I am enjoying the end of a wonderfully relaxing weekend: I cleaned and I slept. Watched television, surfed the net and ate pizza and Chinese food. Did I mention I slept? My bed and I re-discovered our love for each other this weekend and re-ignited our affair. I am more than satisfied with the results, but I digress. While surfing the net, I read a lot of online dating ads…some were just ridiculous: the guy who wanted a semi-formal dinner at Ruby Tuesday of all places; the guy who wanted to know if he treated you to a large coffee and pulled out your chair at the establishment if the woman would go commando and have sex with him in the restroom. Typical online crap…but there was one ad that was so truthful and so hilarious, I wanted to respond just to thank the guy for posting it. In short, the guy wanted an emotionally damaged girl to shower him with obsessive love (which could include stalking if she were so inclined), then send mixed signals and pull back and the whole convoluted mess would end in acrimony, emotional meltdowns/breakdowns (preferable if both parties had one of these) and possible legal proceedings. And it would all take place within 3-9 months.
The biggest thing that impressed me about this ad was the fact that this dude told you up front what to expect, and how often do any of us get the truth so succinctly spelled out? He recognized that many of us (if not all of us) are emotionally damaged and that when unresolved issued are present (no matter how well hidden), there is no forever and no happily ever after. So when it doesn’t work out, this dude may be a lot of things, but a liar won’t be one of them. Yet, if by some miracle, it DOES work out, does that make him a liar or merely a relationship pessimist? Which got me to thinking: one of the worst things about the fiasco that was my breakup was the fact that him lied….oh, there were LOTS of other things that came along with that, but the man I loved more than I loved anyone before…lied to me. But did he lie, or was he merely being an optimist who was in the same place I was when he uttered the words he did?
And this is where I wrote this incredible post all about optimism and the truth becoming an accidental lie and how him didn’t mean it and all other kinds of sugar coated crap. Well, not crap exactly…it was mostly truthful but in a skewered sort of way that left him blameless and turned the BTH into some sort of saint. I am making a sincere effort to shed myself of the last vestiges of negativity, anger and hurt. I am trying to shake loose lingering issues and one issue I drag around from relationship to relationship is my lack of trust. I am working on implementing change in my attitude and my outlook…if I do it right, it will lead to a change in my behaviors and my choices will be different, so I put down what I think happened to cause the most unexpected unhappily ever after from a different perspective…what I would like to say is a forgiving perspective. But even I did not buy it….I saw where I was playing the Fool card and bestowing all types of unwarranted attributes to the man. I even sent it off to some Panel members before posting it and that is something I never do.
I am still wrestling with trying to make sense of the illogical and I have come to the conclusion that quite simply: I got got. No question about it…I fell for the guy who fell for the chick who brought out a side of him I had no idea the man was capable of and all I can do is chalk it up to the game. Of course guards and walls are back in full effect and if I have learned nothing else, it is that a person has to prove themselves before I just start ripping them down. I would not go as far as running criminal (although that may be a possibility) or credit checks on a person, but I need to know more than how cute I think they are before letting folks run amok in my house of emotions. Time to write down more lessons learned: one of the biggest things to remember is that the next guy is not the last guy and everyone has to be evaluated on what they do or do not do, not what the guy before did or did not do. A guy hung up on another person is not going to give me the efforts I put forth and the efforts I put forth need to be toned down like a thousand notches. And the best thing I learned is that if the man I have wrapped my everythings up in (and that cannot happen again) can turn his back and forget me as if I never existed…..he just was not the man for me. Never was, never will be.
In the original draft of this post, I said I was trying to view this as him not lying, but telling the truth at that time but somehow, life threw a curve ball and neither of us are where we expected to be… but his actions following the lies and evasions, his disrespect…it shows me that the one time I let the trust issues go is the one time I should have held onto them. And believe it or not, this post is not about him or reconciliation or endless questions….rather, him is the obstacle (or one of them…I brought trust issues with me into this relationship) between me and trusting again. I do want to trust, I do want to view men in an objective, let me get to know you kind of way but I still see it as they are all the same and will all treat me the in the same manner. Which brings me to another eye-opener: maybe if I were the same woman they would, but the process has me working on myself in a way I never have before. Hell, the process is helping me with so many other issues, I am sure trust issues is somewhere on its list. I have discovered the root of my low self-everythings, I am working on a more positive self-image, slowing down with the people pleasing and standing up for myself more, holding out for what I want and deserve (slowly but surely the two are aligning) at least professionally. Personally, I still alternate between jumping ahead of myself and taking steps backwards and that’s okay. I never was one who could stay in the moment but so long, but we are working on cultivating patience…remember, you are going to wait anyway…it is what you do with the waiting that matters.
So for me and anyone else who has had their heartbroken and been lied to because of or as a direct result of said heartbreak….phonies always, always reveal themselves and thank goodness all the promises and proposals did not materialize….the lies they told saved us from even more pain, hurt and misery. Sometimes, people are just not pretty in any shape, way or form and ugly will always rear its head. We are not victims…we are the lucky ones who handled the unexpected with strength and will face the future with optimism (eventually).
Okay, time to start my day: shower, mani/pedi, grocery shopping and returning to the Sister Someone post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!