I am spring cleaning…it’s time. I really did not do anything last year (remember I was pulling clothes out of boxes like a homeless person) and this year, with my blinds open and the sunshine pouring in, I am motivated to do something different. So far, I have tossed out tons of makeshift containers and replaced them all with genuine Rubbermaid products. I made room for my new stainless steel cookware (basically pots) and have given away one box of DVDs and 3 boxes of CDs. I am replacing my pillows and featherbed and my bathroom has new (colorful) pictures and a shower curtain that has a gigantic goldfish on it I have named Killer. Next up is my closet: I am sorting through purses, shoes and clothing to not only switch over from fall/winter to spring/summer, I am going to finally get rid of the clothes that do not fit (seriously, I am not going to lose the weight) or that I just no longer wear for whatever reason.
I am making changes…positive, much needed changes that give me immediate results. Changes that help me celebrate the progress made and the woman I am becoming. Changes that I can control (how often does THAT happen?) and help enhance my overall happiness and satisfaction with life. …no, I do not have a job or a man and sometimes I make choices that have me wondering WTF, but I am here to tell you….I have never experienced the peace and contentment I do now. I actually do sleep on pillows of peace and sheets of satisfaction, but there is one thing about me that will never change and I have come to accept that.
I am a caring person….I have a big, soft heart and once I have let you into my life and my world on a deeply personal level, I will continue to care about you. Long after we have moved on, found other people and definitely when you are no longer worthy of it. And now we get to the gist of this post, because with all this throwing out of the old and making way for the new, I am worried about two people who do not deserve it and if they are to be believed have found what they have been searching for and are happier than they have ever been. Yes, I am worried and caring about Him and Sister Someone and I am going to just tell what has been happening.
Him: I can only marvel at how far I have come where this man is concerned….in the beginning I wanted to cry, kill him and then die. I just knew there was no way I could live without seeing him every day, I could not stop crying and the pain was so great I could not breathe. But with the help of the Panel, the process and you guys reading this, I found out trouble doesn’t last always, what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger and I was able to dig deep to make internal changes. I am slowly but surely regaining my hope, my power and control over me. I have gained lessons learned, I see the good in what was supposed to destroy me and I have forgiven both myself and him so I no longer wish him ill will. I no longer wish to see him hurt and suffering and I see him is. Definitely a result of him’s choices and actions but seriously…constant unhappiness, financial ruin, drug related violence and subpoenas are things I could never imagine being a part of his life in a thousand years. Couple that with the fact that his birthday is coming up this week and I have been thinking of him and the dreams have returned. In the dreams him is asking me for help, telling me that everything went so fucking wrong, it has always been me…and I wanted to buy him a birthday present. After the fiasco that was an Edible Arrangement the first birthday I celebrated with him on a personal level, I took to purchasing him a half dozen of really nice (read expensive) cigars for his birthday and I thought with all that is going on with him and his world now the man would really appreciate a decent cigar right about now.
Of course the Panel went ballistic and screamed NONONO and Chef wants to know why I am even considering doing such a dumb thing. But this is who I am…I care and want to make things better for the people I like/love care about and calling me names is not going to stop that. I talked to myself and realized that while I may do such a thing and not want or expect anything from the gesture, him is still not in a place to graciously accept or appreciate it and while I know today it is not a reflection on me, it would pretty much be me throwing away money and I like having dollars in my pocket. This is why I am completely in love with UTA….she knows I would buy the gift (combine caring with generosity with a spendaholic and what do you expect?) but she offered me an alternative: buy MYSELF a present instead of him. And I did: a stainless steel slow cooker, a jumbo griddle that can be used either stovetop or electrically and a purse with matching wallet. Problem solved…and on him’s birthday, I will send up prayers and hopes for the man to see many, many more.
Sister Someone: I just posted an update on this chick and not 3 hours after posting it, she shows up at my apartment with Brother Everything and her son in tow. The kid had a play-date with my neighbor’s son and what I observed and heard confirmed a lot of things and planted seeds of doubt about other things. First, BE comes in here on crutches because he “sprained” his ankle…the man’s foot is slightly swollen but trust me, he is milking this for all it’s worth….and Sister Someone is a fool for this man in more ways than one. So they show up and do not ask me why they did not stop at a liquor store before getting here….BE is a functioning alcoholic and STAYS thirsty. I am in recovery and keep a dry house…an ice cold Pepsi is the strongest drink I have. Naturally, BE wants a beer…and tells SS to run down to the liquor store to get him some. Since my neighbor and I were headed to the grocery store with the kids to pick up bread, chips and potato salad to go with the deli lunchmeat sandwiches we were feeding them, we offered to bring some beer back. However, when we returned with our 12 pack, SS had gone two blocks down the street to get him another 12 pack and he was already 5 beers into it. Us women are setting out fixings for the kids to eat and Brother Everything who only moved from his chair to use the bathroom, started yelling that his foot was getting worse and SS dropped everything to rush to his side. She removed his shoe and sock and asks if I have an ace bandage….I answer in the affirmative and BE tells SS to “fix his foot and make it better”. So the woman is on her knees in front of 4 other people, massaging his foot and wrapping it with the bandage….and saw nothing wrong with that. Now, the two boys are playing while all this is happening and every time Sister Someone’s child got excited, BE is yelling for the child to shut up, stop being difficult, stop being loud. Every time the child walked past BE, Brother Everything’s hand reached out to pop the child in the back of the head. I told him to STOP.THAT. BE swears he is just having fun with the boy and I told the boy to pop him back since it is all such a freaking joke, but the child is scared of BE…not respectful….scared. My neighbor has gotten sandwiches made and fixing plates for the children and BE DEMANDS a plate. Seriously, the man said he was like a male lion and we were his pride there to serve his needs…and SS served BE his food before she or the child could get a plate.
I also noticed that Sister Someone’s phone was ringing but she ignored it…I had noticed that earlier in the week when I called she never answered either of her phones but I chalked it up to them doing family activities, but now I wonder because soon after her phone rang, BE’s phone rang….it was whoever had called SS and HE was telling them what she was doing and where they were. So now I am wondering if BE is screening her calls and telling her who she is and is not allowed to talk to? She wears that is not the case…AT ALL, but what else would I expect her to say? Then BE and I had a talk about what he was doing back in the same situation he found so intolerable not 4 months ago…he swears he is going to make it work this time and when I inquired about The Ex found out that SHE had moved out on BE…he came home one morning after spending the night with SS and found the only things left in the apartment were his clothes hanging in the closet. Which in my mind explains his newfound love for 90 minute commutes (remember, his upcoming “job” is in the same city The Ex works) and why he was SO not where he was supposed to be (how do you get addresses mixed up to the point you are cross-town at the wrong building?) when Sister Someone followed him down there to return his phone. I am thinking not only does The Ex work in this new city, she more than likely has moved there. So it is not a question of making it work….BE has no choice but to make it work and I wonder what will happen should he reconnect/reconcile with The Ex? What if he really is about to get a job making damned decent money and no longer will be financially dependent upon Sister Someone? What about her child who apparently only hears NO, STOP and gets popped upside his head just for walking past a person? A child who is almost 6 years old and still cannot read and NO ONE but me and the Panel sees something wrong with that?
Yes, I am worried about Him and Sister Someone….but I rein myself in because these are two grown people who made their own choices. They ignored reason and logic and good advice because I am a hater bitch who does not want to see people happy. Sister Someone actually told me that she no longer needs to hear warnings or advice because she is going to make it work and to stop being a Negative Nancy and let her be happy. And maybe I am more fucked up than I thought….but if anyone can see the happiness in either of their situations..please point it out to me. I have always thought things that bring/enhance your happiness don’t take away in the process…I have never thought of happiness as being either/or. But there is nothing I can do for either of them and I may as well stop worrying about them and pray for them instead. Obviously, the question is not is it true they are happy but rather, how is that happiness working out for you…and I really do want it to work out for them.
Okay, so I have this off my chest…now to tackle my shoes and clothing today, maybe throw in some laundry and cook a yummy dinner…fried chicken breasts, cornbread stuffing, sweet potatoes and greens. Yum! As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!