If you build it, they will come….anyone else remember that line? Granted, I am not building a baseball field/stadium but I am hoping that the same principle applies. One would think that writing down what you are seeking in a partner would be the easiest thing in the world, but it isn’t. It is easier to just write down what you are not looking for but then that leaves so much on the table and up to chance. Some things are vague and open to interpretation so being specific is a necessity and I plan to be as specific as possible in this post.
Today, I am finally taking action on a great suggestion to visualize what I want in my next man….and I plan to visualize everything (nothing dirty…I am firm believer that it is the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat. Although I am looking for neither a dinghy nor an ocean liner. Canoes, kayaks, rowboats are all acceptable). Of course, as time passes and I process and grow (or completely lose my mind), edits and revisions will be made but I think what follows forms a solid foundation. And I realize that I still have work to do on me so I am not such a handful…I still have issues that may never be resolved but I need to have a grip on them and a lifetime of emotional unhealthiness has left me with a different set of expectations: I am always looking to be disappointed and to have promises broken. So in addition to being all I describe below, he also has to be willing to be patient and more often than not, hold my hand while proving me wrong about his purpose and intentions.
Height: I am 6’4”. I have dated/been with men ranging from 5’3” to 6’3” and have hugged a man 6’9” so I know what it feels like to be somewhat petite. I have to say, taller is better. I have no idea why such taller men enjoy the shorter girls…I appreciate being able to maintain some type of eye contact while standing without cramping my neck. So this time around, I want a taller man…5”11 and up.
Weight: I am not perfect, I am not picky. I do know I am not into a really thin/skinny man…I do not want to hurt him or break any bones. The body builder types are not my style either…I want my guy to look normal, not all veiny and muscled. Like anyone I can appreciate a person who works out on a daily basis and takes care of his body…and I know a lot of hard bodies who appreciate a soft bodied woman, but if they have this fanatical approach to fitness and/or a cocky attitude (remember the personal trainer who sent me all the articles on weight loss and what contributes to weight gain?), not interested. I think my ideal guy will be average to husky/stocky. I lovelovelove a teddy bear of a man…I like having something to hold onto, but no way can he be sloppy with it (I’m not with mine) and he cannot be bigger than me. THAT won’t work.
Race: I am not racist and see beauty in almost anything. And given my current crush on Dayo Okeniyi (Thresh in Hunger Games), the fact that him is white and I am trying to get as far from him as possible….I still have a preference for a white man. Preferably one without male pattern baldness and who is not blonde (I am strongly attracted to dark hair and light eyes).Clean shaven is a big plus but if the facial hair is groomed, well…I can deal. Oh, aging well and no liver spots is an even bigger bonus.
Age: I see nothing wrong with an older/younger dynamic, but I have found that there are some drawbacks….first, in cases of an extreme age difference (15+ years on either side of the spectrum), the relationship is either sexual or financial (if not both) in nature. Second, when you see us together in public, I do not want you thinking I am either having dinner with my (grand)father or I am dropping my son off at daycare. For me, 5 years in either direction would work. I may bump it up to 10 at some point, but right now, a guy 41-51 is ideal.
Bad Habits: NO DRUGS. Period. And yes, marijuana is a drug, I don’t care how natural or herbal or organic people say it is. He can smoke tobacco products (cigarettes, cigars, pipes) and he can even be a social drinker, but he cannot be an alcoholic. Seriously, if his personality is only evident when there is a bottle in his hand, I am not interested. He has to shower on a regular basis and his place has to be neat/organized and somewhat clean. I cannot deal with a frat house, bachelor pad, piles of dirty laundry or someone who has forged a walkway around his mountains of clutter.
Communication: He has to be able to both write and speak well…and in a timely manner. I need coherent sentences, proper spelling (typos don’ count), and the ability to tell me what is on his mind. If there is a problem, if I did something to anger him….tell me before it festers and breaks out in arguments and hurtful words/actions.
Level-Headed: I am the half-cocked drama queen in the relationship…I am the one who is ready to put her head in the oven, put bullets in brains and commit arson. I don’t need someone who encourages that…I need someone who can defuse and detonate the time bomb I can become when things are too overwhelming for me.
Laid Back: This is going to sound very convoluted but in addition to being laid back, he has to have a thick skin and take charge attitude. I need a guy who can go with the flow (I can be indecisive at times) and be okay with being a homebody lots of times but knows when to step up and break me out of my rut. Introduce me to new things, new activities. He needs a thick skin because I have found most men can dish out negativity and throw a girl under the bus in a heartbeat but when the tables are turned…they are sniveling little cowards and I find I am stuck with a spoiled little girl instead of a man…all claiming I have “finally shown my true colors”. No, I haven’t…I have shown you that beneath all the sweetness and eager to please personality, there lies a strong woman who will only be your doormat for so long. So if you can’t swallow your own medicine, don’t try to feed it to me.
Intelligent: It trumps education any day in my book. Your bachelor’s or masters means nothing to me if you write like an illiterate first grader, cannot articulate your thoughts and have no idea who the Presidential nominees are. I enjoy conversation, I enjoy learning and I love hearing people’s opinions on everything from the state of local government to pop culture. I find intelligent people tend to think for themselves and have more life experience (thus a more interesting perspective) than the educated person who repeats verbatim an op-ed article from the New York Times. I want our conversations to make me think, make me ask questions….teach me, learn from me.
Respectful: This is kinda broad…after all, a guy can think not referring to women as bitches in my presence is a good thing but if he feels the need to refer to any woman as a bitch…not for me. It goes beyond holding the door or getting the check at dinner. It is how you treat people, how you view others who may be in a different place/space….how you view the less fortunate and what you do each day to make things better for you, your environment and those who share your world. It doesn’t have to be financial in nature but sometimes…a smile or an encouraging word goes a long way. Perhaps I seek a compassionate person because compassion and respect go hand in hand.
Sense of Humor: He has to make me laugh…at him, myself and the world. Help me see the positives in a negative situation.
Caring/Nurturing: I like being pampered and it does not happen often enough. I want a man who will massage me until I say stop, who will cook for me, feed me chicken soup when I am sick and maybe…brush my hair and even read to me. A man who will surprise me with flowers and the occasional gift just because I’m me. A man who can advise me and guide me when I veer off the path and who will hold me and keep the darkness away if only for a little while. It does not have to happen all the time but often enough so when it does happen, I am not wondering what he wants from me or what did he do wrong.
Sex: I once said the perfect man for me had a clean body, a dirty mind and a whole lot of kink. I am a sensuous person and I do enjoy sex. I find it to be a natural expression of love and caring with the right person. I do not view it as a weapon (withholding it to manipulate what I want) nor is it a right (people who expect it whenever THEY are in the mood for it)..sex is mutual, pleasurable and if I am lucky…never boring. Of course, there has to be chemistry and attraction; open-mindedness is a plus and willing to be adventurous and explore outside the lines (if only in fantasy) would be ideal. Monogamy is a given and a man whose pleasure comes from mine is a must, as I am the same way. Here is a hint/tip to the next guy: let me take care of you first. Not only do I enjoy it, I tend to be a man when it comes to sex…selfish. Once I am sated…you will be left holding the short end of the stick while I sleep.
Okay, I think I have covered enough ground for now….and except for the being white part, I think I can offer the same in return. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day! I will be back soon (with my boring life) with a new post.