Impatience


Fair warning…this post is a rambling, random hot mess. It’s just thoughts and feelings and while it more than likely won’t make sense to anyone but me and the few that can (or are willing to admit they can) relate, I can no longer carry it around and want it off me. Not asking anyone to pick it up but if you can offer insights or suggestions…please do.

Why do we settle? We tell ourselves, our friends and family tell us how beautiful, strong, smart and intelligent we are. We do believe ourselves and others when they tell us this, right? Yet, if actions speak louder than words…we don’t believe it and everyone is lying to us, ourselves included. So many of us settle for being the other woman, a baby mama or even the one night stand/every once in awhile booty call because we cannot believe that we ARE deserving and worthy of so much more.

Is it impatience? Do we hear the ticking of biological clocks, do we view the passing of years as time running out versus time spent improving and becoming more experienced? So many of us view ourselves as getting older, but I say nothing gets older but money and food. I have said it before and will say it again (often): I am old enough to know better but still young enough to do it anyway…and while I won’t be the one to skydive, bungee jump or hike incredible mountain trails…I can be the one for a stroll along the waterfront, to feed you hot chicken soup when you are sick and I can help make everything okay (or at least tell you they will be).

Could it be because people are sending such mixed signals? More often than not, you will hear it is women being sneaky and trying to trap a man but since I do not play games and am not seeking an alternative lifestyle, I can only speak on my experience with men. I find it is men who are either hellbent on following their own agenda, greedy and selfish (I think Married Man falls into both of those categories)  or they are truly confused. Him and Brother Everything are perfect examples of being confused and sending mixed signals. Him swore he wanted a woman he could have intelligent conversations with, who could cook, clean and have marketable skills that would allow her to maintain employment. He wanted a woman who did not mind and actually could be domestic to share with cooking, cleaning and laundry; a woman who was still sexual and open-minded when it came to that. A woman with no children.  And he had that in me…yet, he is now married to another with three children and who I swear cannot check off one of the boxes on his checklist. Brother Everything (who is lazy as fuck) cannot cook and hates to clean…yet he is now engaged to a woman who is okay with piles of dirty laundry and molded toilet seats and whose idea of dinner is McDonalds, Stouffers and Marie Callender. In fact, Brother Everything is in a brand new category…the man wants a woman who will bake (or buy) his cake, slice it for him and feed it to him while he swigs back beers and watches sports on TV.

So what am I as a good, decent SINGLE women supposed to do? A woman who is clean and keeps a clean house. A woman who can cook, and is caring, loving and kind. Who believes in building her man up versus breaking him down. A woman who takes care in her appearance (size/weight has nothing to do with that) and is mindful not only in what she brings to the table but also HOW she brings it to the table. Isn’t this what men say they want?  Would they want me if I were packaged differently and would I want a man who bases his entire relationship on my physical attributes? Maybe I should become a  bitch and/or a gold digger out only for myself and use sex as a weapon because it seems these are the women who are married or in long term relationships and I find myself as either the good time girl or the other woman.

I do not get the vacations, the presents (unexpected or otherwise)….hell, I cannot even get commitment. I get excuses (sometimes), apologies (rare and usually followed by hurtful comments) and generally left on the sidelines despite being all the wonderful things guys want. Even Reliable One who says I am his dream woman and all he has ever hoped for is taking another woman on a week-long vacation to Antigua and while I am trying not to be jealous as he does come through for me with what I need when I need it…I am still like…REALLY? Is it me or is it them (men)? And maybe this is why I am willing to settle…not because I feel time is running out but because I keep doing everything right and I keep getting the wrong results. Maybe I DO need to become a selfish, self-centered bitch because we all know the sayings: to do the same thing over and over while expecting  different results is insanity and my personal favorite: keep doing what you do and you will keep getting what you get. So do I change who I am to attract a man who will shower me with all the good parts of a relationship and offer me commitment or do I stay true to myself and more than likely alone as no one recognizes or appreciates who I am? I have no idea. All I know is sometimes….it would be awesome to have someone to do dinner and movies with on a Friday night, catch a Saturday breakfast/brunch with and to know that someone thinks I am wonderful, incredible and the best thing ever.

No, it is not a pity party…I am just totally confused, a bit frustrated and like anyone else…I want someone in my life who is stable, somewhat sane and who is in love with, cares for and wants to be with me. I realize I may not be ready yet but can a sista get a preview, or an option or two?

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and bearing with me) and as usual….enjoy your day!

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