Peace in the Valley

For the first time since I have started this blog, I can honestly say that there is no drama or anything resembling drama going on. Not only with me but with the entire Panel. I cannot believe it…..after all the chaos and drama since I started this blog, it is almost not normal, but I am certainly enjoying it. I attribute it to the fact that even drama needs a break/rest sometimes, we are all in good places/spaces right now and I have learned to not take on every  potential lost cause or  bit of OMG  gossip as my own personal crusade. Life is what it is and sometimes…it can be pretty good. Granted knowing that  Boobycake has passed is NOT a good thing, but I am going to try to focus on what her friendship gave me and what she left me with. So without further ado (before I start crying again), here is a rundown and an update on me and my crew.

Guardian Princess: I NEVER talk about her and with good reason. She never has any drama! I guess she doesn’t because she is so busy defusing mine. She is simply the sweetest, kindest and most unselfish person I know and she has been maintaining her current weight loss and striving to lose even more. I am both proud and envious.

Chef: Well, March Madness is over and he is almost back to being normal. Culinary school has started for another semester so that fills his time along with DIY home renovations on one of the properties he owns. There are no more random updates about him….instead, positive support and encouragement towards job searching and tips and advice on how best to conduct the research for business plans and small business loans for me and I am encouraging him to put himself back out there. Not necessarily for a relationship or even for something sexual, but sometimes a dinner with a member of the opposite sex is sorta nice. He agrees. Of course, he still drives me crazy at times (and I am a willing participant), but that is what we do together.

Artsy Craftsy: The woman who makes the ordinary extraordinary is back….and at least 35 pounds lighter! Oh, did I mention she has taken up running? Again, envious and proud. Work is still a pain in the ass but it does deliver a paycheck which allows her to go shopping for new clothes in different sizes. We are back to having the most random of conversations ranging from fashion, my “dates”, books to home improvements (hers, not mine), diet plans and the best snacks. Oh, how I miss her when she is gone and how happy I am to have her back.

New Mommy: She’s a mom and we love it. Not as much as she loves it, of course but we do. She keeps us updated on little K-Bugg all the time and the love and pride in her voice almost makes me want to see what all this parenting fuss is about. She is getting more into cooking (and cooking healthy) after spending months and months of making home-made baby food and has bought all kinds of cookbooks with funky and yummy sounding titles. She calls them food porn and promises to share all the good recipes with us.

Cuz: He’s back and not crazy and I have missed his humor, intelligence and insight on the most mundane of topics. We are still having late night gabfests and even spent the day out together…lunch at 5 Guys, movies, window shopping and dinner in Chinatown. Cuz is talking of relocating but he is not just rushing off willy-nilly….he wants to make a plan, job search and make sure it is really what he wants to do. He is growing up and I am so proud of him.

Quiet One: She has been on vacation for two weeks. She didn’t tell anyone (I am guessing she wanted a relaxing vacation) but anything to rejuvenate the spirit and cut some slack from the routine is good in my book.

Morning Person: She is so happy  that we are being quiet and good, she does not know what to do. I have to admit, I overload her with so much information it gives me a headache but she always handles it in stride, even with all  of her  own stuff.  Now that there are no updates or information to receive, she is enjoying the quiet and hoping it lasts. We all know it won’t (Artsy Craftsy keeps calling this the calm before the mother of all storms) but for now, Morning Person is enjoying the peace….to the point she is not even picking up her phone or returning phone calls. I am not even miffed…she deserves the break.

Girlfriend: Everything is good for my sweetie….work is going well, the move into her new place was smooth and she is having a blast putting it together. We have both decided no more recycling  as far as men go and are waiting to start fresh. In the meantime, she is taking advantage of the warmer weather with all kinds of outdoor activities and I am thinking a possible trip out of town for Memorial Day.

Buddy: There has been no news from Buddy in a minute (they say no news is good news), but last we heard all was good. The new job is working out, he and Boo are still together and acting as if they have some sense and he was going to get started with yard work around the house. Ordinary things that provide simple pleasures. Sounds good to me.

UTA: My girl is in a great place….she is moving on away from the heartbreak because she wants to versus moving on because she has to. Work is better, she is being social and best of all, she is preparing for summer vacation! And she still finds time to send me encouraging, chatty emails and pictures of BTH license plates! I love her.

Policeman: The man is nerve-wracking but in a good way. He has given up other women and is working on his marriage. His job keeps him busy with training and extra hours but that doesn’t stop my friend from branching out with a part-time job that is turning out to be more lucrative than either of us thought it would be. I do not talk to him nearly enough and I am going to make myself more available for him.

Sister Someone/Brother Everything: It helps that I am no longer paying their drama any attention because legal proceedings are in their future. I am dead serious….of the three characters in that whatever it is….one will be in jail, the other a mental institution and someone will be in ICU at someone’s hospital But for now, they are all actors in a play and all are playing their roles beautifully.

Oscar: I honestly thought that things would be strained and awkward between us after our catfight but it isn’t. We both dusted ourselves off and have been back in love ever since. She is job searching and interviewing (I am doing the same thing and feel her pain and frustration) and just won the Best.Mom.Ever. award for throwing her son a fantastic 5th birthday party. Her birthday is right around the corner and unsure of her plans but I am sure alcohol and partying hard are in the mix.  

Tiger: I offered him the Fire Marshal position here on the Panel and he refused it. Work has slowed down some so he is enjoying regular working hours again. Warm weather is here so he is getting out and playing tennis pretty much every weekend, watching baseball and doing yard work. He checks in with me pretty much every day to make sure I am maintaining some type of routine so I do not feed too much into the delusion that I truly am a lady of leisure. Also, he listens to me rant and vent about the mundane and makes soothing “there, there” noises.

Mini-Me: This chick is just chilling….that’s it. She sleeps in, she is domestic and she goes out at least 4 days out of the week so she does not get claustrophobia. Since the rest of us are drama-free for the moment, she has backburnered her man to make sure she doesn’t have any either.

Busy Bee: She is still busy but not as much…she wants to add curb appeal to her house and thinks gardening may be a way for her to slow down some. Work is not as hectic and home life has settled into a routine of sorts…she misses the drama and updates a little but agrees that life is about moving forward, not looking back.

Bell Pepper: She has been in and out, off and on. All I can say is she is trying to hold it together as best she can and does reach out for help, advice and distractions.

Me: I have been doing a little of this, a little of that. I had another job interview that was actually promising; I had two great dates that are distant memories at this point (one bought me chocolates!); I worked a three day temp assignment and I burned mashed potatoes that I cooked for dinner one evening. I had to introduce chocolate back into my diet…the withdrawals were simply too bad. But not a lot and not every day. I am replacing sodas and juices with water and Crystal Light and am making veggies a daily thing. I am planning a “me” day which will include a mani/pedi and probably a movie…leaning towards The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel. And that’s it…I have had a couple of WTF responses to the ads but that is another post.

So my Panel and I are living normal lives for now. It is so different I almost wish it were tangible. I would look at it, touch it and maybe even take pictures so  I can remember that this is what life is supposed to be. Not perfect but not complete chaos either. Life should be manageable and the positives in it should shine through no matter what crap is flung…and for right now, this is my life and I’m grateful for that.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

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For Boobycake

I don’t know how to start this post or even what to say. Bits and pieces of sentences and of phrases are coming to me.  I do know that last night I was working on a blog post about how great everything is for me and my Panel…I know that I got up this morning to complete Day 3 of a 3 day temp assignment. And I was so not wanting to go in…it was raining pretty steadily and I could definitely have slept in, but I decided to do the right thing.

I remember seeing the former co-worker as we both boarded the train and my first thought was: “Wow! First I see one former co-worker ( the first was on the train I missed) and now another!” My second thought was she had not changed a bit. We made the small talk people make when they have not seen each other in awhile, and that is when she told me that my Boobycake had passed away.

I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach….I did not talk a lot about Boobycake. No particular reason why I didn’t and perhaps I should have because she was hilarious at times but pretty much she just was. She was the first person I met/saw when I went to work for the Craziest Bitch in America….she asked who I was there to see and when I told her, she told me turn around and let her see my outfit. Surprising thing to hear from a stranger, but she reminded me of my aunts with her no-nonsense attitude and her once over inspection to make sure I wasn’t embarrassing myself (unintentionally, of course). She introduced me to others in the office and became my lunch partner.

Boobycake became my office mom….she was the one I vented to when Crazy Bitch was too much, she was the one who would give me rides home when the weather was sucky, she was the one who was there when I got let go from the summer jobs program after doing more than my share of the right thing. Boobycake was the one who first told me hard truths about him and the relationship we shared when the breakup/fiasco first went down. I was so angry I did not speak to her for like 10 whole minutes. She was the one who told me in both of those situations to just leave it be and watch what happens. She was the one who reminded me that vengeance was not mine, but Someone Else’s to dole out.

We talked on the phone even after I had moved on to another assignment, she kept trying to get me to attend church with her but I kept making excuses.  She prayed for me. She told me all about her daughter and her grandbabies, I told her how hard it was to move on and she shared her heartbreak story with me. We watched Animal Planet together and she tried to get me into those Judge shows but I swear, I cannot do it. Not enough drama for me and she would tell me I have had enough drama for two lifetimes. We laughed, we talked….hell, we even went grocery shopping together and that is something I save for Busy Bee and/or Morning Person. We were friends and I love her.

Then she got sick and had to be hospitalized…she came home and we talked and made plans to get together…in fact, I last talked to her 10 days ago and she said she was okay but pretty soon, she would be all better. And today, I hear she died 2 days ago.

How weird is it that this morning she was not on my mind but now, I miss her so much. I want to call her right now and find out that the former co-worker had it wrong. But I know she didn’t and her phone just goes to voicemail. I thought Boobycake would be here….she was so happy I had finally found happiness and she wanted to meet the next man to give me her opinion and hopefully her approval. I was going to her house this summer (barring any new excuses I could come up with) and help her with a cookout. We were supposed to go to the thrift store out by the Wal-Mart once she got better. We were going to watch Big Brother together this summer. We had plans…probably lame as hell, but they were ours. And now she is gone and I am crying.

Life is so short….you HAVE to make time for those who matter and for whom you matter also. Make plans for sooner versus later. We really have to stop taking people and time and so many other things for granted because tomorrow is promised to no one.

And just like I did not know how to begin this post, I have no idea how to end it. Rest in peace, Boobycake…we met by chance (who knew we would both be early that morning?) and I never dreamed you would touch my life the way you did. I love you and I will miss you sososososo much.

Shake and Bake

Life has been boring and pretty mundane lately…I am told this is how life is for normal people. Not everyone is privy to and has  ALL the inside dirt on their ex and his ghetto wife, nor are they subjected to a Sister Someone. Conversations do not always begin with Guess what I found out or You will NEVER believe this. Normal people actually deal with normal things: work, bills, building/strengthening relationships, self-improvement. It is different way of life for me and I feel almost like a housewife: I cook, I clean, I do laundry. I run errands to the post office and grocery store and I job search. The new me actually wants to return to work…she is tired of being domestic for one and dealing with the knuckleheads who respond to my ads. She wants to be productive and responsible in a different way. New me is ready to rock & roll, shake and bake. She is the one who feels that there really are moments that will change everything…where the saying just because things have always been a certain way does not mean they have to stay that way makes sense and can become a reality.

Of course, the old me had moments like that: coming into recovery, accepting that him and I were really over, finally putting a positive spin on the breakup instead of staying mired in the misery (bouts of missing him do not count), being accountable for my role in things and not giving in to complacency. In fact, new and old me  had a moment like that yesterday….I saw myself naked. I mean, I really saw myself…not from the front where everyone looks not as fat. I saw myself sideways and almost fell out. My stomach is a basketball and I have to do something about that. I keep talking about losing 30 pounds but now after really seeing myself…everything has changed. I no longer want to be BBW…I want to be curvy. Nothing wrong with being fuller figured but let’s head towards the lower end of the double digit dress size scale. I want less tummy and back fat. And I am starting by cutting back on my sugar intake….no sodas or juices and sweets will have to go. The chocoholic in me is screaming in rage and frustration already but I am standing firm on this one…less sugars equal less pounds and hopefully will ensure that diabetes and I do not become BFFs.

Another area where it looks like everything is changing is on the professional front. It is apparent that it is looking as if I will never be able to work for someone else again…the permanent jobs are not responding to my inquiries and the temp agencies do not know what the hell they are doing or talking about. Couple the fact that too many are  trying to exploit  that it is an employer’s market right now and I am finding it harder and harder to hold my tongue in the face of stupidity, there may be a slight problem with placing me anywhere anytime soon. Thoughts are sprouting and growing in my head that the old me would never have considered….too much work and responsibility, but the new me wants to start her own business. She sees it being successful and eventually allowing us enough free time and resources to pursue writing full-time. And I am getting a little excited about the ideas she is coming up with.

Her first thought was a restaurant…after all, I am a great cook although I am not a fancy cook. Old fashioned, home-cooked meals that would definitely be a break from all the sauces and unpronounceable foods that flood the city’s restaurants. I would call it Grandma’s Kitchen. Except…three things DC is full of are politicians, lawyers and chefs. Location is also important…my restaurant would either need to stand out or be in a location where it would be utilized and also fit into the neighborhood. Word of mouth can make or break a business, so where would a restaurant that specialized in regular cooking with a traditional menu best fit in? I have an idea, but not sure it would give me long term sustainability. Lastly, a restaurant is a LOT of hard work….LOTS….and I have control issues. That may be too many hats for me to wear.

Another thought is to start my own staffing agency. It would be called Empower and I think it would be a good thing to have someone who actually knows what is going on with the economic climate from the other side of the fence to help others trying to break into the job market. I have yet another interview with yet another temp agency and again, I am asked how do they market me? How come my temp assignments did not net me a permanent job? And at this point…if I have to teach you your job…I should be doing your job. Attention, staffing agencies….the rules of the game changed a long time ago. No longer are you the gateway to a permanent job because not a lot of companies are willing to risk the long term investment in such an uncertain economic climate. Contractors are the way to go….if/when the money runs out, you make your cuts with the contractor budget. They knew off the bat that it was not permanent and your permanent employees get to keep their jobs. Instead of focusing on the fact that I have been temping (not by choice) for the past 3 years, point out it has been with the same agency and all of the extremely long term assignments segued into the other…less than 30 days between them. Remind your clients that the recession is not over and that even with record high unemployment rates, I still managed to stay steadily employed. It has only been 2 months since the last assignment and only because the market is slow. I mean, should I start my own staffing agency, that is how I would spin it. Because that is what you are when you work in the HR industry…a spin doctor, a PR person. And I am really good at turning negatives into positives.

The last idea is my favorite….hands down. Sex sells, people…whether you want to admit or not, whether you like it or not. And honestly, it is not so much the sexual aspect that sells (trust me on that) but the fantasy. So I am considering starting a massage salon (not a massage parlor….that sounds tacky and common. Salon sounds more upscale). I would call it A Tall Glass of Water and my tagline would be: Refreshing. Relaxing. And OH so satisfying. It would be completely legitimate, and if necessary, all of the masseuses (is that even a word) would be trained and certified. My goal would be to have a diverse staff: white, black, asian, hispanic and even middle eastern women. Actually, I would want 2 of each of those….one smaller, petite and younger looking. The other would be curvy with a more mature look….all part of the fantasy I am selling. Hell, I would even have a man or two in there so the women would have a place to come to also. NO happy endings at my salon and no nudity (low cut tops to show off suitable cleavage is okay), although what happens between staff and client OFF DUTY and in an anonymous hotel room are completely between two consenting adults.

So these are the thoughts new me is coming up with…of course it will be old me who will be doing the research and legwork to see what needs to be done to set something into motion. Which business do you think should be pursued? I welcome all comments, advice and suggestions as I am torn between at least two of them.  I plan to conduct the research between my daily job search, moving/exercising  more and avoiding chocolate and soda. I fully expect this to be headache inducing drudgery filled with red tape, fine print and a ton of legalese, but I have an offer of help. The unlikely volunteer  is none other than Brother Everything…I know, he is a drunk gold digger but he  knows a little about a lot of things and  already has come up with some great ideas which would greatly improve the chances for the maximum loan possible. We will see what happens with that….I probably will be on my own and that’s okay. Things are changing….new me is not a victim and realizes sometimes you need to shake things up and take on new goals to realize old dreams: if no one will give me a job, create one. Who needs a slice of their pie when I can bake my own? The ingredients are out there…I just need to go get them. New me is kick ass in a healthy way…and I like it.

As usual, thanks for stopping past and reading. I am super excited about sharing plans, goals and new options with you readers….Lord knows, I share enough dreams. And as always, enjoy your day!

A Week in the Life…..

Life has been pretty boring for me with the scaling back of contact with Sister Someone and ignoring only the biggest of news from the Land of Happier Than I Have Ever Been. Life has been peaceful and calm, but for some reason, I am short tempered and just not dealing well with bullshit. At first, I was wondering why but I am going to attribute it to the fact that I am no longer feeling as if I am less than or people pleasing or feeling that I somehow fall short because I stand out. I am no longer having the time or patience to deal with anything or anyone that is not contributing to or complementing my happiness and I am putting my foot down with things I can control  and/or no longer exerting efforts or worry to things that truly are not within my control. You know what? It feels GOOD and I am wondering why I have never done this before.

Let me start with Chef: You all know I love him and I consider him to be a great friend. Yes, he claims he will not loan me money or put me up should it come to that but I know (and he does too) that he will not let me be homeless or hungry. But lately he has been telling me all kinds of trivial bits of info about him…how horrible him looks, how him is nerve-wracking and then to top it all off…Chef is insistent on “training” me on how to behave/act when him returns. First thing…nobody knows what will happen with a return or reconciliation and I have enough hope (still)  stored away somewhere that I am working on channeling and re-directing into other areas of my life…I do not need more. IF the man returns, we can do a quick rundown…until then, I am not going to be preparing for something that will more than likely not come to pass. Second, ONLY if the man has lost his house, job or marriage do I want to hear anything. The only other exception is if him and/or BTH pull anymore WTF stunts. Him has already lost his mind and money, and while it was entertaining seeing the man (in less than a year) go from telling everyone how happy he is and how marriage to the BTH is the best.thing.ever. to losing the ability to speak to people or maintain eye contact and unable to buy himself lunch and apparently dress himself… I am no longer interested in what him is wearing (although the sweatpants and dress shoes was interesting), how him is looking (we know, we know…terrible)…frankly, at this point, I don’t care unless it is over the top. Seriously.

Another thing that happened this week that I simply did not have time or patience for was a comment from a male reader on my post about what I want in a man. The reader basically  told me that I was searching for a pipe dream with the qualities/characteristics and would need to compromise or prepare to be alone and disappointed. I was a little taken aback that someone would shoot down what is not a lot to ask for: respectful, intelligent, monogamous, caring and with a sense of humor….but I chalk it up to this dude being pissed he could not check off one box on the list, or perhaps life has worn him down so much he still holds onto the expectation that everyone will let him down at some point. Who knows? All I know is no one is going to penetrate my bubble of happiness and optimism…I refuse to hold onto the pain, hurt and negativity. I am not going to be bitter and miserable while calling it realistic and trying to make everyone else the same way. I know who I am and what I have to offer….someone else will also.

Remember my issues with the IRS? I swear, they are going to make me draft a plan to overthrow the government right after I put a bullet in Married Man’s brain. And now I have to retract both statements before I have the FBI, MPD and PG County police at my door for issuing threats against citizens and Uncle Sam. It is just that this particular situation is incredibly frustrating on three levels….first, anger at myself for trusting a known liar and coward (and EX-boyfriend whose advances I rejected); second, anger at said ex-boyfriend who has left me holding the bag (yet again) and having to clean up his mess and third, at the IRS itself. Their payment plans are the only plans I have ever been on where the more you pay, the more you owe. I pay more than the minimum amount (they want $35, I give them $50) every month but the fees, penalties and interest total $100/month. So really, my money does nothing…but I pay them. Well, I get a certified letter from the IRS this week …and you know that is not a good thing. In the letter they say I defaulted on the payment agreement (they are terminating it)  and I owe them pretty much $700 IMMEDIATELY. They also plan to levy my state taxes as of August 12th….and all I can say is more power to you. The state took their taxes this year (just as the Feds took their refund) because I owed them also. So if you want to waste time and money sending me certified letters until I file taxes for 2012…go for it. I have no $700, I did not default on the agreement (mailed the payment off 4/24 and Sister Someone is a witness) and really…I am done worrying about this crap. Either find the payment I sent you or cool your heels until tax refund season rolls around again.

The last thing that happened this week is the job interview I had. THIS has me ready to wash my hands of stupid people once and for all but some people hide their stupidity very well. And it is partly my fault….the interview was with a temp agency who saw my resume on Career Builder and the woman who called said she thought I would be perfect for an upcoming  Executive Admin position. I checked them out online and even read yelp reviews and the yelpers told the story: the agency was cheap and bottom of the barrel. I debated right then and there whether I should still go, but I went against my gut instinct and decided to give it a shot. Well, the interview SUCKED. The agency pays only $10/hour regardless of assignment (although once in awhile, they do get $12/hour jobs); she wanted me to come in 2 hours a day, 5 days a week  to be “on call” while she used me as a volunteer worker to assist the office with filing and typing. No sleeveless tops or blouses and dresses and skirts MUST be at least 30 inches in length and they offer no direct deposit as they say it is too costly.  I knew right then and there this was NOT the place for me, but I believe in finishing what was started so I continued with the interview. Next up was the skills assessment…

I passed the clerical test (spelling, filing, proofreading) with 100% ; Powerpoint 2007 with 70% (and have used it maybe 3 days in my life); Excel 2007 with 85% and Word 2007 with 92%….and type 50wpm.  At first, everything was great until I told her I had issues with the pay and the “on call” arrangement. THEN this heifer says her clients require these scores in the advanced arena and I am only intermediate and she has no idea how to market me or my skills to her clients.. My thought on that statement was even as an intermediate, with those scores, I still outshine her and frankly, if the economy were better, she would be sitting across from me, not vice versa.  She further says my resume shows instability because I have been temping for the past 3 years…yet, all of my temp assignments (except the last one which lasted 4 months) lasted over a year each. She asked me why had I not been made permanent anywhere and I told her: they are TEMP agencies…just like hers was a temp agency and no one is guaranteed a permanent job via the agencies any longer. I then asked her if she could guarantee permanent placement…and got a blank stare in response. Then I told her amazing how she was so gung-ho over my resume and my scores until I would not go along with her program, and that is when I left before I just cursed her out.

I think the common thread amongst these incidents this week was the fact that I am trying…so hard…to do the right things. I am staying away from him, I am visualizing what is best for me in a man/partner, I am accepting responsibility and paying on time and with the interview…I was dressed professionally and showed up not on time, but early. Even had all the paperwork completed and printed out on good paper before I got there. And it would seem that in every instance I was thwarted or knocked down….the old me would wonder why the hell I even continue to do the right thing, but the new me knows why. Because when the dust clears, I won’t be the bad guy. I won’t be the one at fault or having to retract statements…no need to defend yourself when you stand up for yourself  beforehand and in the right way. So I steer conversations in different directions with Chef, I hold fast to what I want in a person…as for the IRS, what can I do? They terminated the agreement, I did not default and the job interview? Not the first or the last and obviously not the place for me and I am okay with all of it.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading about my are you kidding me week and as usual….enjoy your day! And wishing all of my female readers a most wonderful Mother’s Day weekend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rough Draft

If you build it, they will come….anyone else remember that line? Granted, I am not building a baseball field/stadium but I am hoping that the same principle applies. One would think that writing down what you are seeking in a partner would be the easiest thing in the world, but it isn’t. It is easier to just write down what you are not looking for but then that leaves so much on the table and up to chance. Some things are vague and open to interpretation so being specific is a necessity and I plan to be as specific as possible in this post.

Today, I am finally taking action on a great suggestion to visualize what I want in my next man….and I plan to visualize everything (nothing dirty…I am firm believer that it is the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat. Although I am looking for neither a dinghy nor an ocean liner. Canoes, kayaks, rowboats are all acceptable). Of course, as time passes and I process and grow (or completely lose my mind), edits and revisions will be made but I think what follows forms a solid foundation. And I realize that I still have work to do on me so I am not such a handful…I still have issues that may never be resolved but I need to have a grip on them and a lifetime of emotional unhealthiness has left me with a different set of expectations: I am always looking to be disappointed and to have promises broken. So in addition to being all I describe below, he also has to be willing to be patient and more often than not, hold my hand while proving me wrong about his purpose and intentions.

Height: I am 6’4”. I have dated/been with men ranging from 5’3” to 6’3” and have hugged a man 6’9” so I know what it feels like to be somewhat petite. I have to say, taller is better. I have no idea why such taller men enjoy the shorter girls…I appreciate being able to maintain some type of eye contact while standing without cramping my neck. So this time around, I want a taller man…5”11 and up.

Weight: I am not perfect, I am not picky. I do know I am not into a really thin/skinny man…I do not want to hurt him or break any bones. The body builder types are not my style either…I want my guy to look normal, not all veiny and muscled. Like anyone I can appreciate a person who works out on a daily basis and takes care of his body…and I know a lot of hard bodies who appreciate a soft bodied woman, but if they have this fanatical approach to fitness and/or a cocky attitude (remember the personal trainer who sent me all the articles on weight loss and what contributes to weight gain?), not interested. I think my ideal guy will be average to husky/stocky. I lovelovelove a teddy bear of a man…I like having something to hold onto, but no way can he be sloppy with it (I’m not with mine) and he cannot be bigger than me. THAT won’t work.

Race: I am not racist and see beauty in almost anything. And given my current crush on Dayo Okeniyi (Thresh in Hunger Games), the fact that him is white and I am trying to get as far from him as possible….I still have a preference for a white man. Preferably one without male pattern baldness and who is not blonde (I am strongly attracted to dark hair and light eyes).Clean shaven is a big plus but if the facial hair is groomed,  well…I can deal. Oh, aging well and no liver spots is an even bigger bonus.

Age: I see nothing wrong with an older/younger dynamic, but I have found that there are some drawbacks….first, in cases of an extreme age difference (15+ years on either side of the spectrum), the relationship is either sexual or financial (if not both) in nature. Second, when you see us together in public, I do not want you thinking I am either having dinner with my (grand)father or I am dropping my son off at daycare. For me, 5 years in either direction would work. I may bump it up to 10 at some point, but right now, a guy 41-51 is ideal.

Bad Habits: NO DRUGS. Period. And yes, marijuana is a drug, I don’t care how natural or herbal or organic people say it is. He can smoke tobacco products (cigarettes, cigars, pipes) and he can even be a social drinker, but he cannot be an alcoholic. Seriously, if his personality is only evident when there is a bottle in his hand, I am not interested. He has to shower on a regular basis and his place has to be neat/organized and somewhat clean. I cannot deal with a frat house, bachelor pad, piles of dirty laundry or someone who has forged a walkway around his mountains of clutter.

Communication: He has to be able to both write and speak well…and in a timely manner. I need coherent sentences, proper spelling (typos don’ count), and the ability to tell me what is on his mind. If there is a problem, if I did something to anger him….tell me before it festers and breaks out in arguments and hurtful words/actions.

Level-Headed: I am the half-cocked drama queen in the relationship…I am the one who is ready to put her head in the oven, put bullets in brains and commit arson. I don’t need someone who encourages that…I need someone who can defuse and detonate the time bomb I can become when things are too overwhelming for me.

Laid Back: This is going to sound very convoluted but in addition to being laid back, he has to have a thick skin and take charge attitude. I need a guy who can go with the flow (I can be indecisive at times) and be okay with being a homebody lots of times but knows when to step up and break me out of my rut. Introduce me to new things, new activities. He needs a thick skin because I have found most men can dish out negativity  and throw a girl under the bus in a heartbeat but when the tables are turned…they are sniveling little cowards and I find I am stuck with a spoiled little girl instead of a man…all claiming I have “finally shown my true colors”. No, I haven’t…I have shown you that beneath all the sweetness and eager to please personality, there lies a strong woman who will only be your doormat for so long. So if you can’t swallow your own medicine, don’t try to feed it to me.

Intelligent: It trumps education any day in my book. Your bachelor’s or masters means nothing to me if you write like an illiterate first grader, cannot articulate your thoughts and have no idea who the Presidential nominees are. I enjoy conversation, I enjoy learning and I love hearing people’s opinions on everything from the state of local government to pop culture. I find intelligent people tend to think for themselves and have more life experience (thus a more interesting perspective) than the educated person who repeats verbatim an op-ed article from the New York Times. I want our conversations to make me think, make me ask questions….teach me, learn from me.

Respectful: This is kinda broad…after all, a guy can think not referring to women as bitches in my presence is a good thing but if he feels the need to refer to any woman as a bitch…not for me. It goes beyond holding the door or getting the check at dinner. It is how you treat people, how you view others who may be in a different place/space….how you view the less fortunate and what you do each day to make things better for you, your environment and those who share your world. It doesn’t have to be financial in nature but sometimes…a smile or an encouraging word goes a long way. Perhaps I seek a compassionate person because compassion and respect go hand in hand.

Sense of Humor: He has to make me laugh…at him, myself and the world. Help me see the positives in a negative situation.

Caring/Nurturing: I like being pampered and it does not happen often enough. I want a man who will massage me until I say stop, who will cook for me, feed me chicken soup when I am sick and maybe…brush my hair and even read to me. A man who will surprise me with flowers and the occasional gift just because I’m me. A man who can advise me and guide me when I veer off the path and who will hold me and keep the darkness away if only for a little while. It does not have to happen all the time but often enough so when it does happen, I am not wondering what he wants from me or what did he do wrong.

Sex: I once said the perfect man for me had a clean body, a dirty mind and a whole lot of kink. I am a sensuous person and I do enjoy sex. I find it to be a natural expression of love and caring with the right person. I do not view it as a weapon (withholding it to manipulate what I want) nor is it a right (people who expect it whenever THEY are in the mood for it)..sex is mutual, pleasurable and if I am lucky…never boring. Of course, there has to be chemistry and attraction; open-mindedness is a plus and willing to be adventurous and explore outside the lines (if only in fantasy) would be ideal. Monogamy is a given and a man whose pleasure comes from mine is a must, as I am the same way. Here is a hint/tip to the next guy: let me take care of you first. Not only do I enjoy it, I tend to be a man when it comes to sex…selfish. Once I am sated…you will be left holding the short end of the stick while I sleep.

Okay, I think I have covered enough ground for now….and except for the being white part, I think I can offer the same in return. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day! I will be back soon (with my boring life) with a new post.

 

 

 

Conflicted

Today is a strange day…it is cloudy but warm and humid. The air is thick and still, rain threatening and even the meteorologists are calling for storms. I was supposed to get up and go get my main/pedi today, but decided against it. I have gotten the majority of my errands taken care of since my last blog post and even the laundry is done. The house is clean enough I suppose (I would not turn away unexpected company) and I plan to cook something at some point by the time Monday arrives. I have been reading the Hunger Games trilogy (on Book 3  now…read Book 2 in less than a day) while  I try to organize and arrange my thoughts for the blog post born of a great suggestion.

Except those thoughts bring up thoughts of him, of my ambivalent, conflicted feelings…feelings that have no outlet except this blog, where I write the letters him will never see or read. The letters where I let him know all that I know and I gloat even when I say I am not. Yet even then, in all my gloating and quasi-hatred, my love shines through but  I refuse to beg the man back and him is not coming back proclaiming undying love…no, I get second-hand stories that I refuse to reach out over because despite what is happening, how he looks and him’s lack of direct communication (which tells me so much more)…I have to go by actions this time and his actions (or lack thereof) show me where he wants to be and who he wants to be with.

I miss him today, but now my missing him has become complicated: I miss him…then I wonder if what I miss, what I remember was really as great as I think it was. I do that you know…I build things up, put people on pedestals and really…it is all so undeserving. Then I get angry at myself for still missing him, for still wondering when I am moving on and supposedly progressing and him moved on a long time ago, if ever he were here.  I looked at pictures of him today, and the differences between then and now are so evident. One of the photos was taken the day of his wedding…of course, him did not give it to me… I snatched it while Facebook stalking so long ago. I make no apologies for that…I was out of my mind with hurt and pain and questions. It has been a long time since I shed tears over this photo…and today was no different. No tears. He looked older, thinner and while there was a smile on his lips there was none in his eyes….and that is when the anger and ambivalence began. I say I want to be able to talk with him, but that is not entirely true. I also want to scream at him, yell at him and punch him. I want him to know that the pain he inflicted still comes and goes and at times, it is as piercing as when it first happened and I want him to feel it also. I say I want him to be happy…and I do but I also want him to acknowledge the happiness he had with me. I say I am moving on…and I am, but I still feel as if I am holding onto him as I do so. Is this making sense to anyone but me?

Why, after all this time and after all I have went though emotionally with this man am I still so eager to give him a leg up and a hand out? Him certainly had no problems telling me no and denying me when I was in need and we were supposedly together or at the very least, really good friends. And I can honestly say I may be one of two people who truly cared for him who did not have a hand out or an eye on his wallet.   The man had no problem giving ALL who cared about his well-being his ass to kiss, and I still ask myself why do I still hold so much love and caring for him even now when I say I am ready to prepare myself further for someone new? Why hasn’t the process which has done such wonderful things with me and my self-everythings been able to conquer this stupid hold? It is not as prevalent or as consistent, but every once in awhile, it rises up to let me know that no, it was not the healthiest relationship and not all I thought it was, but that I love(d) him not only because of but also in spite of. Not good for a girl wanting to tell the world all she is looking for in another but when I think of what I want next time around, all I can do is think of what made the great times with him so great.

But we are moving forward into a new chapter…time to pull on big girl panties and leave speculations and questions where they are. Face the facts that form the present reality: he lied, led me on and holds no remorse or regret for his treatment of me. Him could not, did not treat me or my love as special except when we were naked…he utterly rejected me and completely embraced and devoted himself to another. Time to be truthful and admit that this missive is the result of the part of me that still clings to a shred of hope…that him will see, him will realize and make the necessary changes so I don’t have to exert more efforts with someone new. The part of me that doesn’t want to get over him even though I already know that even if there were no BTH, it would be someone else or something else that drives him away and leaves me hurt and bewildered. And we are working on that part.

My newfound peace and happiness shines through and dissipates that part of me much as sun breaks through clouds. The New Me has no time to view wreckage and try to piece the past back together…she wants to see what is ahead of her and who will be next on her dance card. The New Me even knows (somewhat) what she wants in this man and what she wants out of the relationship and she will tell us in my next blog post.

 

Inbox Idiots

I had a great time with Girlfriend on Date Night…we talked, laughed and caught each other up on our lives…we ate sensibly so we were not too full to go to the movies afterwards and we saw Hunger Games….and I was completely discombobulated afterwards. I was expecting your typical teen movie: romance and happy endings. This movie was stark and bleak and I almost want to use the word “unhealthy”….there was no fantasy fairytale here. It was reality with no apologies…and I am slightly hooked. I have ordered the books so I can see what the movie did not show or say and am seriously debating seeing it again. But, we’ll see….I tend to jump all up on bandwagons only to find out that some things really are just a one-time rush.

For the past two days, I have had all these great plans…I was going to clean, do laundry, go do some shopping for the home (some groceries and cleaning supplies), get a mani/pedi and even perm my hair. Yes, I know I said I was going to let it stay natural and breathe healthy but my curls are not coming through because my hair is really thick and the texture feels funny. I still have not gotten used to it and I am ready to go back to the way things were (hair-wise, at least).

However, none of that has happened…well, the housecleaning is done and the laundry is ready to be put in the wash but all my errands? Not run/done and not sure when they will be. Day 1 of the plan was shot down due to unexpected drama that pretty much occupied me and some Panel members for most of the day….Brother Everything has stepped forward again to present his side of the story and while it is interesting (and a tad disturbing), we are not jumping out there. Sister Someone is on her own this time and the funny thing is…she neither knows (NOT because she has not been told…that is how strong her denial is) nor would she care if she did. And today, I am cramping…badly. All I want is a hot shower and some pizza…groceries and cleaning supplies will have to wait for another day or so, the mani/pedi will be waiting when I get there and the Five Guys burger I have been craving? I am sure it will be just as greasy and calorie laden on say a Saturday as it will be today. Perming my hair is still up for debate…so while I get ready to order pizza and get a shower, I was sorting through emails and once again, my online ad(s) is/are generating responses from some of the silliest men ever. Idiotic men with double standards and apparently no concept of the English language or the unwritten rules of mutually beneficial dates. Below are the ones that have me crossing my eyes this week….

The Nerd: I never responded to this dude…his email address read like a spam ad and the message could have said: I am stupid and maybe then I would have understood.  He says he loves me and wants me to love him and for us to share our love together. And soon…can’t forget the soon part. Then he signed it: The Nerd loves you. So yeah…he got deleted. Quickly.

Mr. Let Me Do You a Favor: This one was all my fault…no kidding. When he sent his response which stated he was not into BBWs OR into being generous but he was willing to take a chance as long as generosity stayed off the table….I should have trashed him right then and there. Except I write back asking if he is not into anything mentioned in the ad, why write me? Then he comes back with crap so convoluted it made my head hurt to try and make sense of it….then he googled me! I swear, I cannot stand that simply because I find it to be an invasion of privacy. These men asking for/seeking discretion are all over the internet trying to find out about me and for what? I have nothing to hide and I am not going to be running around setting up all kinds of phony email accounts because a real woman online is apparently a Miracle of the First Order. But what really got me was how he asked if we could do dinner and meet and when I refused he wants to tell me to not use my work email address as I could lose my job using it for personal business. I have zero idea what he is talking about and now that he is in the spam filter…I will never know.

Mr. Monogamous: This dude apparently doesn’t know that a mutually beneficial arrangement is the ultimate in no strings, no commitment. He comes out the gate stating he wants to see me at least 3 times a week and asks would he be my only one. Really? I do not recall stating I was looking for a boyfriend or that I was looking to meet multiple times per week. I do know that what I do put out there gets ignored: I request a certain age range…I have 25 year olds trying to get with me. I state to not respond if you are unsure what mutually beneficial or generous means….I get guys confusing mutually beneficial with mutually pleasurable and putting their own spin on financial generosity. If I were looking for something sexually exclusive, regular and ongoing…I would get nothing but one-time deals…so why am I surprised that I am now playing the ultimate NSA game where I get something out of it also, someone wants to play differently? In any case, I tell the guy his questions are strange because most men are looking for no strings or commitment and exclusivity (and regular meetings) implies some level of commitment/relationship. I suggested we do a onetime meeting and see if we wished to proceed to the arrangement he suggested. Then I asked him would I be his only one….I am still waiting on my answer.

Nebraska: I was shocked to get the email from him saying he was looking on the website where my ad is placed. I was even more shocked (and a little pissed) when he recognized my pictures (they are body only) and said he was “disappointed” in me. I fell on the floor when he asked what did that make us. Okay, I am going to go back about 2 ½ weeks ago to my blog post Odds and Ends. I told you guys all about how Nebraska was coming back to town for 3 weeks  and wanted to be with me…dinner, overnights, the works…from the guy who threw me out after me asking him had he eaten dinner. (I am never going to forget that one). So imagine how I feel (even though I have no intentions on meeting) when he tells me  through his actions he is keeping his options open for company during his visit. (This is probably unfair, but right now it feels so justified) The double standard is palatable…HE can go browsing on the site but is disappointed to find me there?  (And I am not even his woman…in any sense of the word) I told him I made no judgments on him…married with two kids seeking some strange. We all have reasons for doing what we do, and he has no room to talk. Then I asked what does he mean “us”? There IS no “us”…we were together 5 years ago and together is an overstatement. Then he asks how much am I seeking, and I told him that was none of his business as he is too cheap to pay anything. And I was not trying to be mean but it is the truth….when we had our week long one night stand, he did not pay for anything. I had to feed myself, he did not offer to reimburse my travel expenses and the fruit and chocolate came with the room. So whether I seek $15 or $1500…he will be loathe to help me out. I am not even holding out hope that this will be the end of him asking to see me…outright rejection does not stop that fool.

Lube Dude: There is a reason I seek assistance that  some may consider  higher than average…actually, there are lots of reasons….all mostly self-serving and self-aggrandizing, but one reason stands out above all others: it helps to weed out the fakes and flakes. Really, if a guy is still interested in meeting after knowing everything up front, you know he is serious about a face to face and not looking to fart around with endless emails. Unfortunately, serious does not always equal sane and while this dude is not completely insane, he definitely needs to be somewhere waiting for the medication cart.  He watched the clock endlessly so I would not try to cheat him out of his time; he wanted little touching or contact…pretty much he brought his own lube with him and fingered himself (yes, there) while I had to be topless and look at him (without breaking eye contact) telling him how much I loved and needed him. In retrospect, it was pretty easy and harmless but the man kept a manic look on his face the entire time and kept telling me to say I love him louder. Dude…I have neighbors and their windows are as open as mine are and the one below me is home all.day.long. Just because I am not married doesn’t mean I  don’t need discretion also.

Well, now that I have finished reviewing the standouts this week, it is time to get the shower and resume my job search (amazing how motivated I get to do that after reading some of the responses I get). Laundry needs to be done and I have a new post I want to get on paper thanks to a suggestion from a new reader and fellow blogger so look for that soon.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!