I don’t even know where to start this post…it is another Air Force Officer post so you know it will be long, truthful and possibly graphic. You know, between Married Man and Him, I have learned a lot of lessons which I keep saying I will apply to the next person. Well, AFO was the next person and I did not apply one single thing. Hell, even in the face of being ignored, forgotten and blatantly lied to…I still took the man back and justified it by saying I got paid. We lie best when we lie to ourselves…I took him back because I wanted him back. I was willing to take all the bad just to have a chance at a little more of what was good. The man brings out the stupid in me. Big time, but you know what? Being with him (when he is sane and not protecting his emotional fortresses) makes me happy and no one said that happiness with another is supposed to be long term…I will take the short term while it is here for the taking.
I guess I will start with Tuesday night….I had gone out to dinner and when I got back, there was an email for him hoping I had a good time at dinner and to give him a call. I called, we exchanged maybe three sentences (he said he was :hanging out” which I took to mean he was either at a strip club or laying naked in bed with another woman) when I was distracted by my neighbor so I told him I would call him back. Within three minutes he had sent an email asking what he did wrong, why am I sending him mixed signals and to please contact him as soon as I was able. Well, sending an email that quick shot my theories of strippers and sex all to hell and once I was alone, I did call him back. I told him my neighbor had come over unexpectedly and since he was hanging out, no need in distracting him from what he was doing….his response was hanging out meant he was alone in his room watching TV. And that statement right there changed my perspective of him…just a tad.
Single men who indulge regularly in strip clubs and online ads are not sitting alone in a hotel room emailing just to say hello and see how your day went. Also, did I tell you all the man has NO game at all? When were in bed, doing things that naked adults do in bed, I got to talking dirty and asked him why he wanted me. His response was :”I’m a guy and this is what we do.” All I could do was laugh…I told him it was okay to role-play…we were in our own little alternate reality. I learned a loooong time ago to never try and transfer pillow talk (and any declarations of love and caring made during the performance of sexual acts) into the real world. But it wasn’t fear holding him back…he really had no clue. Also I am a huge fan of dirty name calling when having sex and while AFO allowed me to call him things like “my little slut” (I swear, every time I touch him his legs fall open) or a “pretty bitch” (especially appropriate when I had him sucking the dildo) …he would never call me anything but my name. Maybe it is me trying to justify things but to me, a man looking for quick, dirty sex (and for free), a man who spends all his time surrounding himself with strippers and netscorts (online escorts) would not have an issue calling a woman he totally forgot about dirty names in bed. I think the man is lonely and awkward when it comes to women…and please note that this does not in any way negate the fact that he is butt-fuck crazy.
So we made plans to meet up the next day…I would metro to the station closest to where he was staying and he would meet me there at 10:30am. I was slightly excited to be going to “his place” but also a little put out. I would actually have to get dressed and travel but I thought it somewhat amusing when he said in a small way, it is taking our relationship to the next level. He was bringing me into his environment, not everyone was invited to share his space. Besides, not only were we spending “day” time together, we were spending that all-important mid-day time together. So this is why all my previous relationships failed….lack of quality, mid-day time spent together. Of course, I pictured him bringing me in some back entrance, hauling me aboard a service elevator used by laundry and cleaning people so no one would see me. I envisioned the end of what was possibly our last day together resulting in a trashed hotel room complete with small fires, both of us looking as if we have been wrestling wild alligators yet still having desperate and kinky sex. But the entire day did not go the way I thought it would…of course I was late (I am always late for everything), but he did not fuss or yell, although he did tease me about it. He was waiting patiently in the car, reading a book and just glad I had not stood him up. We got lost because he refused to take the route we were both familiar with due to horrible traffic and I had to be a productive passenger and hold the GPS device. We talked and laughed and held each other’s free hand during the drive.
We got to the hotel and held hands walking across the parking lot and up the stairs to his room. He ordered lunch (pizza and pepsis) and I put the snack I had bought him (I split my doggy bag from dinner with him) in the fridge. We talked about anything and everything…I found out he is a college grad, he has no middle name, is not a fan of reality TV but will watch Big Brother with me just because it means spending time with me, his father died while he was on tour in Iraq and he likes plain M&Ms. His favorite pizza is Hawaiian with extra cheese and he is a huge Chicago Bears fans and I am not allowed to root for the Packers…at all. Ever. I told him my hair looked crappy and he said nothing…I repeated myself. He asked was that his cue to say something? I told THAT right THERE is why he is not in a relationship.
You know, one thing about this guy is that I am okay with him seeing me not perfect, or seeing my place not perfect. He has seen me cook, wash dishes, unshowered, and most importantly…first thing in the morning with crust in my eyes and morning breath. He has slept with me and I am sure I have told you all I let loose with all sorts of bodily functions when I am asleep. And still he comes back. He has seen my bathroom trashcan filled with empty tampon tubes and I have taken my wigs off my head right in front of his face and tied my doo-rag around my natural hair while he watches. With AFO, I just feel I can be me without all the bells and whistles. While sex with AFO is extremely kinky (Him has been knocked into 2nd place in that regard), it does not have the passion I had with Him…sex with AFO is more…comfortable and natural if that makes sense. AFO may not know what to say and I see him struggling to climb over emotional walls at times, but when I am with him…I just feel like nothing is forced and I feel sexy and wonderful and that I am an amazing lover because he so appreciative of my efforts. Cuddling is not something he does often at all, but he says with me…he could do it forever.
The day was perfect…well, for us it was. We had lots and lots of hot, kinky sex (he says I am insatiable but he is the one who wants more and more of what I have to offer. I swear, I wonder if he is 38 or 18), I enjoyed the conversations and he even watched Maury with me. Okay… I don’t have to be perfect, and he will watch Big Brother AND Maury? Almost a keeper…but I kept the warnings and admonishments of my Panel in mind…I remembered what happened before and while I enjoyed myself immensely and I am glad that for whatever reason, AFO and I were together again even if for a little while…I could have enjoyed myself more if I wasn’t waiting for the monster to jump out of the closet. He suggested if his schedule allowed that maybe he could come to my place Thursday to watch the game and do laundry…Girlfriend said this was proof positive that we were in a relationship! All I can do is laugh because readers…it does feel like he is my boyfriend. It does feel like a relationship and I am so scared and angry because I don’t want him to hurt me again, and I don’t want to be here in the Mid-Atlantic while he is on the Gulf Coast. I want him here so we can be together and see what we could have if we both went offline, if we spent Sundays watching football, if we could share each other’s spaces for more than a few hours at a time. But we can’t, and I have no choice but to accept that.
Goodbyes are never easy, especially when you have done them before. It feels as if my world is spinning out of control a little bit because he caught me off guard this time around…we were not even supposed to be meeting, especially twice and there was not supposed to be fun and feeling like this could lead somewhere. He was supposed to be disconnected and I was supposed to be cold and distant. But since the day had been so perfect, and his plans for Thursday may not come to fruition, I decided to say my goodbyes before I left the car. On the ride back to the metro, I told him I would miss him when he left and to please, please not forget me this time around. He stared straight ahead, but reached out, grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. He said that we would be in regular contact with each other, and with his new position he may be here in DC more often. I told him I really liked him and wished him happiness, luck and success. He hugged me and kissed me and said he would call or email later…and he did. So now, today is Thursday…he is in class and I am sitting here at war with myself. A part of me hopes against hope that he will come over this evening…I could wear my Packers tee shirt and we could trash talk each other. He can sit between my legs and massage my feet while laying his head against my thigh while I run my fingers through his hair. He could spend the night and leave early enough for meetings/class and that could be our perfect goodbye. The other part of me wants yesterday to be the last day…I cannot take another day of crazy, another fucked up last day where I am missing him for all the wrong reasons instead of the right ones. Who knows what will happen? The ball is in his court and I am not going to force anything to happen. All I can say is if the next post is about football or politics, you know he didn’t show up.
Readers, THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for staying with me during the AFO Incident…Panel, I owe you guys BIG TIME…Chef is treating all of you to Starbucks on my behalf. I know I am a hot mess but I am trying to get better. I really am…it is just my brains are in my heart (and probably even further south than that) right now. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!