After the Storm

So Hurricane Sandy has come and gone…after a week of hype and preparation, I thought I was ready for her. I tried not to think how stupid I was to fill my freezer, fridge and cabinets with almost $200 worth of food and toiletries that would probably be rendered useless should the power go out like it did over the summer. I have been through hurricanes before…Hurricane Fran, Hurricane Isabel and Hurricane Irene, but I was always surrounded by other people and frankly never experienced any adverse effects. Power never went out, the places I stayed in were not my own and I was simply never responsible for anything. With the recent summer storms and realizing I am the one who has to replace the groceries, report/maybe even be responsible for damages/repairs, knowing that I had valuable things to lose (electronics, photographs, clothing)…that puts a whole new spin on things.

I admit, I was nervous with Sandy’s approach…hell,  she had already killed 58 people on her way here and she shut our public transportation completely down and she was not even here yet.  Forget that, she shut down the entire DMV region! Yeah, I had healthy doses of respect and fear for her.

Because of recent storms,  I have seen firsthand the damage that a falling tree inflicts and now I live right under the roof…what if it crashed in on me? What if I had to trash my groceries? I don’t have a lot of money or options and I did not get the size I am by NOT eating. What if there was flooding and we had to evacuate our homes? If there were an evacuation, when would I be able to return? There were so many what-ifs and worst case scenarios running through my head, but I put my faith in my Higher Power. To keep me safe and give me the strength to face the worst case scenarios. I rallied round with my neighbors and we all cooked the day before projected landfall. My Neighbor baked chicken legs and sweet potatoes; I fixed beef with gravy & onions and some pork. One neighbor bought pizzas and another bought liquor. Guardian Princess baked up some yummy cakes and breads. We all charged cell phones and we had flashlights, candles and batteries. We were going to be there for each other. Except we didn’t need to be…Sandy caused havoc in the region, but my neighborhood was mostly untouched. Power stayed on (those offerings to the Pepco gods must have been accepted), no trees fell on roofs or cars, no flooding. We kept our food to ourselves (still trying to get some of those baked goods from Guardian Princess) and when we did check up on each other, everything was fine.

Taking advantage of having electricity, I stayed glued to the TV watching scenes play and replay of Sandy’s destruction and devastation…I saw NYC submerged in water; I saw boardwalks, piers and docks on the coastal towns disappear. I saw trees topple over like rag dolls, houses and cars crushed and the front of an apartment building ripped right off. I saw sidewalks ripped from the ground. I saw water rise as high as house’s front porches…and while I thanked God that it wasn’t me, my heart went out to those people it did happen to. I mean, these people were losing their homes, their towns and I was going to be all puffed up about losing electricity and groceries…minor inconveniences.

Once again, I am learning lessons from the most unlikely of things. If given a choice, I would rather lose what is in the house than the house itself. Evacuating the house is nothing compared to losing the town in which I live. The images I see on television are not Hollywood imagery…they  are someone’s reality.  And I also learned something else…I learned who the truly important people in my life are. Family may be blood, but it does not always equal to  love or caring. Of course, as with everything, there are exceptions but they are far and few between. This may sound callous and cold and downright bitchy, but I have learned that I see/talk to most of my family at funerals. That’s it. My parents, my siblings, my Panel and a few neighbors…they are my every day, calling just because I thought about you, please share my joy with me family. They are the ones I checked in with during the storm, they are the ones I share my fears, hopes and dreams with. These are the folks I want to invite to my house and cook for and laugh with. They are the ones who made sure I had what I needed to get through the storm (and they did so well before Sandy made an appearance…seriously, what good does it do anyone involved to ask me at the height of the storm if I need anything? If I did, WHERE would you get it? ). They are the ones who when they call aren’t looking to see what I can do for them but how they can help me or help me help myself.

Not going to lie…I had more people on my facebook page checking in on me and checking in with me than my blood relatives, and they do this on a consistent basis. I get more invites to join my friends and their families on outings than I do my blood relatives. And in times of danger or disaster, I want the people who help me live, love and laugh at my side and on my phone. They are the ones I want to tell I love you, I want you to be safe and careful. And not saying anyone is right or wrong here…it is how life is. You grow up, you grow apart and if attempts to re-connect are not made or are ignored…you gather new family. And I have made gestures and overtures…usually I get two folks to respond when I am cooking  on Thanksgiving, but other than that…I have gotten more a response from AFO now that he is back home than I have from asking my family to join me on outings.  Which gives me and at least three reasons to thank Sandy for making an appearance: thank you for sparing me and my loved ones, thank you for showing me that my idea of the worst can be so much worse and thank you for showing me who really matters in my life and more importantly, who I really matter to.

Hoping this post finds everyone safe, sound and with shelter. For those reading who may have been affected/impacted…prayers and positive thoughts are sent your way and may your recovery be swift.

The Substitution Post

This post is not even supposed to be here. I am still working on the football post (it will be the next post) but had written another post, clearing things off my chest, which I wanted to post. It is an open letter to him…it is truth, speculation, facts and opinions laid out in a no-nonsense manner. I spilled all with no sugar coating, no hand holding and I have to admit that is tinged with frustration, anger and gloating. However,  Morning Person, Artsy-Craftsy and Oscar have all voiced concerns, constructive criticisms (it is too open, what if him reads it, what if friends of him read it, what if it backfires and innocent people get caught in the crossfire?) ….since these things are so rare from them when it comes to any of my posts, I decided to postpone the missive until Cuz renders his decision on it. While we can say Morning Person is cautious, Artsy Craftsy is too nice and Oscar is just worried about potential fallout…if Cuz says the missive is a little too much, too soon…I may have to shelve it for awhile. Besides, I promised to give certain members time to wrap their heads around it. We’ll see…I really want to post it and we all know how I am when I get a bug up my ass.

Before I begin getting any further into this posting, I want to send condolences and prayers out to UTA who has recently lost her grandmother. This is not an easy time for my dear friend who snuck into my heart from 8,000 miles away and I just want her to know I am here for her…anytime and always. {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}, sweetheart.

So, I am planning lots of things in preparation for the launching of the Bitchamist Project: I am all set for my beginner yoga classes…I have the mat, the leggings, loose (but not too loose) tee shirts (my faves are the Grey’s Anatomy quotes and the Barbie Wants to be Me shirts). I don’t have the pedicure yet, so I better stock up on white cotton socks. (Where is AFO when you need him?) My cold is finally clearing up so I plan to register for classes over the weekend…fingers crossed I will be a beginner yoga student within a week or so.

Since it is evident I will need to get out into the real world to meet someone (online is not even delivering what I am using it for), I have bought into three Living Social coupons that encourage social outings. The first one is to a Dead Man Walking tour at/of the Crime and Punishment Museum…I did not want to go alone but Girlfriend was unavailable to join me. While I think I may stand out and it may get awkward being a single woman (in her 40s) doing this, I think it will be educational and entertaining. Not that I have expectations of being swept off my feet, because I am recognizing I am doing this for me…it is time to get out, about and somewhat active. And you are as young as you feel…and more and more I am feeling like a 16 year old teenager. The second coupon is for an Election Night viewing party…I will probably be surrounded by college seniors who are majoring in political science but who cares? There are food specials and again, I will be out and about…probably little chance of conversation(s) but hopefully it will be exciting. After all, DC is a political town. My last coupon is for a walking tour of Abraham Lincoln’s Cottage…that will be educational and exercise. The coupon is good for two people so maybe my Sis-Sis or my Neighbor will be interested in being my +1.

I have Oscar’s baby shower present already picked out….I think it is totally amazing and New Mommy agrees. It is creative, practical and she thinks it will be perfect. Also thinking about throwing a little something extra in there just for Oscar. We’ll see, but everyone knows I am a softie. She’ll get it. And remember earlier when I stated I feel like a 16 year old teenager? Well, I meant that in more ways than one…once again, I am late with my cycle. Remember, last month I was with AFO for a week…again, it was unprotected. I said before and I am saying it again…the man brings out the stupid in me. Chef says if I keep messing around with the man, he will bring a baby out of me. I swear, this is an EXACT repeat performance: arguments, unprotected sex (which was surprisingly incredible in both quality and quantity), being ignored/forgotten and once again…a late cycle. Oscar wants to know WHAT is in that man’s sperm that delays periods? I have no idea, but the last time was the last time. I am neither hurt nor angry…really, not even disappointed. He showed me who he was and now I see. So effective immediately, Artsy Craftsy and Girlfriend are assigned to the AFO Project: when the man returns (and he will return), they are to sit on me if they have to. They can kick my ass, curse me out and be brutally truthful with me when it comes to this. I am dead serious about not doing this anymore. I am turning into the stupid, slutty chick and that cannot happen.

So now I am done with the idle chatter…time for a shower and to do some more work on the football post. (I don’t know a lot about the sport and research is boring) Tomorrow is laundry and grocery shopping followed by closet cleaning over the weekend. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

Bitchamist

It’s a gorgeous autumn evening and I am sitting in the apartment, still sick. I have groupons I absolutely need to use before they expire and some that I want to use just to get me out of the house and back in the game of actually living life, but today I am just whatever, dude. I need to check the mailbox for my invite to Oscar’s baby shower and also get busy purchasing her and Kayla’s gift but I am giving in to the lethargy. I am still planning to do the football post but there are at least two things (which means one more post to go) I want to get off of me.

Let me start with saying I feel actually peaceful again….I am putting away the delusions and accepting reality. Unlike others, delusion is NOT my friend and I cannot make it work for me. For me, I have found that  when I allow acceptance and reality in, words and actions only hurt the first time around …the subsequent times words and actions only disappoint. When I am wrapped in delusion and denial….they hurt every time as if it were the first time. I am re-discovering how much easier life is when you accept the fact that some things are not going to change, you have the ability to change only yourself and when someone shows you who they are…believe them.

The job front seems pretty stagnant at the moment…there are possibilities on the horizon including a potential callback to the Assignment from Hell. I was asked not did I want to do it but COULD I do it again…and the answer is: what other choices do I have? The arrangements (which I will get into more detail later) are not my idea of a long term solution and frankly, I need steady income. Like yesterday. Yes, the assignment will be restrictive and put undue stress and pressure on me, but I can say in all sincerity that the woman asked nothing of me that she did not follow herself (with the exception of a keyboard); besides, when was the last time someone complained about a punctual employee? Everyone parted on decent terms, I am already trained and at least if I am called back…there are no surprises. Always a good thing. Yes, it means changing who I am but it is not only something I can change, it is change for the better.
Personally, I am JUST NOW coming to see what people meant when they told me sooooooo long ago that you have to show people how to treat you. That sounds so simple, right? I always thought that if you treated people nicely, they would treat you the same way in return. IF you approach someone with sincerity, respect and intelligence they would return the favor. Well, they don’t and it has taken me this long and dealing with those yahoos who answer my online ads to realize that. I tell you all about the ridiculous responses I get (one guy actually asked what was “race” when I asked him his age and race), the disrespectful responses and the plain make you scratch your head responses. NO WAY am I answering them, let alone entertaining the thought of these clowns knowing my name, address or cell phone number. NO WAY am I allowing them into my house and potentially exploring my body. Because there is more to it than meeting needs….there has to be a level of attraction/connection (eyes should be closing out of desire, not necessity), respect, manners, humor (you have to have one) and intelligence. And that is when it finally knocked me over the head hard enough…I can show total strangers what I will and will not tolerate but for some reason, with the men I am ready to open up with, I don’t.

Do you readers have any idea how tired I am being the sweet, caring and kind woman who puts it out there for a man, and gets kicked in the teeth in return…and to top it off, called CRAZY when I finally DO stand up for myself and speak out against the incredible mistreatments and disrespect? Pretty damned tired, and I am seriously considering to just stop being sweet and nice and kind. Just come out the gate with guns blazing and let the sweet side come through when they have earned it and truly deserve it. Weekend Phone Friend calls it being a bitchamist but I call it being real. Seriously, I think I have finally figured out what the problem is with men and women….everyone wants the nice guy and the sweet girl, but in actuality they want the bad boy/bad girl who will settle down and be sweet FOR them, who will settle down and not worry about sowing wild oats BECAUSE of them. Them and their wonderful, wonderful love. There is no challenge, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of being someone special when you are already sweet and nice. I can definitely say that was part of my dream and expectation with AFO….if I could be the one who knocked down the emotional walls, if I were the one he acknowledged once he left the state…I would be special and his buddies would tell me how I must be something special because this isn’t how the man is at all.  It may have also been part of the reason I hung in there with Him…remember, when I met him, the man was a confirmed bachelor and I thought if he could see how much I loved him and accepted him and genuinely cared…I would be the one him committed to (not necessarily marriage).

So since my way isn’t working and let’s say my theory is correct…I need to become a bitchamist. And not just an after the fact one…an in your face, bitch on wheels with no brakes bitchamist. The kind who even if she thinks a guy is all that and a bag of chips will treat him as if he ain’t all that and a bag of shit. Only one problem…that is not who I am. I am not one to be bitchy unless it is warranted or I am pushed there; I am not one to take people for granted and I try to treat everyone kindly. I still believe in the fairy tale because I grew up with it…I see it exists, but perhaps my time has come and gone. I would like to think it hasn’t.  I try to do right by people, but here’s the question: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? And can I be happy with a man who allows his woman to walk over him, treat him any kind of way? We are going to find out. We have had the Craiglist Experiment….now we are gearing up for the Bitchamist Project. I do not actually have any real dates lined up for it, but they will come…and I need the time to formulate a plan of action. Stay tuned.

So now I am babysitting (why people trust me with their children and pets I will never know), watching the debate (all I hear for real is blah, blah, blah from both sides) and preparing an open letter to Him (looong overdue) before finishing up the football post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and stay tuned for at least two more posts this week) and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

 

 

Bandwagon History Lesson

Today is starting out in a roller coaster kind of way. Queen of the Domain was in a hellified mood: angry, pouty face, not eating AND the heifer was  hissing to top it off. I quickly assessed that this chick was a bitch on wheels with no brakes, so I hurried up on out of there. I am hoping she will be in a better mood by dinner. Unemployment says that it is a glitch (again) in the system but not to worry, all will be well. Eventually. I did get the laundry done so I am pleased with that and I even had a conversation with Sister Someone. She is thrilled to be Sister Someone-Everything, and wants to spend her every moment making Brother Everything happy for the rest of his days. Of course they have only been married 10 days, so we will re-visit that statement in 6 months to a year.

Now, I am surfing the internet and between the CL ads (the guy who wants a woman to “milk the evil goat” and feel the “power of Beezlebub coursing through his lower intestines” is back), I am reading about blacks voting for Obama simply because he is black although the ones interviewed said it isn’t like that. They don’t want Romney because he is white and they want someone who looks like them. I am reading articles about black celebrities being threatened and disrespected because they support the Republican platform and on Facebook, blacks are encouraged to “know their history”. Well, my history shows me and tells me that my predecessors fought and died so that as a black woman and a PERSON, I can make my OWN choices and vote the way I think will best suit my priorities and purposes. And I decided to check into the history of the political parties, so I could further know my history.

  • The Democratic party is the oldest political party in America and has the lengthiest record of continuous operation
  • The Democratic party was especially large and strong in the Southern US and  was majorly comprised of slave owners
  • The Ku Klux Klan was founded by the Democratic Party and its targets were members of the Republican party (both black and white)
  • An estimated 3,446 blacks and 1,297 whites died at the end of KKK ropes from 1882 to 1964
  • The first grand wizard of the KKK was honored at the 1868 Democratic National Convention
  • NO Democrats voted for the 14th Amendment to grant citizenship to former slaves
  • Proposed by John F. Kennedy, and signed into law in 1964 by Lyndon Johnson, the Civil Rights Act was a sweeping, comprehensive piece of legislation intended to end discrimination based on race, color, religion, or national origin; it is often called the most important U.S. law on civil rights since Reconstruction. A number of southern and border state Democratic senators tried to block the Civil Rights Act through a filibuster, during which West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd held up the bill’s passage by speaking for nearly 15 consecutive hours.
  • The Republican party is the second oldest political party in the USA
  • It emerged in 1854 to combat the Kansas Nebraska Act which threatened to extend slavery into the territories, and to promote more vigorous modernization of the economy
  • The Republican party had almost ZERO presence in the South
  • Republicans often led the efforts to pass federal anti-lynching laws and their platforms consistently called for a ban on lynching. Democrats successfully blocked those bills
  • The Republican Party was based on northern white Protestants, businessmen, professionals, factory workers, farmers, and African-Americans. It was pro-business, supporting banks, the gold standard, railroads, and tariffs to protect industrial workers and industry.

So when did the ones who wished to enslave us become the ones who wanted to save us? When did the party that fought for us to have equal rights and for all to have a piece of the pie abandon the middle class for the upper class? It is hard to say but most historians and experts pinpoint it to Lyndon B. Johnson (a Democratic President) pushing the Civil Rights Bill through, despite severe opposition from a Democratic Congress; that act won the black vote over to the Democratic party and since then, Democrats have won the black vote in the upper percentile (88%-92%), primarily because Democrats woo African Americans with programs and platforms that appeal to them. With their primary base gone from under them, the Republicans then began wooing the upper class and wealthy for their votes…and so the flip began.

This election may be the most important election of my lifetime to date….things are a HUGE mess and each side is blaming the other and now is the time to be objective. Not blinded by race or party. This deficit has been ongoing for a loooong time now; mistakes were made by both sides, by the Presidents’ various Congresses and while I am not expecting anyone to fix everything in 4 years, I would appreciate a leader whose priorities align with mine…and right now my priorities are the economy and employment. Now is the time to realize that both candidates are politicians; both candidates are millionaires and NO ONE will ever understand your story until they have lived it.

Realize that your opinion is just that…your opinion. You cannot tell people who to vote for (and STOP telling people who you are voting for). People died so that we can have the right to vote and voting is sacred. You cannot threaten or force  people to follow your path…let them follow their own. The leader of this country has to be one who can effectively lead and can address the issues and follow through with positive, productive actions…the color of his skin or his party affiliation should not be a factor. Review the issues, know what you need from effective leadership and then make your decision. Because your vote affects YOU…let us give other folks the courtesy and respect we wish simply because their vote (which affects THEM) is not the vote you would make.

Hopefully, this was objective, unbiased and educational. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

Chit.Chat.

I have been promising blog posts on at least two topics for like…ever: football and Meredith Grey (I have been promising a post on her so long, I think I am the only one who remembers); a political post has been dancing around the edges and I had decided against not airing my political stance, but things are getting utterly ridiculous so I may write that one next, in a totally objective way, of course.  But today’s post is just a collection of things that have been happening this week.

I have a cold (or perhaps I am severely allergic to cleaning cat shit) so I feel like crap. In a tightly sealed bag submerged in water. But I also do not like just laying/sitting around…well, sometimes I do but today, I want to feel productive and since I have not posted in  a week and domestic chores (carpet cleaning and laundry) are sounding as if they would require superhuman efforts which I am not exerting today, I am going to post. Not a lot has been going on so this post will probably be short (and boring). Bear with me though…I will try to make it up to you readers somehow.

First, I have to tell you Oscar is having a girl! She is super excited, nervous and in disbelief, but I told her, you and everyone else here first. It seems the further along she gets, the more concerns and fears arise with Kayla’s father (and while I do  have Oscar’s permission to talk about that situation, it is best to let more pieces fall into place before letting it loose…we all know how quickly things change around here) but I do have some advice for our Little Mother. Some lessons are simply hindsight….no matter what you do to try and correct the situation, make things right or reach out either for help or to help…it will not do one ounce of good. The person was there for a reason (that reason being Kayla) and you just have to pick up and do what you have to do alone. Personally, if I have made it this far without you being in the picture….I do not need you in the picture. There are too many resources available to single mothers and God forbid if the father mans up and ends up being Him, Jr. 2.0.

Second, I have joined the 21st century…finally. I have an android Smartphone for my new cell phone. It is an HTC OneV and I have an actual plan (non contractual), not pay as you go although if I miss a payment, they have no problems shutting me down, so I guess it is pay as you go, right? I have no idea what I am doing with this joker but Cuz is coming over to help me get used to it and learn how to navigate it…I think he may be more excited than I am. Before it came, he called me twice a day, everyday asking if the phone had arrived. Every day I said no, he simply hung up. Well, not quite like that but you could tell if there was no new phone, there was no conversation. And the day it came, he was rushing me to meet the FedEx guy at the door; Cuz says with the arrival of the 21st century cell phone, we can get the band back together: he will be BlackDaddyDynamite (the rapper), I will be Bottom Bitch (I still LOL at the nickname), the DJ (no one is ready for the beats I am gonna drop), my Neighbor is HoneyBee (the backup singer), Chef is the Doorman (collecting tickets and money) and Him and AFO are Cream Corn (the backup dancers, complete with MC Hammer pants). I am getting a mental image and I may have to return the phone.

Last but not least, I am pet-sitting this week. I have always said that there is not much I won’t do for a dollar and this proves it, without a doubt. First, let me say just because I do not have pets (or children) does not mean that I do not love them or enjoy being around them, but I know me…I need them both in small doses and there are no small doses with animals. Dogs want constant, undivided attention and cats only want to be bothered when you don’t…fish may be suitable but I don’t think they can hear you when you talk to them. In any case, pets are like children except you do not get the added bonuses of them picking up behind themselves and being toilet trained. Oh, did I mention they are hell-bent on world domination?

This trio of pets I am caring for this week are a female dog who is maybe 12 pounds but has the personality of a 500 pound, angry black woman….I call her The Distraction…she is hyper as hell (do animals have ADHD?) and into everything, all the time. There is a sweet, quiet male cat I call The Lookout and there is a female cat I call Queen of the Domain. The Distraction and I had a rocky start…the dog would always bark and growl at me and has bitten me twice although we have become good friends since then…she now barks at others in an effort to protect me! When I tell her to shush, she looks at me as if to say: I am PROTECTING you…RECOGNIZE! She greets me at the door and in her excitement at seeing me and her quest for a treat, she almost knocks me down. Every.Time. When I enter the living room, where The Lookout is standing guard, The Lookout runs to wherever the Queen is to alert her of my arrival. The Queen is a TRIP….when I am in the kitchen, I have The Distraction dancing in front of me looking for food (while her dish of food sits untouched) and the Queen is meowing, demanding her food. She will not eat unless I am holding her food bowl (she is sick right now and has to have medication)…the one time I left her to feed herself, she knocked the bowl onto the floor and fled….I was having conniptions shooing The Distraction (who got in a healthy mouthful or two) and The Lookout from her food. The Queen goes to the bathroom wherever she sees fit, which is NOT in her litter box. I put down fresh litter, scoop it twice a day…everything. She still goes in the kitchen or the bedroom floor, which means I am really cleaning cat shit versus scooping poop. I have caught a cold dealing with the animals and everything smells like cat poo….the back of a cab, my apartment, me….it all smells like cat poo.

Today though, The Queen was really sick….lethargic, not eating, hiding and puking everywhere (the puke gave away her hiding places). I called everyone asking did they think she was dying and finally did what I should have done in the beginning….called her vet who gave me new meds for The Queen. She did show up for feeding time and ate her food and medication (I was standing there like a statue holding the bowl), and drank some water so hopefully she is back on the mend. Now I am about to g get a shower and get my laundry ready for washing tomorrow. I also need to call unemployment (again! I swear, I am either about to get a full time job or a sugar daddy of epic proportions) in the morning so I am thinking the animals are getting an early morning feeding.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and new/interesting topics coming soon) and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

Reality Check

There has been a lot going on and not externally…internally. I don’t like it…internal processing means I am lacking somewhere, hiding something or passing the buck. It means being truthful with myself and you guys know how I feel about truth. I would rather be honest (it can be shifted to fit your reality) than truthful (it does not change until your reality does), but I am trying to get better to be better. I want to change my attitude and behaviors so my choices will be different. NOT an easy task and in its own I am doing this to help you way, a painful one. We all know that the truth can hurt sometimes.

You guys know how I like to say certain people (myself included) are delusional, right? My Big Three delusional folks are Sister Someone, Him and myself…the difference is somehow the other two have made their delusions work for them. Their delusions, inner demons and reality have all joined forces and banded together to form some twisted reality in which they find the person of their dreams and happiness unheard of; with me, the real world  intrudes and breaks through the delusion(s) I have managed to create and that is what is happening with this internal processing. I am breaking free of delusions, facing reality and realizing things…it is all random and arbitrary but much needed. Still, it would be nice to not have to face the real world and even better to find someone who also does not (or does not want to) face reality also. So, there is a lot to say on just a few subjects…warning, we have covered these topics before but like I have blogged before: you repeat the life lessons until you get them right.

Sister Someone/Brother Everything: If I am going to be truthful, I would have to say the following news was the catalyst for my latest round of internal processing. These two tied the knot yesterday. Besides the shock, disbelief and Negative Nancy thoughts (I choose to call them reality checks), there was once again a twinge of envy. Sister Someone is genuinely happy and excited and has this glow on her face that is simply…radiant. Forget the fact that Brother Everything is using the total FUCK out of her and is still looking around for escape routes and potential options…Sister Someone has made her delusion and craziness work for her to achieve her goal of a family. I am not hating on her and I really do wish and hope she and Brother Everything can make it work and he does not hurt her too badly. Hurt will happen (intentional or not), but hopefully it will be in small doses and her delusion can help them keep it together. However, I have to wonder at the fairness of a woman who gives into her delusions and unhealthiness and achieves her dreams while I try to get better,  emotionally healthy and do things the right way  and I cannot even get a response to an email? FYI: I did not attend the ceremony (it was held at her house) for a variety of reasons but I do plan to send them a gift basket…debating between fruit and cookies (so they can share with her son)  or wine and cheeses.

Job/Career: I survived the temp assignment without killing anyone or being killed myself, and I realized something: I need leeway. I need to be able to wear printed pants and to chew gum at my desk. I need to be able to be late. Now, I am not that delusional that I think strolling in at 10:30am to grace folks with my presence on a job which requires me to be there at 8:30am is acceptable. I know it isn’t, but to tell me that at 8:31 I am late or that if I am gathering my belongings at 5:29, I am considered to be leaving early…THAT is not going to work. I am not angry that punctuality was a big thing on the assignment…responsible people ARE punctual, but to expect promptness and punctuality 5 consecutive days a week out of me is too much pressure. I will never meet that expectation, especially if I know there is no long term benefit/payoff.  The efforts I exerted to try and conform to the rules have been unheard of by people I see and talk to everyday…hell, the Island would have had dance parties and happy hours every day if I were a mere 1-6 minutes late. So I need an assignment that will allow me to do what I love (being an admin and not the receptionist without a keyboard) and where I am not expected to be the first one in the office. I need the fifteen minute grace period.

Weight: I am feeling chunky. Well, chunkier than usual…I have never had a problem being a bigger girl (nothing on me will ever be single digit size wise except for rings and bracelets) but lately, I have been feeling not as comfortable with myself. It is as if there is this thick wall of fat that I cannot seem to penetrate…usually it moves with me, but lately I feel as if I am walking around it…does anyone know what I am talking about? Well, I have no delusions when it comes to my weight and I know when I am gaining and I have finally taken action. I bought into a Living Social/Groupon type of deal where I can take 12 yoga classes for $12…that’s $1/class! I have been partial to yoga because it is not too strenuous (I have to start slowly) and it clears the mind while toning the body…sounds like it could be a win/win if I stick with it. I have already gone out and bought tops and knit leggings and a yoga mat (it is a lime greenish color AND non-slip. VERY important)….now to see if they a children’s beginner class so I can feel right at home and not too conspicuous when I fail miserably at the most basic of poses.

The Men: I know you guys are probably tired of me talking about the same men and trust me, sometimes I am also but I am completely delusional in this area and I tend not to listen or heed advice …so we are back to where we began. Besides, somewhere in this emotional mess lies answers to a lot of questions if I am willing to dig deep enough. Already I have discovered three things: my delusion when it comes to men allows me to eat their bullshit and call it palatable. I know someone, somewhere knows exactly what I am talking about. Second thing I realized is that I get pieces of men because I start out by giving them pieces of me. Eventually (and with the wrong ones) I open myself up fully and present myself but by then, the bar has already been set. Pieces and part time are what I said I wanted and offered, and that is what I got/get in return. Third thing, I never fully resolve or process my emotional baggage….I have issues and baggage lying around and building up and I simply transfer all I had with one man to another one. It’s like a mother who is nursing a baby…the baby gets older but refuses to give up nursing and the mother has let it go on so long, she is not in a position to put her foot down about it.. So the mother has another baby to push the old one off her but then another one is latched onto her…she never resolved the problem of the nursing child, she simply pushed the first baby out the way to make room for the second baby. And she will push the second baby away by having a third, and so on, That is how I feel my personal life has been….Married Man was knocked out the box by him; him has been replaced with AFO. Will I find someone else to knock AFO out the box or will I sit back and breathe a sigh of relief at having lip-free nipples? Hard to say, but let’s deal with what we have on our plate today…

Him: The delusion is dissipating and for the first time ever, I can say (truthfully) that I feel nothing but indifference towards him. I was probably leaning that way for quite awhile but did not want to NOT feel something for him. The catalyst here was the man’s cowardice at refusing to give me a professional reference…it really just pushed me over the edge. I thought at first this was another tactic to get me to initiate contact but I am not feeding into that. Instead, I want to  say the fact of the matter is the man has moved completely on (actually, he moved on a long time ago and I am just now getting the memo)  and I am nothing to him. Certainly, I was never what I wanted to be to him and I really thought that my love for him would be enough to sustain us both but he dragged us both down.  And now I KNOW… all my loving, all my hating…all my efforts were truly wasted…before, during and after. And I have nothing else to waste. Believe me, this is true indifference…not “I’m holding feelings back because he will never notice”. Indifference as in I don’t care. Now, do not confuse that with if some juicy gossip comes along I won’t listen (I swear, I am telling all really soon) …but I am no longer begging and seeking for any little scrap of info in some desperate attempt to keep him in my life somehow.

AFO: Delusion and reality are still battling it out like cats and dogs with this issue and I am searching for any distraction not to have to write out what I feel and know to be the truth. All I know is I cannot keep nursing AFO…yes, I can admit and accept that the man is a fling…a passionate, incredible, gives me all I want/need (when he is not fingering me) fling. He showers with me attention (much needed and so rarely given by others) and praise (without prompts) but most importantly, when he is here with me….I am the priority and that has never happened. And it isn’t all about the sex…we watch movies, television and football games together. We share meals,  have talks about random things and like I told you guys before…I can be me without all the bells and whistles. When we are together, he amps up my happiness quotient to heights unheard of….but then he has to return home and I am completely dropped from the roster and that is what I cannot accept. I know I said I could deal with it being what it is, but I can’t. I am not emotionally mature enough to balance the delusion, expectations and the reality. And the reality is…I do not exist for him once he returns to the Gulf Coast. It is as if our time together never happened. NO idea why and the man is not around enough for me or the Panel to get a handle on his thought processes or emotional state.

See, I like AFO, lots and lots and bunches of bunches…and I swear, I would rather be in love than in like. Love knows when things aren’t  working and it is being disrespected, so it gets to stepping. Like…like has hope and expectations and will hang around hoping to see something come to fruition, and I cannot have hope and expectations with AFO. Even in small doses, hope is dangerous to have in a situation like this but I DO have hope for AFO and I. Expectations are a no-no but the man hands them to me, wrapped in pretty paper and topped with ribbons and bows and that is not working out for me. And we are both to blame: me for not sticking with MY ad and MY rules. I am crossing my own boundaries because this man…he gives me what not even Him could manage and to be able to have it for even a little while is better than never having it. It is AFO’s fault for saying things outside of the bedroom…for taking it beyond mere sex. I can understand people saying what you want to hear but usually they do it as part of pillow talk (which I could leave in the bed). I never said I wanted a relationship, I never said that he should say certain things to prove he was sincerely sorry about the gaffes and mistakes he made with his latest return. He said things, he did things and I am not going to say he made me believe them…I wanted to believe because I like him and I want the unexpected Hollywood movie romance. He needs to shut up and I need to stay on my side of the fence but we never do…we are a train wreck without the fireworks and drama.  I think UTA hit the nail on the head when the man returned last month…he does not mean to lie or lead me on. He has some sort of role-play fetish or companionship void that needs to be filled. I fill it for him when he is in town and when he is here, he means the words he says. He does enjoy me and the time we spend together, he does want to build on the connection…but it is only in the here and now. And I have to make a choice…he can no longer be my pretend boyfriend or a potential suitor. He can either be my fling when he is in town and non-existent the other times, or I need to find the strength to cut it off completely, because again…I am settling. Seriously, who goes from being the priority to being dropped completely from the roster on a constant basis? I have no idea what to call that but the word relationship does not come to mind.

Morning Person says I am lonely and these are the lengths I am willing to go to just to say I have someone (she did not word it quite like that, but that is the gist of it) but I am lonely for AFO, not just any man. I have options from other respondents to my ad, but I don’t want them. I want AFO which is somehow tied to me wanting Him (despite my indifference) which is somehow tied to me wanting another man….maybe it all boils down to the challenge of breaking down the emotional walls and guards . I have no idea, but I need to do more work on me. I need to work on being more than just okay and re-learn how to be happy with what I have  (just because I have not attained all I want does not mean I cannot be happy) and realize I deserve more and better. I know I cannot have expectations, but I can have standards; I see now that hope is a good thing to have, but you have to have it in small doses and sometimes, with certain people and situations, you cannot have any at all.

Okay, I have rambled on enough…getting to work on new posts with new topics . As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!