I have not blogged in a minute, and I cannot even apologize for that. This is not in the beginning when I was pouring out all of my emotions and hopes and fears as soon as they arose. What a convoluted, delusional time that was for me, and if you have been with me since the beginning…THANK YOU for sticking with me. Now, with time, processing and the help of you readers and the Panel, things are not the OMG disaster I think they are. I am learning to handle life on its own terms (again) and when broken down…life is rather normal and honestly, there is really nothing to say. There are things happening just below the surface…kind of like cracks in the foundation of a building or the tiny bubbles in a pot of water right before it becomes a full-blown boil. Not with everyone on the Panel or even with me, but sometimes peace is short-lived and I think we all are trying to hold onto that before the storms hit and we have to pop open our umbrellas.
So while we wait for the new drama to fully mature, I thought I would tell you what I have been up to during the break. Fair warning, the title of the post says it all. It is not a lot and may bore you to tears but remember….the drama is coming.
Job Front: It is bleak and desolate….since I did the three day assignment, nothing has come my way. I have called the temp agencies, filled out applications and submitted resumes. I am still optimistic simply because I have an income (small as it is) coming in, but I am now on the unemployment extension and truly believe that waking up at 6am justifies a nap by 10am. It is time to return to work.
Business Plan: Old Me has resurfaced with a vengeance and New Me is no match for her. No research, no draft business plan. The closest I have come is looking at Vista business cards on the web and debating should I invest in creating business cards. If nothing else, I can always market myself as an independent contractor…their choice if they want to utilize my admin skills, my writing talents or have me massage them.
Dates: I have had 5 great dates and two that were pretty awful. By awful, I do not mean my life was in danger or I had to go all Ghetto Black Chick ka-razy on the dudes…awful as in they both got up and left in the middle of the initial chit-chat. My self-esteem took all kinds of nosedives: was I too fat, too tall? Was it the missing tooth? Was it because I am black? I drove myself bonkers for about a good hour before I realized that seriously, not everyone is for everybody. It was a bit of a blow that they occurred back to back but c’est la vie. (That’s French for “that’s life” but you probably already know that) And my next 5 dates (all within 5 days of each other) were awesome, great and terrific. And here is a bit of news: I have a real date…not an arrangement. A date…where we will go out for a movie and maybe dinner afterwards. A date where we will talk and learn more about each other and the only action will be possibly holding hands and maybe a good night kiss. He is taller (6’2”) , my age and looks like Keifer Sutherland. Only drawback is he is only separated (wife and 2 children in another state), not divorced. Oh, and he thinks I am a BLAST (yes, in all caps), gorgeous and funny….and he has seen me with the missing tooth. So you already know he is at least half-crazy.
Diet: So Memorial Day weekend, I attended a family cookout. Did not want to go but my sis-sis dragged me and I have to say I totally enjoyed myself. I was feeling pretty good about my weight loss efforts and limited myself to one plate…had too much potato salad and a double cheeseburger (did not eat it all) but balanced it out with fresh melon and nothing but water and ice. Yet, when I saw a picture a cousin took of me (AND posted on Facebook!) I almost fell out. I decided I was changing my name (and the name of the blog) to The Divine Bovine…I was so not comfortable seeing myself. Of course, when I alerted the Panel to this atrocity, everyone said I looked fine and at three members stated I had lost weight! Then I got to wondering just how big was I/am I and drove everyone batshit crazy for about two days.
I have no idea how I look but I do know I am phasing even more sugar out of my diet…I cut back because complete sugar withdrawal had me headachy and cranky. I am sure my body was trying to detox itself but I am so used to sugar and sweets, cold turkey is not a viable option. I am doing pretty good overall: portion control, mostly Crystal Light, water and unsweetened teas for drinking (although I still sneak in a soda or two in a week), walking my apartment hallways for at least 20 minutes a day. But I still get in a candy bar here and there and I am sure the potato chips are not doing me any favors. I am wondering if I should go back to the diet shakes…you know where you have one for breakfast, one for lunch and a sensible dinner. I could do a shake and a piece of fruit for the first two meals and salads or lean proteins for dinner. I don’t know…I may try it and see what happens with that. I am not looking for quick results (okay, I am but I know it won’t happen) but looking for something I can stick with that won’t make me feel deprived.
And this is what life has been like since the last post…pretty boring, right? But I am learning, as we all are. Yes, I still tend to blow things out of proportion but I am also realizing it is not that serious. So what two guys did not like my looks….I am not looking to attract every man or to make every dollar. YAY for the date and simply because he finds me attractive does not make him crazy…maybe he will be the one who proves to be the exception and not the rule. I admit, I am a little nervous about the date. I miss kissing (these asswipe dates do not count) and intimacy SO much…and that is what scares me about the date with Keifer. I am worried I will fall harder than I am supposed to or blind myself to what it really is and go with my version of what it could be simply because here is an attractive guy giving me some attention, and honestly, when was the last time a man actually paid ME some attention? Him was the last one to actually see me, listen to me and want to get to know me…and we all know how that ended up.
But, I am putting all negativity aside (fresh starts, new beginnings) and going to consult with Oscar, Girlfriend and Artsy-Craftsy on what to wear, which hair to wear and to learn how to go slow and act coy. We want a different result this time so time for a crash course in new things. I will be back sooner versus later with new posts and as always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!