MY ad and MY rules. I am crossing my own boundaries because this man…he gives me what not even Him could manage and to be able to have it for even a little while is better than never having it. It is AFO’s fault for saying things outside of the bedroom…for taking it beyond mere sex. I can understand people saying what you want to hear but usually they do it as part of pillow talk (which I could leave in the bed). I never said I wanted a relationship, I never said that he should say certain things to prove he was sincerely sorry about the gaffes and mistakes he made with his latest return. He said things, he did things and I am not going to say he made me believe them…I wanted to believe because I like him and I want the unexpected Hollywood movie romance. He needs to shut up and I need to stay on my side of the fence but we never do…we are a train wreck without the fireworks and drama. I think UTA hit the nail on the head when the man returned last month…he does not mean to lie or lead me on. He has some sort of role-play fetish or companionship void that needs to be filled. I fill it for him when he is in town and when he is here, he means the words he says. He does enjoy me and the time we spend together, he does want to build on the connection…but it is only in the here and now. And I have to make a choice…he can no longer be my pretend boyfriend or a potential suitor. He can either be my fling when he is in town and non-existent the other times, or I need to find the strength to cut it off completely, because again…I am settling. Seriously, who goes from being the priority to being dropped completely from the roster on a constant basis? I have no idea what to call that but the word relationship does not come to mind.
Morning Person says I am lonely and these are the lengths I am willing to go to just to say I have someone (she did not word it quite like that, but that is the gist of it) but I am lonely for AFO, not just any man. I have options from other respondents to my ad, but I don’t want them. I want AFO which is somehow tied to me wanting Him (despite my indifference) which is somehow tied to me wanting another man….maybe it all boils down to the challenge of breaking down the emotional walls and guards . I have no idea, but I need to do more work on me. I need to work on being more than just okay and re-learn how to be happy with what I have (just because I have not attained all I want does not mean I cannot be happy) and realize I deserve more and better. I know I cannot have expectations, but I can have standards; I see now that hope is a good thing to have, but you have to have it in small doses and sometimes, with certain people and situations, you cannot have any at all.
Okay, I have rambled on enough…getting to work on new posts with new topics . As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!