I am writing the Sister Someone/Brother Everything post…I swear I am….but I am diverted. The more I think and write and consult notes/members for verification, the more pissed I become. And to top it all off, I am reading an email from NEBRASKA of all people, and that has pushed me into a pissy party. Not a pity party…I am not feeling sorry for myself by a long shot, but I am angry. Angry at the hypocrisy and circumstances and unfairness and angry with myself. So let’s just jump into it because the sooner I purge myself of these negative feelings, the sooner I can approach this convoluted mess that has landed in our laps with fairness, objectivity and some sense of clarity.
I am going to start with the email…in it, Nebraska basically says he will not be seeing me because he sees I still have my ad up and it is evident I will not be willing to accommodate his schedule or give him what he is looking for. First, I am not angry that the man will not see me and however you wish to word it so your ego is intact is fine with me. What DOES piss me off is the fact that during the 4 months he has been emailing, he was promising dinners, overnight visits and touristy attraction stuff…yet, when I remind him of what HE put out there with no coaching from me…he wants to get pissed that I am actually going to hold him to his word. NOW, he wants quickies and for me to be at his doorstep when he beckons. No dinners, no conversations and for sure no overnights. WHYWHYWHY do men put men shit out there if they do not want you to pick it up? Granted, I am not seeing the man for a number of other reasons, but that question sticks in my craw. Secondly (and I am going to put Air Force Officer in with this)….what the HELL is it with me posting an ad that pisses them off? If it weren’t for chicks like me posting the ad, those sons of bitches would have nothing to read! And to be angry that I am posting when they are obviously reading and searching….does ANYONE other than MYSELF see the hypocrisy in that? Not EVEN going to get into the fact that I met each of them via an ad, neither of them are offering me anything that would/could last outside of a week…yet, because I met THEM, the ad is supposed to come down? Suck my dick and since I seem to have the only pair in the room…lick my balls while you are down there.
When it comes to the ads, I would hope that I have revealed enough of myself and my issues so you guys know I am just not some random whore or trick chick looking to get over or skate by. I WANT to work, I WANT a full-fledged, monogamous, committed relationship. I honestly do….I have had tastes of relationships here and there and I want to eat the entire meal, not sample from plates. The mutually beneficial ads are a two-fold survival tool….it helps stretch the unemployment dollars a little further when the temp agencies are slow (as they have been all summer) and my resume is overlooked/ignored. And it helps me with the relationship and validation issues…I realize that this is an instant gratification society and frankly, if you are going to use me, I am going to use you. And using a man sexually is not using him…it is giving him what he wants…so he gets a win-win and I get left feeling used, dirty and unwanted. I am going to be truthful…the WORST part about the Air Force Officer drama is the fact that he has yet to send me an email saying…anything. It is like I never existed…and that taints the happiness I felt when we were together. I feel worse freely being with him and then ignored than if I were a $20 street walker making $300 a day. (That ‘s a lot of working right there!) I also realize that I am not going to find this happily ever after I want via the ads, and my mistake with AFO was mixing business with pleasure.
Which brings me to the Sister Someone update blog post…I am no longer jealous (thanks to UTA, Cuz and Morning Person) but now I am incredibly angry and frustrated. When I like a guy….when I am into a guy….you will not and cannot find a more loyal, caring, loving sweetheart of a woman. I am cooking, cleaning, touching, listening…everything that men say they want in a woman…AND I am kinky and never get headaches! I have no children, pets or roommates so I can devote my entire attention to the man in question….and for all that I offer, I may as well be a naked woman in a room full of blind men. WHAT do the Sister Someones and BTHs have that I don’t? Do they play hard to get, do they use voodoo? I already know in the case of Sister Someone she bought her own ring and probably a gun to hold it to Brother Everything’s head but I don’t want relationships or commitments that are shams, one-sided or built on fear. I want to love and care and be loved and cared for. I want reciprocity and a meeting of equals on all levels: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I no longer even have the ad up online looking for an LTR (long term relationship)…I am going out into the real world somewhat…the heat fries and melts the fat from ass which isn’t pretty…because I feel that is where the real men are. The men who are working on their issues, who are not shallow and superficial and won’t state their physical expectations for a woman as if they were ordering a meal at a lunch counter. I want a man who will see me, who will know that the unexpected can be the best thing ever to happen and who realizes that chemistry and attraction are two different things. Someone who will look for character and values and be willing to build on a foundation of trust and friendship. And of course, I also have to be mindful that I am seeking for the Higher Power’s will for me, not for my will to be fulfilled….so maybe I just lost my perspective a little (I still stand by my rants/vents in the second paragraph) and got caught up in frustration.
I am better now…thank you so much for letting me rant and vent. Now, back to the blog post that started it all. It will be up soon, I promise. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!