Eleven Years….

Eleven years is a long time…it is a decade plus one year. Yet on today, it is as if time rolls back. Memories of the attacks on the World Trade Centers, the Pentagon and the crashing of the airplane in Shanksville, Pennsylvania are as vivid as the day they happened. Estimations have 3,000 lives being lost that day. Every time I think of that day and the true impact of the loss, devastation and suffering experienced on that day, I am humbled and saddened.

But, like so many, I have healed some. I feel somewhat safe again. I have trust and faith that the Boogeyman is gone and that the memorials and remembrances are enough. Sometimes. Time heals all wounds. Sometimes. We are strong here in America…after all, we are the home of the brave. We did not back down, we sought out those responsible and the head of the dragon has been removed, and there are thank-yous that need to be said.

First, to the Victims: thank you beyond measure for your sacrifice and courage in the face of a horror unknown to so many of us. You may be gone, but you are not forgotten. At all.

To the Families of the Victims: we grieve with you, we cry with you and while we can never feel or understand the depth of your loss, please know that a nation prays with you and for you, and on more than the anniversary of this day.

To the Police Officers and Firefighters: the mere nature of your respective jobs require courage, but the valor and bravery displayed by you on 9/11 and the days following went above and beyond. In the midst of panic, terror and losing some of your own, you stayed calm, level-headed and did all you could and more to make sure every survivor was found and that loved ones were reunited.

To Everyday Citizens: they say we are all heroes, but not all get to show that they are. On 9/11, everyday people showed their courage, heroism and love for their fellow man. No one was a stranger, race/political affiliation/class distinction did not matter. As Americans, we were in this together and I only wish we could have such camaraderie on a more consistent basis.

To Our Military Troops and Veterans: Your service to this country is invaluable. Your going to war to help prevent another attack happening not only here, but anywhere else in the world is something only a chosen few can do. You give of yourself every day, and so many of you have given your lives so that the rest of us can live in freedom and without fear. You leave your families so that we may live with ours. Thank you is simply inadequate.

I am not going to re-hash the events…we all know what happened and how we were affected, as a country and individually. I am not going to say anything else…there are more eloquent writers and speakers than me that will say and write all I cannot. I will say I  pray that the healing continues, that the hurts abate and that we learn to live together and respect and love each other for who we are; let us not be prejudiced against others because of what a few extremists do/did or say/said. Let us learn to love and appreciate this country for what it offers and to keep the faith that better days lie ahead. Remember the sacrifices of others to ensure that we are here today. I pray we forgive, but never forget. Ever.

 

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Blog Post #3

THIS is utterly ridiculous…that I am spending so much time and energy writing about a man who is so unbelievably delusional, has such a selfish agenda and an incredible liar to boot is something I thought was reserved for Him.  I guess not and I never thought I would be saying this one at this stage of the game, but I would take him AND BTH at this point. Hell, I would cook them dinner with a smile and be happy to do so.

So, if you have been keeping count, this is post #3 in less than 24 hours and I ended the last post debating whether or not to let AFO know exactly who I was, and Chef, New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy agreed with Oscar. Tell him. Artsy Craftsy said it would KILL her for him NOT to remember who she was, so I did. I responded to his email, attached a face pic and told him he bought me white cotton socks. In less than 5 minutes, I got a phone call from the man. Remember this part as I found it interesting given all he said during (and after) the phone call.

Of course he remembered me; he missed me sooo much and he never ignored my email to him…he never received it. Come on, I knew him…he was not that sort of guy and he was so glad we had re-connected. After all, we had a relationship. He wanted to see me every night he was in town and asked what I had been up to? I told him I was not interested in meeting with him…he ignored and forgot me…and this is where I told him it was strange he still had my number  yet for all his missing of me, he never once called to tell me he was returning to town. He answered an ad to seek companionship….this idiot comes back with “but it was YOUR ad.” I told him I was keeping all online interactions strictly business and he asked what that meant…I told him it meant financial generosity; he balked big time but when I pointed out he was offering generosity before he knew it was me, he agreed to an amount good only for the hour and wanted to meet RIGHT NOW. I told him I would let him know when I was ready to meet…and now I am going to let his emails do the talking…they began soon after the phone call:

Of course I am available to talk with you and be with you.  My memory has been sufficiently refreshed, I really enjoyed our get togethers, you really helped me deal with my stress.  After I hung up, I had a question, I thought our relationship had evolved past the “generours” date….You were insatiable when we were together…..I was saddened you couldn’t see me tonight but I understand you may feel the need to punish me.”

“I know you don’t believe me but I really have missed you and have not been with another woman since you. I a sorry I had brain farts and did not immediately remember you, but that does not mean I forgot about you or our times together. Our relationship is very special to me and I value our connection. Have you had any studs as good as me since we were last together?”

“Okay, now I can’t sleep thinking about the time we spent together.  I just looked at my schedule and it appears that I will be in mtgs until approximately 5pm each day, then I have to go to the gym (have to work on my girly figure, lol), go to dinner with my co-workers – then I am free to come cuddle with you.  Please send me your address so I can plug it into mapquest and get directions, so we both know how far I have to go.  I know we agreed on an amount but I am going to need a reduced donation seeing that I have to pay the gas to go all the way to/from your house.”

And to think…this man was almost my baby daddy…to think I was up at 2am having fucking meltdowns over this. I think I lost my mind, self-esteem and common sense without realizing it but I can say without a doubt, my Panel knows me better than anyone. They tell me constantly I lose myself over loser dudes and put complete assholes on pedestals when I am so far above them, it is ridiculous. It is as if I deliberately lower myself so they are elevated, and not a one of them is worthy of even a passing glance or thought.

So once again, the AFO incident is over and this time it is for real. This shit is ridiculous and I have to say, I brought it on myself when I mixed business with pleasure over a feeling. He does not have to worry about coming over to cuddle, or preparing lies and lines for me. I am beyond fine…I may not know what I want or what I deserve but I know I do not want or deserve this bullshit. Crazy is not part of the package, selfishness is not part of the package and being cheap? Get real.

Okay, so I am finally done and working on my next blog post…readers, thanks BUNCHES for sticking with me and this convoluted and largely unnecessary drama. Hey, at least I learned something from it…at least until the next guy I am willing to be foolish over comes along.

 

 

 

 

Stop.Talking.

Two blog posts in one day….this has not happened since the beginning of the Him fiasco, but hey, the blog is my therapy and I am feeling the need to once again make my thoughts visible. So here goes….and please ignore the formatting. NO idea what is going with that!

I realize it takes me a while to accept hurtful things and I am not as quick to understand that all of these wonderful happy endings I envision are only in my head. But, eventually I DO accept the current reality, learn my lessons and dust myself off. I make progress away from the situation and look forward to new people, adventures and drama…and that is when the object of my pathetic analysis chooses to make themselves known.

 I ended my previous blog post with the most ridiculous email from AFO: “My apologies, I travel alot.  Please remind me the last time we met and your first name.  Like I said, I am coming to the DC area and would love to get back with you.” Okay, does ANYONE other than myself remember this man acting a complete asinine fool our last day together? His hollering and yelling that I would have the ad, I would be the one to forget him, how we met, blah, blah, blah? Then how he ignored my email once he left? Well, I do….and after his abrupt and fucked-up re-entry into my world, I got over the pity party and accepted it for what it was: despite my best efforts, I was no more than several free pieces of pussy to him. He was not interested in a connection, friendship or relationship…his world is comprised of the military, travel and online ads. I was the one who mixed business and pleasure and held expectations because for a little while, I was so unbelievably happy. I accept that…I was/I am forgettable and expendable to the AFO and I tried to saddle him with things he did not want.  

I spent the day wrapping my head around accepting that fact. I talked to Morning Person and Oscar, I napped, watched some football and cooked a quick, tasty meal (seasoned beef, pasta noodles and peas in a smokehouse bacon sauce). I caught up with Big Brother spoilers and realized one thing and hazarded a guess at another: I keep doing the right things with/for the wrong people and maybe I am getting everything wrong in this life so I can get it right in the next one. And everything was going swimmingly…we all want to be remembered and we are…by the right people. Kind of like when 9 people tell you how great you look but the 10th person calls you ugly. It no longer matters  that 9 folks think you are pretty…you wonder why that 10th person doesn’t. And that is when I got yet another email: “As it turns out, I am not in Tysons corner but actually staying in Reston, VA, however I can travel to your location…..After you scolded me on not remembering, I have been racking my brain all day trying to remember you – your pics did look familiar.  You can text me at this phone number and we can get reacquainted.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                             This right here is a difference between men and women…women KNOW that you have received their email and when a man does not respond, we know you are ignoring us for whatever reason. Men…the fact/thought that they are being ignored never crosses their mind. The fact that I may be ignoring AFO for not remembering my sweet, tight loving, that I may be angry, even hurt over that….not even in his neighborhood of thinking right now. Him would do the same thing….send email after email until he received some type of acknowledgement even when tossing my communications to the side like so much garbage.                                                                                                                                                                                            So here is my question: do I respond, let AFO know exactly who I am and tell him I am no longer interested? Although the last part will probably be unnecessary as he will more than likely take off faster than an Olympic track star once I reveal myself or do I just continue to ignore him? I remember that he doesn’t return favors, subjects me to things I am not a fan of sexually and puts all kinds of crap out there to simply not follow through on them; I know he will say what he needs to to get what he wants….but he will pay, but how badly do I want those dollars? I have dates scheduled for next week, and while we all know you can never have too many “extra” dollars, not all money is good money. I don’t know…Oscar says to tell him who I am…the communications will either stop or I can put a stop to them.                                                                                                                                                                                             I will figure it out, hopefully to my best interest and not to feeding my ego…right now, time for a long, hot shower before Big Brother comes on, then starting work on a couple of new posts NOT about the idiot men I know. Thinking it may time for new idiot men…new names and new drama that we may be able to understand. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (again) and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

Drowning in (Self-Inflicted) Drama

It is a cool, sunny morning and I am debating on what to write about in this blog post. I have so many rants, vents, and  random thoughts roaming freely…they need to be written down and become visible so I can pick and choose or knowing me, go off on another tangent all together. Actually, I already know the random thoughts will be what comprises this post because there are so many of them; the weird thing is the majority of them are recycled situations/dramas that I keep feeding into. The only thing worse than drama (recycled or otherwise) is self-inflicted drama.   

One  of my random ideas for a blog post would be a political history of both parties but not sure I want to get into that. The elections tend to get intense, extreme and facts (never mind opinions or the concept of free will) are ignored or told half-assed…not sure if I am quite ready to get into that fray. Everyone spewing forth opinions and negativity already have me dreading logging onto Facebook, but I do want to say this regardless if the post gets written or not: please, stop telling people who to vote for; just encourage folks to vote. And keep in mind that the President can do nothing without his Congress…so for those who blame Bush, he had a Democratic Congress and for those who want to blame Obama, he has a Republican Congress. THIS chick is not voting based on race, wallet size or political affiliation…I am voting based on who tells the most plausible lies and who I think has the better solution and the balls to actually implement a plan to repair the damage, not keep trying to blame it on the other guy and leave an even bigger mess for the next President.

Speaking of blog posts, I am debating an update/catch-up of what is happening in The Land of Happier than I’ve Ever Been. Recent communications and me not telling all previously would make it a viable post but not sure  if I want to go there just yet…it would be filled with disclaimers as we have not verified anything (I was responsible for that and lost interest…OMG, did I actually just say that?) and frankly, I am wanting to hear the man has grown a pair and is actually doing something about his situation other than whining and then lying about it.

Now, onto the (self-inflicted) recycled drama: people, it is time for me to get a job and go offline. Seriously. I no longer have the patience to deal with the multiple personalities (meant in every sense of the words) that come through my inbox. The men with the fantasies of hosiery and heels, the spanking fantasies, the ones who are simply seeking reassurances that they are normal and someone else thinks they are also. The ones wanting to negotiate both prices and time, the ones who call me names when I won’t meet with them and this past week I have had one who stands out. I call him the Persistent Game Playing Client. Can I mention he was at least twice my size, half my height and sweats constantly? I met with this dude once back in January and he has made dates at least once a week with me, only to be a no show, no call. He emails me last week saying he wants to meet RIGHT NOW. When I told him I was done and no longer communicating with him or entertaining his requests, he finds another “date” with a white woman (which for some reason seems important to him)…and TELLS ME ABOUT IT  (as if I am supposed to be jealous and hurt) saying I act as if I am the only game in town (I am always accommodating and agreeable to meeting, yet he is the one standing me up every.time and I am the one acting like my shit don’t stink? ) and I DROVE him to seek someone else. THEN, he says he still wants to see me and help me through this difficult financial period and he is my biggest fan. Really?

My last bit of drama pretty much had me in meltdown mode…I was up at 2am with Weekend Phone Friend DEEP in a pity party. Weekend Phone Friend tried really hard to pull me up out if it but I refused to budge. I was going all the way back…Married Man never gave a damn, Him tossed me aside after using the hell out of me sexually and emotionally, Reliable One was on vacation with another chick and now….this. I am going to give Phone Friend credit….he tried so hard but finally gave up saying I was determined to fuck up his intervention efforts by not accepting that at this point in time I am unlucky in love and caring too much about men who should never have mattered that much…ever. So what happened? Air Force Officer emailed to say he was coming back to town and wanted to meet for movies, drinks and white cotton sock play….but he did not email me personally. He responded to the exact ad he answered the first time around and pretty much sent the same introductory info (minus movies and drinks) as before. Despite the ad being exactly the same (title, text and pictures), he has NO IDEA who the hell I am…and that hurt. Male Panel members were quick to say of course he remembered me…he was just playing games to see if I remembered him, but my girls gave it to me straight. Hell no, he did not remember me…probably a combination of answering 10,000 ads and being a fuck nut. I told them he was a cowardly fuck nut because when I let him know that I did indeed remember who he was, there have been no more communications from him. So, I broke every rule in my book to let this guy know I found him special and different…suspended financial obligations, let him sleep naked in my bed, had unprotected sex and built my schedule around him… I sat over here with 6 days of analysis over him, 3 blog posts (at least)  about him…and he has no idea who.the.hell.I.am. What the FUCK? I do not ask for much, but when I am being awesome and regaling you with 2 of the 3 things I do incredibly well…can you at least remember who I am long enough to either show/acknowledge appreciation or simply ignore me? To have to be reminded who I am for you to ignore me? Ego bruiser for sure (wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry and ended up doing both) but hey…it’s another lesson learned. Can I just say I am freaking TIRED of lessons?

If you are still reading, I appreciate you bearing with me…I know the AFO incident makes absolutely NO SENSE (I am going to hazard a guess and say there are high levels of transference there ) and I am probably in need of professional therapy at this point for my people pleasing and validation issues, but I have to own my role in this. I am carrying around a lifetime of pain/hurt, issues and general fucked-upness. The online dates become issues because I don’t apply the brakes sooner…trust me, you can tell if the person is sincere about meeting and actually following through once they arrive; the pity parties show up because I do not listen when I speak…I already know I am not ready, yet I am thinking 2 days in solitary erases a lifetime of thought processes and choosing to seek love in all the wrong people. I am not satisfied with what I have and honestly, it isn’t that bad at all: I get to casually date and eat good food for free, have incredible (sometimes) sex, keep a roof over my head, occasional shopping sprees and all without the distraction of caring for another person while I continue to allow myself to be prepared for an incredible journey. Yet, it isn’t enough and I have no idea why….next blog post, we are talking about football. No shit.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!  

PS—AFO has responded and THIS is what he has to say..verbatim: “My apologies, I travel alot.  Please remind me the last time we met and your first name.  Like I said, I am coming to the DC area and would love to get back with you.”

Yeah, we are talking football next time.

Playbook

 The pain is subsiding more and more each day (YAY for rest and Mini-Me coming through with some pain meds) and in between sleeping  and shopping sprees, I have been thinking. One thing I realized is that the blog is now two years old and I cannot believe how quickly time flies. It has been an incredible two years filled with friendships (old and new), challenges on all fronts and a lot realizations and revelations. I never thought I would be at a point where I would be wanting a new relationship and to feel and receive love again but I am. I know I am still holding on in some ways to him and what we had but those days are so far and few between…I am going to say I am healed enough to not want him back but not healed enough to firmly shut the door. Partly out of what I felt for him and what we had when it was great but mostly because what is going on over there is so unreal, the Nosy Parker in me just HAS to know.

The other thing on my mind I vented about in my previous post, but I am done venting and being frustrated. I may be powerless, but am not helpless and sometimes one needs to sit back, reflect and see what can be done. Sometimes, it is not about action (especially immediate action) but about how to proceed once action is an option. I guess one could call it a plan, but this is more of a playbook…a playbook of what I have learned, what role I play and how best to navigate within my situation. I will probably skip something, miss something and not make sense but this is what I have found out about me and what I need to do going forward.

Accept the fact I am still not ready: Easier said than done. I am not ready to share myself with people unless they are already part of my inner circle. I do not feel like sitting around, picking over pieces of my  life trying to see what is acceptable to say or for them to know. I am not in the mood to listen to them share their pieces…I am too busy wondering what is in it for me, what issues they are hiding and when will they leave me/hurt me/use me. I am not ready to take it slow and enjoy the journey…I want the destination and at this point in time, I have no idea what the destination is or should be. I still have a lot of lingering anger and the trust and validation issues are still unresolved. I am not ready nor am I prepared.

Online is NOT the way: Online for me is a waste of time. It has just now dawned on me that a long time ago, I decided that I would use online for financial purposes and that is how I view it. When I place an ad online, I am expecting something in return for very little work or effort on my part. The platonic ads seeking a movie partner? I offer to pay my own way, but I am expecting the responder to man up and pay my way as a gentleman. When I posted looking for someone to take it slow and actually build a relationship, I did mean it at that time but while I have my own expectations, men do also. Men looking for a relationship really are not looking online…they are looking for something quick, very short -term and easy online and I want to be angry and bash them for that. So I have my expectations, they have theirs and I need to keep online in the box I have placed it in.

No mixing business with pleasure: It is the same as with online….the men I meet online are looking for the ultimate in no strings attached and regardless of the rare butterflies that arise when I see them or kiss them…it is a no go. And if I meet another who I want to be in my bed, spend the night and/or feel the need to suspend financial obligations for…stop me, slap me and take away my internet and laptop. He is completely crazy and wrong for me and I won’t know it until after the damage is done.

Take better care of myself: I cannot alter my facial features and cannot do anything about my height, but I can start doing little things that lead to bigger things. I realize in this health-conscious era men are looking for mates that are at least into preventive maintenance. Men looking for a long term relationship tend to think of  their potential mates in the long term also. What issues are likely to arise with a potential person financially, medically, mentally? They wonder how much weight will you gain (especially if you are already heavier or are thin but have no exercise regiment), what health issues are likely to arise as a result of current habits. How well do you handle your money? And this is only the tip of the iceberg…I have been talking about eating healthier and I still want to take the beginner yoga class once I am able to keep it going. I don’t know a lot but I know once you start an exercise routine, it is best to maintain it and I want to be able to do that. I could afford to cut back on smoking and honestly, when I am working, I do not smoke as often…it is only now that I have so much free time that I am going through at least a pack a day. Volunteering is something I think about but more than likely I will do as I have already done…donate to charities and help the random homeless person I come across in my travels. At least it shows I am caring and have compassion.

Happiness: Cuz and I were talking and he kept saying he wanted someone to make him happy…and I have to remember that I am responsible for my happiness. No one can make me happy…they can enhance/complement my happiness but I have to be happy with me first, then I will be able to accept what someone else brings into my life. I do not want to have to be completed or in a relationship where we bring 50/50 to the table. I want both of us to bring 100% in everything and we can work on making a table together with all we both have. Not sure if that came out right but I know exactly what I mean.

Sex: Yes, it is an important part of the relationship and like anything else, both parties should get what they need from you in that regard but if the first thing (sometimes the only thing)  a woman is offering is her body…she does not have much more to bring to the table other than what every other woman in the world has. How can anyone stand out if they have nothing different to offer? And if sex is the first thing a man asks about or it’s the only thing he wants to know about….he is not trying to offer you anything but what every other man has. He is not looking for a relationship…he is looking for a wet hole.

Get over the exes: I am actually doing SO much better with that…when asked why I do not have a man, there are no more 3 hour monologues on what the hell happened, there are no more tears and no more hurt. But, I need to get over him even more…in a mental sense. I have blogged before, there is no need for me to know all I do (thinking of airing all the dirty laundry but need to check with the Panel first) but there is a part of my brain (no longer connected to the heart strings) that says I have to listen, I need to know. And I don’t. In all truth, I do not need to know, but a part of me still wants to…it is not to gloat, it si not even for gossip…but a part of me still needs to know what life for him is like without me. I am probably obsessed and have Level 5 stalker tendencies but that is for contemplation another day. Oh, and speaking of exes, do you all know Married Man had MAIL sent to my apartment? Seriously…some insurance papers for coverage of my home, spouse ,and children addressed to Married Man was in my mailbox. I ripped it up and tossed it.

So these are what I managed to pinpoint in my contemplation. I am sure I missed something but it will come to me as I think more about how I can fill the time waiting for the Next Big Thing and acting on the things that will bring about change and self-improvement for me regardless of when or even if I get another shot at the merry-go-round of love.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…..enjoy your day!

 

Impatience

Fair warning…this post is a rambling, random hot mess. It’s just thoughts and feelings and while it more than likely won’t make sense to anyone but me and the few that can (or are willing to admit they can) relate, I can no longer carry it around and want it off me. Not asking anyone to pick it up but if you can offer insights or suggestions…please do.

Why do we settle? We tell ourselves, our friends and family tell us how beautiful, strong, smart and intelligent we are. We do believe ourselves and others when they tell us this, right? Yet, if actions speak louder than words…we don’t believe it and everyone is lying to us, ourselves included. So many of us settle for being the other woman, a baby mama or even the one night stand/every once in awhile booty call because we cannot believe that we ARE deserving and worthy of so much more.

Is it impatience? Do we hear the ticking of biological clocks, do we view the passing of years as time running out versus time spent improving and becoming more experienced? So many of us view ourselves as getting older, but I say nothing gets older but money and food. I have said it before and will say it again (often): I am old enough to know better but still young enough to do it anyway…and while I won’t be the one to skydive, bungee jump or hike incredible mountain trails…I can be the one for a stroll along the waterfront, to feed you hot chicken soup when you are sick and I can help make everything okay (or at least tell you they will be).

Could it be because people are sending such mixed signals? More often than not, you will hear it is women being sneaky and trying to trap a man but since I do not play games and am not seeking an alternative lifestyle, I can only speak on my experience with men. I find it is men who are either hellbent on following their own agenda, greedy and selfish (I think Married Man falls into both of those categories)  or they are truly confused. Him and Brother Everything are perfect examples of being confused and sending mixed signals. Him swore he wanted a woman he could have intelligent conversations with, who could cook, clean and have marketable skills that would allow her to maintain employment. He wanted a woman who did not mind and actually could be domestic to share with cooking, cleaning and laundry; a woman who was still sexual and open-minded when it came to that. A woman with no children.  And he had that in me…yet, he is now married to another with three children and who I swear cannot check off one of the boxes on his checklist. Brother Everything (who is lazy as fuck) cannot cook and hates to clean…yet he is now engaged to a woman who is okay with piles of dirty laundry and molded toilet seats and whose idea of dinner is McDonalds, Stouffers and Marie Callender. In fact, Brother Everything is in a brand new category…the man wants a woman who will bake (or buy) his cake, slice it for him and feed it to him while he swigs back beers and watches sports on TV.

So what am I as a good, decent SINGLE women supposed to do? A woman who is clean and keeps a clean house. A woman who can cook, and is caring, loving and kind. Who believes in building her man up versus breaking him down. A woman who takes care in her appearance (size/weight has nothing to do with that) and is mindful not only in what she brings to the table but also HOW she brings it to the table. Isn’t this what men say they want?  Would they want me if I were packaged differently and would I want a man who bases his entire relationship on my physical attributes? Maybe I should become a  bitch and/or a gold digger out only for myself and use sex as a weapon because it seems these are the women who are married or in long term relationships and I find myself as either the good time girl or the other woman.

I do not get the vacations, the presents (unexpected or otherwise)….hell, I cannot even get commitment. I get excuses (sometimes), apologies (rare and usually followed by hurtful comments) and generally left on the sidelines despite being all the wonderful things guys want. Even Reliable One who says I am his dream woman and all he has ever hoped for is taking another woman on a week-long vacation to Antigua and while I am trying not to be jealous as he does come through for me with what I need when I need it…I am still like…REALLY? Is it me or is it them (men)? And maybe this is why I am willing to settle…not because I feel time is running out but because I keep doing everything right and I keep getting the wrong results. Maybe I DO need to become a selfish, self-centered bitch because we all know the sayings: to do the same thing over and over while expecting  different results is insanity and my personal favorite: keep doing what you do and you will keep getting what you get. So do I change who I am to attract a man who will shower me with all the good parts of a relationship and offer me commitment or do I stay true to myself and more than likely alone as no one recognizes or appreciates who I am? I have no idea. All I know is sometimes….it would be awesome to have someone to do dinner and movies with on a Friday night, catch a Saturday breakfast/brunch with and to know that someone thinks I am wonderful, incredible and the best thing ever.

No, it is not a pity party…I am just totally confused, a bit frustrated and like anyone else…I want someone in my life who is stable, somewhat sane and who is in love with, cares for and wants to be with me. I realize I may not be ready yet but can a sista get a preview, or an option or two?

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and bearing with me) and as usual….enjoy your day!