Controlled Chaos

I think I have had the week from hell, although one of my readers (and fellow blogger…have you read her yet?) says my life is balanced, normal and relaxed. I guess in actuality, she ‘s right; after all, it has been life on life’s terms and no one is sick or ill, no one is dead or dying and even with the disappointments, there were highlights also. I was approached by a temp agency who loved my resume and asked me to take their online skills assessment; how excited was I?? I just knew the skills assessment would be a breeze and the job they wanted me for was offering seriously decent pay…except their skills assessment was unlike any other I had EVER taken and the questions had me stumped! I am sure I failed miserably since I was exchanging emails and phone calls with the recruiter fast and furiously before I took the tests and have heard absolutely nothing since taking the test. The date with Keifer apparently was not as good for him as it was for me  (he is officially in the “them” category) and somehow the apartment has fallen into disarray and the laundry has piled up again in less than a week.

However, on the flip side….I had another real date this week and while it was basically dinner at a hole in the wall Chinese buffet (food was incredibly fresh and yummy) and a drive through Old Town Alexandria (trust me, not the original plan), it was quiet and the conversation was interestingly random. I found out I definitely qualify for the unemployment extension, had the best boneless beef short ribs while on an outing with Reliable One, Oscar came to town for a whirlwind visit and I got to talk with pretty much all the Panel members except Buddy, UTA (she is on summer vay-cay)  and Quiet One.

It was talks with Girlfriend, Oscar and Sister Someone that brought about this post….three of us are in post-breakup mode and one would think enough time has passed that we would be okay, moving on and putting together the pieces after picking them up…and we ARE, the majority of the time. But there is a big difference when you are moving on because you have to versus moving on because you want to. For me, moving on because I have to is a lot like controlled chaos…nothing is right, shit is still falling apart and all that goes wrong can be laid at him’s doorstep but I hold it together and keep it moving because the alternative…realizing that in a way, I am still stuck in limbo is simply not acceptable. As long as I keep moving and telling myself it’s okay and I’m good…it is my reality; once I stop moving, once I stop being okay and good…then I AM stuck and all I want are the good times I had with him with him.. I don’t know if anyone else understands what I am saying, but I do and today, that is good enough for me.  At some point, I would like to think has to becomes wants to but I think it is after we have had another chance to make things right and we see nothing has changed …or the comes along and sweeps away all the dust and cobwebs left in the empty corners of your heart and/or mind. Unlike Sister Someone, Girlfriend, Oscar and I have no walls of delusion to protect and blind us; we have no Brother Everything who would be dependent upon us for shelter, transportation and a weekly allowance. We have only each other, our self-respect and exes who seem to think our grass isn’t quite green enough and seriously, folks…dating is HARD. You put the best parts of yourself out there and of course the other party is not even about to put themselves out there except for the bare basics; then after the date, whether you give in on the first date (which makes you easy) or you don’t (which makes you a classy lady), you still end up rejected and after so many rejections… loneliness, vulnerability and doubt creep in and we all kind of fall off the wagon.

Girlfriend: I love her to pieces and what is not to love? She is sexy, gorgeous, funny and adventurous. Yet, she is unappreciated by the men she chooses to let her guards down with. She has bouts of loneliness and vulnerability and now, despite us both saying we would not recycle from the pool of existing exes, that is what she is now considering.  Little Marine (remember him?) wants to try again with her. He swears she is the one he loves and he will do right by her this time but Girlfriend is still up in the air about it even after a date with him last week. She is not sure if this the right thing to do or even if it is what she wants (she is still living her life and making summer plans that do not include Little Marine), but at least she will know what to expect if she decides in his favor. I don’t blame her if she does give in…if you are going to be hurt and rejected, let it be with someone whose games  you already know. That way you haven’t exerted too much in the way of energy and efforts and you are already familiar with the hurt. You know, when I said dating was hard, I mean it is hard for everyone…Girlfriend is everything a guy says he is looking for in a girl. She is petite, younger, curvy/shapely, active, independent, college educated, intelligent, fun/funny and enjoys being adventurous  and we are both in the same boat. Although, she has an ace in the hole even though she won’t know it until she reads this next sentence.  I have a message for her from Cuz (and I quote): “You will never be alone or without someone who will love you, adore you and do their best every day to make you happy. Let’s do lunch and put our bus (trains wreck and derail) in motion so we can both spend the rest of our lives smiling instead of crying.”

Oscar: Our resident wild child came to town last week for an overnight visit….she caught me by total surprise (I am spontaneous with notice) but I was so glad to see her!! We ate carryout food (neither of us ate a lot of it), watched Friends (she has a thing for Ross) and talked pretty much until dawn. She plans to come back down later this week (fingers crossed) and I can treat her like a tourist and show her some of the sights. But during our talks, we both kept drifting to our exes…she too is having a hard time with the dating game and I am sure it is harder when you are a single mom. We both wonder are we that bad that we had to be basically abandoned and thrust into the cesspool that is dating in the 21st century (yes, it was a slight pity party) but I can definitely relate to Oscar’s perspective. Him, Jr. was her first love and all she knew. She did not want to move on for any reason whatsoever…as bad as it had gotten between them, it was what she knew…and she didn’t move on until she realized that time and life was moving her on whether she wanted to or not. So she listened to us Panel members who told her not to settle, better things were coming…just be patient. Work on yourself, heal yourself and the bigger door will open. But sometimes opportunity doesn’t knock and you have to go looking for it, so sometimes she does. And even though she is faithfully working on the self-improvements and trying to do things differently…she is still getting the same results. How do you deal with that? And what difference does it make whether you have control of it or not…chaos is chaos and if she has to deal with that crap, why can’t it be the chaos she knows and is familiar with?

Sister Someone: Sometimes I wonder did it EVER dawn on this woman to pull on her big girl panties, accept defeat, scrap Plan A and get to work on Plans B-Z while she made the transition from victim to survivor, and I am going to say NO. Final answer. In a way, I admire her tenacity in not accepting the blindsided blow life gave her when Brother Everything left her the first time around. I can certainly understand…she gave her ALL to have that man in her life and spared no expense; even though I am a firm believer that it simply is not that hard or that much work if  a man really wants you and wants to be with you, Sister Someone is proof positive that if you want something bad enough, you CAN and WILL get it. All you need to do is apply yourself and have no shame in your game. I know I say the girl is in denial and delusion and is settling all kinds of ways, but in dating, compromise is key. And what is compromise if not settling? Basically, you are scratching off some of your must-haves in order to simply…have. And she does have…he may not be the best thing and yes, he may be using her and have his own hidden agendas, but isn’t that what Oscar and I are willing to take if given the chance and Girlfriend is debating? Sometimes I think we are no different from SS…she was just more honest, more aggressive and controlled (or maybe orchestrated)  her chaos straight out the gate with her approach.

Me: I am growing weary of the transient arrangements. Yes, they allow me to more or less maintain my current lifestyle and the entertainment value from some of the responses are almost worth the headache of reading and weeding but I want something stable and substantial. There are times I feel disconnected, where I feel as if him has moved on, become someone different but somehow I am still the same and still in the same spot. Almost as if life is in fast motion right outside my line of vision and try as I might, I cannot catch up.  I do my best to be okay without him in my life (and remembering his disrespect, his treatment of me towards the end , the lies and the fact he now has a wife helps greatly with that), but then I hear the stories and how far he has fallen in such a short amount of time and I feel sorry for him and wonder why his ass has not made a beeline back to me yet.  The man needs a clothing drive, some super sized meals and  I just get the feeling that the bed has made is uncomfortable  so he does not lie in it or sleep at night. Yet, for all that….him would rather stay there than come back over here where he was loved if nothing else. Even though I am in a peaceful, happy space the majority of the time and I was excited to have two real dates, I want  to know there will be second and third dates. The rejection and the knowing I am just at the start of the race  allows me to still wonder what if sometimes, to still sometimes wish it were him saying all the wonderful things the others say to/about me and while him is no longer the first thing in the morning or the last thing at night…the man still sneaks in and I let him. The chaos and I take turns with the control.

Which is why I am incredibly happy and glad Artsy Craftsy is back onboard and fully hands-on again. She is the one who understands, empathizes and is the voice of reason. She hears us and knows we are still hurting and still trying to find our way, and while we all know great things happen when you least expect it, she understands that the waiting is the hardest part. So when she heard about what all was going on and pretty much where I was with the waffling and wanting, she gave me the best advice ever: I don’t want him…I want the comfort and complacency a reconciliation will provide. No one wants to put themselves out there, but you have to if you want opportunity to find you. It cannot knock on your door if it does not know where you are. You have to deal with and control the chaos because it IS your reality now and recycling may delay that reality for a minute of two, but at the end of the day…you are back to the original square one (as much as you say you will not put up with the same crap, you will) and no one has the time nor the patience to go through this all over again and over the same person. Yes, it sucks, but dust yourself off, take breaks, continue the self-improvements and the healings and the process…eventually (and once it happens, the time it took will not even matter) it will pay off with the man and relationship of your dreams. And that’s when the hard work really begins.

So this was like the longest post ever and I thank you for sticking with me. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s