Have I told you guys I got my haircut? It was dry, thick and even a perm could not permeate the damage (how bad is that?) …in fact, the perm was helping to cause the damage. I got it done at a barbershop because it was definitely cheaper and the quality of the cut was comparable to a higher priced salon. My hair was completely uneven, drier than a desert and looked like colored tumbleweeds as the barber cut it further and further down. When he finished removing all the damage, I was hating my hair and thankful I had wigs. It is incredibly short and completely natural….and so different. I am still not used to it but everyone (except Sister Someone) who has seen it loves it. I debated perming it but I am not…I am going to let it breath healthy for a minute and not subject it to the torture I can inflict upon my hair.
I think the process I have been going through has done the same thing to me emotionally and mentally…cutting away at all the damage and dead weight, leaving me feeling different. Not sure if I look different (aside from the haircut) but I am happier and it comes across in my voice and attitude definitely. It is strange because it is something I am unused to (much like my short, natural hair) but I am enjoying it. These past few days have been pure bliss….I baked cookies, enjoyed cable television, listened to my music, blogged, cleaned my apartment and treated myself to lunch. All ordinary things made extraordinary because I actually enjoyed doing them. There was no self-inflicted pressure or stress, no worrying about things beyond my control and I finally realized the sheer happiness that can found existing in the moment and finding pleasure in simple things. I want to continue to do this…I want to stay in the moment and not worry about the future or cry over the past. I want to stay grounded and in the present so I can face life head on without having to fall apart first. And I am going to do more than want to do it…I am going to do it.
In my last blog post, I said “Worrying about others takes away from me and from my friends and family members who are actually willing to face the fact they have a problem and they are ready to deal with it” and I have decided I am going to stop worrying about folks who apparently are not sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is time to re-align some things that are just a tad out of whack in my life. I am going to start with people.….I am evolving and becoming a person I never thought I would be. A woman who is putting herself and her needs first….a woman who is striving to not let petty and ridiculous drama from other people and their lives become her concern. Not saying that the three people I am about to backburner do not have serious problems/issues, but what are they doing about their problems other than putting on blinders and ignoring sincere and very good advice from the one person who has never asked then for one damned thing except respect and friendship? If anything, I am the one giving them (even now) and today…I need to be appreciated and acknowledged. And I have that with others…I have friends who trust me with their secrets, who laugh with me and who cry with me. Friends who let me know that they are thinking of me even when they cannot call or write everyday…who do more than shit on my stoop and fly away. Friends who can accept the generosity I bestow upon them and realize it is because I love them and want to add to their happiness because they contribute to mine. The folks who are going to have to catch up with me….I do nice things for them and cannot get an acknowledgement or a thank you, and I do not need that in my life today. The people pleasing has ended…only if pleasing you pleases me will I give in to it.
I do still love each of these folks in my own way, but today I love myself more. I will still welcome their friendship but they have to learn to be a friend to others first. They have to learn to like, love and respect themselves first before anyone else can do so. I want them to take care of themselves: work it out, get it together and/or do a better job of handling the issues that plague them. I want them all to be truly happy… with themselves, their choices and the consequences of their choices.
So, the next three blog posts will be letters to these people…they will not read them or see them…the letters are for me and my Panel. They will serve as reminders as to why I am no longer rushing out there and exerting efforts. Sometimes, caring, like loving is best done from afar. Hopefully you readers will hang in there with me while I purge (once again) and vent.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!