A while ago, I wrote about the love I want the next time around. I want real love that does not have to be set free and put through trial and fire, that does not turn tail and run or leaves me for the next set of big tits that walks down the street. I want a real love with a real man who knows what he wants and has actually put in some work on himself and his issues/baggage. But how does one go about finding that love and/or the person who can give it? Not that I am ready to go searching just yet…Lord knows I am so incredibly not ready. I am just now learning to be comfortable with myself again; I have just now realized why I felt the need to seek out and stick with what were lost causes. Only now am I realizing that what you see and/or are given in the first 6 months will not change if given another 6 months…a man who mistreats you, who disrespects you…he is not suddenly going to become a Knight in Shining Whatever simply because you are being a martyr. I am still easily distracted by the background noise him makes and while I am making more progress each day, it is still something I am working on. At this time, I am wanting to spend time with me, be comfortable with me and be certain what I want…and be open-minded enough to make compromises if necessary and warranted.
I ask the question how does one find what they are searching for because Cuz and I were having a late night talk and he kept wondering what he was doing wrong…he wants something long term. He wants to go seek so he shall find, but for me…seeking is the last thing I want or need to do. I know when I go seeking, I am forgetting that I am searching for love….somehow, it boils down to finding a man. And that is what I find…men….at their worst and because I was (and can still be) so needy or so driven by validation of all types…I settled for these men at their worst. (Scarier thought…what if I what I think is their worst is actually the best they can do/be?) Men who are involved with other people (either actually married or emotionally hung up), men who are selfish in all ways (not just financially), men who are all take and no give, men who cannot be bothered to pay me the smallest/slightest compliment. Men who are seeing/dating me but when looking back on their exes…I am the exception, not the rule…and that is not always the best thing to be. Funny thing here is that even though I was actively seeking (which would imply both eyes are open), I was turning more blind eyes to more things than a little bit. I overlooked, discounted, settled for…all verbs meaning I took whatever came along because I felt that the ones I came across in my search was all that was out there.
I am choosing to wait…of course, waiting is not all it is cracked up to be. I did not go looking for Married Man or Him….they came to me or rather, circumstances drew us together. I used to say fate or destiny put me with these men but I associate fate and destiny with positive things, and not saying I was in Love Hell the entire time with these guys, but definitely the bad times outweigh the good. So let’s just say that the previous times I was simply passing time, waiting on the next person. This time around, I am choosing to wait for the right person. There are a lot of definitions for the word “wait” but the one I am going with is: to be in readiness for and I have a lot to get ready. I am not going to be sitting around twiddling my thumbs and holding onto expectations. Life gets better not by chance but by change and change is constant (along with hard work). I plan to be productive with my time…except not sure what to do.
Of course, it involves working on myself emotionally and mentally….I am still working on my issues. The demon has been identified and you do not know how much I want to say it has been removed, but there is lingering damage if it has. My mindset has to be re-taught and re-routed. The happiness and peace I feel…I need to realize that I DO deserve it, that what happened however many years ago is OVER. My self-everythings are still rising but it is like they hit a plateau and say…that’s it. So I am going through life with still low levels of confidence, esteem and self-respect because my mindset tells me that is all there is…and I KNOW that there is SO much more to be had. I want to be more comfortable with myself…I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back. I want my sexy attitude back without having to put my tits on display. While I am sure changing my mindset will go a long way towards my perception of myself, I am also going to get serious about losing at least 30 pounds. Less tummy makes everyone feel better.
And one thing that is seriously going to change is the extraneous drama and denial I allow into my life. Specifically, Sister Someone has GOT to go…her drama is unlike any I have ever known. It is so…..I do not think I can verbalize it, that is how bad it is. It is not like other Panel members’ drama…their drama is simply life when life can get overwhelming. It is the stuff we are all familiar with: trying to make a way out of no way, illness, heartbreak, family, financial issues, demons and issues. I can handle that and be there for them because I have been there myself…I can help and offer insight and I know that a seed has been planted. It is unlike him’s crap because him is indirect…I can choose to overlook his drama for a variety of reasons but my favorite is that it is not for me, the man is simply living his life and telling his business. But with Sister Someone, I somehow get directly involved and her issues are so deeply rooted and her denial so strong….it knocks me flat on my ass. It exhausts me, drains me and has me worrying about a situation NO ONE is in control of, and no way am I going to be donning a cape and mask to be anyone’s savior. I feel for her son and even Brother Everything…one is severely traumatized and the other is simply miserable. I feel for her because she is INSANE with denial and thinks everything is great and all be well once people fall in line with her plan and in love with her dream. And that infringes on my newfound happiness and peace and calm and other things positive…and I cannot allow that to happen.
So yes, this time I will wait and wait in the right way. Willing to try different paths (including weight loss) and open to attempting patience…never happened over here before and maybe it’s time. It’s a new me and I am excited to see what she does and where she goes….and it would seem that even though I wasn’t sure what to do with the downtime, she did.
As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!