Okay, I have had my 9 ½ Weeks fix for the next 3-4 months or so…time to leave the fantasies behind and get back into the real world. Except the real world is boring and a tad disappointing. No assignments, no job offers and while responses to my ads for the mutually beneficial arrangements are picking back up, they are being picked up by complete idiots who are not even worth the cursory thanks, but no thanks reply. Did I tell you all I actually had an offer for a real date from a guy who offered to cook dinner for me, followed by Netflix, but told me that by stepping into his apartment, I was agreeing to have sex with him. Seriously? Dude, at least offer up something I cannot do for myself at the moment, like a night at the Kennedy Center or a Smith & Wollensky steak dinner.
Everyone I know is broke (some broker than me and THAT is depressing), Cuz is going crazy again (at least he is just ignoring us now versus trying to drag us into it) and him/BTH are starting to stir up their drama….I swear, howhowhow are we still privy to their business when no one is snooping, spying or asking? The man should have just stayed put with me and watered our grass rather than venturing out into parts unknown looking for greener pastures. And I sincerely say that for his benefit, not mine. Hell, things are so topsy-turvy in my world right now, Sister Someone and Brother Everything have the best everythings going on right now: they seem to be happy with each other, both are working and they are indulging in all sorts of family activities for summer: bowling, beaches and amusement parks.
With everything kind of up in the air, I have decided to put forth more efforts into real dating in an attempt to find someone I can at least have a second date with if not an outright relationship with. I have decided not to go with the D/s relationship…I think I am looking for a relationship that is challenging and edgy. By challenging, I mean one that will be supportive while we encourage each other towards goals and dreams that will make us better people individually and collectively, not one where I am once again pushing round pegs into square holes. Edgy is definitely for the bedroom…I have entirely too much fascination with kink and watch too much porn to not be able to indulge in The Adventures of Dirty Boy and Naughty Girl. So while I am listening to the best music you have never heard by such groups as The Faunts, Beach House, Class Actress (Let Me Take You Out makes me want to roam the streets of the city at night with a cute guy) and Kish Mauve (standouts on their album Black Heart include: Come On, You Make Me Feel and Matthew) and smoking cigarettes, I am wondering not what I want in a relationship, but why I want one…and decided to figure out what the best part of a relationship is, at least for me and I made a list of what many would say is the best part of one to narrow down of what I am really seeking.
Cuddling: Cuddling and snuggling IS great…spooning on the couch, in the bed..clothed or naked….laying wrapped in someone’s arms is a pretty good feeling. Falling asleep listening to another’s breathing, feeling their hands in your hair, waking up with your head on their chest and/or hands intertwined….I miss that. Except I do not need to be in a relationship to cuddle. I just need to have sex…men want to cuddle and talk as much as women do afterwards and in the case of the men I come across, maybe more so.
Kissing: Again, it is great and awesome but again…no relationship needed. I have had some of the best kisses outside of relationships and I am going to attribute that to them being all first kisses…nothing beats the first kiss with a person you find attractive. Yes, I have drowned and floated from kisses administered by men who were not him, since him. The tentativeness, the exploring, the realization that the kiss can go on as long as you want (once you find out they can actually kiss). The only thing better is the person who can make every kiss the first kiss.
Dating/Hanging Out: Having that special someone to go places with, catch a movie with or dinner at the new place in town beats going solo, hands down but I do not need a relationship for that. I have Fun One for that when our schedules align and we go out on Friday nights with all the other couples. We compliment each other and make each other laugh. Tossing up a quick CL ad garners me dinner and movie dates as long as they realize to shelve expectations of dessert, which at least one person is ready to do. As for hanging out…I have an entire Panel to do that with and Girlfriend, Cuz, Busy Bee, Mini-Me, Sister Someone/Brother Everything….these members and so many more step up to make that happen.
Sex: Yes, I know how great it can be with someone you have that chemistry and connection with and that attraction for…but here is the dilemma for me. Since him and I broke up, I have been having incredibly GREAT sex. And here I am going to tell you all a secret…with him, the sex was kind of non-existent. Don’t get me wrong, we exchanged incredible oral, foreplay was fantastic and he did make my eyes cross and I curled his toes but we had more intimacy and kink than actual intercourse because after three strokes, it was over for him. I know I claim stamina is over-rated but can I get more than three pumps to meet you on the mountaintop? Since being out of a relationship, I get massages that make me melt, oral that makes me scream out, men who worship and adore my body…..and GREAT sex. Bonus: I not only get cuddling and kissing tossed in, I also get to go shopping and/or pay bills afterwards.
These are all wonderful, essential components in a relationship, but they are all physical things. The physical is not the best part of a relationship for me. Chemistry, connections, attraction…they are random, fleeting things and no guarantee of exclusivity or longevity comes with them. All the physical responses I thought only him could elicit from me, others have done that and more. It came as a stinging surprise, but I suppose it is all part of growing up and moving on. For me, the best part of a relationship is the stability. Never have I had the stability….remember we have Married Man in my past (self-explanatory) and as for Him…that man stayed hung up on somebody else. First I had to wrestle with the Dead Ex-Wife, then do battle with Gold Digger #1…and as soon as the man was ready to begin again with a clean slate with me…he ended everything to go be with BTH. I NEED the stability this time around.
The security of knowing that there is someone feeling the same way about you, someone you can count on at 3pm and at 3am. A person who not only tells you but shows you (on a consistent basis) that you are the priority, the person you can trust in so many ways…a person who has earned that trust and reciprocates it. The person who assuages you of your fears instead of feeding them. A person truthful with themselves first and truthful with you about the big things, the things that matter. They can certainly white lie me when I say I am fat, old and ugly….in fact, the smart guy would know NOT to feed into that, which leads to assuages and reassurances. Finding the person for whom I am (more than) enough…that would be the best part of the relationship. Stability and security means I get the first kisses every time and maybe even incredibly great sex on a regular basis…and if I am really lucky…stability/security can lead to me letting my guard down and letting lust and caring get together to create….love. Love where I wake up with a song in my heart, not dread in my tummy. Love where I know I am valued, appreciated and my emotions are not on a roller coaster every second of every day….where my efforts and investments are not met with indifference or taken for granted but instead recognized and reciprocated. I think stability will play a big role in that, but first things first…we need the first date with this guy (should he exist for me) before we can get to all the other stuff.
Hoping everyone is beating the heat and staying cool. As always, thanks for stopping and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!