Absence Heard, Presence Felt


Today’s blog post is actually an open letter to him. Yes, another one…the news in that corner of the world is just depressing at this point and I have no idea what to do .In fact, there is nothing I can do and frankly, I should not want to be doing anything for him. I feel I should be gloating and feeling all vindicated and validated but I don’t because this is just…SAD. See, I KNEW things would not work out between him and BTH (hell, everyone who was privy to this knew) but the way this is playing out is beyond anything I could ever imagine. It was supposed to be a quick snatching of the wallet, maybe she would have an affair and he would be heartbroken the same way I was. But this….I do not think the Roman Empire fell so hard and so quickly. To call the man foolish would be a compliment and while I want to shake him and talk to him, I cannot. And it feels as if the absence of the friendship we shared is almost audible, like a pin falling on a floor in a silent room and  call me just as foolish but I swear there are times I feel his presence asking for help. But now is not the time for that and unsure if that time will ever come to fruition, so I say my words to you, my readers.

 

Once again, I find myself writing you a letter. Honestly, I thought I would be past the writing you a letter stage and even further away from actually wanting to send it. The only things holding me back from doing so are my self-respect, my incredibly low levels for the bullshit storm that will follow and the fact that even now, after all we both have been through…you still won’t get it.

This is not about me and you…not anymore. We are done and the pieces cannot be picked up again. Not a point of no return…more of a no point in a return. It is easy to blame it all on you: your lies, your disrespect, giving out my personal information, the leading me on, the mistreatments, your marriage. But it is also my fault both before and after. I said horrible, horrible things to you and I know you think I am an evil bitch for doing so, but again….you don’t get it. I am not an angry/hurtful person by nature but when I am hurt, attacked, wounded or provoked for no reason…I retaliate. And I want you to hurt ten times more than I do. Even after all the name calling and cursing, I showed myself to be too accommodating once again when I tried to help you and advise you when you said you were going to marry her. However, this is the real reason we will never again pick up the pieces: I have learned lessons from what you did and I have changed. Not completely but enough to know that you destroyed the fragile trust I had in you and while getting over you is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, re-building trust in you and with you will be even harder. I am tired of hard. I know I no longer respect you as a man or a person and not because you left me, but because of who you became with her and because of her. I know I can no longer return to what it was and if you offer me anything at all, that is what it will be. Probably worse because you will be all broken down from what BTH is putting you through and I am no longer fixing people up for others to reap benefits.

Yes, I made investments in you that you never appreciated, acknowledged or even recognized. And I did it because I not only loved you, I LIKED you, and really, I think liking someone is more important than loving them. I definitely put up with more bullshit from a person I like and consider a friend versus someone I love…my love has limits, but my like doesn’t, at least when it came to you. And why I use the past tense I don’t know as it is my liking for you that has me writing this letter. Because I know…all you are putting out there and some of what you aren’t…I know.

Here’s the rub…I don’t want to know about the financial difficulties, the lack of wardrobe, the fact that you still remember me and the crazy, wonderful times. I do not want to hear about the erratic mood swings ranging from anger to depression, but because I like you and want you to be happy and  I am nosier than hell…I do know. Liking you is proving to still be a detriment…when we were together, it allowed you to treat me any old kind of way because when I did capture your attention, I was over the moon and now that I am moving on and re-building a life that does not include you in an active capacity, it slows me down. Granted, I have made significant progress but I am nowhere near where I could or would be if I did not like you. Of course, my nosiness plays a part also…how easy could it be to simply change the subject or stop it before it starts? But you are proving to be such a spectacular train wreck, who knows what the news will be? And I don’t want miss a minute of this soap opera.

I don’t want you to come back this way…okay, that is a partial lie because if you ever took action and did more than look this way, I would be able to convince myself that we could make it work this time around because you would see I was right all along and had nothing but your happiness and best interest at heart, but if you only stay on the outside reaching your hand out, I am not reaching back. I have done too much reaching only to be rejected. We both know what was done…the blows to my confidence and ego, the damage inflicted on my already fragile issues…the horrible words and wishes flung at you… and I will never forget the hater bitch comment although I have forgiven it. What I wrestle(d) with is the “happier than I have been in my life” comment when I was so broken and alone; I wrestle(d) with the total rejection of me and the silences I was met with when all I wanted to know was what she had that I didn’t. What made her a good woman and why I wasn’t. Why I was never good enough or worthy enough of you and your attention on a constant basis.

At this point, I may not have answered the questions but I have made peace with the situation and have found happiness.. with life and with myself. I no longer wake up with dread and anxiety wondering if today will be a good day for you, will you accept or reject me today or is today the day you end it yet again. Now, there is no hurtfulness disguised as honesty and the only issues I carry around and work on are my own. I am working on compartmentalizing what I still feel for you so I can make more progress and find that someone who will find me worthy, who can appreciate the good woman I am and who will offer consistency and stability while proving themselves worthy of the efforts it will take me to fully and freely allow them into my life for the long term. Dating is a crapshoot but I get complimented, dinners and pampering which are always good things. My life is not perfect and not what I thought it would be , but I am at peace. Your actions have put me on a path where I know myself better and am learning everyday what I want from a man and more importantly, what I am no longer tolerating from one.

So what I want you to do with what is happening is to find your happiness which seems to be so elusive …if you are in love with her and this is what you want despite what you are showing and telling to us all (and for the love of Pete….keep the marriage at home. Whatever is happening, no one needs to know anything else except you and BTH)…then put your foot down and be the man in the relationship. You can be whoever or whatever you want inside the house, but outside the house at least, demand the respect you deserve as her husband and the breadwinner. And if you are not happy, grab your balls and get out. Every day is a new beginning and re-building is always possible if you really want it. Life is too short to let pride stand in your way or to still not know what you want at this stage of it.

I want you to be satisfied with you and your choices and to not feel the need to reach out….and if you are reaching out, to not reject the help that someone may still wish to offer you. Stop the lying…unsure if it is to yourself or to others but stop it. Presenting one story to the world at large and telling me another one is not doing you any favors. IF you are happy, do not be afraid to show it and if you aren’t…telling me differently makes you a liar and a stupid one.  Keep your business to yourself…it is not helping you or others to know the dirty laundry. Finally, take action….you made choices so deal with them. Again, it makes no difference if you stay or go…just be able to live with your choices without drawing everyone into the drama.

You know, this letter was going to be filled with advice and suggestions but I already gave you that in previous letters never sent. Besides, you are not ready to accept help in any form from me; honestly I will probably be the last person you will accept help from and that both amuses and saddens me. Is your pride that stubborn that I will always be the bitter, jilted ex or are you too ashamed to face me because I know I am not the only one who remembers how it all went down? Is it that you think I will suddenly no longer have your best interests at heart and have my own agenda to exact revenge? Dude, you are crippled financially (really, you are DOA financially) and emotionally and your physical is not far behind. Work is hanging by a thread and while it is all presumptions about your home and home life, willing to wager the speculations are not far from the mark. There is nothing I can do to you that would be worse than what you are doing to yourself…truly, you are proving to be your own worst enemy and I am still bewildered that THIS is what you chose. But after being thrust into black hole of heartbreak by someone who promised never to hurt me and I thought would always be a part of my life in some capacity…I know how hard it is to give up the ghost, to move on whether you want to or not because it is in your own best interest. I know it is easier to admit mistakes and make it through to the other side if there is someone in your corner. Liking someone makes you that person who is there when no one else is and the one who gives a damn when absolutely no one else does. And this is the power of like: despite what others do to you… if you like them, you will offer to be that person regardless how foolish it makes you look.

Please, please, please…just take care of yourself and remember…somewhere inside of me, I am still that same crazy, wonderful girl who was not only in love with you but still likes you. I just don’t know how much longer she will be around.

 

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