This is one of my self-help posts, which means it will be brutally honest and probably not make much sense to anyone other than myself. With all the craziness popping off with my friends and how it all seems to end up at my door (which is fine as they get my craziness on a regular basis), it is a wonder the process is able to pull my coattail to any of the things it is opening my eyes to….but it does. So please bear with me as I embark on yet another voyage of self-discovery.
I do not read as many blogs as I used to….not because I do not think they are still great (they are) but because the authors are going in a different direction than me and I am not at a point where I am ready to read and be thrilled over new beginnings with other people; I am not a point where I am ready to take advice from the women who have landed their dream men or the chick who got the guy (and married him) after he left the other chick because the other chick was not his one…this chick is.. I am not ready to read all about newlywed bliss or first holidays or vacations with the incredibly wonderful guy who came after the one who broke hearts. I am still processing and not completely over the last guy and any new beginnings headed my way involve me, myself and I.
I am just now discovering the concept of happiness…happiness is described as a state of joy, contentment, bliss, enjoyment and or satisfaction. Happiness is a state of being and it is internal. You cannot “get” happiness from external sources or people…you can enhance happiness that way, but happiness starts from within. I remember in the beginning when the fiasco first happened….I was sooooo incredibly unhappy. I was just so sad and wondered how would I make it without him…he gave my life meaning and definition…and I remember feeling so goddamned empty inside. He had taken my everything….I never even had a chance to tell him goodbye, I LOVED him or even to beg him to stay with me. I did not want him to leave because I did not want to start over (yet again)…I did not want to open up to another. Anyone else remember me screaming he took my happiness away indefinitely? But looking back, there was nothing to take because internally, I was empty and unhappy. As much as I want to say I was confident and happy and had my crap together when him and I embarked on our whatever it was…I wasn’t. I was wearing masks and thinking because a few losers from Craigslist found me attractive enough to feed and then fuck, I was fine. Everything positive I had going for me was external and tied to someone/something else. Sometimes I wonder if he knew I was more damaged than I let on….if he knew that somewhere down the road, skeletons would pop out of closets and baggage would fall open and he knew he could not handle his issues and mine also? I like to joke now that even though I have the bigger breasts, BTH has fewer issues…but I am not joking when I say that.
You know, there is a part of me that so understands where Oscar is coming from with the not wanting to move on….I want him to come back and ask me to stay. Ask me to be his again. And I do not even want to write this next statement: a part of me is incredibly envious of Sister Someone. The unhealthy part of me is jealous of her for still being a part of Brother Everything’s life…she can still call him, text him, be with the man and be sexual with the man. Of course, their relationship was born in the 3rd ring of Hell and does nothing but progress downhill with every meeting and afterwards, Sister Someone is depressed, confused and even more fucked up than before but for a few hours…she has the (toxic) bliss that can only be found in the arms of a person you truly want and who “gets” you….she is filled and complete and whole.
My self-everythings have probably always been at dangerously non-existent levels, I simply never realized it because when you are at less than zero, zero is a helluva lot to deal with. Morning Person wants to say I have always had self-everythings but simply did not know how to tap into them, but I honestly do not think so. Pretty much all I have done has been done out of a combination of people pleasing and a need for approval and validation. Lots of examples come to mind: sex is one but I am going to stick with something mundane. My style of dress is best described as classy and conservative but that is not my doing…if I had my way, BTH would have a serious run for her money: my tits would be on platters, short skirts, tight blouses and bottoms. But my mother has always insisted that I carry myself as a lady and I have to say, I enjoy looking as if I am a normal member of society who belongs here even if I don’t feel that way. Dressing the way my mother taught (and still teaches) me garners me respectable attention from all versus wanton and lewd advances from men you could not pay me to be with.
I am not honest and frank about me and my business because the truth is such a great thing…I do it because I already know I am going to be talked about. Just tell the truth when you do so. I was an awkward child…physically and socially and I have never seen myself as a beauty, conventional or otherwise. I work hard at my jobs and do good work, even great work…but I do not do the best job I possibly can because for me, doing the right thing makes no difference…I am always the one let go, both personally and professionally. Some days I just want to cry because I am Charlie Brown with the football…everything is lined up perfectly, and then it is snatched away and I am falling flat on my back wondering what the hell just happened. So my self-esteem, my self-respect, my self-confidence, my self-worth have always been tied to jobs, men and money. Tangible things…if I have the job, I am worth something to society. If I have the man, I am worthy of attention and desires. If I have the money…hell, name something money can’t buy. People say happiness, but for the longest time I swore it bought reasonable facsimiles of it.
But, I got my heart broken and my illusions shattered, and now I am in the middle of a process that is taking me places I never thought I would go. I am being truthful with myself and others and I am finding that the levels of self-everythings are rising. I am finding that without the man I want and love, I am able to be happy. I find without the job, I am even happier. My worth and value are not tied to any person except myself, my worth and value is not measured by where I work or how much I make. It is tied to me and what I do to make each day as productive for me as possible. My esteem and respect do not come from others and their validation or approval….it comes from me making the best choices/decisions for me and being able to hold my head up high once I make those decisions. My esteem and respect come from me knowing when to bow out, let go and doing what I need to do to move on. All of my rising self-everythings levels rise when I make the right choice/decisions versus the best ones and do what needs to be done to embrace and utilize the changes being wrought.
It is so hard moving on without him, without the baggage I have carried around for decades…one would think less baggage makes a journey lighter but strangely enough…it doesn’t. At least right now it doesn’t. But the happiness I am finding within myself is making it worth it…the hope I hold for him, for us… I am re-directing towards the life I have always wanted to live (and here is something money CAN buy to contribute towards my happiness…a travel fund). The happiness and re-directed hope keep me believing that my Knight in Shining Whatever is out there and will come along one day, that happily ever afters (filled with lots of happy endings) are still very viable possibilities.
The process may not be taking the route I would have preferred in getting past this fiasco and there are days I feel like it is not even doing what the hell it is supposed to do but it is: it is teaching me to fill the emptiness and the voids with ME. It is removing the rotting wood and dead weight; it reminds me of my accomplishments, my strengths, and my triumphs. It is showing me my mistakes and reminding me that whatever I feel I deserve is still not enough…when I want to settle for treetops, it pushes me towards stars…the process shows me that while I think the limit is the sky, in actuality the sky is nowhere near the limit. The process is taking the empty vessel I was and filling it with rising levels of self-everythings. The power of the past is no match for the positive power of self and this is what the process is giving me…a positive self-image.
Okay, so I am done…now onto the next post to reveal and remind myself of the most common mistake I make (and could be the root of the rest of the mistakes I allow) in relationships, so check back soon for that. As always, thanks for stopping and reading and as always….enjoy your day!