I was going to name this post SNAFU (Situation Normal, All Fucked Up ) but went with Clusterfuck, which is defined as a situation in which multiple things have gone wrong. There is no other word for what is going on right now. It is too much, too fast and of course it happens when I am finally resolving the AFO drama (that can be called a snafu) within myself. Yes, I said I was okay and was at peace with the entire thing but you know me….I still thought he was different and we could make this work somehow despite the HUGE red flags that were every freaking where. Because I still think somehow, in some way, my situations are different and didn’t I deserve a chance with someone single, good looking and who I finally had something in common with? And THIS is what I blogged about myself before: I stopped looking for the one and settled (in too many ways) for a man. A man who was breathing with a penis and who said nice things to me and who managed to treat me decently and with a semblance of respect for a full 60+ consecutive (that part is important!) hours before letting the crazy out.
And I am going to say this next admission is what started the clusterfuck ball to rolling. I have to be truthful with myself, my Panel and my readers….I gave AFO the complete Him treatment. Letting him lay naked in my bed, giving him all of my attention, cooking for him and having unprotected sex. I did not want to tell anyone that because I am such an advocate for safe sex, especially with the online dudes. I mean, you HAVE to protect yourself…if you do not care about your sexual health and personal safety…who will? So I told a few Panel members and they went ballistic!! I did not tell because I am burning or have itchy, smelly symptoms, but we are going to the clinic to make sure everything is still in working order….I told because someone other than myself needs to know just how much I put myself out there with yet another guy who proved to be not worth the effort. I mean, if you know me at all or have gotten any type of feel for me via this blog, you know me going bareback with a guy pretty much means I have decided that this guy is with me for the long term and he is my Chosen One. Well, he wasn’t so I had an adventure with the wrong one (again) and now it is time to learn the lessons and move on.
I had JUST reached this realization (and that crappy feeling when you finally force yourself to face the truth and the role you played in it) when my phone rang and it was Sister Someone, who said two things that made me bang my head against the table. First she says she does not want things to be awkward and strange between us because she is marrying Brother Everything and that she was going to refinance her house to pay for her wedding. Somehow, in my disbelief and shock, I managed to ask her was refinancing a good idea? Her plan was to have a huge ring and an extravagant honeymoon and a smaller wedding, and going into further debt simply was not a good idea at this time. Hell, go to the Justice of the Peace and have a hellified reception and extravagant honeymoon. But this is Sister Someone….the same chick who had a wedding planner at her home five hours after the proposal….and she has decided that all the world shall see her as a bride. Period. This will be her one and only and she plans to make it THE event of the year. Then I asked her what did she mean things being strange and awkward between us? I hold NO romantic feelings towards Brother Everything and THIS chick come back with: well, I am landing my dream man and yours left you to marry someone else. Oh, it stung readers…it stung BAD but I kept my composure. I let her know that once upon a time I was devastated and hurt beyond belief but I have healed and progressed somewhat. Him made choices for the both of us and I am doing pretty well with the hand I have been dealt…someday my prince will come. The hard part is dodging all the frogs. And this heifer says certainly him is a fool and she is sure I will find my someone one day. Maybe.
So before I can even think of a comeback for this smug, delusional chick…my phone rings again. Thank God! And the clusterfuck ramped itself up three notches….and I cannot discuss it in detail. It concerns our resident Chicken Little (him) and it looks like the sky may actually be falling this time. The rumors and speculations are incredible, unbelievable and have us keeping quiet because legal ramifications could actually come about if we do not have proof and verification of these things. I will put it this way….things are so bad in that camp Quiet One and Artsy Craftsy are suggesting I break the no communication rule to reach out to at least let him know that he needs to burst his bubbles, grab his two outfits and run. We are working now on research, verifying and if possible, gathering hard evidence so we can at least freely talk about this subject if nothing else. THIS is a convoluted clusterfuck that has me wondering who the hell drank my Pepsis and thinking no way will this one pack of cigarettes last the night because I have to really think about this.
First, what good would reaching out do? I have already stated and firmly believe that the man would not accept my help if I were the last bitch on earth. Not to mention I am now wondering why should I help him? You do what you do, you get what you get. Second…NONE of this is our business and we accept that. Yet, he keeps putting the most ridiculous of shit out there to pretty much make it our business and regardless of who him is now, once upon a time, the man had the friendship and respect of both myself and the Islanders. And we are not looking to stir up or create drama but to try to reverse the downward spiral the man we used to know is now on, but how can we? Him has denial, delusion and pride/ego so stubborn when it comes to admitting mistakes or he is wrong…it is like throwing rocks at a tree….all they do is ricochet and fall to the ground. But, what if this time is different? What if the help is accepted? What if, for the first time in a long time, the efforts were recognized, acknowledged and appreciated?
Okay, so I am done writing what I can about what is going on. I need to grab a shower, toss in some laundry and try to talk some type of sense into Sister Someone after I curse her out. I need Oscar to give me a little more info about her news so I can write that post and the draft email is still up in the air. Stay tuned.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!