Every once in awhile I am reminded of just how blessed my life truly is…celebrating 10 years clean was one of those times and I turned the entire week into a love fest. Now the life I am (re) building for myself is returning to normal and coming together…slowly. Still no assignment or job on the horizon but I am still making the phone calls, still submitting the resumes and I may even have to pound the pavement a day or two a week, which is fine. All I can do is lay the groundwork to set the wheels in motion…the rest is up to the Universe. I went to the dental clinic and while still no action, I do have leads and appointment dates…trust me, I am not rushing that process. On the personal front, I needed some help and advice and the Panel did what they always do…they gave it to me and I did what I rarely do…I listened the first time around and am actually heeding their advice. It was said it is hard to believe I need help with all the great advice and insight I have and offer to them, but that is the way it is with most of us. We never heed our own advice and are never able to see our own situations clearly…we are blinded by love, like, caring, understanding….and we always think/feel our situations are different. I have found out the hard way it isn’t but still, I need others to tell me these things and to advise me and guide me. The Panel is my on-call advice column….one of their many, many benefits.
Artsy Craftsy gave me the first bit of advice after I was bitching and moaning over the fact that Keifer never gave me a callback and ignored my emails after such a great first date. Her first piece of advice was to not take it so personally…it happens more often than one thinks. The second piece was to stop concentrating on the end game and start both playing and enjoying the dating game. The first thing that struck me was “game”…I don’t play games but then I remembered….games are not always mental and some of them can be quite enjoyable. After all, how hard can it be to meet with someone to share conversation along with dinner and/or a movie? If I just stay in the moment, shelve the expectations and stop trying to saddle folks with hidden agendas and plan not only the outcome of the date but where me and this guy will be come football season, I may actually have a great time. And I took her advice and re-posted my movie date ad….even though the first time around I had two dates which were definitely good, it was only dinner and no movies whatsoever, and once I got past the ridiculous posts from men who cannot read and think only with their little head, I found myself with two movie dates and one of the men was an Episcopalian priest! He treated to Ollie burgers, crab pretzels and engaged me in a lively debate following the film. Doubtful there will be repeat dates, but today…it’s okay. I had a fun time, saw some great films and did not do it alone.
Cuz gave me the next piece of advice…actually the entire Panel has been giving me this advice since the beginning, but I am just now in a space/place to listen to it and believe it. He told me what you put up is what you end up with. Actually, this is more of a lesson than advice but I finally see what he/they mean. Contrary to popular belief, putting up with all manners of mistreatment and disrespect do NOT get you noticed by that person you have wrapped your everythings up in…they do not suddenly wake up in the middle of the night realizing you are the best thing since sliced white bread to ever come their way. They continue to treat you the way you have allowed them to, take you for granted and drain you in all kinds of ways (physically, emotionally and maybe financially) and when they leave, you may not even be worth of an explanation, apology or a goodbye. And the kicker is, they will feel they have done nothing wrong as you pretty showed them with your passive-aggressive tactics that it’s okay. This lesson/nugget of advice came about because we have heard that him has mentioned/asked about me to Chef and actually reminisced about me/us to the people in his department on the Island. Out loud. The man who rejected me and erased me and all we shared from his memory banks now remembers me… granted it is the offbeat and crazy things (but what else makes a great story?) and only one instance of it so far, but the mere fact I came into his mind and he verbalized it is proof positive that shit is going to hell in a handbasket over in that camp (and maybe him is learning this lesson also) and this time, it not speculation and has nothing to do with him having only 2 outfits and a pair of flip flops.
Of course, I was initially over the moon and wanted to reach out….RIGHT NOW and Morning Person and Chef both gave me the same piece of advice: you are free to make your own choices; however, you are not free of the consequences of said choices. I definitely had to think about that one…sure, I could jump all over the fact that this could finally be my validation and vindication. Him actually could be learning a lesson and is reaching out in his indirect and convoluted way….but what if this isn’t what I think it is? What if I reach out only to be met with him still reporting in to the BTH on an hourly basis or better….him still sticks to his “happier than I have ever been” story? And here is a new one: what if it IS what I think it is…do I really want a man who was too cowardly to say goodbye and can only attempt to say hello and help me through others? I just HAD that….I am STILL coming to terms with that. I do not need that …and if it is what I would want it to be….I don’t want it. All that does is show me that I have grown and changed and him hasn’t. I cannot pick up where I left off and I cannot allow him to know that there is still a tiny piece of me that would let him do just that.
You cannot change people’s minds or mindsets….Morning Person told me that over dinner last week and this piece of advice is what I am holding onto. Him has made his bed…not my fault he cannot sleep in it. I am just now getting used to sleeping in my bed which the majority of the time I manage to make with sheets of satisfaction and pillows of peace. Him and I had our chance (several of them, in fact) and each and every time, him tossed them away. I offered suggestions, warnings and advice after he treated me as less than and the man ignored them. I have nothing more to offer him because if him is reaching out this way it is not because his eyes have been opened…him is seeking the familiar and what was comfortable, not to offer me all him has given BTH on a silver platter…and I am no longer the person who would take him back. This chick is liking waking up and not having to deal with his inadequacies or trying to gauge his moods. I enjoy not being ignored. I enjoy giving gifts to the people I care about and having them acknowledge them and appreciate them…with him, I would have to track him down and beat him over the head to get a simple thank you. Today, I matter to people; I am praised for things I do with my clothes on and overall, I am happy with myself and my life…no way can I give that up for mights, maybes and excuses.
So this is the advice I have been given and I am heeding; so far it is all working out and giving me a slightly new mindset and attitude. Hopefully some of this advice can help someone else stick to the path of re-building and self-improvement or be a catalyst to jumpstarting someone’s program or process. Now to plan my day: unemployment has thrown a wrench in the program by stating after one week of continued claims, I have exhausted my funds. Oh, and that they paid me for two weeks when in actuality I have only been paid for one week. I am not highly upset or being overly dramatic (inside, I am seething and Ghetto Black Chick is preparing to go down to their HQ )…obviously, a mistake has been made and I have faith it will work out to my satisfaction, which it did. It is a glitch in their system and there should be no disruptions in pay. Onward to the rest of my day… another movie is on my agenda along with checking out some yoga classes (very much beginner yoga classes) and I plan to cook some dinner.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!