Empty Vessels and The Power of Self

This is one of my self-help posts, which means it will be brutally honest and probably not make much sense to anyone other than myself. With all the craziness popping off with my friends and how it all seems to end up at my door (which is fine as they get my craziness on a regular basis), it is a wonder the process is able to pull my coattail to any of the things it is opening my eyes to….but it does. So please bear with me as I embark on yet another voyage of self-discovery.

I do not read as many blogs as I used to….not because I do not think they are still great (they are) but because the authors are going in a different direction than me and I am not at a point where I am ready to read and be thrilled over new beginnings with other people; I am not a point where I am ready to take advice from the women who have landed their dream men or the chick who got the guy (and married him) after he left the other chick because the other chick was not his one…this chick is.. I am not ready to read all about newlywed bliss or first holidays or vacations with the incredibly wonderful guy who came after the one who broke hearts. I am still processing and not completely over the last guy and any new beginnings headed my way involve me, myself and I.

I am just now discovering the concept of happiness…happiness is described as a state of joy, contentment, bliss, enjoyment and or satisfaction. Happiness is a state of being and it is internal. You cannot “get” happiness from external sources or people…you can enhance happiness that way, but happiness starts from within. I remember in the beginning when the fiasco first happened….I was sooooo incredibly unhappy. I was just so sad and wondered how would I make it without him…he gave my life meaning and definition…and I remember feeling so goddamned empty inside. He had taken my everything….I never even had a chance to tell him goodbye, I LOVED him or even to beg him to stay with me. I did not want him to leave because I did not want to start over (yet again)…I did not want to open up to another. Anyone else remember me screaming he took my happiness away indefinitely?  But looking back,  there was nothing to take because internally, I was empty and unhappy. As much as I want to say I was confident and happy and had my crap together when him and I embarked on our whatever it was…I wasn’t. I was wearing masks and thinking because a few losers from Craigslist found me attractive enough to feed and then fuck, I was fine. Everything positive I had going for me was external and tied to someone/something else. Sometimes I wonder if he knew I was more damaged than I let on….if he knew that somewhere down the road, skeletons would pop out of closets and baggage would fall open and he knew he could not handle his issues and mine also? I like to joke now that even though I have the bigger breasts, BTH has fewer issues…but I am not joking when I say that.

You know, there is a part of me that so understands where Oscar is coming from with the not wanting to move on….I want him to come back and ask me to stay. Ask me to be his again. And I do not even want to write this next statement: a part of me is incredibly envious of Sister Someone. The unhealthy part of me is jealous of her for still being a part of Brother Everything’s life…she can still call him, text him, be with the man and be sexual with the man. Of course, their relationship was born in the 3rd ring of Hell and does nothing but progress downhill with every meeting and afterwards, Sister Someone is depressed, confused and even more fucked up than before but for a few hours…she has the (toxic) bliss that can only be found in the arms of a person you truly want and who “gets” you….she is filled and complete and whole.  

My self-everythings have probably always been at dangerously non-existent levels, I simply never realized it because when you are at less than zero, zero is a helluva lot to deal with. Morning Person wants to say I have always had self-everythings but simply did not know how to tap into them, but I honestly do not think so. Pretty much all I have done has been done out of a combination of people pleasing and a need for approval and validation. Lots of examples come to mind: sex is one but I am going to stick with something mundane.  My style of dress is best described as classy and conservative but that is not my doing…if I had my way, BTH would have a serious run for her money: my tits would be on platters, short skirts, tight blouses and bottoms. But my mother has always insisted that I carry myself as a lady and I have to say, I enjoy looking as if I am a normal member of society who belongs here even if I don’t feel that way. Dressing the way my mother taught (and still teaches) me garners me respectable attention from all  versus wanton and lewd advances from men you could not pay me to be with.

I am not honest and frank about me and my business because the truth is such a great thing…I do it because I already know I am going to be talked about. Just tell the truth when you do so. I was an awkward child…physically and socially and I have never seen myself as a beauty, conventional or otherwise. I work hard at my jobs and do good work, even great work…but I do not do the best job I possibly can because for me, doing the right thing makes no difference…I am always the one let go, both personally and professionally. Some days I just want to cry because I am Charlie Brown with the football…everything is lined up perfectly, and then it is snatched away and I am falling flat on my back wondering what the hell just happened. So my self-esteem, my self-respect, my self-confidence, my self-worth have always been tied to jobs, men and money. Tangible things…if I have the job, I am worth something to society. If I have the man, I am worthy of attention and desires. If I have the money…hell, name something money can’t buy. People say happiness, but for the longest time I swore it bought reasonable facsimiles of it.

But, I got my heart broken and my illusions shattered, and now I am in the middle of a process that is taking me places I never thought I would go. I am being truthful with myself and others and I am finding that the levels of self-everythings are rising. I am finding that without the man I want and love, I am able to be happy. I find without the job, I am even happier. My worth and value are not tied to any person except myself, my worth and value is not measured by where I work or how much I make. It is tied to me and what I do to make each day as productive for me as possible. My esteem and respect do not come from others and their validation or approval….it comes from me making the best choices/decisions for me and being able to hold my head up high once I make those decisions. My esteem and respect come from me knowing when to bow out, let go and doing what I need to do to move on. All of my rising self-everythings levels rise when I make the right choice/decisions versus the best ones and do what needs to be done to embrace and utilize the changes being wrought.

It is so hard moving on without him, without the baggage I have carried around for decades…one would think less baggage makes a journey lighter but strangely enough…it doesn’t. At least right now it doesn’t. But the happiness I am finding within myself is making it worth it…the hope I hold for him, for us… I am re-directing towards the life I have always wanted to live (and here is something money CAN buy to contribute towards my happiness…a travel fund). The happiness and re-directed hope keep me believing that my Knight in Shining Whatever  is out there and will come along one day, that happily ever afters (filled with lots of happy endings) are still very viable possibilities.

The process may not be taking the route I would have preferred in getting past this fiasco and there are days I feel like it is not even doing what the hell it is supposed to do but it is: it is teaching me to fill the emptiness and the voids with ME. It is removing the rotting wood and dead weight;  it reminds me of my accomplishments, my strengths, and my triumphs. It is showing me my mistakes and reminding me that whatever I feel I deserve is still not enough…when I want to settle for treetops, it pushes me towards stars…the process shows me that while I think the limit is the sky, in actuality the sky is nowhere near the limit.  The process is taking the empty vessel I was and filling it with rising levels of self-everythings. The power of the past is no match for the positive power of self and this is what the process is giving me…a positive self-image.

Okay, so I am done…now onto the next post to reveal and remind myself of the most common mistake I make (and could be the root of the rest of the mistakes I allow) in relationships, so check back soon for that. As always, thanks for stopping and reading and as always….enjoy your day!


Crazy Out Loud

My Panel is going crazy…not in the mentally deranged sort of way (although that is open for discussion) but in a totally senseless, impractical sort of way. Now, to be fair and honest, it isn’t everyone…just a select few. But the ones who are not going crazy are either having meltdowns or are being driven crazy by the ones who are going crazy. The ones I know who are somewhat normal (as in no reported meltdowns or breakdowns) are: New Mommy, Girlfriend, Tiger, Guardian Princess, Morning Person, Mini-Me,  Busy Bee and UTA. Well, UTA was onboard the Crazy Train for a minute but I think it got too crowded for her.  I want to put Artsy-Craftsy on that list but after she is caught up on everything, she may be  trying to snatch UTA’s seat. Okay, so I am just going to list the offenders below and tell you all just how crazy they are being…and fair warning…aspirin may be needed.

Quiet One: We do not know what is going on with her….all we know is she is weirding out again. She is quieter than usual and any statement she makes is coming out like an accusation. She is not responding to emails and when she does answer her phone, she is beyond quiet and only asks what you want. I know she is upset over my leaving the assignment, but this behavior goes beyond mere concern over how I am going to pay my bills. Unfortunately, when Quiet One gets like this, no one knows what is going on until after the crisis has passed.

Sister Someone/Brother Everything: Did you really think these two were over and done with? I simply have not blogged about them because for the longest time, they were both keeping their ends of the bargain and leaving each other alone…but it is starting back up slowly but surely….they are back to sleeping together,  which to me is beyond crazy given what they have put each other through. According to Sister Someone, even though they are still sleeping together, she is definitely moving on past Brother Everything…watch and see. I totally plan to watch and see how this plays out…I think I will hide all the sharp objects while I do so.

Oscar: Well, she did not kill me after writing her the letter, but she has been MIA since. A couple of emails and then she was poof, begone!  I do know she is out of medication, which is not good but she is also hurting and with too much free time on her hands. THIS combination is really not good for Oscar (emotional pain, idle time and no meds)…when she does not wish to face unpleasantness or does not want to do something…she won’t. And will fall off the face of the earth (doing destructive shit) until she is ready for you to face the consequences for her. It sounds harsh, but that is just what she does…she will go out there and go completely fucking insane and then come back asking us to help her repair the damage and tell her how this is just not the way to solve her problems. Well, we will be here waiting for her and I am thinking I need more aspirin (Cuz’s issues have depleted my current supply), more cigarettes and maybe some bail money.

Policeman: At this one I am shocked…I know I once blogged he has more drama than any of us, but he was going to settle down, be a faithful husband and all would be well. Whatever. I am beginning to think I met this idiot on Craigslist.  Say what you want about the Sister Someone/Brother Everything fiasco…he has been nothing but honest with her and she has consented to the treatment. Policeman wants to send out mixed signals  and have his cake and not only eat it, he wants to save pieces for later. He has a new girlfriend…a lesbian girlfriend, and at this I hate to point out the obvious to my friend (yes, he is still my friend. Just because he does something I do not like is no reason to throw out the baby with the bathwater) …if she is being sexual with you, she is not a full-fledged lesbian. Bisexual at best as he says the woman has a wife…not lover, not girlfriend…wife. Maybe that is what they have in common. In any case, the woman treats him to nice meals ,both in restaurants and at home…hell, she just dropped almost $100 at a Japanese Steak House. He goes to her house, lays naked in her bed while she is cooking up breakfast for him…they go to strip clubs together and one would think all is well. Except when he does not want to be bothered, he ignores her phone calls and text messages. Policeman actually told this chick that when he is home, he cannot be bothered with her  at all and she is getting too clingy and needy!  And THIS is where I am lighting into his ass: as much as I despise a cheating man, I despise a CHEAP, INCONSIDERATE cheating man more. Seriously, this woman is taking more risks with her relationship than Policeman  will ever take, spending her money, time and resources and the man cannot take TWO minutes to say he is in the house and cannot talk? Yet, when she ignores his communications he is bitching and moaning. Get real, dude….you cannot have it both ways and here’s an idea: STOP SEEING OTHER WOMEN! Period. Seriously, attitudes like what Policeman is carrying around is what ensures that anything that goes down between me and men these days will involve a price tag. Call it and me what you want. So Policeman is not crazy per se, but he is showing himself to be a selfish, petty bitch and that drives me crazy.

Buddy: I love my buddy….except he is crazier than a blind bat on crack. When he and Boo are not having knockdown, drag out fights (he pushed through (not into) a wall trying to get a butcher knife out of her hands and she has stolen his car), he was looking for a job. He lost the last one when they found him asleep and with alcohol on his breath but he rose like a phoenix to land another one. This new job is more along the lines of his professional field and to start, he will be part-time for the first 90 days. If he passes the probationary period, he will be full-time, better pay and benefits…except he has already missed 10 days of work in the first 3 weeks and actually left the job at 9am one morning because “there was nothing to do”. I am not quite sure WHY he missed 10 days of work (he says transportation issues but one of his co-workers is a neighbor), why he left work soon after getting there or even why he feels he needs to stay with Boo but he assures me he knows what he is doing and can handle the consequences of his actions. I certainly hope so.

Chef: I have simply concluded that the Panel has its own version of March Madness and Chef brings it every year. March is a rough month for him….it is his birthday, the dead fiancée’s birthday and it is also the month when the operation that took her life took place. So of course, there are some hard moments for him….except he is choosing to color his reality regarding the relationship and the ones of us who KNOW what the relationship was between those two are looking at him as if he is certifiably insane. His fiancée was a bigger girl…not as in she is bloated because of her period and cannot fit into her size 6 skinny jeans. Chick was BIG…short, sloppy and big. She did not work and could not be bothered to get up off her ass to pay the bills after Chef wrote out the checks. They lived together forever, yet every time the 7 year mark loomed, Chef moved out because he did not even want common-law marriage with her….I have never said this to anyone, but I honestly believe Chef proposed to the woman on her deathbed in an attempt to redeem himself. However, to hear Chef tell it….she was slim and svelte, she worked and supported them financially…she was perfect and the likes of her shall never roam the earth again. Artsy Craftsy told us last year to just let him talk….whatever lets him sleep at night and we are making this the rule where Chef is concerned. Oscar thinks it is the guilt of how he treated her when she was alive that causes him to love her more in death….I don’t know what the reasoning is but I will say he has taken it upon himself to financially support her grown children since her death. All I know is I will be glad when March is over because my mouth is filling with blood from biting my tongue so hard.

Cuz: I have no idea what to say here…Cuz has left me with only two words when it comes to his particular brand of craziness and those two words are Seriously? and Really? Why don’t I just start with the incident that caused me to put remove him from the Panel…you all know he would not even pick up the phone when my demon was running amok and I had no idea why he just could not listen to me. Well, we have since determined that Cuz just cannot handle the deeper issues…the serious shit that is the root cause of all the superficial shit. BUT, his excuse was (and this one is a doozy) that he had killed a man…it came down to him or the other guy and he did what he had to do and as we emailed, he was headed SOUTH (from the DMV area) to New Jersey to hide out and lay low…and he seriously thought I would not be calling him out on that particular brand of bullshit. Now before you readers rush off to call Crimesolvers to collect a reward…trust and believe, if Cuz had done anything remotely like that, then that would make me the Queen of England. NONE of the Panel members who heard the story believed it and Morning Person banned us from talking to Cuz for 3 days. So I took the story for what it was…his excuse for not being there for me when I needed serious help, and like I blogged before…that’s okay. But then, while I am trying to sort and process my crap….Cuz is wanting me to analyze his dreams for him, wants me to stop missing Him (from the man who is STILL going to wreak havoc and vengeance upon One Great Love and her mama) and wants me to join in when he got pissed at his mama for not doing something for him. Really, Cuz?? I am trying to deal with some serious stuff over here (that you obviously cannot handle…telling me to not beat up on myself is not quite helping when I am already bloody, black and blue) and you being pissed at not getting a cheese steak or a ride to some chick’s house is an unwanted and unnecessary distraction. Dreams about being in your underwear while people repo a tractor trailer is not high on my list of gotta get that checked out….honestly, I think Cuz is facing some serious, deeply rooted crap of his own and is looking for anyway out of dealing with it, and I have some advice for my friend….the demon is never as big or as bad as you think it is. Your evil has been done before and will be done again….shed yourself of the toxic bliss and the denial. Break loose of the chains of the past and change your path. Your way has landed you here…see where another way of doing things takes you. Do not fear the truth…it may hurt, but it WILL set you free.

Okay, so now we are all caught up on the craziness (Thank Goodness) and I am working on a Sister Someone update (she’s baaaack) and a post on what my introspection has revealed about a mistake I make that is common in all of my relationships. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!



Falling Together

This morning, I opened the blinds on my windows. Not a big deal, right? People open their blinds pretty much every day…it lets in the light, drives away the shadows and makes your home warm, welcome and inviting. Except I have not opened my blinds since the fiasco happened. For almost 18 months, I have lived in shadows, darkness and the light that managed to seep through the slats and curtains, but not today. Today, my home is flooded with light and I am seeing things literally in a whole new light. (It’s dusty in here…)

My dragon is not as difficult as I thought it would be…I think we are both tired of each other. The hardest part is forgiving the Little Girl for her actions and it is only hard because I am such a petty bitch…remember, I am the chick who is still pissed at Mini-Me over a 10 year old seafood salad. But the Little Girl had no idea of the repercussions her actions would cause…she simply wanted to be accepted and be happy, as we all do. The Grown Woman she became has suffered some damage as a result but grown-ups can fix things. And now I am in repair…I may be complicated and crazy but I am working on falling together versus falling apart.

First thing, I did leave the assignment…and I am feeling ever so much better. Trust me, it is so much less stressful sleeping in and then doing nothing except light cleaning than it is to wake at 6am to be somewhere at 9am to do nothing except cleaning and transferring some phone calls. I have a job interview lined up for early next week and have had a couple of very lucrative mutually beneficial dates (the renewed interest in my older than dirt ads prompted me to resurrect and revise them). I am watching movies and daytime television, cooking more and enjoying my “me” time.

I have indulged in some retail therapy: I have bought new perfumes  to replace the ones I gave to my baby sister so she can smell wonderful too….one I think stinks to the high heavens but it is made by a centuries old Italian perfumery family (which I thought would make it smell absolutely divine)  and cost $150/bottle on a discount/discontinued site (again, it HAD to smell divine, right?) , so I plan to wear every drop of that stuff, regardless of how I think it smells. I have a new dress, some new necklaces and earrings and I even bought new hair! I am loving the hair and I like the fact that I can just slap it on my head and be so well put together, despite Guardian Princess saying I look ghetto with my missing tooth….there is NOTHING wrong with my mouth save for an extended gap.  I want to do something with my natural hair, and I think a haircut is in order. Just cut it short and start fresh…maybe I will get it cut before I head over to the nail salon for my mani/pedi treat.

I am sticking up for myself more….my schedule is my schedule and if I do not feel like being bothered, I do not have to be. I do not owe anyone an explanation and when I start to feel badly or guilty for not inconveniencing myself to please others, I remind myself I am people too! And if I am going to be people pleasing…start with me first and the others can get what’s left. This is actually harder than it sounds and at times, I find myself slipping….but Morning Person is there to keep me strong.

Him….I am still ambivalent there, but part of the problem is me trying to rush through the hard parts (why can’t he simply cease to exist for me??)  and get straight to the good part (no more process, no more ambivalence) but one thing I have to accept is that him is different from all the other men or more accurately….my feelings toward him make him different from my other relationships, and it will take time and there is no time limit when it comes to healing.  I am doing very well at not asking about him and when I do hear about what is going on…I no longer rush out there. Him is reaping the consequences of his choices and even though the antics get crazier every time (now it is arguments with co-workers and temper tantrums) ….I remember the man’s words: I have those feelings for her, I am happier than I have ever been in.my.life. and can we ever forget that him married her?  The way I see it now is if I can make a positive way out of the shards of what him left me with, him can surely make all  this love and happiness work. Memories still surface and questions still beg to be answered but that is neither here nor there when I stay in the present and accept the current reality…and I work on staying in the present a lot more nowadays.

So life is not all bad or sad…except with my Panel…they are crazier than batshit right now and I am going to update you guys on that in my very next post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!

Just Married

Disclaimer: I have zero idea why I am writing this post… for some reason, this idea and these words are stuck in my head. I have never been married, never wanted to be married and as far as I know…still don’t. All I know of marriage is from friends and family, the media and my parents and I do not feel this post is indicative of all marriages.

Today is the day…after months of courtship, of knowing he was my one.

After his telling me constantly I am the one he has “those” feelings for (it is so much deeper than mere love…I know it!) , that I am the one who makes everything better and brighter.

Today, there is a white dress, a cake and presents. My girlfriends are in pastel dresses and holding bouquets of flowers.

His friends are in suits and looking so handsome. There will be vows and rings and I Love Yous….

Today is the day I will be Just Married (!) and the hopes, promises and expectations of a long, happy life are everywhere.

We will never hurt each other or leave each other. I have faith and trust in him. In us. In our love.

We are Just Married!

We bought a house. We had a child. Work is longer and harder.

Home cooked meals are further and further apart.

No more stolen kisses or staying up all night sharing dreams and making plans.

Quality time  (what there is of it) is centered around the baby.

We don’t talk like we used to, or about the things that used to matter.

I love yous are replaced with schedules, appointments and commutes.

There are unresolved arguments and uncomfortable silences.

We are just.married.

There is another child…it did not help save our marriage.

It is best for us and the children to not go forward with this farce any longer.

The arguments became louder, uglier and more frequent.

Masks came off, masks went on and neither was willing to try any harder or any longer.

We stopped communicating and compromising. It was no longer worth it.

Hope died and trust left. Love was a casualty of them both.

Now there is shared custody and no ring on my finger.

I cope, I cry, I adjust to a new life that holds no expectations.

And all I want to be is just married……