“Inside you know a heart fooled of hope…. to hold on for love hurts me, it’s slow
One word’s enough, one word this time….it never comes”
Yes, more song lyrics…these are from Cary Brothers and the song is called All the Rage…it is hauntingly beautiful and all I am in the mood for as I deal with the consequences of my choices. The monster is out of the closet. (That didn’t take long, did it?) It did not come jumping out, yelling and shrieking with claws and fangs. Nope, it very quietly opened the door, slapped me hard across the face and walked out. It stings, but really who can I blame but me?
*Fair warning: long, convoluted and analytical post ahead…if you are sticking with it, grab snacks and the I told you so flash cards*
So Thursday, AFO was a no-show and that is not what I am angry about. I knew there was a chance he would not be able to make it over as he had work/classes/meetings early the following morning. We had discussed that possibility and I had already said my goodbyes the day before so I was more than ready to settle in for Big Brother and some chocolate and enjoy an evening alone. No, I am pissed off that already…after three great days, two of which were filled with intimacy, sex and revelations…not to mention the man still being in town..I am back to being ignored. Completely. I heard not one word from AFO…not when I called to make sure he was up and ready for his day of meetings and classes, not when he got home and definitely not before the football game. He did not respond to my email and I know he heard the phone ringing if he wasn’t online to check messages. I honestly have no idea just how much more low maintenance I can be for a man…you don’t even have to come see me, but can you at least answer my phone calls? And again, that is on me…just look at who I am holding the slightest expectation for: a younger, more emotionally unavailable version of Him.
The disconnect has begun and I am feeling so many things at once it is as if I am feeling nothing at all. I am suspended in emotional limbo and already my girls (especially Morning Person and Artsy-Craftsy) are telling me not to beat up on myself but who else is to blame for this fiasco? Hell, on Sunday I wrote 3 blog posts and ended each one with why I was not going to subject myself to this bullshit again…how I wanted and deserved more. Yet, here we are. Again.
The guys (Cuz and Tiger) want to make excuses and say maybe he had to leave earlier than expected or maybe the phone was on vibrate; maybe the man has separation issues and in his efforts to just not deal with not being able to see me, he just says nothing at all…selfish as hell and hard on me, but this is just what he does. I just want to say: STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! Do NOT make excuses for the man…he is fully aware that I called and he chose to deliberately ignore me. I am incredibly disappointed in AFO, but really…the man showed me and the Panel who he was not only the last time we tried this but also when he returned this time, and did it all with no apology. He SHOWED me that shit had not changed…I was just hoping I could be the one to change him.
Of course, he is not completely off the hook…he lied (SHOCKER) and led me on with talk of being sincere and relationships and this has me so angry I want the bullets for my gun…Panel members are all acting as if they don’t where they are, but I know they hid them. Morning Person says to put the man behind us…shooting AFO would just keep the man in the forefront. I say shooting the man will put him beneath us and will solve a ton of problems in the process; no need to worry about meeting with AFO next time he comes to town….he won’t be visiting any longer. No worries about jobs or rent…the state will be taking care of my housing and medical care. As for a relationship…I have me hooking up with a chick named Big Shirley once I get to prison and we shall be incredibly happy and she will shower me with attention and protection.
I am very angry with myself…I got got by the same mofo within 60 days. I ignored everything that was right in my face, I allowed myself to be lied to and led on and now…I am right back in the same position I JUST got out of. This is bullshit. This is ridiculous. This is me with men. Yet, I am expecting something different from a man who said out of his own mouth he had NO idea who I was, despite me being so special and the one who does such incredible things to and for him. New Mommy figuratively held me, rocked me and smoothed my hair back while telling me that it’s okay (no it isn’t)….we decided to give a person we felt something for another chance. It’s better to know for certain than to wonder what if and yes, it is the second time he has played the same game but there does not have to be another time. First time..shame on you, second time…shame on me. There can be no third time because we aren’t taking the shame or the blame any longer.
She’s right.. I cannot deal with him on any level because I like him too much. Arrangements do not work with us because it is not a boundary nor a barrier. For me, because I like him so much and apparently cannot see through his bullshit…I still want strings and exclusivity (at least on his end) and happy endings that are not of a sexual nature. On his end, the generosity negates any obligation on his part to end things properly and excuses all types of behaviors. I can accept that our time is limited, I can accept that he will returning to his life on the Gulf Coast, but I cannot accept that he can never say goodbye. Just one word…that never comes. He says all these great things, makes me feel so wonderful and special and he lifts me up to these great heights for an extremely short period of time (3 days to be exact)…only to throw me over the side and however I land, I land. I cannot keep dealing with that or allowing him to disrupt what I have managed to build up in the past two years. It isn’t a lot but I do have some happiness, some peace and levels of self-everythings are rising but nothing is where I would like it to be.
It’s like Morning Person says…we repeat the lessons life sends us until we get them right. AFO was my test and I failed miserably. I am still looking for Him or a reasonable facsimile, I am still too ready to toss caution to the wind for short term happiness (resulting in long term pain) and I am still ready to accept substandard treatment and make excuses for it. Oh, yes…failing miserably and while it seems I am beating up on myself (I guess I am) I view it more as owning my role in this with no excuses…I was not blinded, I knew the man was a liar and an opportunist and I willingly took him back for reasons that run deeper than I like him…and I have no idea what the underlying reasons are.
So I am going out tonight with Girlfriend (we have our date night!) and this weekend I will sleep, think and maybe even cry. Next week we will talk about politics, football, why leaves change colors, why steak & cheese subs don’t help with weight loss…anything at all except this shit. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!