I don’t know where to begin this post…I said I was not going to write anything until there was something worth talking about. Unsure if this is worth talking about but I already know this is a post just for me. I need to put in writing what has been happening with me emotionally and the one night stand (if you can even call it that) that has me all up in my head and making me realize I honestly just do not know when to let go and just let things…be.
I am going to start with last week. I have been calling Morning Person, Oscar and Cuz with rants and fears about me never finding someone. I told them all I was destined to be single forever and a part of me was okay with that because the world is filled with idiot men. I have been told that is not true, but from what I can see, I will just always be the good time girl on the side because it would appear DC is all about the instant gratification of the good parts. Of course, I am choosing to ignore the fact that I am capitalizing on that fact with my ads, so what am I expecting from my responses? Declarations of love and marriage? No, I am getting what I say I want…a transaction mutually beneficial to both parties while keeping emotional attachments at bay. So let’s keep my emotionally vulnerable state, along with me getting what I am advertising for in mind while I finish the narrative.
So earlier this week it dawned on me I had not been out of the house since I sought refuge from the heat and lack of electricity at Morning Person’s house, so I decided to get out and about. I had a groupon for a museum exhibit and had found a taker to be my partner in crime for the event off Craigslist. I got up, ignored the laundry, showered and dressed. Made it downtown to the museum and talk about a missed connection….I was in one section of the museum and dude was in another. When I did not see/find him, I considered using the groupon (good for two admissions) only for myself (dude went and found food when he did not see/find me) but by that time, I was hot, tired, bothered…all adjectives that mean I would rather have been doing anything else but that. I swear, my body was acting as if walking were both brand new and foreign to it and it was protesting with pain; I was headachy from the heat, humidity and lack of food. I got a 5 Guys burger and came home for a nap.
Another thing that has happened this week is the arrangements have picked up somewhat. Nothing to be writing about…all the great things I say I get from them, I got from none of them this week, save one. There was Little Shrunken Dwarf Man who did not indulge in any of the fetishes he said he had, specifically foot massage and breast worship. There was the Guy from Alaska who wanted nothing but to get down to business and to get it over with. And Poindexter who had me gritting my teeth and wanting to curse him out…he had this incredibly big lollipop head , Bermuda shorts and black socks and shoes. He asked all kinds of questions and actually put his NAKED ASS on my BED. I had total conniptions…and I swear, that session was the longest 30 minutes of my life. So when the Air Force Officer sent his email, I was not in the best of moods but he seemed nice and sincere. I decided to go for it simply because he SWORE he could give a decent massage.
I blogged in an earlier post that what I wanted out of the next relationship and the best part of any relationship was stability. I have to say what I miss most is being understood, and chalk it up to the Air Force Officer being so nice, or the fact that he was attentive and I pretty much did not have to lift a finger once he walked through the door…I felt I was understood. He massaged me for a good hour while we talked and listened to music. We have the same tastes in music, books and random, quirky things. The man says he is single (no wife, girlfriend or children), based on the nickname I gave him I am sure you can figure out he is a military officer and he was stocky and good looking. We took turns sitting in my wingback chair with the other settled between the sitter’s legs and had conversations about anything and everything. He even watched 9 ½ Weeks with me! Did I mention how well the man could kiss? He liked to touch and be touched and the compliments he gave me: I was beautiful, my “gap” was the cutest thing ever, I was sexy and proportionate, he says he dates bigger woman as a rule (he would love to find a BBW cheerleader type), he could not understand why I was single and the man had some kink in him. He has a thing for women in cotton underwear and white cotton socks; we spanked each other…and I allowed him to be with me in my bed. (This bit of news had Morning Person dropping the phone and lighting a cigarette) Everything was great and wonderful until the end….he was dressed and ready to go (almost 5 hours after arriving) and I am not sure if he thought I was only in it for the payment or if the entire evening he was wearing a mask, but he just kind of went blank and shut down…the man left out my apartment without even a goodbye. No acknowledgement of my thank you email…seriously, WHAT is it with these men and totally ignoring my emails? And here is the thing….I actually felt (I think I did, anyway) a connection with him. I like him and want to see him again before he leaves.
But I am processing…granted, the process has gotten a little convoluted with all I know about the person I am processing over…and I am going over this before I jump out there and make a complete fool of myself. The first question is WHY do I want to see him again? I have said it before and I will say it again: they are called one night stands for a reason. I am seeking the financial validation for a reason. The man has some Him inside of him for certain and staying away from Him and Him-related things is a priority over here right now. When I asked him why a good looking guy like him was still single, it was always a cheating girlfriend, the constant travelling/uprooting that came with military life…everything but him and Lord, did THAT ever sound familiar. The emotional shutting down after such an erotic, enjoyable encounter is another warning sign…I think the Guy from Alaska at least had a smile on his face when I left him. Then there are the questions: what if it wasn’t what I thought it was and I am seeing it the way I wanted it to be? After all, before he came over, I was bitching to Cuz about having to see the date but damn…who would pass up the chance to get massaged and paid for it?
I think I am incredibly vulnerable right now. I have had an emotional void for quite awhile and how long has it been since I have had a mental connection or unrushed random conversation with a good looking guy? Even though I have had great sex, when was the last time I have had desire? So along comes this guy who showers me with compliments, gives me this great conversation, pampers me with the massages and fetching of sodas, cigarettes and loading/unloading the blu-ray player. He listens to me, tells me how great I feel in his arms and the Him traits are probably what made Air Force Officer so familiar to me, he has that edge/kink I so crave sexually…vulnerable me who wants to know she is still young enough and sexy enough to be desired…falls into the abyss she so desperately wants to stay away from. And the sad part is…even if I sent the email (I have it written but everyone except Tiger and Oscar are against me sending it) and he responds in the positive, there will be no happy endings or happily ever afters over here. The man still has to return to his base/home on the Gulf Coast and my life (what there is of it) is here. There will be no declarations of undying love, no long distance relationship…if I am not outright rejected or ignored, there is only more night for us and that would hurt, especially if it lives up to my expectations. Right now, there is just wondering and a somewhat decent memory. My Panel is against sending the email because they say to let him make the first move…even though his time here is limited, if he is interested, he will pursue me; but I say if I am interested, why can’t I pursue him even if only for one more night? What if he IS interested in me but thinks I am only interested in money? Maybe he has not answered the thank you email because he has been working and not had a chance to read and respond?
I don’t know…I think (correction: I KNOW) I am not ready for a relationship. It is obvious that even with boundaries in place, I am incapable of maintaining a relationship that lasts longer than 60 minutes and I am totally ill-equipped to handle intimacy. Look at me…all this over what cannot even be called a one night stand (5 hours)…perhaps an extended mutually beneficial meeting. It is evident I am too emotionally needy and still too ready to repeat mistakes and make excuses for inexcusable things. I am complicating what should be so simple and my biggest question is why? So as much as I don’t want to, I am going to listen to the majority and not send the email. I am going to keep my decent memory of what was shared and be thankful I had a great time with a somewhat decent guy. Fingers crossed the process helps me to fill my self-everythings a little more so I can not only handle the voids a little bit better, I am not going overboard when they get the attention they want and deserve.
And now…after all this introspection and thinking…Air Force Officer has emailed back and wants to see me again!!! There is no question I will (Morning Person is calling an emergency meeting) and maybe even without the mutually beneficial benefits. Good grief…all I can say is stay tuned and pray for me.