Repeating Myself


What you are about to read, I had no intention of writing so soon. After all, common sense and good advice are unwanted in some places and I can accept that today. I am still staying upbeat and positive, getting ready for Date Night with Girlfriend (YAY) and letting my friends know I am available for them…maybe too much so. Cuz and I have been having late night war council phone calls that last until 4am and it has been great. House cleaning, job searching and randomness fill my days and I found out Samuel L. Jackson is in the new Avengers movie…so going!  The Panel members are living their lives and everyone is caught up with each other and thankful we are all at a place where change is more than welcome.

I will admit, my nosiness is my downfall…if you want to tell it, I want to hear it. I know hearing things about him is somewhat of an impediment when it comes to my progress but seriously, I am nosy and the vindication I said I probably no longer need…yeah, I lied somewhat. I don’t need it, but I do want it. Him may never tell it to me, but I can damn sure see it and let others tell it to me. So less than a week after posting my letters to Him (you cannot tell me that the man is not somehow, some way reading this blog) and Sister Someone, they are crazier and more pathetic than ever and Sister Someone is actually knocking on the door ensuring proper delivery of her latest crap-filled bombshell. I am staying away and keeping my distance and no one is going to steal my joy…not this time around and never again

These two must know that and the kicking and screaming is getting louder and it is freaking nerve wracking… Tiger, Morning Person, Cuz and Chef have been there to keep me calm and sane. Do you all know I was so flustered and headachy I actually ordered Chinese food with NO fried rice?? Fried rice MAKES the Chinese food in my book and now I am stuck eating bland Shrimp Egg Foo Young. Then, I was ready to go off over my neighbor heating and eating some food I gave her straight from one of my brand new Rubbermaid containers…thank goodness Cuz was there to tell me it was not that serious and to just set that container aside for her whenever we traded meals again. So once again, I am writing letters to say what needs to be said without violating uneasy truces, creating unnecessary drama or resuming battles.

Him: SHUT.UP. Seriously, just STOP.TALKING. When I (and others) wanted to hear what you had to say, when there were questions, you had absolutely NOTHING to say and the few times you deigned to speak, it was always indirectly via the Island and when you did speak directly to me, it was always hurtful and hateful…as if I had done you wrong. Now,  you keep putting things out there and telling folks your business but those folks are my friends, not yours. Either go tell your circle of friends (if there are any left) or choose an option: if you are going to stay… shut up, put a smile on your face and show us all this happiness. If you are unhappy…stop talking and start doing. You were the one who gave more than me your ass to kiss when you thought you were on top of the world and now the lies that are coming from you in an effort to stem/turn the tide of all that you have let spill out are…not going to say ridiculous but the fact you expect anyone to take  them at face value, let alone believe them,  is. Research has been done (many thanks to New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy for not only teaching me to do it but helping with it) and while Story #1 is true, Story #2 is pretty much all washed up and no one is surprised.

In the beginning, when I was Jilted Girlfriend, I hung onto every tidbit you put out there, thinking it was some type of connection with you still; then, when Angry/Hurt/Vengeful me came along, I gloated over the bad news and poked holes in anything that could be construed as positives. Now, that I am where I am (content, satisfied, happy)…I no longer wish to win anything against you nor do I want to hold anything over you. If possible, one day I would like to be able to just talk with you (notice I did not say to you), offer suggestions if you want them and resolve the differences that litter the distance between us. I have found forgiveness for you, me…for us but you can hang up me ever forgetting. Not that I would throw it up in your face (much) but it does help me make choices that I would not have made a year ago. I am not wishing or hoping or pining for a reconciliation or even a friendship…I would like us to just be able to be civil with each other and there be no resentments. Yet, I already know you are not where I am…you still see Jilted Girlfriend or a Gloater…and I’m neither…not anymore. What I am is fed up with stupidity and denial; mixed signals (seriously, you put the crap out there but don’t want anyone in your business) and indirect actions. Sweetie… I want you to be at peace and have true happiness…and it doesn’t even have to be with me. (Magnanimous of me, I know)  I wish you to have happiness and peace within yourself and whoever you choose to share your life with. I want you to be able to let go of the anger, fears and insecurities to do what you need to do for you. Not anyone else. And only you can do that…so again, please …stop talking, stop lying and start doing.

Sister Someone: I have no words…you are going to make me appoint this Panel a Fire Marshal and their only job will be to spray your ass with the fire extinguisher every time you come around because we know you will have a raging fire either with you or behind you. I cannot come up with an explanation for your actions…hell, even with him I can say he is reaching out for help. You…you are just stating the most off the wall crap ever as if you were commenting on the weather. Sister Girl, debt is the least of your problems at this point and given what we know now…it may not even be a problem. I am not going to get into all of it here because I know that you will be back before I can even post this missive and that you will have MORE to add to this crap pile. All I will say now is you held all the cards…all 54 of them and you kept tossing the deck to Brother Everything. I have zero idea why…the man has shown you nothing but contempt. His need for control, his sense of entitlement (he has balls bigger than church bells) and his abusive tendencies have me thanking the Good Lord every day that I am single and that I no longer feel the need to be around a man who derives meaning by demeaning me. And really, if it were just you being taken for the ride you cannot buy a ticket for, that would be fine and dandy. You are a big girl, a woman grown and while your perspective is a bit skewered…you would be the only victim of the consequences. But, you have a child…a child who loves you and expects you to do the best for him and by him..and you aren’t. At all.

Between those last two sentences and what I wish could be conversations that never happened…these are the reasons the Panel and I are keeping our distance. This is why I am asking you to shut up…you don’t want help and get all hurt and angry when I am not all Cheerleader Barbie when you say you want to marry Brother Everything and that this time around is so much better than the last time. You have got to be freaking kidding me…the man does not lift one finger around there except to open a beer or turn on the TV.  Even though he is not working right now (the job fell through…big surprise), he does bring in an income and he will not spend one dime on you, the child, the household or even himself. You are buying the man’s toothbrushes and he will not allow you to take a nap? Have either of you forgotten that YOU are the breadwinner, that YOU are the one providing shelter, food, transportation and alcohol? He cannot make a bed or scrub a toilet, yet YOU are not allowed to nap on a weekend afternoon?

I am going to have to come back to you because the more I talk about it, the more I want to shake you and scream at you and slap some sense into you…and not even for your sake. For the sake of your child. So if I do not answer your emails or phone calls over the next couple of days…it is because I need to further distance myself and remember you are only seeking an audience to talk to, not a friend to help guide you out of this quagmire you are pretty much trapped in.

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