Okay, so I told you all how I am in this incredibly great place and how it is now time to just let others catch up to me since I am done backsliding into what I know are lost causes at this point in time. I am writing letters and my first letter is to Him….I know no one is surprised. I am writing this one first because it will be the easiest to write, and this is the letter that really is for me…while him is aware of the blog and that I write about him, he has no way of finding it or reading it. I am not going to send it to him, so the man won’t get it that way.
You know, when I heard that he spent his birthday on the Island, I felt a twinge of caring and very briefly, the thought of what can I do ran through my mind. But it was different this time….it was like the caring you feel when you see the homeless, or sick children on the St. Jude’s commercials or the children up for adoption on your local news….you feel for them and you want to help…but you know you can’t. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to make sure you take care of yourself. And that is what I am doing…I am taking care of me, making sure I am better and working on maintaining my happiness. This is me taking another step or two further away from what used to be.
Do you remember that nickname? I would tease you for always being so grumpy and you would always tell me it was because you were such an old dinosaur…and somehow I came up with that name for you. I have not used it in forever, but today, for some reason it came to me. Strange that I would remember it at a time I am realizing and recognizing that the man I still care for and have love for is not around right now and may never return….and neither is the woman who called him that name.
I have zero idea what happened even now…between us and now between you and BTH. All I know is that from Day One, I have been privy to your entire relationship and that was/is unfair to all involved. Since you left me for her, tell me exactly what you know about me? I started a blog and hated your guts. That’s it…that is all you know. You have no idea what I have been doing or who I have been doing. You have no idea what I look like now or what I feel….and you know why? Because it is none of your business, yet I know ALL of your business.
It makes me scratch my head why you are letting everyone in on this marriage of yours….you are not listening to us when we voice our concerns. Oh, no…we are seeing it wrong, everything is great and we are all jealous haters. What you fail to realize is that those looking in can see better than those looking out. Your marriage is a disaster, BTH is not a helpmate in any sense of the word and probably not even a playmate. Everyone’s suspicions are now confirmed and for everyone to know about your financial downfall cannot be helping you professionally or on a personal level…we all know that less than 2 years after meeting this chick you are flat ass, tapped out, on your face broke. And how humiliating was it to be served with papers to criminal court in front of your co-workers? I have no idea how you got into this situation or why you stay (unless of course you are more twisted and fucked up than even I could imagine and this is a dream come true for you), but I am guessing divorce lawyers are expensive and between fucking over everyone who was in your life (family included) before BTH arrived on the scene, I am going to say a loan is out of the question also.
See….THIS is why everyone told you to slow down and think things through carefully. THIS is why I told you to be careful and to remember the type of woman you always seemed to go stupid over…they never see YOU…they see your wallet. Do you remember the afternoon in the gazebo…our last time together? You told me you were tired of dealing with gold digging women…you wanted someone like me…someone who loved you, who saw you. Someone you could be comfortable with talking about any and everything and just be yourself with. You were too old for children and thought I was that rare gem of a woman who was not rushing towards the altar or trying to have children….yet you went against everything that was you for this chick. You said it was because she made you so happy…you had never known such happiness…ever.
So you made your choices…and now you are having to deal with the consequences of them. And I can only say you are letting everyone in on the shambles that your life has become so someone can come help you, toss you a lifeline…something. Do you want me to help you? Is the Island your way of letting me know I was right, you were wrong and to please come help you make things right? I just don’t know if I can or if I want to….the few times I reached out (before it became this unimaginable mess), I was ignored, called names and told to mind my business. I was told that the no-communication rule was in effect and no need for anymore emails from me. But still, you put shit out there to my friends…and the more I ignored you…the bigger the shit became. And now, I am looking objectively at the facts: not being mean or petty or negative but face it, dude…you left me a broken wreck and I had to pull myself together without your help. There was no explanation or apology….you could not even tell me goodbye. You treated me as if I never existed and told people that I was a merely a two time hookup. Really? You were nowhere to be found when I cried myself to sleep, except sleep never came. You were the cause of a depression that lasted over 6 months and I have communicated with your ‘wife” (thanks for giving her my email address) and I never thought I would be communicating with wives again after Married Man and I broke up. So, really not sure I want to put myself back out there where I am obviously and definitely not appreciated.
I want to say I do not care and that you have a mother and wife so get support and encouragement from them…that you are old enough and have been around the block more than once so you should know how to handle your crap. However, to say I don’t care is a lie and if you really knew how to handle your shit, the entire Island would not know about your farce of a marriage and what is costing you, and I mean in more than financial terms. So let me offer you some advice: GET off the pot…it is obvious you are simply sitting there passively while your world goes down in flames. GROW a pair of balls or snatch the existing pair out of BTH’s ears (she really is wearing them as earrings) and DO what needs to be done to save what can be salvaged. Right now all you have left is your job….and BTH is putting that in jeopardy. You do not have to divorce immediately (isn’t there a one year separation period first?) but you have a bachelor brother who lives one mile from you. Move in with him (getting her out of your house will be a bitch), work out a plan where you can meet your financial obligations to this woman and still be able to get yourself back on track with a savings plan. You are in a situation where you have to stand up and make a move…really, at this point, it is BTH’s game all the way whether you stay or leave. So save whatever is left of your dignity and self-respect and cut your losses. Hell, if all else fails…file for bankruptcy. Start fresh all the way around.
Do you see where your choices have landed you? Your plan to retire within the next 4 years is null and void whether you divorce or not; you look like death warmed over: bald, wrinkled, sickly looking and skinnier than hell. You have lost the respect of your co-workers and subordinates, your job is on the line and you have alienated the few friends you did have. Maybe the better question is do you even care where your choices have landed you?
I don’t know what else to say/advise and am not even considering doing anything, because see….I am in a situation where I am happy. I am content and satisfied with myself and my life. I cook and clean again, I laugh today and there are times where it is as if none of what happened between us ever happened. I am at peace today, and I am seeing men who bring me fresh flowers, who have no problem helping me out if I need it and who consider time spent with me a really great thing, not a chore. Today, there are no tears, no self-doubts… I am not worried about whether you are in a good mood or will want to see me or what can I do to make things better between us…I have come to terms with the fact you simply never saw me.
You never saw my love or the kindnesses I bestowed upon you. You never saw how great we were together when you finally stopped over-thinking everything. I never asked you for anything except time, friendship and respect…and all you saw were traps and hidden agendas. Well, I am guessing you see who has all the traps and hidden agendas now. So all of my caring is from afar…I want you to get it together and take back control of your finances and your life. Hoping this life lesson sheds you of the toxic bliss and helps you realize that what you want is not always what you need and sometimes…it is best to be with the person who loves you versus the person you say you love.