Endings, Continuations and a Party

This post is going to be a little random, a little convoluted and cover three things that are on my mind. I am writing this for me but do not mind sharing with you if you are willing to stick with it.

  • First, I am pretty much okay with the Flash in the Pan that was Air Force Officer. Regardless of how it ended, I knew it had to end. And when we both decided to step outside our comfort zones to do this, we both overlooked a lot of red flags. For him, the fact that I told him that no one had lain in my bed with me since my ex, he should have realized I saw in him the potential for more than a fling. AND the fact I suspended the financial obligations? It is beyond evident I am ready to jump into something with someone. And that lets me know I do not know what I want and am seeking externally to fill the voids. On my end, I recognized some of the issues but thought they would/could stay under wraps until we were over: his shyness, inadequacies and insecurities…the lack of confidence and his jealousy/possessiveness took me by surprise. He kept asking what I liked about him, his body, was he big enough and the fact he threw all those questions at me about how often I have sex DURING sex…it is the male equivalent of a female saying I love you during sex. I was asked would I want to hear from him again, and I honestly do not know. Doubtful if he will initiate contact but I am almost certain if I did, we would be right back where we left off, and I know I could not deal with  these things long term and long distance would only exacerbate his issues. The man has not had a girlfriend since he joined the military almost 17 years ago and it is clear he could not handle a relationship of any type, not to mention the fact he wants to let the crazy out whenever AND not reciprocate. He has to be able to either return the favor or stay sane if not both. And I do not think he can.
  • This second piece of news came while I was mulling over the first topic and missing having AFO in my space, place and bed. It is going to be the topic of my next blog post once we get more information but here is a sneak peek. Brother Everything has PROPOSED MARRIAGE to Sister Someone!!! Initial reactions from the Panel have been disbelief and shock: Morning Person made me repeat myself ten times, I think New Mommy stopped cooking, Cuz laughed for like…ever, Chef poured himself a stiff drink and I am thinking Tiger’s eyes popped out of his head and his jaw dropped. Artsy Craftsy wants to know why people want to lose their mind once she goes on vacation and me…my initial reaction was a deep, deep jealousy, envy and hatred. THIS chick who cannot cook, clean and is crazier than authentic batshit gets a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL and me…sweet, honest, kind, loving…gets the crazy no one has ever heard of! Maybe I should start paying for it or perhaps just hold the man captive in my apartment until I wear him down with my crazy…but my temper tantrum can wait because there are discrepancies all over the place with this latest development. Not five days ago Brother Everything let us know Sister Someone had given him a wedding date of May 18, 2013 and suggested he get busy with saving his dollars to buy her a ring. Then two days ago, Brother Everything lets us know he has a Plan B in place and would be gone no later than Christmas (what is it with this guy always ducking out at Christmas?) and now…he has proposed. And Sister Someone was not happy, excited, elated or even gloating when she called to tell me her news…she was in shock and confused. Yes, they had discussed marriage but not in depth and not for long. No, she had no wedding plans and no plans to make any…she had to get used to being engaged first. So…one of them is lying…the question is: which one?
  • So, I am completely discombobulated over pretty much everything at this point and I have to admit, I felt a tad guilty over not being able to be happy for Sister Someone. The chick has worked hard to achieve her goals and I was the first person she called to tell the news to, and all I want to do is slap her silly. I decided I needed some ice cold Pepsis (my version of hard liquor) and a nap but wanted to take Guardian Princess her birthday present first. Yes, it was her birthday and according to her, she is a dyslexic 16. She loved her present (a battered brass bracelet with turquoise stones) and insisted I accompany her and the Church Ladies to a birthday party/cookout that evening. I protested and did my best to beg off, but she was persistent, stating it would not be the same if I were not there. And so I went (after a delicious nap in my bed which I no longer have to share)…and had a BLAST! The foods were all homemade and mouth watering: fresh hamburgers, ribs, chicken, sausages and brats on the grill; potato salad, tuna salad, chicken salad with raisins, apples and nuts; grilled corn on the cob; baked beans; spinach salad with strawberries, eggs, bacon and bleu cheese; garden salad with three types of lettuce, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, eggs, broccoli, cauliflower, onions, peppers and shredded cheese. Ice cold waters and sodas. Wine, liquor (the spiced rum went quickly) and a homemade sangria made with blush wine, coconut rum, Alize, Mountain Dew and various fruits. And the birthday cake?? Beautiful and delicious …lemon with lemon mousse and white butter cream frosting. There was music (Motown, Sam Cooke and some George Clinton), dancing and a trivia contest that I won by a landside but the winning question was to correctly name the main four Sweathogs on Welcome Back Kotter.(Vinnie Barbarino, Juan Epstein, Arnold Horseshack and Freddie Boom-Boom Washington) There were random and interesting conversations, I cracked jokes, pulled corn from my cleavage because those kernels were flying everywhere as I ate (I think they thought it was a magic act or something), and knew this was what I needed to restore some sort of mental/emotional balance. Amazing…Guardian Princess’ birthday and I got the present.

Today, I am still jealous over Sister Someone but working on putting things in perspective. I miss Air Force Officer (not the crazy parts) but realize he cannot give me what I want and need. I do not view me stepping outside my comfort zone as a mistake but rather…an adventure, and one I would do again with someone I felt something with/for. If nothing else, it made real the saying that it happens when you least expect it….I am just glad I have been through enough to recognize when it will not work. It is a lazy day here for me…cleaning, resting, folding laundry while I wait for Big Brother, and is anyone ready for this one? NEBRASKA has emailed…he is in town and cannot wait to see me. Is it just me or did I not tell this guy NO like a thousand times already? Not even going to attempt to handle this…maybe a lack of response will tell him what he needs to know.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading, and remember to stay tuned for the continuation of the Sister Someone/Brother Everything saga. As usual….enjoy your day!


How to Go from Sixty to Zero in Three Days or Less

The Air Force Captain and I had basically been living together (at least at night) since we first met Tuesday evening. I know I told you guys to stay tuned after he sent an email. In that email, he explained why he left the way he did (he is no stranger to mutually beneficial agreements and figured once we were “over”…it was over), he apologized for coming across as an asshole and wanted to see me  if not every day , at least once more before he left for home. I told him I that I did want him to stay but had no idea how to tell him that since I was the one who insisted I did not want to wake up to him. We emailed and talked on the phone for over two hours, agreed to be each other’s understanding and companionship with no expectation or obligation of financial benefit and settled into a routine.

During the day, we lived our lives. He ran in the mornings and evenings, did his 8 hours of work at the base and was at my place no later than 9pm and we spent the evenings/nights together. He left out early in the morning (after a hug and a kiss) to return to base and begin his routine over again. I spent my days here…sometimes I slept/napped but usually I thought about him, wrote blog posts (and my last one was about Air Force Officer, NOT the original him), cleaned the house and myself, talked on the phone with the Panel and made sure there was something for him to eat in case he was hungry. When he would show up, we massaged each other while we watched television, he told me about his day and there was cuddling and sex. And all this togetherness was wonderful but the cracks started to show…I am not surprised, at all. Not only were we both sleep deprived (who wants to spend your limited amounts of time together sleeping?), we are two people cut from a lot of the same cloth, we are both intense and we were both trying to fill a lot of voids in a short period of time. Still, one would think a person could contain their crazy for four days, but in our last hours together, his good had gone and all I was left with was the bad, ugly and the crazy.

I have found out the man has OCD to the point it could be called CDO….and for those who don’t get it, CDO is OCD alphabetized in ascending order. THAT  is how bad he is. We had pizza the other night and he ordered it with onions and green peppers …except he only wanted it on the pizza to give it flavor. When it came time to actually EAT the pizza, he picked them off. One by one, and put onions in one pile, green peppers in the other. Actually, this is simply a quirk and I can live with quirks…Lord knows, I have enough of my own. Remember, I am the chick who folds dirty clothes.

Sexually, the man showed himself to be a  little selfish and a lot deviant…neither is a good thing. The man is not into giving oral (some sort of sexual baggage he is carrying around) and of course, being a guy, he is into receiving it and that kind of bothers me as I am just now learning what a wonderful thing receiving can be. Reciprocation is a great thing, people. One of his fascinations is with fingering and I believe that made its way onto my list of dislikes. So he doesn’t like/want to return the favor and wants to subject me to what I do not like…not good for the long-term, but what irks me most about this is how he would say he wanted to return the favor…knowing the entire time he had no intention of doing so. He has a HUGE thing for white cotton socks. He actually bought me some and he put them on my feet and hands (don’t ask). In fact, he dressed me in whatever he wanted to see me in…I would have the requested items (cotton panties, white cotton socks, spandex, oversized tee shirt) laid out and he would dress me. He chose our last night together to tell me about a sexual escapade (a threesome with two other women) but refused to look at me when he told the story. What was the deal with that? I don’t mind hearing the story but to not be able to look at me when he tells it?  He also revealed some of his other kinks (definitely for Panel members only) and not only liked to spank but wanted to be spanked. Usually that would not bother me but in light of his other kinks and desires, it made me wonder if  he wants to wear the pants or the panties in bed. His saving grace was his dirty talk, breast fetish and having the right amount of stamina.

He is jealous and insecure and I could not deal with that for the night….no way could I deal with that for the long term. He got jealous over my phone ringing and when the caller ID would show up on the TV, he would always ask who the person was in relation to me. He had no problem with Cuz for some reason…in fact, he and Cuz even had a phone conversation debating the merits of Family Guy and would the movie Ted be worth the price of admission to see women trying the get the fuzzy from a bear. But then Buddy called…I chose to ignore his call, thinking I could call him back in the morning but then the cell phone rang…again, it was Buddy. I chose to answer to let him know I was okay but had company. After I hung up, Air Force Officer had 10,000 questions and stated I had a lot of male friends. He asked questions about him, when was the last time I had performed sexual acts, was my ad still up online, was he the only one, what made him so special that I wanted to be with him and for real, men paid for sex and women all the time so I was not being with him freely or for free. The barrage of questions seemed to be an attack of some sort on me and all I could think of was WHY ask these questions and seriously, how could he not know I was freely being with him when he was bringing nothing over to my place except himself? I tried to remain calm and explained to him what we told each other in the email that started all of this…I felt things for him and with him I had not felt in a long time. Let’s just spend time together, enjoy great conversations and see where it takes us. No need for anything except us…exploring the possibilities for as long as we both wanted to or were allowed to. HIS answer was: “well, you know how we met and when I leave, you still have the ad.” I had no idea what to say to that…yes, I posted an ad (how long ago?) but HE responded to it. This is the man who says it does not matter how you meet, it matters how and where you end up. And he is acting like this. Definite mood killer. I told him I could not deal with this and maybe we should have just left it at what it was…one terrific night.

He came over to me, held me and kept apologizing but never offered an explanation for his behavior. He said I was the best part of his trip, a dream come true for him and please don’t be angry…and I allowed his touch and his kisses to persuade me to put it to the back of my mind. We got into bed and after surprisingly satisfying sex, we laid in bed holding each other except I could not sleep. His snoring was incredibly loud to me and I was HOT…I have white socks hanging off of me everywhere and my bottom half was encased in black spandex. I have flannel sheets and a comforter on the bed and I am on the inside of the bed…which means Air Force Officer in on the outside, blocking the air. Which in turn means he is cold and me being on the inside, I control the covers (you have to see my bed to know what I am talking about) and of course, I do not want him to be cold…so I am sweating and awake while he is comfortable and asleep. I drifted in and out and I woke once at 4am…and he was wide awake looking at me. I drifted back to sleep and when I awoke again, he was sitting on the side of the bed, getting dressed. After he was ready to leave out the door, he grabbed his Pepsi from dinner that had been sitting on the breakfast bar all night. I offered to swap out his warm, half-empty soda for a full, cold one but he snapped at me saying what he had was fine. Then he came over, kissed me and asked would we still be meeting that night…what was to be our last night together. I told him of course and to have a great day…and then he was gone.

After he left, I called Morning Person and Chef (trust me, being a Panel member is a 24/7 job) to tell them about the turn of events and how I felt so badly that not 12 hours before I was wondering how I would make it when he shipped out but now, I am wondering what time is that flight leaving because he needs to go. NOW. And it turns out, Thursday night was our last night together…fitting somehow that my short term love affair would end with dysfunction and frustration. No bittersweet kisses and declarations of I’ll miss you over here. I got a text message followed by a phone call from Air Force Officer Friday afternoon…his tour ended with the close of business Friday (he had a Saturday morning flight) but work ended earlier in the day and he was now packed and about to head to the airport. He was sorry he would not be able to see me but told me to take care of myself. I responded with I was not surprised at the turn of events (really, would anyone have been surprised?) and to have a safe flight home. I suggested perhaps we could keep in touch , but he remained silent on that.

My Panel (those who know) and I are a little confused by his 180◦ turn…I mean this is the guy who signed his emails with “Me” which I thought was so…boyfriend-like and cute. This is the guy who entered my house telling me how incredibly happy he was to be here and to see me. This is the guy who for almost three days showed me why people want to be back in relationships, who showed me how a person can complement and enhance your personal happiness to heights unknown. Not saying I was happier than I have been in my life, but for a little while I wanted everyone I know to feel the way I did when I got a phone call from Air Force Officer, when I saw his emails in my inbox and the way I felt when he walked through my door, knowing someone was coming home to ME. Incredible does not even begin to describe it and everyone who talked to me while Air Force Officer was in my life could tell the difference in me: Cuz and Chef were so happy I was so happy, Oscar was hoping against hope that somehow something more would develop and Morning Person….Morning Person was worried out of her mind and kept asking when was this dude going home. She was happy for me but feels it is still too soon as I am not out of the woods yet process-wise.

Of course there are theories: the man has not had a girlfriend in over 15 years; recent relationships have been mutually beneficial transactions or hitting up strip clubs. Maybe he was falling as much as I was and scared/angry/frustrated that it was so incredibly short term and had no idea how to express himself. I was told that I made him so comfortable, he let the crazy out thinking I would understand. I have been advised that I am simply too much of something good and maybe I should tone it down a notch or two….men are not used to good, sweet and sexually skilled (their words, not mine) and have no idea what to do with it when it lands in their lap. Personally, I say the man either lost interest or I do bring out the crazy in men and maybe I should remain asexual and celibate. Who knows? I went into this knowing it would end and his asshole behavior made parting easier than I thought it would be…but I miss what it was. Oscar and Cuz want me to keep in touch with Air Force Officer but I have to debate that…I need to move on and get even better and maybe I can go overboard with someone with a little more emotional stability and availability and a lot less deviance. Preferably someone if not in the same geographical region, at least the same time zone. Definitely someone who can control his crazy and can communicate effectively….if you are going to miss me and are sorry we are ending, SAY SO. If it was no more than a chance to load up on free sex…SAY SO. Just don’t go from Captain Air Force to Captain Asshole and think it’s okay or that I am okay with that.

No idea what to call what I shared with the Air Force Officer…Nebraska the Sequel comes to mind …but to me, it had more substance and connection than a mere one night stand. Or maybe I wanted it to have more. Personally, I think I will call it my Lust Affair and I am glad I got a chance to share it with you, my readers. Thank you all for sticking with me throughout this post and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading. As usual, enjoy your day!

I Like Him

I like him being in my apartment, sitting in the wingback chair with all the pillows.

I like him laying in my bed with the covers all over him.

I like seeing him asleep in my arms.

I like being pressed against him, my hands idly playing with his chest hair.

I like random conversations while we massage each other.

I like when he sits between my legs and lays his head on my thigh.

I like him watching my TV shows with me.

I like his kisses and his kink.

I like that sex with him is the result of our time together, not the reason for it.

I like how he reaches out to hold my hand or touch me to make sure I am still there.

I like that he likes to look at me.

I like how he likes the fact I have a tummy.

I like he is not intimidated by my height.

I like when he is naughty with me.

I like how he breathes in my scent before telling me how beautiful I am.

I like that he tells me constantly how happy he is to be with me.

I like that he makes me laugh and I make him laugh harder.

I like that he fills what is empty.

I like that my friends like him.

I like how he stepped up with apologies and explanations.

I like that he is truthful with me.

He doesn’t like mushrooms, mayonnaise, mustard or foods that contain them.

He likes German food, pizza, spaghetti, fried chicken (I hope)  and has a sweet tooth.

He takes forever to respond to emails and texts, but will answer his phone before the third ring.

I like how I want to fall for him.

I don’t like the fact that I can’t. It is like jumping into a pool knowing it is drained of water.

Because I know when it will end and what will end it.

Connections and Complications

I don’t know where to begin this post…I said I was not going to write anything until there was something worth talking about. Unsure if this is worth talking about but I already know this is a post just for me. I need to put in writing what has been happening with me emotionally and the one night stand (if you can even call it that) that has me all up in my head and making me realize I honestly just do not know when to let go and just let things…be.

I am going to start with last week. I have been calling Morning Person, Oscar and Cuz with rants and fears about me never finding someone. I told them all I was destined to be single forever and a part of me was okay with that because the world is filled with idiot men. I have been told that is not true, but from what I can see, I will just always be the good time girl on the side because it would appear DC is all about the instant gratification of the good parts. Of course, I am choosing to ignore the fact that I am capitalizing on that fact with my ads, so what am I expecting from my responses? Declarations of love and marriage? No, I am getting what I say I want…a transaction mutually beneficial to both parties while keeping emotional attachments at bay. So let’s keep my emotionally vulnerable state, along with me getting what I am advertising for in mind while I finish the narrative.

So earlier this week it dawned on me I had not been out of the house since I sought refuge from the heat and lack of electricity at Morning Person’s house, so I decided to get out and about. I had a groupon for a museum exhibit and had found a taker to be my partner in crime for the event off Craigslist. I got up, ignored the laundry, showered and dressed. Made it downtown to the museum and talk about a missed connection….I was in one section of the museum and dude was in another. When I did not see/find him, I considered using the groupon (good for two admissions) only for myself (dude went and found food when he did not see/find me) but by that time,  I was hot, tired, bothered…all adjectives that mean I would rather have been doing anything else but that. I swear, my body was acting as if walking were both brand new and foreign to it and it was protesting with pain; I was headachy from the heat, humidity and lack of food. I got a 5 Guys burger and came home for a nap.

Another thing that has happened this week is the arrangements have picked up somewhat. Nothing to be writing about…all the great things I say I get from them, I got from none of them this week, save one. There was Little Shrunken Dwarf Man who did not indulge in any of the fetishes he said he had, specifically foot massage and breast worship. There was the Guy from Alaska who wanted nothing but to get down to business and to get it over with. And Poindexter who had me gritting my teeth and wanting to curse him out…he had this incredibly big lollipop head , Bermuda shorts and black socks and shoes. He asked all kinds of questions and actually put his NAKED ASS on my BED. I had total conniptions…and I swear, that session was the longest 30 minutes of my life. So when the Air Force Officer sent his email, I was not in the best of moods but he seemed nice and sincere. I decided to go for it simply because he SWORE he could give a decent massage.

I blogged in an earlier post that what I wanted out of the next relationship and the best part of any relationship was stability. I have to say what I miss most is being understood, and chalk it up to the Air Force Officer being so nice, or the fact that he was attentive and I pretty much did not have to lift a finger once he walked through the door…I felt I was understood. He massaged me for a good hour while we talked and listened to music. We have the same tastes in music, books and random, quirky things. The man says he is single (no wife, girlfriend or children), based on the nickname I gave him I am sure you can figure out he is a military officer and he was stocky and good looking. We  took turns sitting in my wingback chair with the other settled between the sitter’s legs and had conversations about anything and everything. He even watched 9 ½ Weeks with me! Did I mention how well the man could kiss? He liked to touch and be touched and the compliments he gave me: I was beautiful, my “gap” was the cutest thing ever, I was sexy and proportionate, he says he dates bigger woman as a rule (he would love to find a BBW cheerleader type),  he could not understand why I was single and the man had some kink in him. He has a thing for women in cotton underwear and white cotton socks; we spanked each other…and I allowed him to be with me in my bed. (This bit of news had Morning Person dropping the phone and lighting a cigarette) Everything was great and wonderful until the end….he was dressed and ready to go (almost 5 hours after arriving) and I am not sure if he thought I was only in it for the payment or if the entire evening he was wearing a mask, but he just kind of went blank and shut down…the man left out my apartment without even a goodbye. No acknowledgement of my thank you email…seriously, WHAT is it with these men and totally ignoring my emails? And here is the thing….I actually felt (I think I did, anyway) a connection with him. I like him and want to see him again before he leaves.

But I am processing…granted, the process has gotten a little convoluted with all I know about the person I am processing over…and I am going over this before I jump out there and make a complete fool of myself. The first question is WHY do I want to see him again?  I have said it before and I will say it again: they are called one night stands for a reason. I am seeking the financial validation for a reason. The man has some Him inside of him for certain and staying away from Him and Him-related things is a priority over here right now. When I asked him why a good looking guy like him was still single, it was always a cheating girlfriend, the constant travelling/uprooting that came with military life…everything but him and Lord, did THAT ever sound familiar. The emotional shutting down after such an erotic, enjoyable encounter is another warning sign…I think the Guy from Alaska at least had a smile on his face when I left him. Then there are the questions: what if it wasn’t what I thought it was and I am seeing it the way I wanted it to be? After all, before he came over, I was bitching to Cuz about having to see the date but damn…who would pass up the chance to get massaged and paid for it?

I think I am incredibly vulnerable right now. I have had an emotional void for quite awhile and how long has it been since I have had a mental connection or unrushed random conversation with a good looking guy? Even though I have had great sex, when was the last time I have had desire? So along comes this guy who showers me with compliments, gives me this great conversation, pampers me with the massages and fetching of sodas, cigarettes and loading/unloading the blu-ray player. He listens to me, tells me how great I feel in his arms and the Him traits are probably what made Air Force Officer so familiar to me, he has that edge/kink I so crave sexually…vulnerable me who wants to know she is still young enough and sexy enough to be desired…falls into the abyss she so desperately wants to stay away from. And the sad part is…even if I sent the email (I have it written but everyone except Tiger and Oscar are against me sending it) and he responds in the positive, there will be no happy endings or happily ever afters over here. The man still has to return to his base/home on the Gulf Coast and my life (what there is of it) is here. There will be no declarations of undying love, no long distance relationship…if I am not outright rejected or ignored, there is only more night for us and that would hurt, especially if it lives up to my expectations.  Right now, there is just wondering and a somewhat decent memory. My Panel is against sending the email because they say to let him make the first move…even though his time here is limited, if he is interested, he will pursue me; but I say if I am interested, why can’t I pursue him even if only for one more night? What if he IS interested in me but thinks I am only interested in money? Maybe he has not answered the thank you email because he has been working and not had a chance to read and respond?

I don’t know…I think (correction: I KNOW)  I am not ready for a relationship. It is obvious that even with boundaries in place, I am incapable of maintaining a relationship that lasts longer than 60 minutes and I am totally ill-equipped to handle intimacy. Look at me…all this over what cannot even be called a one night stand (5 hours)…perhaps an extended mutually beneficial meeting. It is evident I am too emotionally needy and still too ready to repeat mistakes and make excuses for inexcusable things. I am complicating what should be  so simple and my biggest question is why? So as much as I don’t want to, I am going to listen to the majority and not send the email. I am going to keep my decent memory of what was shared and be thankful I had a great time with a somewhat decent guy. Fingers crossed the process helps me to fill my self-everythings a little more so I can not only handle the voids a little bit better, I am not going overboard when they get the attention they want and deserve.  

And now…after all this introspection and thinking…Air Force Officer has emailed back and wants to see me again!!! There is no question I will (Morning Person is calling an emergency meeting) and maybe even without the mutually beneficial benefits. Good grief…all I can say is stay tuned and pray for me.

The Best Part

Okay, I have had my 9 ½ Weeks fix for the next 3-4 months or so…time to leave the fantasies behind and get back into the real world. Except the real world is boring and a tad disappointing. No assignments, no job offers and while responses to my ads for the mutually beneficial arrangements are picking back up, they are being picked up by complete idiots who are not even worth the cursory thanks, but no thanks reply. Did I tell you all I actually had an offer for a real date from a guy who offered to cook dinner for me, followed by Netflix, but told me that by stepping into his apartment, I was agreeing to have sex with him. Seriously? Dude, at least offer up something I cannot do for myself  at the moment, like a night at the Kennedy Center or a Smith & Wollensky steak dinner.

 Everyone I know is broke (some broker than me and THAT is depressing), Cuz is going crazy again (at least he is just ignoring us now versus trying to drag us into it) and him/BTH are starting to stir up their drama….I swear, howhowhow are we still privy to their business when no one is snooping, spying or asking? The man should have just stayed put with me and watered our grass rather than venturing out into parts unknown looking for greener pastures. And I sincerely say that for his benefit, not mine. Hell, things are so topsy-turvy in my world right now, Sister Someone and Brother Everything have the best everythings going on right now: they seem to be happy with each other, both are working and they are indulging in all sorts of family activities for summer: bowling, beaches and amusement parks.

With everything kind of up in the air, I have decided to put forth more efforts into real dating in an attempt to find someone I can at least have a second date with if not an outright relationship with. I have decided not to go with the D/s relationship…I think I am looking for a relationship that is challenging and edgy. By challenging, I mean one that will be supportive while we encourage each other towards goals and dreams that will make us better people individually and collectively, not one where I am once again pushing round pegs into square holes. Edgy is definitely for the bedroom…I have entirely too much fascination with kink and watch too much porn to not be able to indulge in The Adventures of Dirty Boy and Naughty Girl. So while I am listening to the best music you have never heard by such groups as The Faunts, Beach House, Class Actress (Let Me Take You Out makes me want to roam the streets of the city at night with a cute guy) and Kish Mauve (standouts on their album Black Heart include: Come On, You Make Me Feel and Matthew) and smoking cigarettes, I am wondering not what I want in a relationship, but why I want one…and decided to figure out what the best part of a relationship is, at least for me and I made a list of what many would say is the best part of one to narrow down of what I am really seeking.

Cuddling: Cuddling and snuggling IS great…spooning on the couch, in the bed..clothed or naked….laying wrapped in someone’s arms is a pretty good feeling. Falling asleep listening to another’s breathing, feeling their hands in your hair, waking up with your head on their chest and/or hands intertwined….I miss that. Except I do not need to be in a relationship to cuddle. I just need to have sex…men want to cuddle and talk as much as women do afterwards and in the case of the men I come across, maybe more so.

Kissing: Again, it is great and awesome but again…no relationship needed. I have had some of the best kisses outside of relationships and I am going to attribute that to them being all first kisses…nothing beats the first kiss with a person you find attractive. Yes, I have drowned and floated from kisses administered by men who were not him, since him. The tentativeness, the exploring, the realization that the kiss can go on as long as you want (once you find out they can actually kiss). The only thing better is the person who can make every kiss the first kiss.

Dating/Hanging Out: Having that special someone to go places with, catch a movie with or dinner at the new place in town beats going solo, hands down but I do not need a relationship for that. I have Fun One for that when our schedules align and we go out on Friday nights with all the other couples. We compliment each other and make each other laugh. Tossing up a quick CL ad garners me dinner and movie dates as long as they realize to shelve expectations of dessert, which at least one person is ready to do. As for hanging out…I have an entire Panel to do that with and Girlfriend, Cuz, Busy Bee, Mini-Me, Sister Someone/Brother Everything….these members and so many more step up to make that happen.

Sex: Yes, I know how great it can be with someone you have that chemistry and connection with and that attraction for…but here is the dilemma for me. Since him and I broke up, I  have been having incredibly GREAT sex. And here I am going to tell you all a secret…with him, the sex was kind of non-existent. Don’t get me wrong, we exchanged incredible oral, foreplay was fantastic and he did make my eyes cross and I curled his toes but we had more intimacy and kink than actual intercourse because after three strokes, it was over for him. I know I claim stamina is over-rated but can I get more than three pumps to meet you on the mountaintop? Since being out of a relationship, I get massages that make me melt, oral that makes me scream out, men who worship and adore my body…..and GREAT sex. Bonus: I not only get cuddling and kissing tossed in, I also get to go shopping and/or pay bills afterwards.

These are all wonderful, essential components in a relationship, but they are all physical things. The physical is not the best part of a relationship for me. Chemistry, connections, attraction…they are random, fleeting things and no guarantee of exclusivity or longevity comes with them. All the physical responses I thought only him could elicit from me, others have done that and more. It came as a stinging surprise, but I suppose it is all part of growing up and moving on. For me, the best part of a relationship is the stability. Never have I had the stability….remember we have Married Man in my past (self-explanatory) and as for Him…that man stayed hung up on somebody else. First I had to wrestle with the Dead Ex-Wife, then do battle with Gold Digger #1…and as soon as the man was ready to begin again with a clean slate with me…he ended everything to go be with BTH. I NEED the stability this time around.

 The security of knowing that there is someone feeling the same way about you, someone you can count on at 3pm and at 3am. A person who not only tells you but shows you (on a consistent basis) that you are the priority, the person you can trust in so many ways…a person who has earned that trust and reciprocates it. The person who assuages you of your fears instead of feeding them. A person truthful with themselves first and truthful with you about the big things, the things that matter. They can certainly white lie me when I say I am fat, old and ugly….in fact, the smart guy would know NOT to feed into that, which leads to assuages and reassurances. Finding the person for whom I am (more than) enough…that would be the best part of the relationship. Stability and security means I get the first kisses every time and maybe even incredibly great sex on a regular basis…and if I am really lucky…stability/security can lead to me letting my guard down and letting lust and caring get together to create….love. Love where I wake up with a song in my heart, not dread in my tummy. Love where I know I am valued, appreciated and my emotions are not on a roller coaster every second of every day….where my efforts and investments are not met with indifference or taken for granted but instead recognized and reciprocated. I think stability will play a big role in that, but first things first…we need the first date with this guy (should he exist for me) before we can get to all the other stuff.

Hoping everyone is beating the heat and staying cool. As always, thanks for stopping and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Why I Love John Gray

I am watching 9 ½ Weeks…again. In fact, I have been up all night watching it, over and over. I think EVERYONE knows this is my favorite movie. Ever. Hands down, and perhaps I am overloading on it now because it has been far too long since I have seen it and it will be awhile before I indulge in it again. It is simply too much of something to watch on a regular basis. It is not a movie I watch out of comfort or for some sense of happiness…it fills a craving I have that one would think would fade with age and/or wisdom.  And has anyone read the book? Far more intense and exploring an aspect of D/s I have no interest in but am fascinated by. I don’t need 50 Shades of Grey…I have 9 ½ Weeks in print and on film. I swear, even after all the process (STILL going on) and progress, I want a relationship like this…well, the film version at least. In the book, Elizabeth is a pain slut with no boundaries. I don’t want pain and I do have boundaries that may come down with the right person using the right tactics at the right time. Cold cocking me or wanting me to watch bruises inflicted by you rise up against my skin is only going to land us both in jail.

But, I  do want a man like John Gray…well, not completely like John Gray (there are some unresolved issues there) but close enough. I do want a relationship with a sensual D/s undertone, where I can surrender completely on all levels and relinquish control to someone responsible enough to know what to do with it and who will know when to hand it back. I decided to write down what I love about the man and let you readers and my panel members decide if I truly need psychiatric help and stronger medications or if there are others out there like me thinking there can be some sanity, fun and a possible long term relationship possible with a man like this.

First, have you SEEN this guy? To me, there is NOTHING finer or more handsome than a young Mickey Rourke….I could look at that face all day, every day and not get tired of it. The closest I have found is Gabriel Macht who plays Harvey on the USA show Suits but it is just not the same. And I want a man whose looks are so incredibly sexy and attractive to me I could look at him all day, every day and always find something else to both like and love. It would help lots if he looked at me as if I were a young, hot Kim Basinger. I think if I wore my blonde wig and he squinted really hard, he may actually see the resemblance.

Second, the man looks GOOD in a suit. I appreciate a well-dressed man, more so than a naked man. If I am going to be honest, a young Mickey Rourke is a thin Mickey Rourke and I am not a fan of skinny/thin….I need something to hold onto, but with those looks and the way he wears his clothes…I can get over that very quickly. He is clean shaven (I like that) and his hair…he actually has some and I like how it is styled. Overall, he exudes a professional look with an edge, not to mention he is intelligent, funny in a dry way and  has interesting stories to tell.

Generosity is an important attribute in a man…and I know enough to realize generosity does not always have to be financial. John took Elizabeth out to dinners, bought her wonderful gifts, took her shopping, sent her flowers, he cooked for her AND did the dishes, the scene where he tells her how he wants to take care of her, how he wants the nights to be just for them (which means actually spending lots of time together) and the man cooked breakfast for her in the morning….did I mention he bathed her and brushed her hair on a rainy afternoon? Or the homemade chicken soup when she was sick? There is debate over whether or not the story is truth or fiction and I am going with fiction because I do not think there was ever a man like that. Good luck finding a man looking like that doing all of that.

The man is kinky as hell….and I think that can be a good thing as long as it is consensual. He was insatiable for Elizabeth and oh, to be wanted like that. He could stare at her as long as she could stare at him, and he looks to be a fantastic kisser. He was passionate. He enjoyed role-play, sexual games with blindfolds, ice cubes and food products. He wanted to not only know her fantasies, but to be the one to fulfill them. He wanted to tease her, please her, frighten and excite her…over and over again. He pushed boundaries, sometimes went too far playing the games and had disciplinarian tendencies, but overall he is my ideal of a sensual, dominant lover. I also liked the fact that while he did expect obedience, he was not looking for a pushover…he wanted a woman with her own life and who would be a challenge, and just maybe, teach him something.

Arguments…is there ever a good way to argue? One thing I liked about their arguments is that, in a perverse and totally unhealthy way, it was always a win-win.. He always got his point across (in the film at least, he would not use discipline but the threat of it)  and his way, but in the end, she could beat him up, curse him out and he would just hug her, hold her and tell her how beautiful she was. He told her in the very beginning if she did not want to do something with him, to him or for him, she can always tell him to leave. She never did… because Elizabeth did love him, she always acquiesced. The one time she didn’t, the power struggle gave them both what they wanted from the other.

Of course, I am making him sound like this wonderful, too good to be true perfect man (at least Oscar and I think he is) but he had faults and flaws: he could be incredibly emotionally unavailable and it was only after hurting Elizabeth that he could see that. He was ambiguous: when Elizabeth asked him was this a game or a relationship, he replies it can be whatever they want it to be. He did not open up about himself and his feelings until it was entirely too late. He told her he loved her but I wonder if  he meant it or if it were a tool to continue to have his way with her. I like to think he meant it. He could be controlling, selfish and incredibly manipulative and did so by exploiting her love for him but I also fault Elizabeth for that….true, it is easy to get lost and consumed by a man like that when the good times are rolling, but when he started pushing her into things she was either not into or she was unprepared for…she should have put her foot down and asserted herself. After all, there are two of them in this relationship and while she was his playmate (willingly), she was not there to be his  toy to be pushed and used at will. But that would have been a healthy move and we all know I love this movie because it is so fantastically unhealthy.

I realize that this type of man or the relationship he would offer is not for everyone…I have a friend I call Suthun Belle who swears if she were in the relationship with John Gray it would be called 9 ½ Hours because no way could she or would she put up with that crap, but I think if it were the right guy who I could look at for hours on end,  a man who would actually listen to me, who would get to know me and open up every once in awhile (where he tells her he has never felt this way before and that he saw himself in her…I melt every time) and who could take care of me and pamper me in that way…if the boundary pushing was subtle and the changes came incrementally…he could be my world, if only for a little while. Something this intense, this passionate could never be for the long term. I would have to enter into it knowing it was a fling with no chance of permanence and while my head would know it, my heart would not. But I would chance it to have the full blown John & Elizabeth experience. To paraphrase Elizabeth: “With guys, you know what will end it. That is what makes it bearable so you file it away and you wait. But this guy…I don’t know what will end it.” Yeah, I’m crazy (I am still reeling from a half-assed, not even close to John & Elizabeth experience)  so I guess it is so much for the process/progress….at least for today.

I know this post is incredibly random, definitely just for me (and Oscar) and if you stuck with it, thank you. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!




Without Power

So by now pretty much everyone knows that a huge, powerful storm swept through the Midwest and Mid-Atlantic regions Friday night. The news media is calling the storm a derecho  and minus the fancy terms and professional explanations, it boils down to being a hurricane minus the water and National Weather Service warnings. Two things stood out with the media’s explanation of this storm: first thing was the statement that only a meteorologist could have predicted this storm. Really? Well that explains why the meteorologist on my local news channel called it a severe thunderstorm….he isn’t really a meteorologist, he is simply a plain old weatherman with no idea of what the hell is going on. The second thing that struck me was when they stated that these storms hit this region every four years or so, but I find that hard to believe as no one knew that a derecho was coming and if one has seen this storm before, I think you would know it when you saw it again. But then, only meteorologists know what they are. All I know is severe storms are slamming us super early in the season and they all have names I have never heard before: microbursts, derechoes…I wonder if we are getting storm systems rare in this region or if the National Weather Service is making it up as they go along.

In any case, the storm took my power out and that was really the icing on my cake….I have been without power of a mental/emotional kind for quite awhile now. I am not going to get into the emotional/personal parts in this post…besides, we are all very familiar with my trials and tribulations on that front. With everything else, I try to keep a positive attitude and realize that things cannot always go my way and that things usually work out in the most unexpected way (when your plans fall awry, they say it is what happens instead that is the good stuff), but I have no assignments and it seems no prospects of one, no “side gigs” or arrangements are forthcoming and now to top it all off, my electricity goes out and all my wonderful groceries would have to be replaced…so I am going to have to put out money when none is coming in. Yeah, I had a HUGE argument with God about that.

But things worked out in a way I could never have imagined….it was only at night I really had to deal with the heat, and my friends and neighbors rallied around and I was not the whiny bitch I could have been. Oh, I WAS a whiny bitch (I still maintain my power went out first, so it should have come back on first) but with their thoughtfulness and being reminded by my mommy that Colorado is on fire and still no end in sight and that both coasts are feeling the wrath of Mother Nature… living in an apartment that was one step away from being deemed condemned (I at least still had running water if nothing else), I realized that this was a temporary situation with minor inconveniences. Cuz, Sister Someone/Brother Everything, Morning Person and Fun One all offered to share their creature comforts with me but I declined. Not out of pride or some sense of martyrdom but because I know I would have ended up being an inconvenience. I have my own schedule, control issues and a tendency to overcompensate so I either would have slept all day after being up all night and just been waking up when they returned from work OR I would have been up cleaning re-organizing and trying to make their space my space.

So what I did do was use groupons with a couple of neighbors on Saturday so we could eat hot food and suck up air at local restaurants (groupons…. good for survival as well as entertainment and  enjoyment); in exchange they let me sit in their cars with them so we could get more air before having to retire for the night. We chipped in and bought ice and cold drinks and we sat on the stoop introducing ourselves by first name and apartment number while trying to warn the cars speeding along our near empty street about the HUGE tree blocking the road less than half a block away and laughing when we heard the screeching of their brakes. I went to dinner with Fun One to celebrate his birthday where we ate yummy steaks and chicken breasts so tender, juicy and delicious I swear one asked to marry me. Afterwards, we danced!! Not for long but it was so FUN and freeing and I realized in that moment what people mean when they say to ENJOY being single.

Morning Person agreed to house my meats if I could salvage them and I spent Sunday with her eating steak and cheese subs while pretty much taking over her computer, telephone and outlets. She baked me some cookies (I had two packs of ready to bake cookies), we went through some of her pictures and laughed, talked and smoked. I honestly did not want to leave her house, but I had taken up pretty much her entire afternoon and had to face home sooner or later. And when I got home, my neighbors and I once again sat outdoors until the sun set…and that is when we noticed the street lights were on!! Looking behind us, our halls were once again lit up and we all ran indoors to try to cool our houses down.

I have not seen anyone today as we all pretty much went back to our own lives once power was restored and I am finally now seeing the news and the extent of damage caused by the storm. And now that I am no longer in misery (LORD, does it love company!), I hope and pray for everyone in the area to have their power restored as quickly as possible. The victims of the Colorado wildfires are in my prayers more than ever…the significance of having to start over with nothing more than the clothes on my back and my memories…my life up in smoke and reduced to ashes…I still cannot comprehend having to do that. Being without power has shown me that I am in control of absolutely NOTHING except how I choose to respond to what life throws at me and I still have some growing up to do in that area.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day! Hoping this post finds all my readers with a roof over their heads and creature comforts to enjoy.