Mind Your Business

I have been being social…in the past three days I have had dinner dates, saw the most awesome movie (Beasts of the Southern Wild…if it is playing in your city, I strongly urge you to see it), and went to a museum exhibit celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Titanic (and her sinking). I am going to say I have been flirted with but more than likely they were backhanded compliments…the cashier at the movie theater gave me a $3 discount on my movie ticket, except he gave me the senior citizen discount. And please note that one has to be 62 and above to qualify for that. Then some guy…younger, taller (than me) approached me on the street saying he loved a tall, pretty girl. Except he was wandering the streets of downtown aimlessly at 10pm (which tells me he had no destination or agenda), had no cell phone and looked to be still in college. Maybe he thought I was a sugar mama? Because while I pride myself on my youthful looks and demeanor, no way would I be mistaken for a anyone below the age of 35. Oh, did I tell you that when I left one of the restaurants, the waiter came behind me and my party to thank us for our patronage and caught me scratching my ass?

In between the socialization and the ass scratching, I have been trying to build a case to approach both Sister Someone and Him about their respective situations (I simply can no longer refer to them as relationships/marriages) and the impending explosions that await them. Trust and believe, things are going to be exploding all around us and I am really not trying to have a casualty count. So my thinking was if I present them with a rundown of facts both heard and observed….if I tell them I am doing this with their best interest at heart and to prevent further hurt and heartbreak, would they listen or would they view it as I do at times…who am I to be the one to shatter the delusions? I built some strong cases which I have outlined below and reached a unanimous decision for both of them which I think everyone will agree with.

Sister Someone:  The woman is a liar and a half filled with delusions, denial and illusions of grandeur. She has bought into the hype and believes it in a way that defies logic and explanation. I mean, this is a woman who has admitted to having had a wedding planner on retainer since she first met Brother Everything (and it is statements like this along with the illogical actions that have led Artsy Craftsy and Morning Person to declare they would rather I re-hash every Him incident or build up a fantasy romance with Air Force Officer than read about anymore of SS/BE’s antics). The girl is ready to hitch her wagon to his star and as her friend, I think she should know the entire story behind his return and his change of heart. I mean, wouldn’t you want to know that the man simply proposed because you made him, or that he’s saying he will “more than likely probably will marry you since you led him to slaughter”? That the man is still having lunches with the Ex or that he considers you to be not a bad catch because you give decent oral. Does she not realize that she is being used in all ways simply so he does not have to go out and actually work for and earn the basic things like shelter, food and cable? I would like to think I would want to know….but I already know Sister Someone won’t. You can talk to her and talk to her, and sometimes it sinks in. You know it has because she gets super quiet and then…she twists it around so it fits her fantasy. And I already know what will happen if I open my mouth and lay the cards on the table: she will run to Brother Everything, he will call me a jealous liar and she will come running back only to flip the table over and say: LOOK what happened to your cards! They are all topsy turvy. Oh, well. She won’t care what BE’s motivations are for marrying her….all she knows is she will be getting married and she will have her family, forever and ever. If I tell her what is really going on, I will be a bitter, lonely woman trying to kill her dream. DC, the Dream Killer. That’s me.

Him: I have no idea why I am even considering this. I mean, I know Artsy Craftsy, Chef , Quiet One and myself were going to create a sub-Panel and be like renegades to attempt some type of intervention but we have all had time to think this over. Him will not listen…unsure if it is the denial settling in further or the fact that I would be the messenger, but if I laid cards on the table with him, the man would not even see the table, let alone the cards. I would be unable to speak freely with him because then he would think one of three things: I am a psychic, I am a psycho stalker or that information has been leaked (him will not realize that it all came from him)…and some of what we know, we REALLY are not supposed to know, so I am jeopardizing livelihoods and professional relationships and reputations. Besides that, in his own way, him is as far gone as Sister Someone. The man is a Department Manager and has all kinds of rumors and speculations floating around about him….in the office. Subordinates, peers and supervisors…all know and hear and speculate. Call me crazy, but a member of management should be an example not only professionally but personally…who wants to work for someone whose every action is questioned? Who wants to work for/under someone who cannot manage his own household or his finances? So I would be fussing over that simply because I knew who him was BEFORE BTH and then I would come across as not only a hater bitch who needs to be reported to him’s wife (so she can attempt to fight this “battle” for him) or as a Nosy Parker trying to tell him how to live his life. Which is another point….him will never see I am simply trying to be a friend….the man has always over looked the fact I never told him to NOT marry BTH, I never begged him to come back to me. I poured my heart out to him in the beginning telling him how much I loved him and to please tell me what I did wrong. I was met with silence and cruelty but I never once tried to change him’s mind or mindset. Instead, I focused on trying to maintain a (one sided) friendship which was also taken the wrong way (anyone remember Hater Bitch?) and now that I have accepted the hardest thing…that him never wanted me at least in the long term….that thiswhatever it is… is what him wanted, this where him chose to be and apparently STILL chooses to be despite the sky falling in huge chunks around him…I have to remember that. Sure, I would be making different choices (first one would have been not to get married to someone such as BTH) but him is not me. So do I risk starting up the war again which involves engaging in combat with BTH and being misunderstood all the way around? Do I put forth the efforts necessary and hope that enough shit has hit the fan him has finally removed his head from his ass? Or do I sit back, grab some popcorn and watch the show?

I have decided that in both cases, I am leaving things alone and minding my business (unless the crazy escalates to heights unheard of…then sheer nosiness will take over). Some lessons HAVE to be learned the hard way and people have to shatter their denial in their own way and time. My only request is that both Sister Someone and Him start minding their business….no one in the office needs to know what goes on in their households, and yes, SS is guilty of that also. Stop dragging others into their drama and mess. Buy clothes…him is looking like a popsicle stick in retro clothing and Sister Someone is becoming Mrs. Jack Sprat…and not from the bargain box of a thrift store. No need for public announcements that only add fuel to the fire, instead how about nipping the gossip in the bud? Oh, and I have an additional request of myself…STOP picking up the crap people throw out there. Not everyone is sending out an SOS…sometimes they just want to talk about them and no response or advice is necessary. And if they ARE sending one out, let them have the balls to come to you with it. Let the crazy run its course…just don’t let it get on you.

Well, I guess that’s it and that’s all regarding whether or not I will draft emails/make phone calls, but we are still researching and trying to verify the stories. I am telling you, if we can do that….it will make for one helluva blog post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Embarazada

The crazy is still going on…frankly, I think it has just started and will only get worse…but today is not a day for crazy. Today, I am striving for normalcy and would enjoy some company. Join me, won’t you? Today, I am being a Domestic Diva…folding/putting away laundry, cooking dinner (meatloaf with mashed potatoes and peas), renewing my driver’s license, running up to the post office and maybe stopping off at the nail salon. Normal, everyday stuff while I listen to my new favorite music find. I like to call it a Zen/House Dub fusion and so far this morning, it has helped me keep calm and stay in a good frame of mind.

So I have been telling you guys that Oscar has HUGE news…and yes, I have her permission this time to tell it. Actually, she is a little pouty I have NOT told the news yet, but I had to wrap my head around it first, then I got sidetracked with the Air Force Officer and then we got bombarded with Crazyfest. Our resident wild child is PREGNANT…for real this time. The first reports turned out to be not only in haste but also false. It wasn’t planned but that doesn’t matter…the child is already loved and wanted more than anything. I have named her Kayla (we do not know the baby’s sex yet but I have a thing for baby girls and apparently girl’s names that start with the letter K. Remember I named K-Bugg Katelyn.) but will call her Pumpkin. Whatever it is, whatever Oscar names it…it will always be Pumpkin…well, my Pumpkin anyway.

It has taken me a minute to get to this place…I lovelovelove Oscar. She is my baby sister, the daughter I have managed to avoid having, my best friend, my understanding, my BFF and my soul mate. I know what she does not tell anyone else, can grasp why she does what she does. When she first told me the news, I had to hold my tongue. I was stunned and all kinds of scenarios and thoughts were running through my head, none of which I could tell her because when it comes to this topic/issue, there are no options or alternatives for Oscar. She will be having and keeping her baby. But I thought of how hard it is for her right now with only one child, the stalling and setbacks both professionally and personally, how prone she is to both emotional and mental mood swings and I wondered what the HELL are we going to do??  And I knew until I could see what Oscar saw, I had to shut the fuck up because no one is in a position to judge or pass judgment; no one wants or needs to be preached to (and I would have PREACHED like pastor on Sunday morning). Oscar needed a friend and advice on how to proceed with her decision, not to be told how to live her life. New Panel motto: if you can’t help, don’t hurt.

New Mommy and Bell Pepper helped me to realize that this really is a blessing…all babies are. Of course we all want ideal circumstances and the perfect time for such things but if we wait for those things…it will never happen. NO ONE is ever ready for a baby and while material things are great and necessary…you need love to raise a baby. Unconditional love and Oscar has that in abundance. You need a support system and Oscar has that in the Panel, her family and her social circle. And one thing I think is GREAT is that Oscar and Chef (of all people) have formed an incredible bond, and Chef is filled with care, worry and concern for her and the baby. So I am starting to get really excited….a baby is a new beginning. So many firsts….first smile, first word, first smile, first laugh…and all the innumerable first things babies do. Pumpkin is due in late winter….maybe he/she will share birthday parties with KBugg and how excited will KBugg be to have a new playmate she can boss and bully around, although I will justify that by saying KBugg will simply be asserting herself. Baby Oscar will be a big brother (finally) and can be Mommy’s Little Helper.

Yes, life will be a bit more difficult but Higher Power helps us handle what we are given…and the rewards will be so worth it. So Oscar, I am doing more than accepting/respecting your decision. I am rejoicing in your happiness with you and will be there every step of the way with the pregnancy and beyond. You were right all along….there was never anything but good in this situation. I kept focusing on the causes and possible/potential effects….not what was born (no pun intended) from them. Congratulations, Mommy!!

Okay, I am going to wrap this post up so I can get some chores done, errands run (Oscar won’t mind since one of my mailings is to her) and enjoy a day of what hopefully will be peace and normalcy. And now… my phone is ringing….it’s Brother Everything. I refuse to answer it right now…I am filled with peace, happiness and new baby love.

I will be back soon…as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

Clusterf*ck

I was going to name this post SNAFU (Situation Normal, All Fucked Up ) but went with Clusterfuck,  which is defined as a situation in which multiple things have gone wrong. There is no other word for what is going on right now. It is too much, too fast and  of course it happens when I am finally resolving the AFO drama (that can be called a snafu) within myself. Yes, I said I was okay and was at peace with the entire thing but you know me….I still thought he was different and we could make this work somehow despite the HUGE red flags that were every freaking where. Because I still think somehow, in some way,  my situations are different and didn’t I deserve a chance with someone single, good looking and who I finally had something in common with? And THIS is what I blogged about myself before: I stopped looking for the one and settled (in too many ways) for a man. A man who was breathing with a penis and who said nice things to me and who managed to treat me decently and with a semblance of respect for a full 60+  consecutive (that part is important!) hours before letting the crazy out.

And I am going to say this next admission is what started the clusterfuck ball to rolling. I have to be truthful with myself, my Panel and my readers….I gave AFO the complete Him treatment. Letting him lay naked in my bed, giving him all of my attention, cooking for him and having unprotected sex. I did not want to tell anyone that because I am such an advocate for safe sex, especially with the online dudes. I mean, you HAVE to protect yourself…if you do not care about your sexual health and personal safety…who will? So I told a few Panel members and they went ballistic!! I did not tell because I am burning or have itchy, smelly symptoms, but we are going to the clinic to make sure everything is still in working order….I told because someone other than myself needs to know just how much I put myself out there with yet another guy who proved to be not worth the effort. I mean, if you know me at all or have gotten any type of feel for me via this blog, you know me going bareback with a guy pretty much means I have decided that this guy is with me for the long term and he is my Chosen One. Well, he wasn’t so I had an adventure with the wrong one (again) and now it is time to learn the lessons and move on.

I had JUST reached this realization (and that crappy feeling when you finally force yourself to face the truth and the role you played in it) when my phone rang and it was Sister Someone, who said two things that made me bang my head against the table. First she says she does not want things to be awkward and strange between us because she is marrying Brother Everything and that she was going to refinance her house to pay for her wedding. Somehow, in my disbelief and shock, I managed to ask her was refinancing a good idea? Her plan was to have a huge ring and an extravagant honeymoon and a smaller wedding, and going into further debt simply was not a good idea at this time. Hell, go to the Justice of the Peace and have a hellified reception and extravagant honeymoon. But this is Sister Someone….the same chick who had a wedding planner at her home five hours after the proposal….and she has decided that all the world shall see her as a bride. Period. This will be her one and only and she plans to make it THE event of the year. Then I asked her what did she mean things being strange and awkward between us? I hold NO romantic feelings towards Brother Everything and THIS chick come back with: well, I am landing my dream man and yours left you to marry someone else. Oh, it stung readers…it stung BAD but I kept my composure. I let her know that once upon a time I was devastated and hurt beyond belief but I have healed and progressed somewhat.  Him made choices for the both of us and I am doing pretty well with the hand I have been dealt…someday my prince will come. The hard part is dodging all the frogs. And this heifer says certainly him is a fool and she is sure I will find my someone one day. Maybe.

So before I can even think of a comeback for this smug, delusional chick…my phone rings again. Thank God! And the clusterfuck ramped itself up three notches….and I cannot discuss it in detail. It concerns our resident Chicken Little (him) and it looks like the sky may actually be falling this time. The rumors and speculations are incredible, unbelievable and have us keeping quiet because legal ramifications could actually come about if we do not have proof and verification of these things. I will put it this way….things are so bad in that camp Quiet One and Artsy Craftsy are suggesting I break the no communication rule to reach out to at least let him know that he needs to burst his bubbles, grab his two outfits and run. We are working now on research, verifying and if possible, gathering hard evidence so we can at least freely talk about this subject if nothing else. THIS is a convoluted clusterfuck that has me wondering who the hell drank my Pepsis and thinking no way will this one pack of cigarettes last the night because I have to really think about this.

First, what good would reaching out do? I have already stated and firmly believe that the man would not accept my help if I were the last bitch on earth. Not to mention I am now wondering why should I help him? You do what you do, you get what you get. Second…NONE of this is our business and we accept that. Yet, he keeps putting the most ridiculous of shit out there to pretty much make it our business  and regardless of who him is now, once upon a time, the man had the friendship and respect of both myself and the Islanders. And we are not looking to stir up or create drama but to try to reverse the downward spiral the man we used to know is now on, but how can we? Him has denial, delusion and pride/ego so stubborn when it comes to admitting mistakes or he is wrong…it is like throwing rocks at a tree….all they do is ricochet and fall to the ground. But, what if this time is different? What if the help is accepted? What if, for the first time in a long time, the efforts were recognized, acknowledged and appreciated?

Okay, so I am done writing what I can about what is going on. I need to grab a shower, toss in some laundry and try to talk some type of sense into Sister Someone after I curse her out. I need Oscar to give me a little more info about her news so I can write that post and the draft email is still up in the air. Stay tuned.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Crazy. Stupid. Love?

This is the Sister Someone update post. I have changed the title of this post three times…my favorite title was Popping Pills, Bursting Bubbles except I would not be bursting any bubbles. This crap is real and happening and Sister Someone is hearing no one. I just would have been popping pills while I recap this mess. Let’s see…I have my motrin, my cigarettes, some chocolate and the Pepsis will be arriving shortly along with buffalo wings and potato wedges. I guess I’m ready…so buckle up, readers. It is going to be a convoluted roller coaster of a read.

There is a reason I have not done an update on our infamous Dynamic Duo…actually LOTS of reasons including they have been quiet and things seem to be settled somewhat over there in their corner of the world. But the biggest reason is what does come bursting out of their gates is so incredibly, completely off the wall, we just do not deal with it. Perfect example was the time Brother Everything claimed he could not/would not be getting paid from his new assignment because his bank account was closed due to inactivity. He claims he got no mailing, no notice…he was just lucky he thought to double check with the bank…and here is the part that had us just giving up. He says he got the account opened back up with the exact same account number. NONE of us had ever heard of that happening so if you can confirm his story, that would be a huge help. The assignment itself is also in question…too many things are simply not adding up but that is neither here nor there. We aren’t losing sleep whether the man is working or not.

Of course we have been hearing tidbits: Sister Someone is still crazier than hell, the kid is cutting up BIG TIME with his disobedience and defiance in and outside the home, the house is still a wreck and a half, Brother Everything is at the breaking point and he cannot take it anymore. When his daughters came to visit , he asked SS to take a picture of him and his children. Sister Someone refused stating until THEIR son was also in the picture, it would not be taken. Then came the email about the May 18th, 2013 wedding date and how he needs to start saving his dollars. Then came his email about his Plan B (still in the planning and plotting stages) and NO WAY was he getting caught up in this crazy, delusional crap. Then came the phone call that raised my hackles: Brother Everything bought a ring (2.6 carats according to Sister Someone), proposed to her over breakfast in bed and insisted they get married as soon as possible as he did not want her changing her mind. The woman was dazed, confused and unsure what to do….and the conversation with Brother Everything, while brief and terse, confirmed the entire story.

All was quiet for two days and then we finally managed to back Brother Everything into a corner and demanded he spill it, and he did. Since he has moved back in with her, she has been talking about how she is in this for the long haulnot long term. Does anyone other than myself see the difference in her terminology? She is not waiting to see where they are come the holidays…she is thinking 20 years down the road. She wants her family intact and apparently Brother Everything does also…why else would he return? Hmmm…not even going to get into the fact she browbeat him every day he was gone, begging him to return. Not going to get into if the Ex (and she is back in the picture now) had never thrown him out, he would STILL not be there. Sister Someone dropped hints here and there from Day 1 about a ring as she wanted to be engaged by July 4th. But since Brother Everything either had excuses or ignored her baiting altogether, Sister Someone decided she had to MAKE things happen. She bought the ring herself, gave it to Brother Everything and told him when, where and how to propose.

The woman proposed to herself.  Did you hear me? The. Woman. Proposed. To . Herself. Brother Everything did not go to jeweler’s and pick out the perfect ring. She bought the ring herself at Sam’s Club while picking up some stuff for dinner and some summer shirts for her son. There was no breakfast in bed…she came downstairs to “do the dishes” and Brother Everything was on one knee in the middle of the kitchen (as instructed) with the open ring box. There was no asking her father for permission…her family did not know about the engagement for two days and now they are not speaking to her because they feel it is a mistake and she says they are jealous haters. She is wanting to change her wedding date to sometime this year because she feels the longer the engagement, the more time Brother Everything has to escape. Her very words. The levels of denial and delusion have me worried as hell…these are professional help levels of delusion and denial. This is the level of dysfunction that have people making national headlines. And as for Brother Everything…I talk all the time about one person being in love and the other person playing along, but this goes so far beyond that.

His inactions, his playing along….this is playing with her emotions on an entirely different level and if it is not evident by now….Sister Someone’s emotions are quite deeply rooted and very much in place. Claiming you have a Plan B in place (I think the Ex is involved in this as he says they have been meeting and having lunches at least twice a week) and will be gone by Christmas is incredibly wrong and has crossed lines he does not even know exist. If he leaves her at this point in time (or anytime afterwards), I can see her stalking the streets of the DMV in her white wedding gown, train trailing behind her while she pushes her veil out of her eyes. Her gun would be hidden in the bouquet of roses she still clutches and she would be dragging her son behind her. There will be no place for this man to hide and if she has to, she will be dragging his rotting corpse up the aisle. Here is my thing: BE A MAN! TELL HER this is not what you want, at least not now. If she puts you out, let her. (Sure sign there is no Plan Anything and no place for him to go) But, we ALL know she won’t….the woman holds too much love for him and her dream of a family has too strong a grip on her….she will take a half a family versus none at all. She will not give up having him in her home and bed and going bowling, to the movies, sitting together for her son’s plays and sports events and hanging out with other couples to go back to being a single mom with no man in her life. Do NOT play with her and her emotions. PLEASE don’t.

But this what the Panel and I think will happen…he will lead her on, go along with her plans until the next to the last minute and then…he’s gone again with no word, no apology and no explanation…and she will be beyond broken. Yeah, she is doing  most of the damage to herself, BUT Brother Everything is helping her. The whole thing is crazy. It’s stupid. But is it love? I mean, does Sister Someone love him and in love with him or is she in love with the thought of family and he fits her ideal of a perfect family man? They have known each other 18 months but have only been “together” (if you can call it that) for maybe 5 months and then not even 5 consecutive months. They met in December of 2010….he was another woman’s man until October 2011, when he first moved in. He left right after Christmas 2011 and stayed gone until April 2012..when everything that drove him away the first time seemed to no longer matter. Now, three months later, he is agreeing to put her ring on her finger and everything that drove him away the first time is suddenly a huge thorn in his side again.

What about Brother Everything? Does he love her, or is he as Morning Person says, a user of the worst kind who will ride this train until it switches tracks? Is his playing along all part of his Plan B (and a chance to reap more financial benefits) or does he on some level truly care and wants to try and make it work? What do you readers think? All I know is, I cannot even believe I was jealous over this….seriously, I will put up with learning from mistakes and dealing with doors being closed because the right one still has not come along before I give in to denial, delusions and start forcing issues to achieve the ending I want when I want it. I have NO words for this latest turn of events and I hope against hope Tiger or someone comes up with some words of advice or a plan of action to spare feelings and prevent bloodshed.

So since the rest of this post (congrats for making it this far!!) would be speculations and questions, I am going to end it. I need to plan some dinner menus (leaning towards fried shrimp and potatoes or baked spaghetti), get some laundry together and get ready for Big Brother…I have to know what the hell went down that Willie is gone from the house! I want to do some movies, museums and grocery shopping this week so I need to see what the budget looks like with that (not too good at first glance) and I probably need a nap. But first, I need to re-visit a CL ad of a “dominant” man who is wearing women’s panties…I just want to make sure I read it right.

I will be back soon with Oscar’s big news, so be on the lookout for that. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

My Big, Fat Rant

I am writing the Sister Someone/Brother Everything post…I swear I am….but I am diverted. The more I think and write and consult notes/members for verification, the more pissed I become. And to top it all off, I am reading an email from NEBRASKA of all people, and that has pushed me into a pissy party. Not a pity party…I am not feeling sorry for myself by a long shot, but I am angry. Angry at the hypocrisy and circumstances and unfairness and angry with myself. So let’s just jump into it because the sooner I purge myself of these negative feelings, the sooner I can approach this convoluted mess that has landed in our laps with fairness, objectivity and some sense of clarity.

I am going to start with the email…in it, Nebraska basically says he will not be seeing me because he sees I still have my ad up and it is evident I will not be willing to accommodate his schedule or give him what he is looking for. First, I am not angry that the man will not see me and however you wish to word it so your ego is intact is fine with me. What DOES piss me off is the fact that during the 4 months he has been emailing, he was promising dinners, overnight visits and touristy attraction stuff…yet, when I remind him of what HE put out there with no coaching from me…he wants to get pissed that I am actually going to hold him to his word. NOW, he wants quickies and for me to be at his doorstep when he beckons. No dinners, no conversations and for sure no overnights. WHYWHYWHY do men put men shit out there if they do not want you to pick it up? Granted, I am not seeing the man for a number of other reasons, but that question sticks in my craw. Secondly (and I am going to put Air Force Officer in with this)….what the HELL is it with me posting an ad that pisses them off? If it weren’t for chicks like me posting the ad, those sons of bitches would have nothing to read! And to be angry that I am posting when they are obviously reading and searching….does ANYONE other than MYSELF see the hypocrisy in that? Not EVEN going to get into the fact that I met each of them via an ad, neither of them are offering me anything that would/could last outside of a week…yet, because I met THEM, the ad is supposed to come down? Suck my dick and since I seem to have the only pair in the room…lick my balls while you are down there.

When it comes to the ads, I would hope that I have revealed enough of myself and my issues so you guys know I am just not some random whore or trick chick looking to get over or skate by. I WANT to work, I WANT a full-fledged, monogamous, committed relationship. I honestly do….I have had tastes of relationships here and there and I want to eat the entire meal, not sample from plates. The mutually beneficial ads are a two-fold survival tool….it helps stretch the unemployment dollars a little further when the temp agencies are slow (as they have been all summer) and my resume is overlooked/ignored. And it helps me with the relationship and validation issues…I realize that this is an instant gratification society and frankly, if you are going to use me, I am going to use you. And using a man sexually is not using him…it is giving him what he wants…so he gets a win-win and I get left feeling used, dirty and unwanted. I am going to be truthful…the WORST part about the Air Force Officer drama is the fact that he has yet to send me an email saying…anything. It is like I never existed…and that taints the happiness I felt when we were together. I feel worse freely being with him and then ignored than if I were a $20 street walker making $300 a day. (That ‘s a lot of working right there!) I also realize that I am not going to find this happily ever after I want via the ads, and my mistake with AFO was mixing business with pleasure.

Which brings me to the Sister Someone update blog post…I am no longer jealous (thanks to UTA, Cuz and Morning Person) but now I am incredibly angry and frustrated. When I like a guy….when I am into a guy….you will not and cannot find a more loyal, caring, loving sweetheart of a woman. I am cooking, cleaning, touching, listening…everything that men say they want in a woman…AND I am kinky and never get headaches! I have no children, pets or roommates so I can devote my entire attention to the man in question….and for all that I offer, I may as well be a naked woman in a room full of blind men. WHAT do the Sister Someones and BTHs have that I don’t? Do they play hard to get, do they use voodoo? I already know in the case of Sister Someone she bought her own ring and probably a gun to hold it to Brother Everything’s head but I don’t want relationships or commitments that are shams, one-sided or built on fear. I want to love and care and be loved and cared for. I want reciprocity and a meeting of equals on all levels: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I no longer even have the ad up online looking for an LTR (long term relationship)…I am going out into the real world somewhat…the heat fries and melts the fat from ass which isn’t pretty…because I feel that is where the real men are. The men who are working on their issues, who are not shallow and superficial and won’t state their physical expectations for a woman as if they were ordering a meal at a lunch counter. I want a man who will see me, who will know that the unexpected can be the best thing ever to happen and who realizes that chemistry and attraction are two different things. Someone who will look for character and values and be willing to build on a foundation of trust and friendship. And of course, I also have to be mindful that I am seeking for the Higher Power’s will for me, not for my will to be fulfilled….so maybe I just lost my perspective a little (I still stand by my rants/vents in the second paragraph) and got caught up in frustration.

I am better now…thank you so much for letting me rant and vent. Now, back to the blog post that started it all. It will be up soon, I promise. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

 

 

Procrastination

I am supposed to be working on the Sister Someone/Brother Everything post, but this is not it. I am procrastinating….big time. It has been awhile since I have talked about them in depth and there are good reasons for that. First, the posts about them are draining. You know how your head hurts and you keep trying to make sense of the convoluted ridiculosity that is them when you are reading about them? It is ten times as bad trying to keep both stories straight (you KNOW they each have a different account of what is happening)…that involves a lot of verification and questioning and repetition because you have to make sure you heard them right and that they are serious with what just came out of their mouths. Writing the posts requires at least one pack of cigarettes, one bottle of motrin and 2 24 ounce ice cold Pepsis and most importantly, it requires input from the Panel members assigned to this particular project.

Here on the Panel, we have what I like to call projects (persons who bear watching because of their deep end tendencies), drama (deep end tendencies in effect but not so far gone they cannot be reeled in) and fiascos (full blown drama where all we can do is wait for the dust to clear)  and we “assign”  certain Panel members to certain projects, dramas and fiascos. We all cannot be on the same task at the same time…each  and every one of us is a project and we seem to keep 2-3 dramas going at a time. Assignments are not random…we match members with projects based on the member’s ability to both relate and rehabilitate the project: age, similar issues/experiences and personality all factor into that equation.

Take me for instance: I have four members assigned to me at all times: Cuz (he is the only one who could probably restrain me if physical violence ever rears its head), Morning Person (she is the one who will sit me down and MAKE me listen to her), Artsy Craftsy (she is the one who will calm me down by letting me talk and rant and vent or if things are good, will let me sing praises until I am hoarse) and UTA…she is the one who will make what I don’t understand make sense. And have I told anyone how much I love this chick? She is just so real and so…patient. Not quite the word I am looking for, but it will do. She knows that while our situations are somewhat similar, they are not the same and can make her point and point out the differences without being all smarty-pants about it. She sympathizes, empathizes and will put a stop to an unwarranted pity party in a New York second. I think all of those are  important qualities to have  and admire those who have them, but the best part is UTA has enough crazy and weird in her to actually want to be here on the Panel.

Girlfriend, Oscar and New Mommy are usually the Damage Control team…they come in afterwards to assess and administer therapy if needed; Buddy and Chef are part of the Preventive Maintenance team…they TRY (really, really hard) to give the necessary warnings, advice and alternative plans to prevent drama and fiascos. They are not always successful. Of course, not everyone enjoys their assignments and Girlfriend wants OUT of hers…immediately. She wants a transfer to the Air Force Officer project  and with her experience and fetish for military officers (I pointed out that she is into Marines but as she put it…military is military) she would be perfect for it, but I am thinking that project is pretty much defunct. No communication from the man since he went back to the Gulf Coast and I am already working on what will probably be yet another drama. She says we can make it a Wait and Watch…if Nebraska, Him and Married man are any indication, I tend to not only bring out the crazy in men, I bring them back for more.  I don’t know…we’ll see.

The Lead Member on the Sister Someone/Brother Everything project is Tiger and I swear, I am replacing him with UTA. UTA stated a long time ago that bitches be crazy (applicable for any ongoing drama) and the two deserved each other but being part of the Project DC team is pretty much full-time AND she has her own crap going on. So as much as Tiger may want out of the project…he will be sticking with it. Tiger was selected for SS/BE because  he knows what it is like to be in like/lust/love and wanting to make it work, even when the other person does not reciprocate, for some strange reason even though he knows the whole damn thing is ridiculous and surreal, he empathizes with SS and wishes only she would consider the effects on her son and lastly…they were being quiet and Tiger BEGGED for an assignment that would not be draining in any manner. And now…this happens and when I asked the man what his plan was he replied that he planned pretty much the way Brother Everything did and we all see where Brother Everything is right now. I am not going to yell or fuss….what’s the point?  Sister Someone is going to do things her way and we would have this same end result, regardless of who was assigned to it. SS/BE are a tricky situation in the best of times but I will have to remind Tiger that when things are quiet…disaster follows. BIG disasters. You HAVE to stay on top of the quiet.

So, I guess since there is no other input to be considered and no other perspectives to be offered, I have no choice but to head over to the corner store, stock up on supplies (I am thinking chocolate may also be needed) and get busy putting this fiasco into writing…maybe together, we can figure out how to avert Sister Someone/Brother Everything from becoming national news.

 

#300

This is my 300th blog post….300 posts filled with hurt, repeating myself, confusion, laughter, tears, drama and utter randomness, but most of all…progress. This blog would  never  have happened without a push from Artsy Craftsy and Oscar and it would not be continuing without you Readers, my Panel Members (Sister Someone gets a special shout-out) and  perhaps the way I am playing the hand life has dealt me which tends to give me special types of drama and crazy just may play a role. I mean, seriously, some of these things I HAVE to put into words and share with others just to know it is not me. Maybe I should give a shout out to the guys/pervs who stumble across my blog while searching for BBWs doing everything but blogging which helps to boost views and clicks? No matter…it isn’t about how many people read me. I am here for the support, friendship, encouragement, advice and wisdom I receive from putting myself out there in cyberspace, which is amazing and wonderful. I am not judged here (and you KNOW I do some off the wall stuff) , I am not ridiculed here and there is an understanding here with you guys that simply cannot be put into words.

Because of the help I get from my Panel and this process, I know that I have made so much progress but still…I am trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents. I am still attention starved mentally and emotionally; I am still drawn to the same types of issues in a man (let’s be honest…Air Force Officer is simply Him wrapped in a prettier package) and I am still making the same mistakes (and recognizing it too late). Because you Readers have not fallen off the face of the earth and comment/email me with new perspectives and point me in alternate directions towards being a better person (in all ways), I know I am not completely crazy and it is not just me. And because I have this blog to write it all down as truthfully as possible…I can always come back and remember the reason for the process, why I am sticking with this process, and gather the tools needed to try and stay in my lane…tools that I get from YOU. And to the ones who share their stories via their own blog site…UTA, Larissa, Little Runner Girl, Bunnie…..thankyouthankyouthankyou! Your strength and honesty while sharing your journey is inspiring to say the least.

All I can say is…again, this is SO not over. I will continue to listen well, remain both nosy (that’s not changing) and open-minded, work on laying my issues to rest and to remain as truthful as possible (maybe not promptly, but when it comes out, it will be the truth). Maintaining my personal happiness and being comfortable with my company and my skin will be top priorities; making it over or around obstacles/setbacks without melting down is also on the agenda along with me remembering that sometimes, people are fucked up and enjoy being that way. They are not looking for my version of happiness…they have their own. So yeah, there is a lot of work still left to be done and so much more drama to be had. Milestones to be celebrated, goals to be achieved, tears to be shed and most importantly…laughter to be shared. You all have hung in there with me this long…stick around just a little longer. I promise it will not be boring.

I am going to end this blog post here and I have at least two that need to be written…we have the scoop on Sister Someone and Brother Everything’s engagement, Oscar has HUGE news to share with us and who knows what will come my way this week? Again, THANK YOU to everyone who has made this milestone post possible.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading (and stay tuned), and as usual…enjoy your day!!!