The pain is subsiding more and more each day (YAY for rest and Mini-Me coming through with some pain meds) and in between sleeping and shopping sprees, I have been thinking. One thing I realized is that the blog is now two years old and I cannot believe how quickly time flies. It has been an incredible two years filled with friendships (old and new), challenges on all fronts and a lot realizations and revelations. I never thought I would be at a point where I would be wanting a new relationship and to feel and receive love again but I am. I know I am still holding on in some ways to him and what we had but those days are so far and few between…I am going to say I am healed enough to not want him back but not healed enough to firmly shut the door. Partly out of what I felt for him and what we had when it was great but mostly because what is going on over there is so unreal, the Nosy Parker in me just HAS to know.
The other thing on my mind I vented about in my previous post, but I am done venting and being frustrated. I may be powerless, but am not helpless and sometimes one needs to sit back, reflect and see what can be done. Sometimes, it is not about action (especially immediate action) but about how to proceed once action is an option. I guess one could call it a plan, but this is more of a playbook…a playbook of what I have learned, what role I play and how best to navigate within my situation. I will probably skip something, miss something and not make sense but this is what I have found out about me and what I need to do going forward.
Accept the fact I am still not ready: Easier said than done. I am not ready to share myself with people unless they are already part of my inner circle. I do not feel like sitting around, picking over pieces of my life trying to see what is acceptable to say or for them to know. I am not in the mood to listen to them share their pieces…I am too busy wondering what is in it for me, what issues they are hiding and when will they leave me/hurt me/use me. I am not ready to take it slow and enjoy the journey…I want the destination and at this point in time, I have no idea what the destination is or should be. I still have a lot of lingering anger and the trust and validation issues are still unresolved. I am not ready nor am I prepared.
Online is NOT the way: Online for me is a waste of time. It has just now dawned on me that a long time ago, I decided that I would use online for financial purposes and that is how I view it. When I place an ad online, I am expecting something in return for very little work or effort on my part. The platonic ads seeking a movie partner? I offer to pay my own way, but I am expecting the responder to man up and pay my way as a gentleman. When I posted looking for someone to take it slow and actually build a relationship, I did mean it at that time but while I have my own expectations, men do also. Men looking for a relationship really are not looking online…they are looking for something quick, very short -term and easy online and I want to be angry and bash them for that. So I have my expectations, they have theirs and I need to keep online in the box I have placed it in.
No mixing business with pleasure: It is the same as with online….the men I meet online are looking for the ultimate in no strings attached and regardless of the rare butterflies that arise when I see them or kiss them…it is a no go. And if I meet another who I want to be in my bed, spend the night and/or feel the need to suspend financial obligations for…stop me, slap me and take away my internet and laptop. He is completely crazy and wrong for me and I won’t know it until after the damage is done.
Take better care of myself: I cannot alter my facial features and cannot do anything about my height, but I can start doing little things that lead to bigger things. I realize in this health-conscious era men are looking for mates that are at least into preventive maintenance. Men looking for a long term relationship tend to think of their potential mates in the long term also. What issues are likely to arise with a potential person financially, medically, mentally? They wonder how much weight will you gain (especially if you are already heavier or are thin but have no exercise regiment), what health issues are likely to arise as a result of current habits. How well do you handle your money? And this is only the tip of the iceberg…I have been talking about eating healthier and I still want to take the beginner yoga class once I am able to keep it going. I don’t know a lot but I know once you start an exercise routine, it is best to maintain it and I want to be able to do that. I could afford to cut back on smoking and honestly, when I am working, I do not smoke as often…it is only now that I have so much free time that I am going through at least a pack a day. Volunteering is something I think about but more than likely I will do as I have already done…donate to charities and help the random homeless person I come across in my travels. At least it shows I am caring and have compassion.
Happiness: Cuz and I were talking and he kept saying he wanted someone to make him happy…and I have to remember that I am responsible for my happiness. No one can make me happy…they can enhance/complement my happiness but I have to be happy with me first, then I will be able to accept what someone else brings into my life. I do not want to have to be completed or in a relationship where we bring 50/50 to the table. I want both of us to bring 100% in everything and we can work on making a table together with all we both have. Not sure if that came out right but I know exactly what I mean.
Sex: Yes, it is an important part of the relationship and like anything else, both parties should get what they need from you in that regard but if the first thing (sometimes the only thing) a woman is offering is her body…she does not have much more to bring to the table other than what every other woman in the world has. How can anyone stand out if they have nothing different to offer? And if sex is the first thing a man asks about or it’s the only thing he wants to know about….he is not trying to offer you anything but what every other man has. He is not looking for a relationship…he is looking for a wet hole.
Get over the exes: I am actually doing SO much better with that…when asked why I do not have a man, there are no more 3 hour monologues on what the hell happened, there are no more tears and no more hurt. But, I need to get over him even more…in a mental sense. I have blogged before, there is no need for me to know all I do (thinking of airing all the dirty laundry but need to check with the Panel first) but there is a part of my brain (no longer connected to the heart strings) that says I have to listen, I need to know. And I don’t. In all truth, I do not need to know, but a part of me still wants to…it is not to gloat, it si not even for gossip…but a part of me still needs to know what life for him is like without me. I am probably obsessed and have Level 5 stalker tendencies but that is for contemplation another day. Oh, and speaking of exes, do you all know Married Man had MAIL sent to my apartment? Seriously…some insurance papers for coverage of my home, spouse ,and children addressed to Married Man was in my mailbox. I ripped it up and tossed it.
So these are what I managed to pinpoint in my contemplation. I am sure I missed something but it will come to me as I think more about how I can fill the time waiting for the Next Big Thing and acting on the things that will bring about change and self-improvement for me regardless of when or even if I get another shot at the merry-go-round of love.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…..enjoy your day!