To-Do List

My abdominal pain has returned…and it is as horrible as I remember it. (I am still in disbelief that Tiger actually asked me: what pain?) It has been almost a year since I last felt it or needed my cane and I am a little surprised it is back. Life has not been overly stressful, and I am thinking I am more emotionally well balanced than I have been in a very, very long time. But perhaps it is my diet…I have been indulging in lots of steak & cheeses and French fries lately and the Pepsis? All the time, people…all the time. I have got to get back in the swing of things with the healthier eating/drinking habits.

So in addition to over the counter cocktails every 3 hours (ibuprofen and extra-strength Tylenol),  I am suspending “dates” (the cane really is not sexy), taking it easy (really, how much easier can an unemployed person take/make  things?), and writing out a to-do list. It isn’t much and probably not even newsworthy, but I am the type, if I don’t write it out, I will forget…and Lord knows, I have nothing but time right now.

Catch a movie: There is one that is on my must-see list…the other three are ones I want to see, but not going out of my way to make it happen. My must see is Celeste and Jesse Forever. I plan to grab some yummy pasta and salad for lunch, then catch the movie. I think I will see it alone….company would be great, and it could be the perfect date night movie for Girlfriend and I, but I want to see it sooner than later. (Girlfriend has the craziest schedule) If I snag a movie date from CL (assuming they actually show up), I would want to discuss the movie afterwards and we all know CL men:  if sex is not involved…gone faster than a speeding bullet. So maybe next week if my pain subsides, I will treat myself to it. The other movies on my radar are Killer Joe (it looks deliciously twisted), The Campaign and The Bourne Legacy.

Girlfriend: I need to call/write my favorite chick. I have not spoken with her since her grandmother passed and I feel badly about that. It is not because I am a bad or uncaring person I have not spoken to her (although it may appear that way)…I simply never know what to say or do in such situations. I did offer condolences and prayers to her via Facebook but really? A senior member of my Panel who knows just about every secret is only worthy of an FB comment? I was advised to simply talk to her…she probably wants/needs distractions and while mine do not involve alcohol, betting she cannot get the sort of entertainment I can offer anywhere else.  Girlfriend needs to be caught up on the him drama, the white baby scare and I really want to ask her if Marines return the favor (so far, Navy, Coast Guard and Air Force don’t) and is that part of why she likes them so much.

Cook: I have hundreds of dollars worth of food in my fridge and freezer and I need to start eating it. I really am a decent cook and the grilled steaks were yummy but I found them a bit dry the next day when I re-heated them. Unsure if it was the microwave or I kept them on the grill too long. Also, I baked some boneless pork steaks (they are like huge, meaty ribs) and covered them in BBQ sauce and prepared hash brown potatoes and collard greens  to go with them…Cuz and my Neighbor joined me for that meal. Cuz claimed he was coming over anyway to check on me…it just so happened it was the day I had barbecued meat and fresh greens hot on the stove. So yes… cooking more will be a fixture on my to-do lists in the future. Why spend money on food when I have so much of it and I have my food being tastier (lots) and healthier (somewhat). By the way, I have somehow come into possession of an eggplant…no idea what to do with it so any advice/suggestions are appreciated along with info on how it tastes.

Read more: Seeing as how I pretty much had the entire summer off from work (I worked a total of 10 days since May) and I have moved on even further from the Him fiasco and subsequent drama, I needed something to occupy my time. AFO took up all of 10 days (4 days with him and 6 days of analysis), and there is only so much daytime TV one can watch. I chose to start reading again and had forgotten how much I missed my murder mysteries and true crime stories. I enjoy a range of authors including Erica Spindler, Harlan Coben, Jonathan Kellerman, Lisa Scottoline, Sue Grafton and a host of others. In my internet travels, I have come across a blog. You guys know I am pretty open-minded when it comes to people, places and things..I feel one has to be. It is amazing for/to me to learn different things, hear contrasting opinions and learn new things. This blog (written by/about a Canadian female married to a Saudi man who are  pretty much political prisoners in the KSA)  is interesting and sometimes reads like an international spy thriller and at other times it comes across jumbled and convoluted, but the frustration, bewilderment and other emotions come across loud and clear. If you may be interested in reading, you can check it out here: http://www.saudireallife.blogspot.com/

Visiting: Depends on how well the OTC cocktails are at holding back the pain, I need to make a couple of visits. First visit would be to see my Baby Mama. This woman has been my friend/sister/confidant for over 20 years, her daughter is my goddaughter (she is absolutely gorgeous and brilliant), her family is my family and vice versa. Our communications and visitations have been sporadic for awhile but you know what people say about real friends picking up where they left off and the comfortable silences? I have that with her…we can each ask the other one question, and we are off to the races and all caught up in no time at all. We can watch an afternoon’s worth of TV in total silence and it does not bother us. I love her completely and unconditionally and I wish all the trials and bad things life has thrown at her could somehow reverse themselves but this woman…she has never fallen down or given up. She is one of the rare people in this world who can accept Higher Power’s will and guidance in their life…and I am SO going to visit her, and do so on a regular basis. I am going to take her hair (although she has beautiful mane naturally) and we will eat and talk and laugh. We will enjoy our friendship fully and completely, like we used to.  The second visit is to Mini-Me who is recovering from surgery…nothing major but still…one visits friends, the sick and sick friends.

And since it has taken me forever to finish what is probably the most boring blog post in the history of blog posts, there are a couple of updates/revisions: I have talked with Girlfriend (we are still in love and missing each other so much…and my groupons and movies suggestion is just fine with her); I went on a hellified shopping spree and got the most delicious red suede boots in addition to a ton of other stuff and I am going to attempt a “date” ..pain, cane and all. Should be interesting.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (I promise to try to write sooner than later, hopefully about something interesting, funny and/or dramatic), and as usual….enjoy your day!

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Nothing Much

It has been awhile since I have written…and still I really do not have anything to say but I do want folks to know I am alive and well. Life has been routine over here  for the most part and while it is a little boring, it is a good thing.

I had written a draft post  about a week ago when I was all discombobulated and secretly hating people, but no sooner had I written two paragraphs… things resolved themselves. I was pissed at Chef (I needed wakeup calls when I was working an assignment and he said I was grown and no longer in need of help) but we kissed and made up right after he called to make sure I was awake the very next morning. I was in a funk because the assignment was a two day one but it extended to ten and I have at least two callbacks for ten days each with the company, so something is in the works. I am in a slight uproar over non-smokers and their invasions of personal space and privacy but that will be its own blog post once they rile me up real good again….so yet another post I am eventually going to write. (I still have to talk about Meredith Grey)

No word from the Air Force Officer (no surprise) and it is at the point I am like…who? The dates are still coming and going in waves and I have come to the conclusion that 40% of the men who respond simply are looking for some type of attention and an email exchange provides that for them. I need to set up a paypal account and for every email they send, they will have to pay. I have determined that military men not deployed overseas are lazy with little initiative, horrible/selfish lovers and are pretty much anti-social, have stalkerish tendencies and a few are serial killer crazy. Strictly my opinion based on my experiences.  Him….he is moving to the background more and more each day. Yes, I still think about him at times but pretty much the thoughts are the man is a stupid idiot and his wife is a delusional whore. Again, just my opinion.

My birthday came and went with little fanfare….I went to the grocery store with Busy Bee and Morning Person and ended up having a “date” in the evening. Nothing much and very low-key and I totally enjoyed it. I got lots of FB wishes and I told folks I am now 29 ½. I have gotten back into watching the Maury show and I swear… someone, someday is going to shoot the man. Right on the show. Cooking is back on the agenda…I did a great meal featuring grilled steaks the other night and have made a yummy fruit salad that I a snacking on here and there. A BBQ pulled pork is on the menu later in the week.

 The Panel is doing okay…everyone is being quiet and living their lives. New Mommy is amazed that K-Bugg is now 18 months old, Artsy-Craftsy, Quiet One and Chef are working and Oscar is not happy being pregnant except for the baby craving spicy foods. Cuz is actively searching for a girlfriend, Buddy has broken it off with Boo for real this time and UTA is still on vacation. I am not speaking to Sister Someone or Brother Everything…I cannot deal with their delusion and drama but I did have a dream that they both were smoking crack. Girlfriend lost her grandmother and Morning Person’s brother passed away. They are as okay as one would expect after losing loved ones and their strength and class in the face of such loss is certainly an inspiration.

And this is what has been happening…not a lot of anything at all. I plan to get a mani/pedi one day this week and maybe catch a couple of movies. I still want to go to the American History Museum to see the Thomas Jefferson exhibit, and of course I am still job searching. So this is how life has been in a nutshell and I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts because I already know it is the calm before the storm. The only question is: which storm is coming?

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual……enjoy your day!

 

Reminiscing

I remember holding hands…in the truck, in bed, while making love.

I remember sunshine

I remember dancing in the reception area and on the dance floor

I remember laughing until tears fell and I could not catch my breath

I remember smiling because he said I was pretty

I remember how happy he made me

I remember how angry he made me

I remember having had enough but wanting more…kisses, passion, arguments, caring

I remember him being worth it

I remember being satiated, floating and drowning at the same time and unable to stop myself from falling

I remember crying and the physical pain of heartbreak

I remember butterflies

I remember running my hands through his hair

I remember him sleeping in my arms

I remember teasing and being teased

I remember telling him he was all I needed

I remember feeling sexy…just because

I remember not wanting him to leave

I remember being doubted when I told the truth but believed when I lied

I remember hope

I remember being in love

I remember wanting him to be the one

I have memories that make me smile, make me sad and make me shake my head

I remember all of the men who ever gave me any of the above

 

Haste

Haste. Defined as unnecessarily quick action; thoughtless, rash, or undue speed. An old adage tells us that haste makes waste. For me, haste means committing acts of irresponsibility and carelessness. Haste shows me that even after two years, I still have not learned the important lessons. No, I no longer feel the same way towards Him and while I like to say every day I am losing more and more of my taste for what him offers, I am not. I may not be drawn to the man, but I still fall for the type of man him is, and I almost paid a huge price for that.

I woke up with Mother Nature this morning (hallelujah and Thank YOU , Lord!!) but I am not happy about it. Oh, yes I am pleased as punch that there are no consequences for my foolish actions, but maybe that is what I need are consequences as I am clearly operating in hindsight mode here. I am not some 16 year unpopular kid in high school who went for it with the star quarterback. I am not naïve and uninformed. I am a 46 year old woman who is allowing her unresolved, issue laden past create unnecessary drama in her present. Sure, I was ready to pull on my big girl panties and face up to my responsibilities if I were with child, but I don’t want a child. When I look at the list of goals and dreams I have, a child did not make the list. At all.

I KNOW unprotected sex is simply not an option unless one is in a committed relationship with one partner and there is a future within that relationship. And a future involves more than making it from one week to the next without arguing, breaking up or wondering where you stand with that person. A committed relationship involves time, investments, compromise and responsibility for both parties. Unprotected sex is not for the man who answers your mutually beneficial arrangement ad …seriously, how many does he answer and follow through with and how many am I going through with? Neither of us know and both of us lie to spare egos and to look good. Unprotected sex is not for the man who  is in town for 5 days. It is not for the man who is him 20 years younger. Yet, I did it because I felt a “connection”.

And haste and denial made me do it….in my haste to prove I know what I want and I have moved on and grown and progressed, I fell into the trap that denial set so nicely. Yes, I DO know what I want, but I am not ready for it. By a long shot. And denial has me thinking that if I cannot have him, I can have a man just like him who will see and know and realize that I am so great and wonderful and that will show everybody. Show everybody what? That I am still stuck in some places? As much as I hate being truthful with myself, something in me is still drawn to emotionally unavailable men who have issues way worse than mine. Something in me believes that taking risks with these men is the “right thing to do”. And it isn’t.

I risked my sexual health and could have possibly altered my life all for….what? Yes, the man made me happy as long as he wore his mask, but when the mask came off I saw it for what it was…mediocre sex with an insecure, possessive guy who seems to be doing just fine without me, thankyouverymuch. I risked it all for a man like him except there was no friendship or history. Haste has me fast forwarding through the important things that make a relationship just so I can say I have/had a relationship. Haste has me planning 2nd, 3rd and 4th dates when I am not even halfway through the first one. Denial lets me close my eyes to the red flags and willing to assume all the efforts and responsibility because if I don’t…there is no relationship.

I have to learn to respect the boundaries I erected; I have to learn to practice more patience. I need to know if I can deal with a person once the mask comes off and if they can deal with me once mine comes off. I need to work on me a little harder than I have…comparing my dysfunction with Him and Sister Someone’s fucked-upness is not working on resolving my issues. It is allowing me to be complacent. So the comparisons must stop….their drama does not fix mine. I have to want more than brief flings here and there.  I have to raise my expectations so that crazy is not the norm. I have to accept that even though I have identified the root of my evil does not mean that the evil is gone. I need to grow up and realize that accepting responsibility is not being mature….maturity is placing yourself in a position of not having to deal with consequences. I am not there yet.

So today, I once again re-commit myself to the journey of self-discovery so I can be prepared for what I want, I try again to work even further on myself so I can close the door on my issues, hopefully for good. Today, I promise myself that I will be that person who enhances my happiness, that I will treat me the right way…with respect and friendship.

Now I have to prepare for work tomorrow (the two day assignment is extended by another week…YAY) and I have the BEST outfit: black top, leopard maxi skirt and matching leopard flats. I am cooking dinner (chicken and shrimp stir-fry with red peppers, broccoli and white corn) and getting to bed early so I can be on time. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

Another Post with No Title

I have not written in awhile because there was nothing to say. There were no job assignments or offers, no bites on my resume and no beneficial arrangements. Not even the random ridiculous response. Prince Charming is still a frog, laying about on his lily pad somewhere, in no rush to find me. I have no money (extra or otherwise) so no vacations or tales of me doing the random road trip. No pictures of me and my family and friends going places, doing things. We are either unemployed or underemployed, which makes us poor. Poor people take their babies to the community pool, sit inside with air conditioning (due to the incredible heat and humidity) and watch cable (maybe it is me, but those two items are no longer luxuries but necessities) and work. And the work does not even involve travel! Boo and hiss.

I ran out of steam and fell into a mini-depression. I am expending time, effort and in the case of the beneficial arrangements, money to place the ads. I am job searching, networking and placing calls to agencies and friends of friends. For what? To sit up here and look at empty inboxes and duck calls from creditors? My engine died and I did not bother to call for help. Who cared if the laundry piled up or the dishes sat in the sink? I didn’t. I did not shower for three days straight and protested loudly when my mother made me get one. Sister Someone called to inflict wounds and pour salt in them…I am so done with that crazy, delusional heifer. She really just does not know what to say out of her mouth at times. Even the news of despair and gloom from Him’s corner of the world has only served to confuse Artsy-Craftsy and myself even more and serve up super-sized headaches. And then it happened…as I was sitting here stinky, headachy and watching my apartment fall into ruin; while watching re-runs of Glass House and Big Brother allowing them to give meaning to my life and making up stories about the lives Olympian athletes led outside of the arena….the sun broke through the clouds.

One of the temp agencies called with a two day assignment and at first I was not going to take it…seriously, since March I have worked one 3 day assignment. This assignment would bring my summer employment days to 5. Really? But after talking it over with my mom and the Panel…take it. It could lead to other things and more importantly, it was an actual, get-out-of-the-house, sit in an office and see new people job! Then another recruiting agency called….they saw my resume and wanted to submit me for a long term position. The phone interview went well and while nothing will probably come of this, at least someone saw my resume and found it viable. THEN, a beneficial arrangement from a couple of months ago called and wanted to see me again. Manna!! It was as if someone had come along, replaced my engine and filled the gas tank while they were at it….I showered, stripped the bed, did laundry, mopped, dusted, ran a vacuum. The session with the client was even better than the first time around, my outfit for the assignment was perfect and the assignment itself was decent. VERY metro-friendly, laid back, friendly people and the supervisor was pleased at my resume and my skills. There may even be a chance I could be called back and/or made permanent. Slim chances, but it’s hope. I need hope at this point.

And it hit me…with all these peaks and valleys going on, I was missing something. Mother Nature. She has not made an appearance since June and by my calculations I am ten days late. And then it hit me again…I was unprotected for 4 days of sex with the Air Force Officer. Wow. Morning Person is insisting I am simply experiencing menopause but I find it strange that menopause only wants to show up when I have unprotected sex. I am not panicking…yet. I am going to wait two more weeks and if necessary, take a pregnancy test. I do not think I will tell AFO about any of this regardless of the outcome. If I’m not pregnant, I am just raising his issues for nothing. If I am pregnant, the first thing he will holler is I trapped him and then he will ask how can I be sure. Of course, I am giving the man way too much credit…he will probably ignore and delete the email on sight. Who knows what will happen here? I could be walking around with a white baby I will name Michelle and she will require a masseuse and therapist because her mother is insecure, issue laden and an addict; her father is butt fuck crazy. She will smoke Newports, call people bitches and will beg me to move to Southeast so she can sell “looseys” (single cigarettes) and kick ass. Or, the fat could be blocking vital entryways and the Pepsis and steak & cheese subs are not helping. The diet/eating changes went out the window with the storm that knocked out the power for three days and I have not been looking for them.

Stay tuned to see how this story turns out, and please  keep your fingers crossed I get something viable and long term assignment-wise to carry me through the winter at least.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!