Crazy Train

It’s Sunday…I once blogged Sunday is my favorite day of the week and it still is. Quiet, lazy, restful…I slept in and now watching football. After the roller coaster week I just had (rather, we just had…you readers and some of my Panel members were right there with me), quiet is good. I have done a lot of thinking this weekend and before I write another word, I have to thank so many people.

First, I want to thank the readers who come back time after time…with all the drama, the back and forths, the sheer insanity that is my personal life…you guys come back for whatever reason and offer advice, suggestions and encouragement. I so appreciate that…more than words can say .Stick with me…one day I will get it right. One day.

My Panel…I have no idea where I would be without you guys. I mean that. It is so easy to be friends with someone when things are great or there is a little rain in the forecast but I always, always, always come with a brand new kind of crazy and fiascoes that are fast moving and inflict major damage….and you guys are there to batten down the hatches and help me put things back in order. With the AFO Incident… Weekend Phone Friend (first on the scene for this particular drama). Morning Person, UTA, Cuz, Chef, Girlfriend, Artsy-Craftsy, Mini-Me,  New Mommy, Oscar, Tiger and even Sister Someone/Brother Everything sprang into action with tons of understanding, no harsh words, advice, ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. Special shout out to Girlfriend for not only listening  and date night, but for having a drink for me Friday night. She says I totally enjoyed it.

So by the time date night came around, I was resigned to the fact that I had made another bad choice…I vented a little about it with Girlfriend but pretty much I had captured her attention with behind the blog sex stuff I indulged in with AFO. She caught me up with her drama (all while we ate yummy cheeseburgers and crabcakes) and we went to see Celeste and Jesse Forever…perfect movie for two women wondering what the hell is wrong with men today and more than perfect for me in that it talked about growing up, letting go and moving on. (I have a lot of growing up and letting go and moving on to do) I was no longer feeling sorry for myself and no longer angry or disappointed with myself or AFO…we are who we are and even though I tried again, it just was not meant to be. And then I came home….

I walked through my door and decided to check my voice mails and emails (really thought my mommy and maybe Chef and/or Cuz would be the voice mails on the phone) and was floored when the voice mails were from AFO and there was an email from him also. Not sure what I was expecting but an apology and an explanation for his disappearing game on Thursday was not it. Yet, there it was along with him reiterating that he was sincere and serious about all we talked about; the voice mail asked me to call him no matter what time I got in. When I called him, he answered on the first ring and once again got into apologies and explanations, He would love to see me but we both agreed it was too late (I got home at midnight) and with his early start in the morning, it simply would not be productive. I asked about his Thursday evening spent with the fellas and football at the sports bar, he asked about dinner and the movies. I said I would miss him and he was quiet (again) but then he said “me too…can we not talk about not being able to see each other right now?” I asked what were we doing…he said he wanted to build on our connection. Of course it would have to go slowly given we are at least a thousand miles apart, but we could see what happened. He suggested seeing how communications went once he left (he said it would not be an everyday thing on his end given his hours and trying to learn a new job but it would not be sporadic nor non-existent) and taking it one step at a time.

The phone conversation was bittersweet…he was saying everything I wanted to hear and I could see the expectations lining themselves up…but he was saying them when in less than six hours he was headed back to his reality and who knows who or what is waiting for him on the Gulf Coast? But, I was filled with more hope and excitement than I have had in a long time: a guy who I really liked at least liked me enough to try and make something work out with me. He was the one throwing out words like relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend (scary that he is saying them…scarier that I am repeating them)…hell, even Him and I just kind of fell into a relationship. And I agreed to try….it may be the wrong move but what if it is the right one? What if this time the what if is not followed by anything negative? What if, despite the incredibly unorthodox and completely bumpy start, we can make something work? I want to find out.

So then I had to tell the Panel that the Crazy Train could possibly be put back in service and to get their opinions/advice. Morning Person is in agreement for two reasons: first, she already knows once I make up my mind to go for it, I am going for it. Secondly, she really wants to see where this could lead. Girlfriend is already on board and has claimed the job of being my official drinker…she is willing to drink as many beers and mixed drinks it will take to get me through this. Mini-Me is grudgingly climbing aboard as she feels the man is using me to achieve a selfish agenda. A part of me agrees with her but  I cannot fathom anyone offering a relationship just for free sex…and infrequent sex at that. But then again, he’s a man, so who knows? Tiger is ready to roll and Artsy-Craftsy is still miffed at all the incredibly unbelievable actions but she is ready to board and give up just one more chance since AFO did do things somewhat differently this time. New Mommy says she is ready because what do we have to lose? Either he keeps up his end of the bargain or he doesn’t. UTA kinda doesn’t know yet that I decided to jump onboard, but I am sure she will come along for the ride…I have a strong, sneaking suspicion how the trip will end (I have fire extinguishers, seat belts, oxygen masks and snacks for everyone’s safety and comfort) but who doesn’t want to see how it (re) starts? Cuz however has stated he is NOT riding the train and Chef says if Cuz doesn’t go, he isn’t going…and that is not working for me. Cuz is my conductor and someone has to serve up those snacks…someone whose name is Chef is appropriate. Pretty much everyone is riding the train (I have to let the other members know that we are gearing up for a trip) so stock up on aspirins and medications. I may have a boyfriend and we shall all delight and be happy in my delusion for at least one minute.

Of course, I am mindful of lots of things: we are both issue-laden, it would be a long distance relationship, I still have online ads and he still has some woman’s panties he sniffs once a week. In spite of the hope and excitement, I am working on tabling the expectations…he has already shown me once that out of sight, out of mind is more than a saying and he may just wish to maintain a connection versus actually building on it but only time will tell. I sent AFO an email over the weekend…it was chatty and pleasant without mentioning commitment or putting him on the spot…I figure if he is sincere, he will mention those things. Besides no need in coming across as needy, clingy or desperate (all of which I am quite capable of, by the way) right out the gate. And the train makes not one move forward until we hear from him and even then, there are at least two factors to consider: how long it takes to respond and what he says in the response. Who knows…we may be all dolled up with nowhere to go but again, time will tell. In the meantime, we will all lead and live our lives as we usually do. I refuse to stay stuck this time around.

I am going to end this post with (even more) song lyrics by an underground artist named Ish from her song Superhero: “So you want access inside this mess…you want to see the beauty and the pain. Do you really want to ride this train? The next stop is insane…” As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!






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