Brand New Crazy

It has finally happened and I am not surprised. With all the craziness and drama that has been a part of my life for what seems like forever, it is only natural that growth and change (NOT for the better) would occur and a brand new type of crazy would not only come to town, but look me up (probably based on glowing recommendations from the old crazy) and try to BFF me. It does not involve Him…honestly, him was never crazy, just incredibly delusional and stupid. Now he has descended to being desperate and sad and I am so ready to spill beans on ALL of that but Artsy-Craftsy is the holdup on that. Blame her. It does not involve AFO (he is officially the Pretend Ex-Boyfriend) although on a side note, Chef has now jumped on the white cotton sock fetish bandwagon. I don’t even want to know but I am sure I will find out exactly how and why that transpired.

The brand new crazy seems to involve everything else though and below are just a few instances of what I have been subjected to this week….and may I just say that Grey’s Anatomy should be on this list just for killing off both Lexie AND McSteamy.

Sister Someone: She is only still around because every once in awhile Bell Pepper (her BFF) breaks through to her and she is not quite the thoughtless bitch she normally is…besides, she is a witness to an instance of brand new crazy and I may need her testimony soon. But on to her bout of BNC (brand new crazy)….you guys know she bought her own ring, proposed to herself and had hired a wedding planner within 4 hours of saying yes. You may not know she has a wedding date of May 18, 2013 and the chick has taken two days off work to go get her marriage license! As usual, she had my mouth hanging open and when I asked her why she was going for the license 7 months before the wedding date, she replied that Brother Everything was acting as if he may change his mind and she had to strike fast. Seriously, this chick can elevate crazy to brand new heights…no long talks, no sharing of fears…getting the marriage license so he is stuck with her and her child, which is still not a guarantee. The marriage license does not mean they are married…the license still needs to be signed by a Justice of the Peace or a religious clergyperson and validated by the appropriate government agency. Trapping versus talking…never thought of that approach to get and maintain a relationship….this is why I am single and she isn’t. (insert heavy sarcasm)

 Stupid Ass Men: Surprisingly it is not the online men this time although there is the 50 year old military man who seems to think generosity is an option (it’s not) and that I am supposed to send all the pictures. I have pictures in my ad and any further pictures of me are in exchange for his…those exact words are IN the ad. Scary that a man who cannot read is qualified to protect our country. And right now, as I type I have some dude who seems to think a change in his plans means a change in my plans and that his boredom is my problem. He’ll be okay.

No, the BNC came in the real world…first up is the dude on the metro. The train was packed with folks and I was standing in front of a dude who was sitting. Not sure why dude didn’t take his meds that morning but he leans over as if he is going to tie his shoe or something and he grabs the hem of my dress and is SNIFFING the material and then proceeds to RUB it all over his face. I snatched my dress away and told him to move. He apologized profusely and got off maybe two stops later. Then that evening, I was yelled at by some crazy homeless man who told me I was a fat, stinky, WHITE motherfucker and he hoped my cigarette choked me, gave me cancer and I died. I didn’t say anything…obviously the man was off his meds and had been for some time…the bus came and I boarded. At the next stop, the SAME DUDE boarded and picked up his tirade exactly where he left off. THAT is when I  told him to keep talking shit and he would be the one dying. Really, no way can I let you insult me twice in the same day.

The Piece de Resistance: If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know I always say I want to work. I lied. I do not miss working…I miss steady income and socializing. I started the short term temp assignment this week and words fail me. This assignment and the people there defy explanation. All I know is it is making me everything I am not. If you know me, you know I am a smoker, I am tardy and I like to smell pretty….I was none of that this week. Below are highlights because to tell you everything would turn this post from a short story to a freaking novel.

  • So I was warned that the manager at the assignment was a stickler for professional dress and punctuality…they did not tell me her control issues have driven her batshit crazy. First up: dress/attire. You MUST wear a suit jacket Monday-Thursday. Not a cardigan, not a vest…a suit jacket. Fridays you can go sans jacket but the sleeves on your blouse/dress must reach at least your elbows. No miniskirts or short dresses…pants and maxi skirts/dresses are the norm. Now the punctuality…first day, I was there at 8:31 and was told I was late. Second day, I got there at 8:28 and was told I was “cutting it close”. Third day, got there at 8:24 and the office was pitch black and locked up tight. I refused to move for anything because while no will notice I am early/on time..they will notice if I am late. And 8:31 is late.
  • Internet usage is highly discouraged…to the point there are no keyboards. Just monitors and mice. I am not allowed to read anything at all at this location…no newspapers, no magazines, no books. I think I have the phone list memorized at this point. Since there is absolutely nothing to stimulate my brain (one of the employees has started having conversations with me though), I fall asleep. Constantly. And once in front of the manager who did not even notice.
  • On the day I was early (that has not happened in about 5 years), after I got settled I told the person training me I was going to smoke a cigarette and grab bagel. No problem. When I return, the manager is raising holy hell and had actually called her HR manager. How DARE I take a 15 minute break and for a cigarette and bagel? She can give me two 10 minute smoke breaks and I need to eat before I get there or get there earlier….I told her there was no need in coming any earlier as I could not get in.
  • That same day, I get a call from the temp agency (first time EVER having an assignment call the agency on me) …apparently people in the office are allergic to perfume so it was asked I tone it down or better…refrain altogether. I agreed for two reasons: first being the word “allergic” being used. Allergies are not what they used to be (they are affecting people in worse ways) and I have sympathy for allergies. Second, it is just a temp job (at this point I am counting down the days) and I know I am clean and pretty, but I did find it odd they were allergic to the perfume but no one said a word about the cigarette smoke. So the next day, I am fragrance free and got FUSSED at for taking it so seriously.
  • There is a client in the office who walks past the front desk 18,000 times a day, and I speak to him. Nothing serious or sexual…how was lunch? Hitting the gym today? What did you bring me back from CVS? You know, superficial small talk…and he told me to STOP talking to him. I was a little miffed, but this is BNC so I told him no problem…and what does HE do? As soon as I stop speaking, he is hanging at the front desk all day long making conversation. I sense a set up and am not saying one word to his ass.
  • My assignment is directly across the street from Sister Someone’s office so we had been planning to meet for lunch. I call her maybe the second day and left her a message to let me know if we were still on…when SS returns the call, one of the employees answers the phone and refers to me as the “tall girl temp” in a serious SE DC dialect. SS says she does not know what my height or position has to do with inquiring if I were in the office or not, and the employee hung up on her.
  • Friday was the worst day…I wore black cotton weave pants that had a tribal print in a taupe/nude color. I was told they could see my skin AND my black thongs…I do not wear thongs at all, black or otherwise. I was told I was inappropriate, it was evident that I had never worked in a truly professional office and I may be sent home. Frankly, I was hopeful I would be but no such luck. Then the manager and an employee got into a screaming match in the reception area over the employee’s attire and her wanting to run the show (I am LOVING this “truly professional” office) and the HR manager was called in from HQ, 35 miles away.

I cannot write anymore about the assignment…it is draining and exhausting and all I want is to see October 3rd roll around. So this is what I have been up to this week…I am hoping BNC does not decide to stay around. I am trying to decompress from what it has brought me this week. I have eaten some leftover Chinese food, and now about to go get some cigarettes, listen to some Ben Howard and some Milo Green. Tomorrow I plan to do laundry, watch football (blog post coming soon!) and catch the season premieres of Once Upon a Time and Homeland.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

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Weaving My Own Web

It has been a pretty productive week…I went to training for the assignment which starts Monday, and I was treated like a 3 year old retard. They actually said in order to answer the phone, you have to pick it up first. I am just like…really? Am I wearing the stupid look I reserve for the men I sleep with? I understand that you may not realize I have admin/computer skills, but given I have worked at two  of your other locations…it is safe to presume I know how to at least answer a phone. I got the laundry done completely (washed dried put away/folded) although already it is starting to build up again, I cleaned my carpet somewhat (I swear it looks so dirty and discolored to me, I used scrubbing bubbles AND carpet cleaner)… as long as I keep the lighting dim, it looks fine. Guardian Princes and I assembled my brand new old lady cart (folding shopping cart) and I also went and visited with Baby Mama.

We had a GREAT time watching TV, talking, laughing and eating steak and cheese subs.  She tried her new hair on and loved it and while we were doing hair makeovers,  she asked me a question…mind you, Baby Mama is married to a great guy but she has not forgotten what the dating pool was like and says all the time, she finally  lucked up instead of getting fucked over. But after hearing all about the latest with him and AFO, she asked a question: why do men always give the NEXT woman all the things they could not give you? Why is the next chick the one to get marriage proposals, vacations, quality time, etc? What makes a woman such as myself (good, decent, caring, clean, blahblahblah) a playmate and why is the next woman the soulmate?

Baby Mama framed the question in the most general of terms, but I took the question personally, yet not in a bad way. The question pointed out something I had seen but never realized and I wanted answers to it. I mean, we all know when it comes to the  men I fall for, I exhibit a level of stupidity unheard of and I have to agree with Artsy Craftsy….they are getting worse and worse as far as their mental and emotional stability. But aside from poor judgment, what makes me the jump off chick? What do I do or not do that makes me the one left behind? I decided to objectively break down the last three relationships (if you can call them that) and see where I went wrong (other than choosing these fools) and to figure out why I keep making the same mistakes.

Married Man: This one is pretty easy to figure out…I met Married Man while I was still in addiction (he swears we met before then  when I was running around with First Love but my brain was muddled, confused and filled with black holes which swallowed memories whole), which means I had no esteem, confidence or common sense. He showered me with affection and attention (actually not a lot of either…for the first three years, our together time was spent while he was driving a metrobus) and viewed me as a who, not a what. I put up with a lot of shit simply because I had no sense of self-worth. I had no job, my looks were shot (15 years of drug addiction, rapes/beating and homelessness will do that to you)  and I was dealing with TONS of unresolved emotional and mental issues. I simply felt that Married Man was the only option out there for me. I overlooked and excused his disrespect of his wife, the irresponsibility of fathering 7 children out of wedlock and the fact that his libido ruled his life to the point he lost his job three separate times.(Metro has one hell of a union) I put up with disrespect and treatments, he bullied me, I abused him physically and let the relationship run a good 5 years too long because I felt not only could I not do better, I did not deserve better.

Him:  Point blank, I fed into my own delusions. The man told me on more than one occasion he had no idea what he was searching for, I deserved better than him and him said out of his own mouth that he was not worth the efforts I was exerting. However, in my happily ever after mindset I heard him all wrong. No idea what he wanted became: if I show him what I have to offer, him will want me. Me deserving better became: him has self-esteem issues and all him needs is the love of a good woman. Him saying him was not worth my efforts became: this is why he does not exert too much effort when it comes to me….the man fears my rejection and wants to give me the option of leaving him now versus later after his guard has been let down. After the hell that was Married Man, it felt good to be with a man who was single, who could host and did not watch cartoons. However, the man was still hung up emotionally on so many other women, I think I got lost in the crowd. Certainly, I was never a priority for him and somewhere along the line, I no longer became an option. It did not/does not help that I knew everything…even today, I am willing to wager I know more about his personal life than even BTH knows (including present day drama). Most he told, some I found out and the rest…he tells/shows everyone else knowing it will make its way back to me. Looking back, I think he knew all along what he wanted/desired and knew I could not give it to him but because I treated him with so much love, caring and kindness…he never told me until it was too late because who will let go of a good thing until what they think is a better thing comes along? The man is stupid, but not that stupid.

AFO: Not one word in one week, despite two chatty, pleasant emails…I am going to break free of the delusional mist for a minute and say this: AFO’s silence speaks for him. The military may be a brand new animal, but every animal can speak. Maybe I have once again been erased from his memory banks…who knows?  Again, not sure how much more low maintenance a bitch can get over here but please believe me when I tell you I still have levels of self-esteem so low that whatever crumbs I am thrown, any attention I am given…I can work with it. I have excuses, justifications and rationalizations to spare and I am the official giver of 4,000 second chances…which means dude still has a good 3,998 to go. I am willing to run head first into the train wreck but I cannot do it alone; I am flattered and appreciative of the efforts he puts forth when he is here in DC…and if the relationship exists only here in DC, I can deal with that also.  But actions have to put forth …just as a car cannot run off fumes, this  Crazy Train needs some type of coal or wood to put on the fire, and  it seems AFO cannot do that.  Twice he has shown me who he is…first time he went crazy, second time he lied, Point blank. So now here is the part where I announce an official Fuck You to AFO and tell him there are other, crazier passengers somewhere out there who will be more than happy to ride, create unnecessary drama on a consistent basis and cause me to have legitimate, explainable emotional meltdowns. But that would be a lie and I know it and my Panel knows it. I’m curious, masochistic, deeply in like and frankly I have to give the man credit: he is showing me the monster beneath the mask up front. At least I am utilizing some of the lessons learned and tabling expectations big time this time around.

So to me, it seems I really did not answer my question(s) but there was some insight there. Maybe my luck with men cannot be fully blamed on them…I know they are crazier than authentic West Indies batshit when I meet/get to know them; maybe with Married Man I did not know better but by the time him came along, I did. I ignored the signs and mixed signals of that relationship because I was in love and love is supposed to have a happy ending. I did get too deeply involved and lost myself in him and what could be, but today I am smarter and stronger. It is no longer a question of what is wrong with me…what is wrong with him that he could not see what was right in front of him? With AFO, I know I am being stupid and foolish but I am being smarter about it if that makes any sense at all. I do enjoy him and our time spent together but I have no expectations for anything other than what it was…a pleasant break from both of our realities. Yes, it would have been nice if he actually followed through with actions on his words but he didn’t…nothing I can say or do will change that.

Of course the door is still open for him but others are free to walk through also. I refuse to throw myself into another anything with anyone who is not jumping in with me…I am not going to chase you down and beat you over the head with my crazy. I am not going to be in a relationship alone, buy my own rings and propose to myself.  I no longer have to keep repeating who I am or showing others what I am…you either get it or you don’t. And what you don’t see, another will. Eventually. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the ride and keep the possibilities open.

Hopefully I did not make your head hurt (we only reach for aspirin for Sister Someone). As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

This & That

Okay, so I am super excited right now…I start a short term assignment (10 days) Friday. It was actually supposed to start Monday but since I have not worked for this client in about a month, refresher training was suggested and I readily agreed. I am so ready to get back to work…don’t get me wrong, I immensely enjoy my time off but sometimes it is too much of a good thing. I need to be around new people, I need to be productive outside of the domestic realm and I need a break from my routine. Working will be a great distraction from what is going on (or lack of ) with me…I am going to share with you what is happening in my little corner of the world. It isn’t much and you have probably heard it all before but it is what it is.

Him: That he should still be a topic of conversation is not that bad…after all the man is a derailing train and me and my Panel are all about the drama. No, what is ridiculous is that the man cannot separate the personal from the professional. Maybe I need to backtrack a little…everyone knows I am doing a job search and I have been submitted for a temp to perm position with a national and major insurance company. The powers that be were impressed with my resume but wanted actual references from immediate supervisors, not just names on a piece of paper…so I gave the agency the go ahead to contact my list of people. Him (being a former boss and immediate supervisor) was on the list. I did debate this for a minute (Cuz chewed me a new one for even putting the man on the list) but I decided to be truthful and I remembered him had always said I would never have to worry about him giving me anything but a stellar reference, and him had made this statement and others like it even when we were still at each other’s throats over BTH and his abandonment of me.

Now, seeing as how things turned out between us, I really should have put anyone else at the Island on the reference list, but hey…what had happened was on a personal level and a job reference was professional. I did not email or contact him in any way, shape or form to try and make it personal…the reference request would speak for itself. Except the man never responded to the reference request…he forwarded it to someone else on the Island whom I had never worked for or under….someone not my immediate supervisor. And THAT had me seeing red and achieving high levels of pisstivity. Yes, I got a glowing review from this person but seriously, dude? I don’t understand it…after two years of being broken up, after fucking me over with me not taking some sort of revenge/retaliation and after a full year of me NOT saying one word to him regardless of what has been tossed out there (seriously, no one told us anything…he showed us everything) and finally letting go enough so he can live his happily ever after…he still cannot find 3 minutes and one sentence stating that I am a decent worker? That is not respecting me in the professional sphere and that move was purely personal.  I guess him is so pussy whipped (how does that happen when you aren’t getting any?) that anything involving me (even when I am not involved) is off limits. Maybe him is holding angers/resentments against me, I don’t know. All I know is I long ago gave up hopes for a reconciliation or a friendship with the man but I would like to think as two adults (maturity for both parties is debatable) we could at least be civil about and towards each other but I guess not.

Morning Person had me laughing on the floor when she said she has been trying to tell me since things were good with him that the man was simply perpetuating the fraud of being a man. Him has always been an asshole and a coward who hides behind others and passes the buck. It has just taken me this long to finally see it for myself. Chef apologized for the man’s behavior and while he doesn’t want to say I told you so, he told me so. Artsy-Craftsy is so over him…just another what else can you expect move made by the master of cowardice. Quiet One is not surprised…the man has been off his game and off his rocker since marrying BTH and maybe it is in my best interest him said nothing and passed it on to someone who not only likes me but knows how important it is to have a job nowadays. Sister Someone/Brother Everything can’t believe that the man cannot find one nice thing to say about me but it is on him, not me. As for me, I want to kick his ass, curse him out and beat him with a bat but I am going to just shut up. In fact, I am going to get my pretend AFO boyfriend to kick his ass….my new, pretend  boyfriend who is taller, cuter (lots!), 20 years younger, who has NO need for little blue pills to rise to the occasion and believes in repeat performances all night long.

AFO/Crazy Train: I am going to be truthful with you (and myself)….pretty much I am about 3 emails away from declaring myself in love with AFO. I know…the man could not/did not remember who I was, he admitted to being with other women and sniffing their panties (and confusing me with whoever the panty giver was). We met online under unorthodox circumstances and he has shown me a brand new kind of crazy. But he definitely seemed sincere and remorse about how things re-started between us, he deals with my chromic tardiness without getting angry, he did not do anything that I did not like sexually and was willing to try things that do make me happy and hot, and I don’t know….this time around it was like there was a connection that I would like to think we both felt.

I really do like him which is why I agreed to hop onboard the Crazy Train and so far, all the Panel members are ready to ride with me. Even Cuz agreed to board, be the conductor and then he says he thinks AFO feels the same way I do. (I think he is putting a bandage on the new asshole he ripped me over Him) Quiet One thinks it will be a pleasant ride with not as many bumps as the Him Train had, Buddy wants to know if he can split drinking duties with Girlfriend and New Mommy, Oscar and Sister Someone are wondering if there is a family car on the train. UTA is coming I am sure…no way will she let this train ride without her. So we are all here, ready to go…except the train is not moving. No word from the man as of yet despite two emails. I am not upset or hurt…I tabled the expectations and am still missing him for all the right reasons: the cuddling, the kissing, the random conversations.

Chef, Morning Person and Cuz are letting me know that the man is active military AND an officer…time will be limited, communications when they come may be terse and restrained and definitely the attention we showered each other with when we were together would not be forthcoming via online communications. The military is a brand new animal…I have to be ready to handle that. And I am a little miffed and pouty about that…I can deal with and accept a lot of things with the long distance relationship card but I am with Artsy-Craftsy…I need movement, action and drama. Twiddling my thumbs waiting for an I miss you too email is not going to cut it. Waiting for him to be sent back to DC is not going to cut it…but I like him so I am willing to see what happens.

Of course, until a move is made on his end, I am not going all out. I still have online ads (during one of our arguments I told him I had to keep the ads up…how else will he know how to contact me or a woman built just like me?), I will still live my life the way I have been living it and I can take advantage of the downtime to blog out all my thoughts (good and negative) about the man…if we ever move past the pretend stage, I will no longer be able to tell you guys a whole lot unless he does something super incredibly nice or something incredibly stupid/mean. You cannot blog about the relationship while it is happening…you can blog about it before it begins and after it ends. It is killing me to just sit here and twiddle my thumbs when I am so ready to see where the train could lead us but good things come to those who wait. Or so they say. Maybe I can find someone to fill in the blanks until we are ready to roll. Damn…that was a horrible, slutty thing to say…and I am such a hypocrite. I think it is okay for me to keep seeing dates but he has to be celibate and pining away for me. Maybe I am not even ready for the pretend aspect of it yet.

And that’s it…nothing exciting. Maybe football will be our next topic..for real this time. I have dinner with Reliable One this evening (yes, he is back from his vacation with the other chick and I am going to try really hard not to stab him in the hand with my fork), I need to get a money order to send the IRS a payment (my monthly reminder of Married Man), toss some laundry in and run some errands.  The Big Brother finale is tonight (SO Team Dan) and I also plan to FINALLY go visit Baby Mama tomorrow.  

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day.

Crazy Train

It’s Sunday…I once blogged Sunday is my favorite day of the week and it still is. Quiet, lazy, restful…I slept in and now watching football. After the roller coaster week I just had (rather, we just had…you readers and some of my Panel members were right there with me), quiet is good. I have done a lot of thinking this weekend and before I write another word, I have to thank so many people.

First, I want to thank the readers who come back time after time…with all the drama, the back and forths, the sheer insanity that is my personal life…you guys come back for whatever reason and offer advice, suggestions and encouragement. I so appreciate that…more than words can say .Stick with me…one day I will get it right. One day.

My Panel…I have no idea where I would be without you guys. I mean that. It is so easy to be friends with someone when things are great or there is a little rain in the forecast but I always, always, always come with a brand new kind of crazy and fiascoes that are fast moving and inflict major damage….and you guys are there to batten down the hatches and help me put things back in order. With the AFO Incident… Weekend Phone Friend (first on the scene for this particular drama). Morning Person, UTA, Cuz, Chef, Girlfriend, Artsy-Craftsy, Mini-Me,  New Mommy, Oscar, Tiger and even Sister Someone/Brother Everything sprang into action with tons of understanding, no harsh words, advice, ears to listen and shoulders to cry on. Special shout out to Girlfriend for not only listening  and date night, but for having a drink for me Friday night. She says I totally enjoyed it.

So by the time date night came around, I was resigned to the fact that I had made another bad choice…I vented a little about it with Girlfriend but pretty much I had captured her attention with behind the blog sex stuff I indulged in with AFO. She caught me up with her drama (all while we ate yummy cheeseburgers and crabcakes) and we went to see Celeste and Jesse Forever…perfect movie for two women wondering what the hell is wrong with men today and more than perfect for me in that it talked about growing up, letting go and moving on. (I have a lot of growing up and letting go and moving on to do) I was no longer feeling sorry for myself and no longer angry or disappointed with myself or AFO…we are who we are and even though I tried again, it just was not meant to be. And then I came home….

I walked through my door and decided to check my voice mails and emails (really thought my mommy and maybe Chef and/or Cuz would be the voice mails on the phone) and was floored when the voice mails were from AFO and there was an email from him also. Not sure what I was expecting but an apology and an explanation for his disappearing game on Thursday was not it. Yet, there it was along with him reiterating that he was sincere and serious about all we talked about; the voice mail asked me to call him no matter what time I got in. When I called him, he answered on the first ring and once again got into apologies and explanations, He would love to see me but we both agreed it was too late (I got home at midnight) and with his early start in the morning, it simply would not be productive. I asked about his Thursday evening spent with the fellas and football at the sports bar, he asked about dinner and the movies. I said I would miss him and he was quiet (again) but then he said “me too…can we not talk about not being able to see each other right now?” I asked what were we doing…he said he wanted to build on our connection. Of course it would have to go slowly given we are at least a thousand miles apart, but we could see what happened. He suggested seeing how communications went once he left (he said it would not be an everyday thing on his end given his hours and trying to learn a new job but it would not be sporadic nor non-existent) and taking it one step at a time.

The phone conversation was bittersweet…he was saying everything I wanted to hear and I could see the expectations lining themselves up…but he was saying them when in less than six hours he was headed back to his reality and who knows who or what is waiting for him on the Gulf Coast? But, I was filled with more hope and excitement than I have had in a long time: a guy who I really liked at least liked me enough to try and make something work out with me. He was the one throwing out words like relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend (scary that he is saying them…scarier that I am repeating them)…hell, even Him and I just kind of fell into a relationship. And I agreed to try….it may be the wrong move but what if it is the right one? What if this time the what if is not followed by anything negative? What if, despite the incredibly unorthodox and completely bumpy start, we can make something work? I want to find out.

So then I had to tell the Panel that the Crazy Train could possibly be put back in service and to get their opinions/advice. Morning Person is in agreement for two reasons: first, she already knows once I make up my mind to go for it, I am going for it. Secondly, she really wants to see where this could lead. Girlfriend is already on board and has claimed the job of being my official drinker…she is willing to drink as many beers and mixed drinks it will take to get me through this. Mini-Me is grudgingly climbing aboard as she feels the man is using me to achieve a selfish agenda. A part of me agrees with her but  I cannot fathom anyone offering a relationship just for free sex…and infrequent sex at that. But then again, he’s a man, so who knows? Tiger is ready to roll and Artsy-Craftsy is still miffed at all the incredibly unbelievable actions but she is ready to board and give up just one more chance since AFO did do things somewhat differently this time. New Mommy says she is ready because what do we have to lose? Either he keeps up his end of the bargain or he doesn’t. UTA kinda doesn’t know yet that I decided to jump onboard, but I am sure she will come along for the ride…I have a strong, sneaking suspicion how the trip will end (I have fire extinguishers, seat belts, oxygen masks and snacks for everyone’s safety and comfort) but who doesn’t want to see how it (re) starts? Cuz however has stated he is NOT riding the train and Chef says if Cuz doesn’t go, he isn’t going…and that is not working for me. Cuz is my conductor and someone has to serve up those snacks…someone whose name is Chef is appropriate. Pretty much everyone is riding the train (I have to let the other members know that we are gearing up for a trip) so stock up on aspirins and medications. I may have a boyfriend and we shall all delight and be happy in my delusion for at least one minute.

Of course, I am mindful of lots of things: we are both issue-laden, it would be a long distance relationship, I still have online ads and he still has some woman’s panties he sniffs once a week. In spite of the hope and excitement, I am working on tabling the expectations…he has already shown me once that out of sight, out of mind is more than a saying and he may just wish to maintain a connection versus actually building on it but only time will tell. I sent AFO an email over the weekend…it was chatty and pleasant without mentioning commitment or putting him on the spot…I figure if he is sincere, he will mention those things. Besides no need in coming across as needy, clingy or desperate (all of which I am quite capable of, by the way) right out the gate. And the train makes not one move forward until we hear from him and even then, there are at least two factors to consider: how long it takes to respond and what he says in the response. Who knows…we may be all dolled up with nowhere to go but again, time will tell. In the meantime, we will all lead and live our lives as we usually do. I refuse to stay stuck this time around.

I am going to end this post with (even more) song lyrics by an underground artist named Ish from her song Superhero: “So you want access inside this mess…you want to see the beauty and the pain. Do you really want to ride this train? The next stop is insane…” As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

Walking Wounded

Inside you know a heart fooled of hope…. to hold on for love hurts me, it’s slow
One word’s enough, one word this time….it never comes

Yes, more song lyrics…these are from Cary Brothers and the song is called All the Rage…it is hauntingly beautiful and all I am in the mood for as I deal with the consequences of my choices. The monster is out of the closet. (That didn’t take long, did it?) It did not come jumping out, yelling and shrieking with claws and fangs. Nope, it very quietly opened the door, slapped me hard across the face and walked out. It stings, but really who can I blame but me?

*Fair warning: long, convoluted and analytical post ahead…if you are sticking with it, grab snacks and the I told you so flash cards*

So Thursday, AFO was a no-show and that is not what I am angry about. I knew there was a chance he would not be able to make it over as he had work/classes/meetings early the following morning. We had discussed that possibility  and I had already said my goodbyes the day before so I was more than ready to settle in for Big Brother and some chocolate and enjoy an evening alone. No, I am pissed off that already…after three great days, two of which were filled with intimacy, sex and revelations…not to mention the man still being in town..I am back to being ignored. Completely. I heard not one word from AFO…not when I called to make sure he was up and ready for his day of meetings and classes, not when he got home and definitely not before the football game. He did not respond to my email and I know he heard the phone ringing if he wasn’t online to check messages. I honestly have no idea just how much more low maintenance I can be for a man…you don’t even have to come see me, but can you at least answer my phone calls? And again, that is on me…just look at who I am holding the slightest expectation for: a younger, more emotionally unavailable version of Him.

The disconnect has begun and I am feeling so many things at once it is as if I am feeling nothing at all. I am suspended in emotional limbo and already my girls (especially Morning Person and Artsy-Craftsy) are telling me not to beat up on myself but who else is to blame for this fiasco? Hell, on Sunday I wrote 3 blog posts and ended each one with why I was not going to subject myself to this bullshit again…how I wanted and deserved more. Yet, here we are. Again.

The guys (Cuz and Tiger) want to make excuses and say maybe he had to leave earlier than expected or maybe the phone was on vibrate; maybe the man has separation issues and in his efforts to just not deal with not being able to see me, he just says nothing at all…selfish as hell and hard on me, but this is just what he does. I just want to say: STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! Do NOT make excuses for the man…he is fully aware that I called and he chose to deliberately ignore me. I am incredibly disappointed in AFO, but really…the man showed me and the Panel who he was not only the last time we tried this but also when he returned this time, and did it all with no apology. He SHOWED me that shit had not changed…I was just hoping I could be the one to change him.

Of course, he is not completely off the hook…he lied (SHOCKER) and led me on with talk of being sincere and relationships and this has me so angry I want the bullets for my gun…Panel members are all acting as if they don’t where they are, but I know they hid them. Morning Person says to put the man behind us…shooting AFO would just keep the man in the forefront. I say shooting the man will put him beneath us and will solve a ton of problems in the process; no need to worry about meeting with AFO next time he comes to town….he won’t be visiting any longer. No worries about jobs or rent…the state will be taking care of my housing and medical care. As for a relationship…I have me hooking up with a chick named Big Shirley once I get to prison and we shall be incredibly happy and she will shower me with attention and protection.

I am very angry with myself…I got got by the same mofo within 60 days. I ignored everything that was right in my face, I allowed myself to be lied to and led on and now…I am right back in the same position I JUST got out of. This is bullshit. This is ridiculous. This is me with men. Yet, I am expecting something different from a man who said out of his own mouth he had NO idea who I was, despite me being so special and the one who does such incredible things to and for him. New Mommy figuratively held me, rocked me and smoothed my hair back while telling me that it’s okay (no it isn’t)….we decided to give a person we felt something for another chance. It’s better to know for certain than to wonder what if and yes, it is the second time he has played the same game but there does not have to be another time. First time..shame on you, second time…shame on me. There can be no third time because we aren’t taking the shame or the blame any longer.

She’s right.. I cannot deal with him on any level because I like him too much. Arrangements do not work with us because it is not a boundary nor a barrier. For me, because I like him so much and apparently cannot see through his bullshit…I still want strings and exclusivity (at least on his end) and happy endings that are not of a sexual nature. On his end, the generosity negates any obligation on his part to end things properly and excuses all types of behaviors. I can accept that our time is limited, I can accept that he will returning to his life on the Gulf Coast, but I cannot accept that he can never say goodbye. Just one word…that never comes. He says all these great things, makes me feel so wonderful and special and he lifts me up to these great heights for an extremely short period of time (3 days to be exact)…only to throw me over the side and however I land, I land. I cannot keep dealing with that or allowing him to disrupt what I have managed to build up in the past two years. It isn’t a lot but I do have some happiness, some peace and levels of self-everythings are rising but nothing is where I would like it to be.

It’s like Morning Person says…we repeat the lessons life sends us until we get them right. AFO was my test and I failed miserably. I am still looking for Him or a reasonable facsimile, I am still too ready to toss caution to the wind for short term happiness (resulting in long term pain) and I am still ready to accept substandard treatment and make excuses for it. Oh, yes…failing miserably and while it seems I am beating up on myself (I guess I am) I view it more as owning my role in this with no excuses…I was not blinded, I knew the man was a liar and an opportunist and I willingly took him back for reasons that run deeper than I like him…and I have no idea what the underlying reasons are.

So I am going out tonight with Girlfriend (we have our date night!) and this weekend I will sleep, think and maybe even cry. Next week we will talk about politics, football, why leaves change colors, why steak & cheese subs don’t help with weight loss…anything at all except this shit. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

My Favorite Mistake

I don’t even know where to start this post…it is another Air Force Officer post so you know it will be long, truthful and possibly graphic. You know, between Married Man and Him, I have learned a lot of lessons which I keep saying I will apply to the next person. Well, AFO was the next person and I did not apply one single thing. Hell, even in the face of being ignored, forgotten and blatantly lied to…I still took the man back and justified it by saying I got paid. We lie best when we lie to ourselves…I took him back because I wanted him back. I was willing to take all the bad just to have a chance at a little more of what was good. The man brings out the stupid in me. Big time, but you know what? Being with him (when he is sane and not protecting his emotional fortresses) makes me happy and no one said that happiness with another is supposed to be long term…I will take the short term while it is here for the taking.

I guess I will start with Tuesday night….I had gone out to dinner and when I got back, there was an email for him hoping I had a good time at dinner and to give him a call. I called, we exchanged maybe three sentences (he said he was :hanging out” which I took to mean he was either at a strip club or laying naked in bed with another woman) when I was distracted by my neighbor so I told him I would call him back. Within three minutes he had sent an email asking what he did wrong, why am I sending him mixed signals and to please contact him as soon as I was able. Well, sending an email that quick shot my theories of strippers and sex all to hell and once I was alone, I did call him back. I told him my neighbor had come over unexpectedly and since he was hanging out, no need in distracting him from what he was doing….his response was hanging out meant he was alone in his room watching TV. And that statement right there changed my perspective of him…just a tad.

Single men who indulge regularly in strip clubs and online ads are not sitting alone in a hotel room emailing just to say hello and see how your day went. Also, did I tell you all the man has NO game at all? When were in bed, doing things that naked adults do in bed, I got to talking dirty and asked him why he wanted me. His response was :”I’m a guy and this is what we do.” All I could do was laugh…I told him it was okay to role-play…we were in our own little alternate reality. I learned a loooong time ago to never try and transfer pillow talk (and any declarations of love and caring made during the performance of sexual acts) into the real world. But it wasn’t fear holding him back…he really had no clue. Also I am a huge fan of dirty name calling when having sex and while AFO allowed me to call him things like “my little slut”  (I swear, every time I touch him his legs fall open) or a “pretty bitch” (especially appropriate when I had him sucking the dildo) …he would never call me anything but my name. Maybe it is me trying to justify things but to me, a man looking for quick, dirty sex (and for free), a man who spends all his time surrounding himself with strippers and netscorts (online escorts) would not have an issue calling a woman he totally forgot about dirty names in bed. I think the man is lonely and awkward when it comes to women…and please note that this does not in any way negate the fact that he is butt-fuck crazy.

So we made plans to meet up the next day…I would metro to the station closest to where he was staying and he would meet me there at 10:30am. I was slightly excited to be going to “his place” but also a little put out. I would actually have to get dressed and travel but I thought it somewhat amusing when he said in a small way, it is taking our relationship to the next level.  He was bringing me into his environment, not everyone was invited to share his space. Besides, not only were we spending “day” time together, we were spending that all-important mid-day time together. So this is why all my previous relationships failed….lack of quality, mid-day time spent together. Of course, I pictured him bringing me in some back entrance, hauling me aboard a service elevator used by laundry and cleaning people so no one would see me. I envisioned the end of what was possibly our last day together resulting in a trashed hotel room complete with small fires, both of us looking as if we have been wrestling wild alligators yet still having desperate and kinky sex. But the entire day did not go the way I thought it would…of course I was late (I am always late for everything), but he did not fuss or yell, although he did tease me about it. He was waiting patiently in the car, reading a book and just glad I had not stood him up. We got lost because he refused to take the route we were both familiar with due to horrible traffic and I had to be a productive passenger and hold the GPS device. We talked and laughed  and held each other’s free hand during the drive.

We got to the hotel and held hands walking across the parking lot and up the stairs to his room. He ordered lunch (pizza and pepsis) and I put the snack I had bought him (I split my doggy bag from dinner with him) in the fridge. We talked about anything and everything…I found out he is a college grad, he has no middle name, is not a fan of reality TV but will watch Big Brother with me just because it means spending time with me, his father died while he was on tour in Iraq and he likes plain M&Ms. His favorite pizza is Hawaiian with extra cheese and he is a huge Chicago Bears fans and I am not allowed to root for the Packers…at all. Ever. I told him my hair looked crappy and he said nothing…I repeated myself. He asked was that his cue to say something? I told THAT right THERE is why he is not in a relationship.

You know, one thing about this guy is that I am okay with him seeing me not perfect, or seeing my place not perfect. He has seen me cook, wash dishes, unshowered, and most importantly…first thing in the morning with crust in my eyes and morning breath. He has slept with me  and I am sure I have told you all I let loose with all sorts of bodily functions when I am asleep. And still he comes back.  He has seen my bathroom trashcan filled with empty tampon tubes  and I have taken my wigs off my head right in front of his face and tied my doo-rag around my natural hair while he watches. With AFO, I just feel I can be me without all the bells and whistles. While sex with AFO is extremely kinky (Him has been knocked into 2nd place in that regard), it does not have the passion I had with Him…sex with AFO is more…comfortable and natural if that makes sense. AFO may not know what to say and I see him struggling to climb over emotional walls at times, but when I am with him…I just feel like nothing is forced and I feel sexy and wonderful and that I am an amazing lover because he so appreciative of my efforts. Cuddling is not something he does often at all, but he says with me…he could do it forever.

The day was perfect…well, for us it was. We had lots and lots of hot, kinky sex (he says I am insatiable but he is the one who wants more and more of what I have to offer. I swear, I wonder if he is 38 or 18), I enjoyed the conversations and he even watched Maury with me. Okay… I don’t have to be perfect, and he will watch Big Brother AND Maury? Almost a keeper…but I kept the warnings and admonishments of my Panel in mind…I remembered what happened before and while I enjoyed myself immensely and I am glad that for whatever reason, AFO and I were together again even if for a little while…I could have enjoyed myself more if I wasn’t waiting for the monster to jump out of the closet. He suggested if his schedule allowed that maybe he could come to my place Thursday to watch the game and do laundry…Girlfriend said this was proof positive that we were in a relationship! All I can do is laugh because readers…it does feel like he is my boyfriend. It does feel like a relationship and I am so scared and angry because I don’t want him to hurt me again, and I don’t want to be here in the Mid-Atlantic while he is on the Gulf Coast. I want him here so we can be together and see what we could have if we both went offline, if we spent Sundays watching football, if we could share each other’s spaces for more than a few hours at a time. But we can’t, and I have no choice but to accept that.

Goodbyes are never easy, especially when you have done them before. It feels as if my world is spinning out of control a little bit because he caught me off guard this time around…we were not even supposed to be meeting, especially twice and there was not supposed to be fun and feeling like this could lead somewhere. He was supposed to be disconnected and I was supposed to be cold and distant. But since the day had been so perfect, and his plans for Thursday may not come to fruition, I decided to say my goodbyes before I left the car. On the ride back to the metro, I told him I would miss him when he left and to please, please not forget me this time around. He stared straight ahead, but reached out, grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. He said that we would be in regular contact with each other, and with his new position he may be here in DC more often. I told him I really liked him and wished him happiness, luck and success. He hugged me and kissed me and said he would call or email later…and he did. So now, today is Thursday…he is in class and I am sitting here at war with myself. A part of me hopes against hope that he will come over this evening…I could wear my Packers tee shirt and we could trash talk each other. He can sit between my legs and massage my feet while laying his head against my thigh while I run my fingers through his hair. He could spend the night and leave early enough for meetings/class and that could be our perfect goodbye. The other part of me wants yesterday to be the last day…I cannot take another day of crazy, another fucked up last day where I am missing him for all the wrong reasons instead of the right ones. Who knows what will happen? The ball is in his court and I am not going to force anything to happen. All I can say is if the next post is about football or politics, you know he didn’t show up.

Readers, THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for staying with me during the AFO Incident…Panel, I owe you guys BIG TIME…Chef is treating  all of you to Starbucks on my behalf. I know I am a hot mess but I am trying to get better. I really am…it is just my brains are in my heart (and probably even further south than that) right now. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

The Morning After

“When all is lost, when all is gone, why do I still keep hanging on?

Fair warning…this post will be long and may contain a lot of truthfulness and convolution. Read at your own risk.

The quote is from song lyrics by Olivia Broadfield…the song is titled Hang On and it sums up my relationships with the men I choose so, so well. I may not be working on it but at least I can admit it. It has been incredibly crazy the past two days….there have been arguments and accusations between AFO and myself, communications with the Panel and everyone is flustered. This shitstorm is not what anyone was expecting. I was supposed to reveal myself to AFO, he was supposed to be a coward, turn tail and run and all would be well. He did none of that. At first, he kept pressing forward as if nothing were amiss and everything was all good in the neighborhood. But then I told him how his actions hurt  and angered me and I saw no need to see him or consider our “relationship” to be at any particular stage. We thought that would shut him up…but he came back with a reply that pretty much said you’re right, you’re right but here is my reasoning…and while certain things stood out to certain Panel members, what stood out to me was when he said he considered me special enough to ask me for my wet panties and that he inhales my scent every week. Except the wet panties I had for him were still ON MY ASS when he walked my door that last morning. So not sure whose scent he is sniffing but it is not mine. And that is when he switched gears and offered me the donation I was seeking in my ad in an attempt to repair our special, intimate friendship/relationship…which I agreed to.

Let’s be honest…I like the dude. A lot. If I didn’t, the not remembering me would not be the issue it is/was and there would have been no communication. Agreeing to see him for the money is a half-truth. If I were really in need, Guardian Princess, Tiger and even Busy Bee would make sure I am not destitute. I wanted to see him and treat him the way he treated me. But this dude came prepared…there was trash talking during the Monday night football games, there were serious talks where we asked each other questions and I did not believe his answers and lied about mine. There were deep kisses, a full body massage for me,  breast and belly worship, he stroked my hair and woke me at 4am with kisses on my shoulder to tell me how beautiful and sexy I was. There was music in the dark while I smoked and thought things over. There was eye contact and tentative smiles while I did my internet rounds (he seemed a bit miffed that I was on four social sites but relaxed when I told him the only one I used faithfully was Facebook…he is on none at all) He said all the right things: he truly was single, he was not a whore monger and did not think I was a whore, or a slut or easy; he does not have sex as often as I think and definitely not with random people; he trusts me and thinks I am special, beautiful and wonderful and not just in a sexual/physical sense…he likes my humor and the fact that we have common interests. He knows he fucked up but he is sincere about us having a relationship and wanting to treat me with the kindness and respect that I not only deserve but have shown him.

I had no idea what to say…every word raised expectations and I was falling. To shut him up and to turn myself off, I rolled over and pretended to be asleep. I even snored. Confusion set in (just like Morning Person and Oscar said it would)…I was determined to keep this a business arrangement. I was going to keep the lies and mistreatment at the forefront. Hell, I tried to show my hurt and anger with twisted kinky sexual acts: when I was giving him a massage, I beat him with my fists claiming his muscles were tight; I gave him the roughest prostate massage known to man and made him suck dildos. And he said I was being kinky and he loved it. Why didn’t he see I was different, that I viewed him differently and why couldn’t I treat him differently? Why was he laying in my bed naked with me in his arms when I should have kicked him out afterwards and why did it feel so normal and wonderful? In the morning, he woke me up with more kisses and I watched him get dressed. He climbed back in bed to hug me, kiss me and wish me a wonderful day…and then he was gone. Then came the emails…the first one came 45 minutes after he left thanking me for wonderful evening and to let me know he made it back to his hotel safely. Then thirty minutes later, he wants to know if I will come to his location later in the evening, have dinner with him and spend the night there? And this drives me crazy…because he is being sweet and sane and apologetic; and is holding back the crazy and stupid which we all know is right below the surface. It is flattering he is putting forth all these efforts and seems to have truly listened to me and is following through on what he says he wants with me, but I still get the nagging feeling that the efforts are all self-serving and he is fulfilling a selfish agenda and not an “us” agenda. I mean, come on people, he is sniffing another woman’s panties!

Girlfriend, Artsy-Craftsy and myself are the only ones willing to stick it out and see where it leads and how long AFO can hold back on the stupidity and craziness. Morning Person, Chef and UTA are all like dude is nuts and it is best to ignore him and/or nip this shit in the bud. NOW. Hell, even Sister Someone emerged from her world of delusion and wedding planning to remind me how wrapped I was before, how crazy he went and how hurt I was over his actions then and following. Don’t fall back into the trap of mixing business with pleasure. (See, this is why I don’t throw her ass completely out on the street…every once in awhile she shows she is not a complete idiot) Oscar, Tiger and Cuz are on the fence…it all depends on what I truly want to do and can I handle the consequences without therapy and medication if it doesn’t work out…again?

I want to believe him but he has already taken a swing at me emotionally, and frankly I do not trust him. Maybe UTA hit it on the head, the man has a relationship fetish and it is all role-play. Maybe it is as Morning Person said…he is doing what he has to do to ensure he never pays for pussy in DC again. Yet, despite theses awesomely wonderful insights, I think I am going to take the advice of Artsy-Craftsy and Girlfriend (the romantics in the group and givers of second chances) and just go with the flow. I already know I cannot trust him…online ads and strip clubs are his M.O…having a long distance girlfriend is not going to change that. He is possessive and jealous…not good things but coupled with my insecurity and trust issues…train wreck in the making. Brick walls will be in place and it would be nice to have dinner, pampering and to spend time with  a man that is definitely not hard on the eyes at all. I am packing up the expectations…AFO has already shown me that once he goes, it IS over and no need to cart around feelings or wondering random thoughts.. If anything other than what happened last time happens, it would be a huge surprise to me and the Panel.

However, I did not meet with him yesterday…we both needed a break and some rest and we all know what happened last time we tried to do the everyday thing. Instead, I am meeting with him today and who knows how it will go? Already I have him spending yesterday without me naked and jacking off for some chick in white cotton socks and he is accusing me of sending mixed signals when in reality, it is him doing so.  Oh, yeah…utter insanity but the good news is we only have three more days of it.

I am going to end this post with another song lyric…this is from Everything but the Girl…the song is titled Single and it sums up more than you will ever know about what is going on right now: “I feel reckless, I feel clumsy and like I’m making a mistake…a really big mistake.”

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and stay tuned because this is not over yet) and as always….enjoy your day!