This post is going to be kind of random….I have some topics I want to address but taken alone, they would make really lame, really short posts. Maybe if I combine them all together, there may be a theme and it will be a win-win…I get to vent/think aloud about lots of things all at once and you my readers get to be entertained. Who knows? And before I get started with all I want to say, I HAVE to say this before anything else: the Duggars are completely and certifiably INSANE and need hobbies and/or a television. For real. Totally random, I know but had to be said.
Okay, so I have to say I feel much better after my last posting…the letter gave me a chance to address a lot of my (still here) resentment towards him. You know, I feel so slow and stupid sometimes that I still do care, that I still do wonder why after all this time and all that has happened but it is what it is. The questions will still come…how could they not? A person who told you all the wonderful things, gave you the great feelings…..a person you felt worthy of your love, time, efforts and attentions treating you as if you never mattered and as if you never existed? Who makes you feel that it really was all one-sided and in your head when you know they were there and telling you how great it was for them also. Yeah, the whys and what happeneds will come. I have to remember the progress made and that bumps in the road will happen. I am remembering what is within my control and what isn’t…and I can acknowledge that there is some anger lingering. Seriously, if him’s choices and actions speak to what really floats his boat, what gives him his interpretation of happiness….why even take up with me? Why use me, take me for granted and then lie and lead me on? Why not just end it and let it stay ended? But again…it is done. It cannot be changed and I cannot say I have not gained from this on a deeply personal level. I really want this to be over and maybe I am not doing all I can to ensure that, but I am trying. I am sure I will be writing more letters and posting more updates about the train derailment (hey, it’s drama and entertaining and karmic comeuppance) but know I am working hard every day to take just a few more steps away from him and all him-related situations.
Second…I need a job. Like yesterday…and for a lot of reasons. First reason, I am getting incredibly lazy. My days are starting at noon or later and I sleep constantly. My house fluctuates between a cover for Home & Gardens and a what the hell happened here kind of chaos. Going to the mailbox is an effort and I justify this incredibly laziness by saying I have no man, no child and no job…so who knows and who cares? Second reason, I want a vacation this year. A real vacation where I board a plane to someplace I have never been and check into a hotel and everyone who sees me knows I am a tourist. My destination this year is Memphis, Tennessee. Seattle was the first choice but Memphis has lots I want to see also: The Civil Rights Museum at The Lorraine Motel (where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated); Graceland (ELVIS!) and the Musical Walk of Fame. Besides, I can get a roundtrip plane ticket for under $400 to get to Memphis…Seattle would be a tad more costly. Third, I am spending money as if it grows on trees. Granted it is all clearance priced and huge discounts on shipping/handling, but I need to put the brakes on such things…24/7 of online and television shopping is not conducive to my pocketbook (ironic statement as I am debating BIG TIME a Madi Claire handbag that has my name written all over it). I have bought more rings than I have fingers, I am running out wrist space for my bracelets and the clothes?? I am the best dressed unemployed chick in America. I have no doubt about that. The fourth reason is the mutually beneficial dates are becoming more trouble than they are worth.
Which brings me to the last issue I wish to vent about/address: I am too old for this crap. Seriously. I am unsure if it is because it is online, they are men or if it is a combination of both. I have found out that regardless of who puts what out there, men are not willing to follow through with the most basic of instructions. If I state I am seeking a financially generous gentleman (term used quite loosely), your incredible oral skills will not replace what I am seeking. No, I do not care you feel that takes away from the “fun” or excitement of it….you know what I find fun and exciting? When both parties walk away with what they came for. I also find men think paying is somehow a reflection on them: I hear all the time how they are too attractive and not desperate to have to pay for it…so why answer my ad? In fact, why even be in the section my ad is in? Men also try to guilt me…and they all use the same, hypocritical, stereotypical thinking which makes NO sense to me. They say I am an intelligent, attractive woman….selling myself opens me up to diseases and being hurt and being put at risk in more ways than one. However, apparently these same diseases and risks magically disappear were I just looking to offer myself up freely to random men. So see people, random, unprotected sex with every guy in town for the fun of it doesn’t spread STDs…protected sex once a week with generous gentlemen does. As cheap as these men are, one would think they could figure out the chick giving it up for free would be with more men than the woman holding out for what she wants and would not be as stringent about playing safe.
Another thing guys do is they go about things ass-backwards: for a relationship, they insist on sex first and foremost. IF you click, then they are open to a “friendship: that could lead to going out….when it is straight sex, they want to talk and have dinner and get to know you. Really? The few men I have actually been with are lonely misfits (nothing against them)…one is a wimp of the first order who is waiting for his wife to push him towards divorce. He is older, the kids are grown and to hear him tell it..he despises his wife and actually puts all of the family pets in the bed with them so he does not have to touch her, yet when the woman offered him a divorce since he was so unhappy…he refused. Says he is not ready. I have had the guy whose wallet is his dick (sorry, not jumping through hoops), the show-offs ($75,00 cars yet they are on metro), the over-sellers/Supermen who insist that they will be the ones who rock my world….and I am here to say that stamina is overrated. Very much so. I have the game players…they actually show up one time, then make all kinds of dates they cancel at the last minute and wonder why I no longer respond to their emails. I get the fetish guys who secretly lust after incredibly tall and/or BBW women. I got the guy who actually got me to spend my last money to come to his hotel room, only to have him not answer the door. When that happened, I was at first so pissed and wanting to hit something but I had to think about it: if this is the worst that has happened to me doing what I’m doing in this day and age, I am pretty freaking lucky.
So these are my rants/vents…and really it all boils down to (with the exception of the Duggars) this is why I need a job…it serves as a distraction from him and the antics, it will help me attain my goal of a Memphis vacation while allowing me to be busy and productive and it saves me from these ridiculous “dates”. Not to detract from them when they go well….quite lucrative and usually yummy food and a massage somewhere in there, but wading through the bullshit to get to the one or two “real” people out there is more of a job than an actual job.
Okay, so now to finish cleaning the house, grab a shower and throw in some laundry. I need to go play mega millions (it is a down payment on a dream, people) and I have another post I want to write…hoping to have it up before the weekend is over. As always, thanks so much for stopping by and reading, and as always….enjoy your day!