I’m Waiting

A while ago, I wrote about the love I want the next time around. I want real love that does not have to be set free and put through trial and fire, that does not turn tail and run or leaves me for the next set of big tits that walks down the street. I want a real love with a real man who knows what he wants and has actually put in some work on himself and his issues/baggage. But how does one go about finding that love and/or the person who can give it? Not that I am ready to go searching just yet…Lord knows I am so incredibly not ready. I am just now learning to be comfortable with myself again; I have just now realized why I felt the need to seek out and stick with what were lost causes. Only now am I realizing that what you see and/or are given in the first 6 months will not change if given another 6 months…a man who mistreats you, who disrespects you…he is not suddenly going to become a Knight in Shining Whatever simply because you are being a martyr. I am still easily distracted by the background noise him makes and while I am making more progress each day, it is still something I am working on. At this time, I am wanting to spend time with me, be comfortable with me and be certain what I want…and be open-minded enough to make compromises if necessary and warranted.

I ask the question how does one find what they are searching for because Cuz and I were having a late night talk and he kept wondering what he was doing wrong…he wants something long term. He wants to go seek so he shall find, but for me…seeking is the last thing I want or need to do. I know when I go seeking, I am forgetting that I am searching for love….somehow, it boils down to finding a man. And that is what I find…men….at their worst and because I  was (and can still be) so needy or so driven by validation of all types…I settled for these men at their worst. (Scarier thought…what if I what I think is their worst is actually the best they can do/be?) Men who are involved with other people (either actually married or emotionally hung up), men who are selfish in all ways (not just financially), men who are all take and no give, men who cannot be bothered to pay me the smallest/slightest compliment. Men who are seeing/dating me but when looking back on their exes…I am the exception, not the rule…and that is not always the best thing to be. Funny thing here is that even though I was actively seeking (which would imply both eyes are open), I was turning more blind eyes to more things than a little bit. I overlooked, discounted, settled for…all verbs meaning I took whatever came along because I felt that the ones I came across in my search was all that was out there.

I am choosing to wait…of course, waiting is not all it is cracked up to be. I did not go looking for Married Man or Him….they came to me or rather, circumstances drew us together. I used to say fate or destiny put me with these men but  I associate fate and destiny with positive things, and not saying I was in Love Hell the entire time with these guys, but definitely the bad times outweigh the good. So let’s just say that the previous times I was simply passing time, waiting on the next person. This time around, I am choosing to wait for the right person.  There are a lot of definitions for the word “wait” but the one I am going with is:  to be in readiness for and I have a lot to get ready. I am not going to be sitting around twiddling my thumbs and holding onto expectations. Life gets better not by chance but by change and change is constant (along with hard work). I plan to be productive with my time…except not sure what to do.

Of course, it involves working on myself emotionally and mentally….I am still working on my issues. The demon has been identified and you do not know how much I want to say it has been removed, but there is lingering damage if it has. My mindset has to be re-taught and re-routed. The happiness and peace I feel…I need to realize that I DO deserve it, that what happened however many years ago is OVER. My self-everythings are still rising but it is like they hit a plateau and say…that’s it. So I am going through life with still low levels of confidence, esteem and self-respect because my mindset tells me that is all there is…and I KNOW that there is SO much more to be had. I want to be more comfortable with myself…I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman staring back. I want my sexy attitude back without having to put my tits on display. While I am sure changing my mindset will go a long way towards my perception of myself, I am also going to get serious about losing at least 30 pounds. Less tummy makes everyone feel better.

 And one thing that is seriously going to change is the extraneous drama and denial I allow into my life. Specifically, Sister Someone has GOT to go…her drama is unlike any I have ever known. It is so…..I do not think I can verbalize it, that is how bad it is. It is not like other Panel members’ drama…their drama is simply life when life can get overwhelming. It is the stuff we are all familiar with: trying to make a way out of no way, illness, heartbreak, family, financial issues, demons and issues. I can handle that and be there for them because I have been there myself…I can help and offer insight and I know that a seed has been planted. It is unlike him’s crap because him is indirect…I can choose to overlook his drama for a variety of reasons but my favorite is that it is not for me, the man is simply living his life and telling his business. But with Sister Someone, I somehow get directly involved and her issues are so deeply rooted and her denial so strong….it knocks me flat on my ass. It exhausts me, drains me and has me worrying about a situation NO ONE is in control of, and no way am I going to be donning a cape and mask to be anyone’s savior. I feel for her son and even Brother Everything…one is severely traumatized and the other is simply miserable. I feel for her because she is INSANE  with denial and thinks everything is great and all be well once people fall in line with her plan and in love with her dream. And that infringes on my newfound happiness and peace and calm and other things positive…and I cannot allow that to happen.

So yes, this time I will wait and wait in the right way. Willing to try different paths (including weight loss) and open to attempting patience…never happened over here before and maybe it’s time. It’s a new me and I am excited to see what she does and where she goes….and it would seem that even though I wasn’t sure what to do with the downtime, she did.  

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!




Repeating Myself

What you are about to read, I had no intention of writing so soon. After all, common sense and good advice are unwanted in some places and I can accept that today. I am still staying upbeat and positive, getting ready for Date Night with Girlfriend (YAY) and letting my friends know I am available for them…maybe too much so. Cuz and I have been having late night war council phone calls that last until 4am and it has been great. House cleaning, job searching and randomness fill my days and I found out Samuel L. Jackson is in the new Avengers movie…so going!  The Panel members are living their lives and everyone is caught up with each other and thankful we are all at a place where change is more than welcome.

I will admit, my nosiness is my downfall…if you want to tell it, I want to hear it. I know hearing things about him is somewhat of an impediment when it comes to my progress but seriously, I am nosy and the vindication I said I probably no longer need…yeah, I lied somewhat. I don’t need it, but I do want it. Him may never tell it to me, but I can damn sure see it and let others tell it to me. So less than a week after posting my letters to Him (you cannot tell me that the man is not somehow, some way reading this blog) and Sister Someone, they are crazier and more pathetic than ever and Sister Someone is actually knocking on the door ensuring proper delivery of her latest crap-filled bombshell. I am staying away and keeping my distance and no one is going to steal my joy…not this time around and never again

These two must know that and the kicking and screaming is getting louder and it is freaking nerve wracking… Tiger, Morning Person, Cuz and Chef have been there to keep me calm and sane. Do you all know I was so flustered and headachy I actually ordered Chinese food with NO fried rice?? Fried rice MAKES the Chinese food in my book and now I am stuck eating bland Shrimp Egg Foo Young. Then, I was ready to go off over my neighbor heating and eating some food I gave her straight from one of my brand new Rubbermaid containers…thank goodness Cuz was there to tell me it was not that serious and to just set that container aside for her whenever we traded meals again. So once again, I am writing letters to say what needs to be said without violating uneasy truces, creating unnecessary drama or resuming battles.

Him: SHUT.UP. Seriously, just STOP.TALKING. When I (and others) wanted to hear what you had to say, when there were questions, you had absolutely NOTHING to say and the few times you deigned to speak, it was always indirectly via the Island and when you did speak directly to me, it was always hurtful and hateful…as if I had done you wrong. Now,  you keep putting things out there and telling folks your business but those folks are my friends, not yours. Either go tell your circle of friends (if there are any left) or choose an option: if you are going to stay… shut up, put a smile on your face and show us all this happiness. If you are unhappy…stop talking and start doing. You were the one who gave more than me your ass to kiss when you thought you were on top of the world and now the lies that are coming from you in an effort to stem/turn the tide of all that you have let spill out are…not going to say ridiculous but the fact you expect anyone to take  them at face value, let alone believe them,  is. Research has been done (many thanks to New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy for not only teaching me to do it but helping with it) and while Story #1 is true, Story #2 is pretty much all washed up and no one is surprised.

In the beginning, when I was Jilted Girlfriend, I hung onto every tidbit you put out there, thinking it was some type of connection with you still; then, when Angry/Hurt/Vengeful me came along, I gloated over the bad news and poked holes in anything that could be construed as positives. Now, that I am where I am (content, satisfied, happy)…I no longer wish to win anything against you nor do I want to hold anything over you. If possible, one day I would like to be able to just talk with you (notice I did not say to you), offer suggestions if you want them and resolve the differences that litter the distance between us. I have found forgiveness for you, me…for us but you can hang up me ever forgetting. Not that I would throw it up in your face (much) but it does help me make choices that I would not have made a year ago. I am not wishing or hoping or pining for a reconciliation or even a friendship…I would like us to just be able to be civil with each other and there be no resentments. Yet, I already know you are not where I am…you still see Jilted Girlfriend or a Gloater…and I’m neither…not anymore. What I am is fed up with stupidity and denial; mixed signals (seriously, you put the crap out there but don’t want anyone in your business) and indirect actions. Sweetie… I want you to be at peace and have true happiness…and it doesn’t even have to be with me. (Magnanimous of me, I know)  I wish you to have happiness and peace within yourself and whoever you choose to share your life with. I want you to be able to let go of the anger, fears and insecurities to do what you need to do for you. Not anyone else. And only you can do that…so again, please …stop talking, stop lying and start doing.

Sister Someone: I have no words…you are going to make me appoint this Panel a Fire Marshal and their only job will be to spray your ass with the fire extinguisher every time you come around because we know you will have a raging fire either with you or behind you. I cannot come up with an explanation for your actions…hell, even with him I can say he is reaching out for help. You…you are just stating the most off the wall crap ever as if you were commenting on the weather. Sister Girl, debt is the least of your problems at this point and given what we know now…it may not even be a problem. I am not going to get into all of it here because I know that you will be back before I can even post this missive and that you will have MORE to add to this crap pile. All I will say now is you held all the cards…all 54 of them and you kept tossing the deck to Brother Everything. I have zero idea why…the man has shown you nothing but contempt. His need for control, his sense of entitlement (he has balls bigger than church bells) and his abusive tendencies have me thanking the Good Lord every day that I am single and that I no longer feel the need to be around a man who derives meaning by demeaning me. And really, if it were just you being taken for the ride you cannot buy a ticket for, that would be fine and dandy. You are a big girl, a woman grown and while your perspective is a bit skewered…you would be the only victim of the consequences. But, you have a child…a child who loves you and expects you to do the best for him and by him..and you aren’t. At all.

Between those last two sentences and what I wish could be conversations that never happened…these are the reasons the Panel and I are keeping our distance. This is why I am asking you to shut up…you don’t want help and get all hurt and angry when I am not all Cheerleader Barbie when you say you want to marry Brother Everything and that this time around is so much better than the last time. You have got to be freaking kidding me…the man does not lift one finger around there except to open a beer or turn on the TV.  Even though he is not working right now (the job fell through…big surprise), he does bring in an income and he will not spend one dime on you, the child, the household or even himself. You are buying the man’s toothbrushes and he will not allow you to take a nap? Have either of you forgotten that YOU are the breadwinner, that YOU are the one providing shelter, food, transportation and alcohol? He cannot make a bed or scrub a toilet, yet YOU are not allowed to nap on a weekend afternoon?

I am going to have to come back to you because the more I talk about it, the more I want to shake you and scream at you and slap some sense into you…and not even for your sake. For the sake of your child. So if I do not answer your emails or phone calls over the next couple of days…it is because I need to further distance myself and remember you are only seeking an audience to talk to, not a friend to help guide you out of this quagmire you are pretty much trapped in.

Brain Farts

The Conversation that Never Happened is over and done…no casualties. The letters are written and for a little while, peace and calm rule the day. Well, they are trying to …I am choosing to ignore the kicking and screaming in the background (NOT getting into that right now) and there’s the  group of deaf folk hanging outside on a dismal afternoon. They tend to forget that not everyone is deaf and the audible accompaniment they use when signing to each other is reaching my ears loud and clear, and I am a half block away on the second floor, playing music. But the deaf folk are fine…simply sounds of the neighborhood on a chilly spring day.

So I am getting back in the swing of things life-wise and I am amazed at the abundance of random thoughts and questions filling my head and you guys know me…if it comes up, it comes out. Hopefully this post that will help to dispel all the drama and weightiness of my more recent posts and the drama to come.

Samuel L. Jackson: Say what you want…that man is sexy, funny and in my opinion, one of the best actors out there. Want me to see your new movie? Put Samuel in it and you are guaranteed to have my dollars. Which begs the question: When is this man coming out with a new movie? If I had a Celebrity Panel, he would be on it, along with Flavor Flav, Drew Barrymore and Sandra Bullock. And let’s throw in John Cusak for some more eye candy.

Sweet Potato Fries: I am all for fried foods….but I am not seeing the attraction here. Other than being colorful, why are people eating these things? To me, they taste weird and I cannot see any healthy benefits since they are fried….frying tends to negate any healthy aspects of a food. Maybe I need to try them again…after all, I finally swayed my stance on guacamole.

Disco Music: So I was up at 3am one morning watching an infomercial presented by Time Life and it was their Disco Collection….We Love the Nightlife and I found myself sitting up in bed dancing to Barry White, Donna Summer, Blondie, Leo Sayer, Earth, Wind & Fire and The Bee Gees. Am I the only one who feels that musical era is completely underrated? Seriously, if they weren’t asking a completely ridiculous amount of money, I would have bought it.

Black & White Movies: I was talking with Weekend Phone Friend and we got to talking about Gregory Peck of all things. I was watching a documentary on the actor and mentioned I have NEVER seen a Gregory Peck movie…ever, but the man seemed like an intense actor. Then Weekend Phone Friend got to talking about how great black & white movies are and how he wished the Golden Age of Hollywood would come back because back then, it was all about the acting. You did not need sex and violence and over the top antics to sell a movie…just good writing, good acting and an attention span. Then somehow, Robert Mitchum came up (apparently he was also an intense actor) and now I am going to watch To Kill a Mockingbird and The Night of the Hunter…apparently must see movies which showcase the best of the best for Gregory Peck and Robert Mitchum. I’m excited and have popcorn.

Sensa: I’m fat. Not saying I am not okay with being that way, but I am. What makes me say this, other than it being true? I was sitting in front of my computer a little while ago and found myself adjusting my tummy…who adjusts their tummy to get more comfortable?? Seriously, who does that?  This chick, that’s who. And what struck me was just how freaking HEAVY the fat in my tummy felt…I honestly think if the fat were in a bag, I would have extreme difficulty lifting it…and seriously, If I cannot lift it, I have no business carrying it around. Trust me, this is more than being big boned and no, the height does not balance it out…completely. Which brings me to Sensa…I see the commercials, I watch the presentations on ShopNBC and I am thinking it may be a good idea. It will help curb my appetite without drugs, stimulants or fat blockers which will certainly help with portion control and it is easy as hell to use…just shake it on the food before I eat it. The cost is a bit prohibitive at the moment, but am considering their “free” trial offer….if it is as they say, I can swing shipping & handling for a 2 month supply.

New Job: The temp agencies are not coming through with anything, my applications for permanent jobs are not generating any sort of interest (apparently) and now I am looking at applying out of state, and right now I don’t want to. I am all for relocation but there are steps first…I do not want to start completely over living in a homeless shelter with no safety net or social circle.  I need money saved, a job lined up and an actual place to live. I want to have had scouted out the city beforehand to make sure it would be a long term fit. But for any of that to materialize I need steady, livable wage income. I need a job. I am thinking of changing my field but to what? I thought of the hospitality industry (hotels specifically) since all of the chains have locations everywhere, but no word back from Marriott. Then I thought maybe if I went into hospitality but not in an administrative capacity (say housekeeping) I could get in that way, but let’s be honest with that….no way. I have done it before and I am not quick enough at it nor do I have the patience for it. So for now, I am just going to stay strong and keep the faith that I am being prepared for both a dream job AND a dream man…if all else fails, I can always get into webcamming or if Sensa helps me lose enough weight, I can be a personal trainer. You know the kind that berates and humiliates all the while telling you to feel the burn and embrace the pain and I am helping you get your life back.

Suggested Reading: Being home all day makes me surf the internet more, and I have come across a blog that while is geared towards not only fitness, health and exercise AND upcoming nuptials, I find myself enjoying. It is such a change of pace from what I normally read (or am even interested in) and I credit the author’s easy going attitude and writing skills for that.  The name of the blog is Running Into A New Chapter and she offers recipes, exercise tips and photos! Check her out here:  http://runningtoanewchapter.wordpress.com/. For those of you who need the drama and the no, she didn’t (I know I do),  you may want to check out this next blog. The author is brutally honest, in your face and funny…and I love her cause she is my kind of girl! The title  of her blog says it all: Marriedbabymamamistress…you can catch her and her adventures here: http://marriedbabymamamistress.blogspot.com/.

Well, I guess that is enough random thoughts for now….I am still ignoring the kicking and screaming….once it gets to be too loud, I may address it with you guys, not with the them.

Headed now to vacuum, do laundry and find something to eat around here…that yogurt and banana are NOT cutting it.  As always, thanks for stopping past and reading, and as usual…enjoy your day!


The Monkey Wrench Catfight

I know I said I was going to write three letters….and I am. However, this is not the letter I was originally going to write.  When I first came up with the idea of this trilogy, I knew who the letters would be to and what they would say. The first two just flew from my fingers (not a great achievement given who the recipients were) but the third one…I struggled with…no one wants to emotionally distance themselves from their friends, especially friends who you know need you, no matter how right or justified you feel the reasons are for the emotional separation. And then, there was the catfight that threw a monkey wrench into everything…an in-house Panel catfight that neither party (myself and Oscar) saw coming and had both of us wondering who needed enemies when you have friends. So this post and letter will (hopefully) express my regret and the reasons behind my change of heart.

 First thing I have to do is issue an apology…I try to be a responsible writer and an even more responsible friend. In a previous post, I shared some news about Oscar which she never gave me permission to write about.  I did ask her via email but she never responded…that is when I took it upon myself (and based on our history) to give myself permission. In my defense, I honestly thought since Oscar is probably the most open and honest person on the Panel (sometimes far more than myself), sharing that piece of news would not be a big deal and that she would see the love and concern that the Panel and I had for her, but again… I was having conversations with myself and did not take into account any of how Oscar thought or where she was emotionally. So right here, right now…I would like to issue a public apology to Oscar for overstepping the boundaries of our incredible friendship.

Dearest Oscar:

First, I must tip my hat to a most worthy competitor. I admit, you surprised me with your retaliation to what I thought was regular, routine stuff for you and I…never have I been told/asked to do what you suggested. I think I know how him felt when him told me he had never heard the things that could come out of my mouth…ever. And the way you never fell when I came back with my attack…you traded me verbal blow for verbal blow until we both realized that lines we never knew existed had been crossed.

I know now you feel that I had betrayed our friendship and violated your trust, but we have never had boundaries….oh, I know that even you have “behind the blog” things that can never be talked about except between us…..so I didn’t know that I was doing anything wrong. And this makes me realize how important communication and patience is in any relationship…if I had waited…if I had known where you were emotionally, if you had reached out before lashing out…maybe there would be no Conversation that Never Happened.

I do appreciate you being willing to talk things over  afterwards  and able to give me more insight into us and myself. One of the things you said was I “preach” to you…and that bothers me. I try so hard not to be preachy or judgmental…I want to be loving and fair and objective. Please know that the advice I give you is given out of love and caring, and I know I can sound like a mom or an incredibly overbearing big sister at times, but it is because I have already been down most roads…good, bad and ugly. I try not to speak on anything that I have not been through or privy to myself. The suggestions I offer, the point of view I put out there…it is from my experience either with the situation or my experience with you and what I know of you. I know that hurt people hurt people, and most often the person we hurt the most is us. I know nothing changes if nothing changes and the longer one stays stuck and mired in misery, the harder change becomes.

You said I showed you a side of myself that you never even knew existed….and all I can say is I have always said I wear masks. We all have a dark side, a mean streak…I cannot make excuses for that side of me because there are none. The things I say and do once I am hurt are unbelievable and apologies do not even begin to cover the damage…I can only say I have been incredibly blessed to have people who know my past, my history and understand that I am not lashing out at them, but at their hurtful words and/or actions. And I must say…you floored me for a minute and had me wondering who the hell is this chick?  You also thanked me for letting you talk and express yourself so freely…but that is nothing to thank me for. That is what friends do because they are your friend…they care and want you to be yourself, regardless. If you cannot be honest with yourself and your friends…what’s the point? You never have to worry about how I or the Panel view you….we see Oscar: pretty, intelligent, funny and totally misunderstood. We see and we know because we are the same. We know everyone has issues and pretty much, we are all fucked up. We just all keep the masks in place as long as possible.

And now I am going to thank you…because I was (and still am) feeling so great for the first time in like…ever, I was ready to leave behind someone who needs a friend to be there for them, not yet another someone they feel the need to catch up with. Somehow, Him and Sister Someone do not fall into this category and they will stay in their respective corners until they do the next thing to make me shake them or want to help them because it is so utterly ridiculous. You told me that you were where I was so many years ago, and that I was an inspiration to you. And one cannot be an inspiration or helpful or a friend when they are moving far ahead of the pack, forgetting that they are part of a support system or that they are still in need of one. And yes, I am growing and moving forward but not as much as I would like to think…I am still impatient, I still react versus respond and I still have denial, especially when it comes to admitting my faults and mistakes. I am still needy and insecure and in need of more validation than I know. I am still fragile.

This has made me realize I still need each and every member of my Panel to both keep me grounded and help me move forward. Hell, I need all of you anyway because who else will put up with my randomness and ridiculosity but I have to remember that when I was stuck on stupid and hardheaded and had incredibly convoluted ways of viewing the world…I had at least two Panel members who were there and never, ever gave up. They were my hope and my love and my positive attitude when I had none. They moved forward into their lives but somehow, were always there when I needed them…and when I thought I didn’t.

So, it has been an incredible 24 hours and even though this never happened, I am glad it did. It gives us a new starting point in our friendship, and that we can freely go deeper into the underlying issues we both have without fear of judgment or breaking up. We know that there are boundaries and we can respect them. It made me re-think a lot of things and put myself in another’s shoes…the catfight has done what was needed and threw a monkey wrench that somehow has turned out to be a positive….I was definitely in a place of complacency with a lot of things and beginning to take people for granted. Now things are shook up, I am ready to make more positive changes and put forth more efforts to make sure that not only I but my friends move forward into a future not burdened by our past.






Keeping My Distance

Before I get started with my second letter,  have to tell you all…I have heard back from The Romantic Date. I was floored…I honestly figured it was just a one-time thing but he sounds promising. He told me he has been thinking and dreaming of my soft kisses, tender touch and beautiful eyes. He did not mention how beautiful I was (obviously an oversight) but he does want to see me again, and he wants it to be a full-fledged date.  I am thinking that would be nice.

Now, my second letter…it is to Sister Someone (again, is anyone surprised?). Let me state now that yes, she is still a member of the Panel but like we do with Cuz and Buddy…she will be left alone until she is ready to change her situation and that may never happen, and for real, she needs to change her mindset also. She is so blinded by her need to realize her dream of a family and so ruled by her lust for Brother Everything, she is endangering herself, her child and her job/finances. But, she is not going to listen to anyone….if you tell her what she does not want to hear, she tunes you out. According to her, she is in her joy and she is living her life to please herself, not others. I give it 4-6 weeks before her alternate personality comes forth to cry and ask what happened and how did she end up here.

Dear Sister:

This letter is actually an apology. After a lot of thinking and discussion, I have come to the conclusion that all the frustration and anger and hair pulling you have caused me/us is our fault. Not yours. See, the way I see it is you never asked us for anything: no advice, no wisdom and no guidance. You simply tell us what you are doing…you are not seeking approval or wondering if you are doing the right thing. You are just talking….and we are the ones who see the need to point out all that is wrong. We don’t mean to do it but we are all here to get better and healthier….mentally, emotionally and maybe even physically (Artsy Craftsy lost those 30 pounds!!), so when we hear the utter stupidity that comes out of your mouth, we say stuff to combat it. Sue us.

We forget that YOU are not the person we brought onboard to the Panel…your alter ego is. Your alter ego was in need of guidance, wisdom and people who understood what it was to always attract the wrong man and to always end up as Superwoman and Ultimate Doormat no matter how much we promised ourselves we would not fall into that trap again. Your alter ego is smart, funny, insightful and caring. Then Brother Everything came along and who in the hell knows what you have done to her or with her. Did she know you were waiting within, just wanting a chance to pounce and be free or are you a surprise to everyone involved?

You are selfish and sneaky and manipulative. You do things and tell us…for what? You are blind, deaf and dumb all over  a man who could care less about you.  You may not wish to believe that…after all, you think I am a bitter chick who wants everyone to be bitter and single and you are so far from the truth. I want all  who I care for and love to have as much happiness as possible with minimal pain/heartbreak.  When you told me about how you had given the man a year’s salary and a new car, I should not have told you that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard of as you simply wanted to tell someone what you were doing to keep your man happy. When you begged him and manipulated him into moving in, snatched the car back (only to give it back) and thrust him into the roles of Daddy and Husband and I warned you it would backfire…I apologize for trying to be a friend who cared. Forgive me for having already walked down that road…giving loser men money and trying to change them into what they aren’t. See, I thought I would try and help save you from the heartbreak he ultimately gave you despite you being the best girlfriend ever and so much better than The Ex.

When he left you so abruptly the day after Christmas and after 2 months of cohabitation, that is when your alter ego returned…for about a week. Then you surfaced again, and have been hellbent on realizing YOUR dream at the expense of all others…and you want us to tell you that what you are doing is okay. As friends, we cannot…but as an audience, we are more than willing to sit back and watch this crap blow up in your face.

See, if I and the Panel were your friends (which apparently you are not looking for), we would tell you that The Ex was the one to leave this time around and you are simply a means to an end until he can either drain you completely dry financially or win The Ex back. As your friends, we would point out to you that your dream man is in his mid-40s and does not even have a rental apartment that he can stick a key in the lock and call it his if only for 30 days, that his bank account is only 6 months old or that you are providing him with his only mode of transportation. Friends would point out that only the week before he moved in, he had you jumping through hoops and could not be bothered with you unless you were paying him or buying him something. But, as your audience and sounding board…we can keep the secrets and not say a word and no one is frustrated.

But before I backburner you and become a spectator,  let me say one last thing as a friend….get a grip, girl! The man has you not being able to pick up either of your phones, has you putting your son second and alienating everyone who cared about you. You no longer talk to friends and if your family doesn’t approve of BE (and they don’t…they see what we see)…you want them to get the hell out of your life. Yet, when he leaves you again (please join me in the Bitter and Single circle, won’t you?), you will be crying and scrambling to get everyone to help you get back on track and I am not sure anyone will be there. If people do come back, it will be different because you have already shown us your ass to kiss and where your priorities lie.

I will also ask you to not adopt another child…please. You can barely handle the one you have and let’s face it: with emotional baggage, potential mental issues, your incessant need to please the no-good men you invite into your life and the denial/delusion you carry around…it is definitely not a good thing. I am not even going to get into the fact you would be doing it for all the wrong reasons…because Brother Everything said to do it. Please stop wrapping yourself so completely up in a man and when he leaves…let him go and STAY GONE. I know you say it hurts so badly without him, but better for him to hurt you once than the hundred times he does when you chase him and try to drag him back. Get some self-respect and self-esteem so your self-image is not reflected by the fact you have a man, no matter how doggish he is.

And that’s all…the Panel and I will step back from friend mode and become mere observers while you live your life and revel in your joy of finally having a family. Enjoy it.





Get & Grow

Okay, so I told you all how I am in this incredibly great place and how it is now time to just let others catch up to me since I am done backsliding into what I know are lost causes at this point in time. I am writing letters and my first letter is to Him….I know no one is surprised. I am writing this one first because it will be the easiest to write, and this is the letter that really is for me…while him is aware of the blog and that I write about him, he has no way of finding it or reading it. I am not going to send it to him, so  the man won’t get it that way.

You know, when I heard that he spent his birthday on the Island, I felt a twinge of caring and very briefly, the thought of what can I do ran through my mind. But it was different this time….it was like the caring you feel when you see the homeless, or sick children on the St. Jude’s commercials or the children up for adoption on your local news….you feel for them and you want to help…but you know you can’t. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to make sure you take care of yourself. And that is what I am doing…I am taking care of me, making sure I am better and working on maintaining my happiness. This is me taking another step or two further away from what used to be.

Dear Grumposaurus:

Do you remember that nickname?  I would tease you for always being so grumpy and you would always tell me it was because you were such an old dinosaur…and somehow I came up with that name for you. I have not used it in forever, but today, for some reason it came to me. Strange that I would remember it at a time I am realizing and recognizing that the man I still care for and have love for is not around right now and may never return….and neither is the woman who called him that name.

I have zero idea what happened even now…between us and now between you and BTH. All I know is that from Day One, I have been privy to your entire relationship and that was/is unfair to all involved. Since you left me for her, tell me exactly what you know about me? I started a blog and hated your guts. That’s it…that is all you know. You have no idea what I have been doing or who I have been doing. You have no idea what I look like now or what I feel….and you know why? Because it is none of your business, yet I know ALL of your business.

It makes me scratch my head why you are letting everyone in on this marriage of yours….you are not listening to us when we voice our concerns. Oh, no…we are seeing it wrong, everything is great and we are all jealous haters. What you fail to realize is that those looking in can see better than those looking out. Your marriage is a disaster, BTH is not a helpmate in any sense of the word and probably not even a playmate. Everyone’s suspicions are now confirmed and for everyone to know about your financial downfall cannot be helping you professionally or on a personal level…we all know that less than 2 years after meeting this chick you are flat ass, tapped out, on your face broke. And how humiliating was it to be served with papers to criminal court in front of your co-workers?  I have no idea how you got into this situation or why you stay (unless of course you are more twisted and fucked up than even I could imagine and this is a dream come true for you), but I am guessing divorce lawyers are expensive and between fucking over everyone who was in your life (family included) before BTH arrived on the scene, I am going to say a loan is out of the question also.

See….THIS is why everyone told you to slow down and think things through carefully. THIS is why I told you to be careful and to remember the type of woman you always seemed to go stupid over…they never see YOU…they see your wallet. Do you remember the afternoon in the gazebo…our last time together? You told me you were tired of dealing with gold digging women…you wanted someone like me…someone who loved you, who saw you. Someone you could be comfortable with talking about any and everything and just be yourself with. You were too old for children and thought I was that rare gem of a woman who was not rushing towards the altar or trying to have children….yet you went against everything that was you for this chick. You said it was because she made you so happy…you had never known such happiness…ever.

So you made your choices…and now you are having to deal with the consequences of them. And I can only say you are letting everyone in on the shambles that your life has become so someone can come help you, toss you a lifeline…something. Do you want me to help you?  Is the Island your way of letting me know I was right, you were wrong and to please come help you make things right? I just don’t know if I can or if I want to….the few times I reached out (before it became this unimaginable mess), I was ignored, called names and told to mind my business. I was told that the no-communication rule was in effect and no need for anymore emails from me. But still, you put shit out there to my friends…and the more I ignored you…the bigger the shit became.  And now, I am looking objectively at the facts: not being mean or petty or negative but face it, dude…you left me a broken wreck and I had to pull myself together without your help. There was no explanation or apology….you could not even tell me goodbye. You treated me as if I never existed and told people that I was a merely a two time hookup. Really? You were nowhere to be found when I cried myself to sleep, except sleep never came. You were the cause of a depression that lasted over 6 months and I have communicated with your ‘wife”  (thanks for giving her my email address) and I never thought I would be communicating with wives again after Married Man and I broke up. So, really not sure I want to put myself back out there where I am obviously and definitely not appreciated.

I want to say I do not care and that you have a mother and wife so get support and encouragement from them…that you are old enough and have been around the block more than once so you should know how to handle your crap. However, to say I don’t care is a lie and if you really knew how to handle your shit, the entire Island would not know about your farce of a marriage and what is costing you, and I mean in more than financial terms.  So let me offer you some advice: GET off the pot…it is obvious you are simply sitting there passively while your world goes down in flames. GROW a pair of balls or snatch the existing pair out of BTH’s ears (she really is wearing them as earrings) and DO what needs to be done to save what can be salvaged. Right now all you have left is your job….and BTH is putting that in jeopardy. You do not have to divorce immediately (isn’t there a one year separation period first?) but you have a bachelor brother who lives one mile from you. Move in with him (getting her out of your house will be a bitch), work out a plan where you can meet your financial obligations to this woman and still be able to get yourself back on track with a savings plan. You are in a situation where you have to stand up and make a move…really, at this point, it is BTH’s game all the way whether you stay or leave. So save whatever is left of your dignity and self-respect and cut your losses. Hell, if all else fails…file for bankruptcy. Start fresh all the way around.

Do you see where your choices have landed you? Your plan to retire within the next 4 years is null and void whether you divorce or not; you look like death warmed over: bald, wrinkled, sickly looking and skinnier than hell. You have lost the respect of your co-workers and subordinates, your job is on the line and you have alienated the few friends you did have. Maybe the better question is do you even care where your choices have landed you?

I don’t know what else to say/advise and am not even considering doing anything, because see….I am in a situation where I am happy. I am content and satisfied with myself and my life. I cook and clean again, I laugh today and there are times where it is as if none of what happened between us ever happened. I am at peace today, and I am seeing men who bring me fresh flowers, who have no problem helping me out if I need it and who consider time spent with me a really great thing, not a chore. Today, there are no tears, no self-doubts… I am not worried about whether you are in a good mood or will want to see me or what can I do to make things better between us…I have come to terms with the fact you simply never saw me.

You never saw my love or the kindnesses I bestowed upon you. You never saw how great we were together when you finally stopped over-thinking everything. I never asked you for anything except time, friendship and respect…and all you saw were traps and hidden agendas. Well, I am guessing you see who has all the traps and hidden agendas now. So all of my caring is from afar…I want you to get it together and take back control of your finances and your life. Hoping this life lesson sheds you of the toxic bliss and helps you realize that what you want is not always what you need and sometimes…it is best to be with the person who loves you versus the person you say you love.


Prelude to a Trilogy

Have I told you guys I got my haircut? It was dry, thick and even a perm could not permeate the damage (how bad is that?) …in fact, the perm was helping to cause the damage. I got it done at a barbershop because it was definitely cheaper and the quality of the cut was comparable to a higher priced salon. My hair was completely uneven, drier than a desert and looked like colored tumbleweeds as the barber cut it further and further down. When he finished removing all the damage, I was hating my hair and thankful I had wigs. It is incredibly short and completely natural….and so different. I am still not used to it but everyone (except Sister Someone) who has seen it loves it. I debated perming it but I am not…I am going to let it breath healthy for a minute and not subject it to the torture I can inflict upon my hair.

I think the process I have been going through has done the same thing to me emotionally and mentally…cutting away at all the damage and dead weight, leaving me feeling different. Not sure if I look different (aside from the haircut) but I am happier and it comes across in my voice and attitude definitely.  It is strange because it is something I am unused to (much like my short, natural hair) but I am enjoying it. These past few days have been  pure bliss….I baked cookies, enjoyed cable television, listened to my music, blogged, cleaned my apartment and treated myself to lunch. All ordinary things made extraordinary because I actually enjoyed doing them. There was no self-inflicted pressure or stress, no worrying about things beyond my control and I finally realized the sheer happiness that can found existing in the moment and finding pleasure in simple things. I want to continue to do this…I want to stay in the moment and not worry about the future or cry over the past. I want to stay grounded and in the present so I can face life head on without having to fall apart first. And I am going to do more than want to do it…I am going to do it.

In my last blog post, I said “Worrying about others takes away from me and from my friends and family members who are actually willing to face the fact they have a problem and they are ready to deal with it” and I have decided I am going to stop worrying about folks who apparently are not sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is time to re-align some things that are just a tad out of whack in my life. I am going to start with people.….I am evolving and becoming a person I never thought I would be. A woman who is putting herself and her needs first….a woman who is striving to not let petty and ridiculous drama from other people and their lives become her concern. Not saying that the three people I am about to backburner do not have serious problems/issues, but what are they doing about their problems other than putting on blinders and ignoring sincere and very good advice from the one person who has never asked then for one damned thing except respect and friendship? If anything, I am the one giving them (even now) and today…I need to be appreciated and acknowledged. And I have that with others…I have friends who trust me with their secrets, who laugh with me and who cry with me. Friends who let me know that they are thinking of me even when they cannot call or write everyday…who do more than shit on my stoop and fly away. Friends who can accept the generosity I bestow upon them and realize it is  because I love them and want to add to their happiness because they contribute to mine. The folks who are going to have to catch up with me….I do nice things for them and cannot get an acknowledgement or a thank you, and I do not need that in my life today. The people pleasing has ended…only if pleasing you pleases me will I give in to it.

I do still love each of these folks  in my own way, but today I love myself more. I will still welcome their friendship but they have to learn to be a friend to others first. They have to  learn to like, love and respect themselves first before anyone else can do so. I want them to take care of themselves: work it out, get it together and/or do a better job of handling the issues that plague them. I want them all to be truly happy… with themselves, their choices and the consequences of their choices.

So, the next three blog posts will be letters to these people…they will not read them or see them…the letters are for me and my Panel. They will serve as reminders as to why I am no longer rushing out there and exerting efforts. Sometimes, caring, like loving is best done from afar. Hopefully you readers will hang in there with me while I purge (once again) and vent.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!