This morning, I opened the blinds on my windows. Not a big deal, right? People open their blinds pretty much every day…it lets in the light, drives away the shadows and makes your home warm, welcome and inviting. Except I have not opened my blinds since the fiasco happened. For almost 18 months, I have lived in shadows, darkness and the light that managed to seep through the slats and curtains, but not today. Today, my home is flooded with light and I am seeing things literally in a whole new light. (It’s dusty in here…)
My dragon is not as difficult as I thought it would be…I think we are both tired of each other. The hardest part is forgiving the Little Girl for her actions and it is only hard because I am such a petty bitch…remember, I am the chick who is still pissed at Mini-Me over a 10 year old seafood salad. But the Little Girl had no idea of the repercussions her actions would cause…she simply wanted to be accepted and be happy, as we all do. The Grown Woman she became has suffered some damage as a result but grown-ups can fix things. And now I am in repair…I may be complicated and crazy but I am working on falling together versus falling apart.
First thing, I did leave the assignment…and I am feeling ever so much better. Trust me, it is so much less stressful sleeping in and then doing nothing except light cleaning than it is to wake at 6am to be somewhere at 9am to do nothing except cleaning and transferring some phone calls. I have a job interview lined up for early next week and have had a couple of very lucrative mutually beneficial dates (the renewed interest in my older than dirt ads prompted me to resurrect and revise them). I am watching movies and daytime television, cooking more and enjoying my “me” time.
I have indulged in some retail therapy: I have bought new perfumes to replace the ones I gave to my baby sister so she can smell wonderful too….one I think stinks to the high heavens but it is made by a centuries old Italian perfumery family (which I thought would make it smell absolutely divine) and cost $150/bottle on a discount/discontinued site (again, it HAD to smell divine, right?) , so I plan to wear every drop of that stuff, regardless of how I think it smells. I have a new dress, some new necklaces and earrings and I even bought new hair! I am loving the hair and I like the fact that I can just slap it on my head and be so well put together, despite Guardian Princess saying I look ghetto with my missing tooth….there is NOTHING wrong with my mouth save for an extended gap. I want to do something with my natural hair, and I think a haircut is in order. Just cut it short and start fresh…maybe I will get it cut before I head over to the nail salon for my mani/pedi treat.
I am sticking up for myself more….my schedule is my schedule and if I do not feel like being bothered, I do not have to be. I do not owe anyone an explanation and when I start to feel badly or guilty for not inconveniencing myself to please others, I remind myself I am people too! And if I am going to be people pleasing…start with me first and the others can get what’s left. This is actually harder than it sounds and at times, I find myself slipping….but Morning Person is there to keep me strong.
Him….I am still ambivalent there, but part of the problem is me trying to rush through the hard parts (why can’t he simply cease to exist for me??) and get straight to the good part (no more process, no more ambivalence) but one thing I have to accept is that him is different from all the other men or more accurately….my feelings toward him make him different from my other relationships, and it will take time and there is no time limit when it comes to healing. I am doing very well at not asking about him and when I do hear about what is going on…I no longer rush out there. Him is reaping the consequences of his choices and even though the antics get crazier every time (now it is arguments with co-workers and temper tantrums) ….I remember the man’s words: I have those feelings for her, I am happier than I have ever been in.my.life. and can we ever forget that him married her? The way I see it now is if I can make a positive way out of the shards of what him left me with, him can surely make all this love and happiness work. Memories still surface and questions still beg to be answered but that is neither here nor there when I stay in the present and accept the current reality…and I work on staying in the present a lot more nowadays.
So life is not all bad or sad…except with my Panel…they are crazier than batshit right now and I am going to update you guys on that in my very next post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual….enjoy your day!