Man Rant (or Why I Need a Job)

This post is going to be kind of random….I have some topics I want to address but taken alone, they would make really lame, really short posts. Maybe if I combine them all together, there may be a theme and it will be a win-win…I get to vent/think aloud about lots of things all at once and you my readers get to be entertained. Who knows? And before I get started with all I want to say, I HAVE to say this before anything else: the Duggars are completely and certifiably INSANE and need hobbies and/or a television. For real. Totally random, I know but had to be said.

Okay, so I have to say I feel much better after my last posting…the letter gave me a chance to address a lot of  my (still here) resentment towards him. You know, I feel so slow and stupid sometimes that I still do care, that I still do wonder why after all this time and all that has happened but it is what it is. The questions will still come…how could they not? A person who told you all the wonderful things, gave you the great feelings…..a person you felt worthy of your love, time, efforts and attentions treating you as if you never mattered and as if you never existed? Who makes you feel that it really was all one-sided and in your head when you know they were there and telling you how great it was for them also. Yeah, the whys and what happeneds will come. I have to remember the progress made and that bumps in the road will happen. I am remembering what is within my control and what isn’t…and I can acknowledge that there is some anger lingering. Seriously, if him’s  choices and actions speak to what really floats his boat, what gives him his interpretation of happiness….why even take up with me? Why use me, take me for granted and then lie and lead me on? Why not just end it and let it stay ended? But again…it is done. It cannot be changed and I cannot say I have not gained from this on a deeply personal level. I really want this to be over and maybe I am not doing all I can to ensure that, but I am trying. I am sure I will be writing more letters and posting more updates about the train derailment (hey, it’s drama and entertaining and karmic comeuppance) but know I am working hard every day to take just a few more steps away from him and all him-related situations.

Second…I need a job. Like yesterday…and for a lot of reasons. First reason, I am getting incredibly lazy. My days are starting at noon or later and I sleep constantly. My house fluctuates between a cover for Home & Gardens and a what the hell happened here kind of chaos. Going to the mailbox is an effort and I justify this incredibly laziness by saying I have no man, no child and no job…so who knows and who cares? Second reason, I want a vacation this year. A real vacation where I board a plane to someplace I have never been and check into a hotel and everyone who sees me knows I am a tourist. My destination this year is Memphis, Tennessee. Seattle was the first choice but Memphis has lots I want to see also: The Civil Rights Museum at The Lorraine Motel (where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated); Graceland (ELVIS!) and the Musical Walk of Fame. Besides, I can get a roundtrip plane ticket for under $400 to get to Memphis…Seattle would be a tad more costly. Third, I am spending money as if it grows on trees. Granted it is all clearance priced and huge discounts on shipping/handling, but I need to put the brakes on such things…24/7 of online and television shopping is not conducive to my pocketbook (ironic statement as I am debating BIG TIME a Madi Claire handbag that has my name written all over it).  I have bought more rings than I have fingers, I am running out wrist space for my bracelets and the clothes?? I am the best dressed unemployed chick in America. I have no doubt about that. The fourth reason is the mutually beneficial dates are becoming more trouble than they are worth.

Which brings me to the last issue I wish to vent about/address: I am too old for this crap. Seriously. I am unsure if it is because it is online, they are men or if it is a combination of both. I have found out that regardless of who puts what out there, men are not willing to follow through with the most basic of instructions. If I state I am seeking a financially generous gentleman (term used quite loosely), your incredible oral skills will not replace what I am seeking. No, I do not care you feel that takes away from the “fun” or excitement of it….you know what I find fun and exciting? When both parties walk away with what they came for. I also find men think paying is somehow a reflection on them: I hear all the time how they are too attractive and not desperate to have to pay for it…so why answer my ad? In fact, why even be in the section my ad is in? Men also try to guilt me…and they all use the same, hypocritical, stereotypical thinking which makes NO sense to me. They say I am an intelligent, attractive woman….selling myself opens me up to diseases and being hurt and being put at risk in more ways than one. However, apparently these same diseases and risks magically disappear were I just looking to offer myself up freely to random men. So see people, random, unprotected sex with every guy in town for the fun of it doesn’t spread STDs…protected sex once a week with generous gentlemen does. As cheap as these men are, one would think they could figure out the chick giving it up for free would be with more men than the woman holding out for what she wants and would not be as stringent about playing safe.

Another thing guys do is they go about things ass-backwards: for a relationship, they insist on sex first and foremost. IF you click, then they are open to a “friendship: that could lead to going out….when it is straight sex, they want to talk and have dinner and get to know you. Really? The few men I have actually been with are lonely misfits (nothing against them)…one is a wimp of the first order who is waiting for his wife to push him towards divorce. He is older, the kids are grown and to hear him tell it..he despises his wife and actually puts all of the family pets in the bed with them so he does not have to touch her, yet when the woman offered him a divorce since he was so unhappy…he refused. Says he is not ready. I have had the guy whose wallet is his dick (sorry, not jumping through hoops), the show-offs ($75,00 cars yet they are on metro), the over-sellers/Supermen who insist that they will be the ones who rock my world….and I am here to say that stamina is overrated. Very much so. I have the game players…they actually show up one time, then make all kinds of dates they cancel at the last minute and wonder why I no longer respond to their emails. I get the fetish guys who secretly lust after incredibly tall and/or BBW women. I got the guy who actually got me to spend my last money to come to his hotel room, only to have him not answer the door. When that happened, I was at first so pissed and wanting to hit something but I had to think about it: if this is the worst that has happened to me doing what I’m doing  in this day and age, I am pretty freaking lucky.

So these are my rants/vents…and really it all boils down to (with the exception of the Duggars) this is why I need a job…it serves as a distraction from him and the antics, it will help me attain my goal of a Memphis vacation while allowing me to be busy and productive and it saves me from these ridiculous “dates”. Not to detract from them when they go well….quite lucrative and usually yummy food and a massage somewhere in there, but wading through the bullshit to get to the one or two “real” people out there is more of a job than an actual job.

Okay, so now to finish cleaning the house, grab a shower and throw in some laundry. I need to go play mega millions (it is a down payment on a dream, people) and I have another post I want to write…hoping to have it up before the weekend is over. As always, thanks so much for stopping by and reading, and as always….enjoy your day!

Happily Never After

It is a beautiful day and I am waiting for my cab so I can head out to dinner with Queen Bee. My cold is almost gone, the apartment is clean (or as clean as it is going to get today) and I am smoking cigarettes while listening to this song…the tile of it is Shame and it is so fitting for my mood. I am melancholy (fun fact about me: when I was younger I pronounced it meh-lank-oh-lee). I am thinking about the latest developments in the Land of Happier Than I Have Ever Been and I swear…if I had a little more “something” for the man, I would cry. Do not get me wrong: while I am no longer in love with him, I still do have love for him and Lord knows, I have caring for the person him can be…caring is defined as being solicitous towards a person you have an inclination, liking, fondness or affection for. It does not have to be rooted in love or sex; rather, it is a genuine liking for the person. I think it is the caring (along with the mothering instinct) that has me thinking and remembering and wondering; I credit the rising self-everythings for not shedding a tear.

I told you guys in another post about how something HUGE had gone down and my first instinct was to rush out there and attempt another rescue effort. However, I have the Panel, the process and some modicum of common sense….this is something best left alone and I did not even have to wait for someone to tell me that. But, it is something I want to vent and rant and talk about…it is something I need to write down so it can be a reminder of why staying away is the best thing, how letting go and moving on (as slow as it may seem) is in DC’s best interest (and it is all about me this time around) and why keeping the door shut is best for all involved. So I decided to write a letter…sending it to him is not even an option. It is a letter to me and for me. Seriously, if the man still does not see what everyone else sees…if him chooses to stay where him is even after all of this…it is on him. I am heeding UTA’s advice and thanking the Higher Power of my understanding for allowing me to dodge such an incredibly stupid, selfish bullet, and tossing up a prayer for him also because I am a good and mature person…sometimes.

Dude:

What the FUCK is going on with you? I am in total OMG mode over here. You know, when the breakup first happened, I was all over you. Begging to know why, what did I do wrong, what is it with me? Why were you doing this to me, why were treating me this way? I LOVED you with all I had and with everything I had…and you were pushing knives into my chest, my back. When you were not outright ignoring me, you were telling me how you had those feelings for her, she was the one you wished to marry and devote your life to…I was a hater bitch when I cautioned you to go slow and think things over before just rushing out there. I was told you owed NO ONE  (especially me) an explanation and to go find my own happiness. You wanted me to be as happy as you were and you were happier than you had ever been in your life.

It took me what seemed like forever but I finally said my goodbyes…which you promptly sent to BTH, and I am guessing that was your acknowledgement of the missive…why else bring drama into your own home, especially over a woman you felt nothing for and was a mere hookup… at least that is what  you told your wife. And I thought that would be the end of you in my life in any capacity. I said I was moving into my future and you were not in it, and apparently that must have been your invitation to just go apeshit crazy and I can only ask what aspect of this marriage makes you the freaking happiest?

Is it her showing up at your job to sit in on company meetings while you are babysitting her children who disrespect you publicly and privately? I may not have kids, but I know what they do in public, they do at home. Is it her parading through the office with her breasts on display clutching your paystubs she has pored over with a calculator and magnifying glass, demanding refunds because too many taxes have been taken out? Or maybe it is her making appearances on the Island to emasculate and humiliate you while baiting your co-workers into praising her as she is the sole reason for your incredible transformation/makeover (FYI: you look like shit and at least 15 years older)…and this is when she is not insulting your co-workers.

Perhaps the draining of your financials is what makes you happier than you have ever been in your life….after all, who would not want to see an incredibly healthy 6 figure 401K dwindle down to damn near nothing? Who isn’t excited by being married to a woman who requires HUNDREDS of dollars per week of maintenance (makeup, weave, nails)  just so she can put her tits on a platter to go to the mailbox to retrieve the mail? She does not work, she does not clean and I am thinking her idea of cooking is ordering Chinese. You are the sole breadwinner and she is busy putting your livelihood in jeopardy while you try to earn money faster than she can spend it. You know what I remembered the other day, out of nowhere? The time we were together and I had no job, no income and asked you to please help me with my rent. I even offered to pay you back once I got an assignment….your response was you did not sign on for that and I needed a damned job. You were not my father and I had to make do as best I can. Of course I got angry and wished you to be butt naked and blindfolded in rush hour traffic and you claimed I hated you. Then when we reconciled, you actually had the nerve to ask me how I paid the rent. Really? You were willing to see me homeless yet wanted to know how I avoided that? And not to detract from the times you actually did help me…all to the tune of $600. In six years, all I warranted was $600 and a curse out and refusal on $800….I am willing to bet that $800 is fucking peanuts compared to what you are shelling out now and you wished that was all someone was asking you for. Now, this next statement is complete supposition, but given what is known, I am willing to wager it is not too far off the mark: willing to bet money I do not even have to say your house is mortgaged to the freaking hilt. Your money problems are becoming pretty well known at work (people are genuinely concerned) …and how can you NOT keep the messiness at home IN your home? OUR relationship had to remain a secret until it was over because you did not want anyone in your business, yet everyone (including me) now knows your business.

So far, this happiness has your home and job on the line…two things you have worked your entire life to hold onto and build your reputation around. How about your freedom? Honestly, had I known you were looking for shady pasts and outright stereotypical ghetto antics, I would not have spent my time telling you about my sexual escapades with women and searching online for that kinky porn you like…I would have found my mugshot and told you stories about life in a women’s prison. You could have lived vicariously through stories of my past while they stayed right there…in the past. Not invading your home and professional life…instead, you are being thrust head-on into a real life version of Boyz in the Hood complete with drugs, violence and legal proceedings. I have read the articles and can piece enough of the story together, but why are you involved in something like this?

I cannot help but think if you had stayed with me..if you had remembered the promises made and we really gave each other a chance, how different things would be…you would not have to be on some diet to mold you over into who I wanted you to be…you were perfect just the way you were. Your finances would still be healthy, there would be sex (I am just not seeing that with BTH..she might break a nail), random conversations, hot tubs and home cooked meals. Trips to the Island would involve nothing more than lunches with my friends and stolen kisses with you. I think we would have been happy..with ourselves and each other. Best things: CHILD. FREE.  and no process servers.

I can only wonder what in the hell you have gotten yourself into and why you choose to stay? I am sorry you never saw the love I had for you and what a good, decent woman I was to you. I wish you could have seen how we brought out good things in each other when you were not busy shutting me out. I wish you could have seen that my anger was directed towards your actions and treatments of me, never at you.

But you didn’t see…instead, you fell for the tacky, ghetto chick who is no longer bothering to hide her missions and agendas. The chick who has been dragging you down since Day 1 and is putting all you hold dear at risk…the chick you married and obviously, you are taking the “for better or for worse” part of the vows quite literally. Dude, this is NOT a marriage, not a happily ever after. THIS…is a nightmare of epic proportions and  I cannot help you…I don’t want to. Not anymore. What I felt for who you were, for what we had when it was right…reduced to blog posts and memories for a lonely night. I do feel for you because you are being taken for a ride one cannot even buy a ticket for. I do wonder do you want to get off but do not know how or if you are strapped in and enjoying every minute of it, no matter how destructive it is? However, you are no longer my concern (but I am enjoying the show your life has become)…all I can say is Karma has sent the right person to teach you the lessons I never could. Enjoy them.

Here We Go Again

This is a Sister Someone post…. I can no longer put it off although I have tried. If you have forgotten the drill, you are going to need snacks and aspirin and at least your lunch break to read this post in its entirety. Trust me, I have been trying to format it in a way that it is not too much information overload at one time. I have posted two additional posts, scrapped two drafts of this post, used up my entire supply of aspirin and am starting on my second pack of cigarettes today…all in an attempt to not have to re-live the drama. It is as hard on the author as it is on the reader, believe that, but here is hoping I am able to give you more drama with less headache…. it will be filled with vents and rants (par for the course) and hopefully will not wear you out too much.

I know I said I was done with Sister Someone and her stupidity and ridiculosity: the chick does not listen to anyone and her stubbornness and dogmatic view of all things personal make it impossible to advise or help her, but then, she does something so unexpectedly nice, kind and thoughtful and makes so much sense (amazing when you consider her situations), you just kind of sigh, shake your head and decide maybe she can stick around a little bit longer. For better or worse the current Panel of Experts is pretty much here to stay…and she is a part of it. So let’s just get started with the updates and steer clear of flying drama.

Her Job: You know, I am done offering advice to Sister Someone….she is the sort you just kind of listen to her and nod along. She does not listen to a WORD I say and screaming does no good either (she and Oscar are alike in this way): besides my screams being completely unintelligible, her specially made earplugs which seem to tune out good advice and common sense are permanently glued into her ears. I used to think she had a wall up only her personal arena but obviously this wall is all-encompassing. I have told you all about how she got a demotion on her job and threw Brother Everything under the bus, causing him to lose his job in the process. So life at work has not been the best for SS….she is clocked coming and going, her work is reviewed before being sent out, her opinion is no longer valued and she is being ridiculed and taunted behind her back regarding her relationship with Brother Everything. She wants O-U-T of her department and there is an opening in the department where BE worked…and she wants to apply for it. She says it will be GREAT: more money (which she desperately needs) and she will be away from those who have turned against her. I say this is WRONG and on so many levels: one of the reasons for her demotion was her inability to keep confidential information confidential. Regardless of the fact that the person who spilled these secrets (BE) is gone, the one who gave him the information remains. If you tell him, who else will you tell? Another red flag is the fact that Sister Someone started out in the department she wishes to return to, and hated every second of it…this department was the reason she transferred to her current one. I have sent her job listings at other agencies and companies with the salary range she seeks because I personally think her days are numbered at the current agency (even more so if she gets the job she is angling for), but she refuses to leave. Busy Bee says she wants to stay there and move into the new department to try and help bring Brother Everything back onboard, which is a definite possibility but I think everyone is jumping ahead of themselves…she has to get the position first.

Her Son: Remember when her son told everyone at school he “eats his mommy’s panties”? Remember the temper tantrums, throwing of furniture and toys? How about opening the restroom door while his classmates were using it? The school was telling Sister Someone the child was a threat to himself and others and wanted to have him evaluated for ADHD….she agreed only if she could have her own evaluation done. So after tests, evaluations, observations and a mountain of paperwork, 5 out of 5 professionals agree: her son has moderate ADHD (along with some depression and anxiety) and all agree on a treatment plan of medication and behavior modification therapy. In fact, the school is preparing a treatment plan for the next school year that if NOT followed will result in her son not being welcomed back…and Sister Someone is now looking for a new school. She absolutely refuses to give her son medication as she says that this is simply his personality and we will ALL have to learn to cope with the excess energy and fleeting attention spans. And here  is where I stand against SS, Brother Everything and Chef….Chef is dead set against medication himself as he says the schools just want to medicate the kids to keep them well-behaved and pliable; Brother Everything says the child just needs sound spankings on a regular basis. I say the child’s problems are not only environmental but genetic also and with him being adopted, who KNOWS what DNA runs through his blood? The school has too many other children to look after and educate…WHY should her child be an exception? Why should he get special treatment because SS cannot face reality and thinks a strong male presence in the child’s life is all that is needed? That is bunk: there are too many single moms out there raising responsible, well-behaved boys who are not a threat to themselves and others. The ADHD is no reflection on her as a parent but the depression and anxiety? I think she does play a role: pitting the child against Brother Everything, putting a man and his needs /wants before herself and her child are not good things. Oh, and did I mention the ball incident? Apparently the child has taken to yelling back at Sister Someone when she attempts to discipline/correct him and one evening, he was bouncing a ball in the house. SS told him to stop that RIGHT NOW and the child yelled back NO…and kept bouncing. This chick’s solution? To grab a knife out of the butcher block, snatch the ball from the child and stab the offending ball. It was gone in a huge *POP*, leaving slivers of rubber behind. Yeah, okay….I say put both of them on meds and in counseling…the stigma of medication pales when faced with the stigma of being kicked out of every school in the county because no one can cope with your child’s personality.

Brother Everything: Believe it or not, there is not too much to say here. Brother Everything is back living with The Ex, Sister Someone doesn’t know and has begged the man EVERY.DAY. since he left to return to her. They are sleeping together again and SS has put her foot down about one thing: when she brings him down to her place, he WILL be spending the night…if that is a problem, do not bother coming. Brother Everything said while he respects her stance, they both know it is an empty threat…she will take what he offers and be glad to do so. And I will say this…every time he goes down there, he does spend the night. I swear, The Ex is going to have his crap on the other side of a door that has changed locks one morning. Sister Someone still gives him money and buys him things (he is now hinting at a summer wardrobe)  and tells him now that he is unemployed they should be spending more time together, and frankly, I am not understanding that statement. They are not BOTH unemployed…she still has a job she needs to go to, but I think just knowing the man is in her house while she is at work, having him drop her off and pick her up is what she wants. She not only wants this man, she wants everyone to know that this is her man. I have no idea which turn this will take next, but of course you know I will update you once we find out.

So this is what has been happening with Sister Someone and Brother Everything…the King and Queen of Dysfunction. Sorry it has taken me so long to post it but trying to keep other people’s drama straight is a little exhausting. I am drafting a couple of posts as I type (so far both are in my head) so check back soon for those. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading…and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

Thank You

I know this is not the Sister Someone post. I promise you I am almost finished but between her jumping off with new developments every 5 minutes and  breaking news, she is put off at least one more day. There is fresh, new behind the blog drama happening… I have made my own head hurt. I swear, when it comes to him, I am letting go and moving on as much as I can. I am tempering the caring and have drawn lines that I am standing by and sticking to. And it would appear with each line I draw, the man finds a way to cross it. Every.single.time. You guys know I still love him…everyone knows I still care. I want to be done with him, I want to no longer care to know and I would like to think I am doing what needs to be done to achieve those goals, but sometimes the heart needs to catch up with the head.

Unfortunately, what has transpired this time around is one of the few things I cannot blog about openly and honestly…well, I could but then sources are exposed, jobs could be on the line and  possible lawsuits could come about. Just know that what has transpired has been verified and it’s HUGE (to me and those who remember who the man used to be) ….I could never have imagined this turn of events in all of my wildest imaginings and even if the man never speaks another word to me in this lifetime, I can truthfully say I have my validation and maybe even some vindication.

Two great things came about with this latest revelation: I have the BEST. PANEL. EVER. in the history of Panel of Experts and as much as I still miss him at times…the things I do miss are miniscule compared to what I DO NOT miss about him and all that comes with him. Yes, I do want him happy and no, I don’t want him hurt and my initial reaction was to reach out to snatch him from under the bus that is rolling over him as we speak, but that feeling soon passed. When I look back over how happy I was (even though I was sicker than a dog) when I answered the phone and when I heard the breaking news concerned him, I then remember how quickly the dread just took over my entire tummy. I remember when I told him in the beginning to slow down, think things over…it was not about reconciliation or breaking him and the BTH up (ask anyone…I have NEVER told him to leave her)…it was about him making a rational decision. Oh, then I was a hater bitch who was pissed I was not being tapped to be Mrs. Him. Now, I just cannot be bothered to point out I was right, he was wrong and let’s try to fix this before the man really is butt naked on the side of the road, possibly a fugitive from the law or worse, in a pine box for real only to be faced with his wall of denial, delusion and stubborn pride. I can no longer go through 10 miles of bullshit to reach clear water that will vaporize in 5 minutes flat. And I have not only the process to thank, but my Panel. Below are my thank-yous to those who were there when the bomb fell.

UTA: Thank you for being my checks and balances person. Thank you for not running away screaming when faced with our craziness. Thank you for “getting” me and even though you are our newest addition, it feels you have been here forever. Thank you for pointing out that bitches be stupid, crazy does wear flesh and I am much better off venting to you and the Panel than debasing myself to even try to get to him’s level.

Cuz: Thank you for staying when I told you to leave. Thank you for pointing out that there are some boundaries you are not ready to push but you are open to that given enough time and understanding. Thank you for indulging in the speculation this new situation has brought with it. Thank you for reminding me why it is him’s loss (not mine) and that a serious bullet has been dodged.

Chef: Thank you for offering to bring the Jiffy Pop and lawn chairs to see the train derailment him’s life has become. Thank you for listening when I wonder what the hell happened, before during and after. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who still cares about him and worries what will happen.

Artsy Craftsy: Thank you for being there when I really and truly need you. Thank you for all the efforts you put forth into researching the rumors and stories. Thank you for recognizing my progress and for pointing out that there is still a ways to go.

Morning Person: Thank you for your insight, advice and wisdom. Thank you for making me feel like the most important person ever even when you have your own shit to deal with. Thank you for caring about people simply because I care about them. Thank you for keeping me on the path I need to be on. Oh, and thank you for rubbing my too full tummy in the Safeway when I started fading fast in the cereal aisle.

Oscar: Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving the advice I need to hear, even when you think I will hate you for it. Thank you for being the ear that listens when I wish to walk down memory lane for the 10, 000th time. Thank you for always coming back after you go crazy.

Sister Someone: Thank you for taking off the rose colored glasses and removing the earplugs just this once. Thank you for making sense and reminding me why you are still on the Panel. Thank you for the websites information and for pointing out that while it may be a little like spying or stalking, we do so because we care.

Quiet One: Thank you for knowing that the him I care about is not the person him is now. Thank you for caring about the person him used to be and for worrying about who him is now. Thank you for trying to offer answers to the unanswered questions.

Buddy: Thank you for always answering your phone, regardless of when I ring it. Thank you for always managing to pull me back to the present when I spend a little too much time in the past. Thank you for reminding me who the most important person in my life  is and always should be when I get too tangled up in other people’s opinions and treatments of me.

Girlfriend: Thank you for allowing me to freely choose not to be involved in this. You trusted that I was a good enough listener and had surrounded myself with enough folks who have strength, common sense and my best interests at heart that you did not have to say anything. Thank you for knowing that a part of me will always care as long as him is unhappy. Thank you for pointing out that just like I learned about happiness coming from within and everyone is responsible for their own happiness, I cannot be the one to give him that.

Tiger: Thank you for making sure I am okay with all that is going on, not just the him issues. Thank you for letting me go round and round only to end up realizing you said what I would do like a half hour ago. Thank you for being there, even when I do not wish to be bothered and for letting me vent and reminisce.

Mini-Me: Thank you for pointing out that crazy is crazy and being rational with it only frustrates me. Thank you for all the wild theories…if nothing else, it does help me laugh and reminds me to be grateful that this drama is not my drama. Thank you for the constant reminders that one day, all I feel (the good, the bad and the ugly) towards him will pass and that better people and days lie ahead.

And now that we have given him AND BTH their 15 minutes of fame….new rule: any breaking developments over there only get one business day of attention from me/us….on to another post (Sister Someone),  new adventures and more than likely…more drama. Again, I apologize I cannot tell all that happened here so double thanks for stopping by and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

 

 

The Love I Want

You know, when I started this blog, I honestly thought I was unique and alone with my relationship issues. I thought I was the only one who clung long, hard and way after the fact onto relationships and men who were not going in any direction but backwards. I thought I was the only one who had the incredibly fucked up boyfriend who sent the mixed signals and made promises he had no intention of keeping. I thought I was the only woman who had been abandoned without a goodbye or an apology or an explanation while the next chick (who is my complete opposite) reaped the rewards of all of my hard work and efforts.  I thought I was the only one who had gambled at love and lost big time.

But I find out I am not alone or unique and that there are people out there (women AND men) who have been hurt and devastated and been through so much more than me. UTA wrote a blog post entitled Love, in which she posed some serious questions about this emotion that makes the world go round. Love is defined as having a profoundly tender and passionate affectionate for another person, which includes strong sexual desires. I find that to be a generic definition as love is different for everyone. For me, it is comprised of friendship (and I mean a deeply personal friendship), chemistry, connection, compatibility and wanting the best for the other person…unconditionally. I would say happiness for the other person, but too many of us have a warped definition of happiness. For me, it is having a best friend, great lover and both parties being understanding and accepting of themselves and each other. It is wanting to grow and share and explore with that someone whom I would  want to see every day, even when they get on my nerves. Love is truthful, straightforward and secure.

Yet, so many of us think that love is arguments and insecurities. We accept the unacceptable behaviors and treatments, the lies and game playing…we take the unhealthy love because we believe anything worth having is worth fighting for….but is that the sort of love we want? The kind that keeps us guessing, keeps us in unhappy places and filled with doubt. The kind where we are so starved for attention from the object of our affection, we will do whatever it takes just to get a reaction? Do we get this ideal from TV and movies? From books and magazines? Do we think we can change the person to fit our ideal because we are so willing to change who we are to make them love us?

I used to tell myself it did not matter that him never told me he loved me…I convinced myself I was okay when him told me all he did not feel versus what he did. See, it was okay because I was in love with him and I had enough love for the both if us, but all I was doing was fooling myself. I need for my efforts, my actions, my words to be reciprocated. I need to know I am loved and appreciated and valued by the person I wish to build a happily ever after around. I do not want to have to change him or myself, or read in between the lines. I want…no, I NEED to KNOW…and to know without a doubt that this person feels for me what I feel for them…at that moment in time and that we will always strive to be in that moment.

Ross and Rachel are for ratings, people. The on-again, off-again…far and few between  moments and a loving relationship cannot be built on random moments. Love is constant, not scattered. Love needs attention, time together, and positive things to grow and flourish. Love requires an open-mind and compromise and the person who gives you this love…the person you return these things to…that is what’s worth fighting for. Not the person who uses you, takes you for granted and gives 10% to your 100%.

THIS is what I want….the person worth fighting for, the person who can give me what I can give them. The person who is emotionally available and able to communicate what he wants/needs…forget true love…I want real love. I do not want to have to set love free to see if it returns, I do not wish to share it or the person with another,  I no longer wish to feel rejected by the one person I say makes me happy. I want the love that never leaves, that stays to fight the dragons we face, that holds me close at night and feeds me chicken soup when I am sick. And it starts with conquering my fears. It starts with me understanding, accepting, liking, loving and respecting myself first. It starts with me being okay with being alone, holding onto  standards and some expectations. Remembering that just because things have always been a certain way, they do not have to stay that way. It starts with being willing to accept a short-term pain in exchange for long-term happiness….so many of us settle for long-term pain for the sake of short-term happiness. The cycle can be broken and all you want out of love can be yours…you have to be ready to accept change and break the cycle.

Okay, I had to get this off my chest…it came out of nowhere while writing the Sister Someone update. So I shall return to writing that post (it will be up super-soon, I promise) and as usual…thanks for stopping past and reading… and as always….enjoy your day!

The Post that Needed to be Revised

I am enjoying the end of a wonderfully relaxing weekend: I cleaned and I slept. Watched television, surfed the net and ate pizza and Chinese food. Did I mention I slept? My bed and I re-discovered our love for each other this weekend and re-ignited our affair. I am more than satisfied with the results, but I digress. While surfing the net, I read a lot of online dating ads…some were just ridiculous: the guy who wanted a semi-formal dinner at Ruby Tuesday of all places; the guy who wanted to know if he treated you to a large coffee and pulled out your chair at the establishment if the woman would go commando and have sex with him in the restroom. Typical online crap…but there was one ad that was so truthful and so hilarious, I wanted to respond just to thank the guy for posting it. In short, the guy wanted an emotionally damaged girl to shower him with obsessive love (which could include stalking if she were so inclined), then send mixed signals and pull back and the whole convoluted mess would end in acrimony, emotional meltdowns/breakdowns (preferable if both parties had one of these) and possible legal proceedings. And it would all take place within 3-9 months.

The biggest thing that impressed me about this ad was the fact that this dude told you up front what to expect, and how often do any of us get the truth so succinctly spelled out? He recognized that many of us (if not all of us) are emotionally damaged and that when unresolved issued are present (no matter how well hidden), there is no forever and no happily ever after. So when it doesn’t work out, this dude may be a lot of things, but a liar won’t be one of them. Yet, if by some miracle, it DOES work out, does that make him a liar or merely a relationship pessimist? Which got me to thinking: one of the worst things about the fiasco that was my breakup was the fact that him lied….oh, there were LOTS of other things that came along with that, but the man I loved more than I loved anyone before…lied to me. But did he lie, or was he merely being an optimist who was in the same place I was when he uttered the words he did?

And this is where I wrote this incredible post all about optimism and the truth becoming an accidental lie and how him didn’t mean it and all other kinds of sugar coated crap. Well, not crap exactly…it was mostly truthful but in a skewered sort of way that left him blameless and turned the BTH into some sort of saint. I am making a sincere effort to shed myself of the last vestiges of negativity, anger and hurt. I am trying to shake loose lingering issues and one issue I drag around from relationship to relationship is my lack of trust. I am working on implementing change in my attitude and my outlook…if I do it right, it will lead to a change in my behaviors and my choices will be different, so I put down what I think happened to cause the most unexpected unhappily ever after from a different perspective…what I would like to say is a forgiving perspective. But even I did not buy it….I saw where I was playing the Fool card and bestowing all types of unwarranted attributes to the man. I even sent it off to some Panel members before posting it and that is something I never do.

I am still wrestling with trying to make sense of the illogical and I have come to the conclusion that quite simply: I got got. No question about it…I fell for the guy who fell for the chick who brought out a side of him I had no idea the man was capable of and all I can do is chalk it up to the game. Of course guards and walls are back in full effect and if I have learned nothing else, it is that a person has to prove themselves before I just start ripping them down.  I would not go as far as running criminal (although that may be a possibility) or credit checks on a person, but I need to know more than how cute I think they are before letting folks run amok in my house of emotions. Time to write down more lessons learned: one of the biggest things to remember is that the next guy is not the last guy and everyone has to be evaluated on what they do or do not do, not what the guy before did or did not do. A guy hung up on another person is not going to give me the efforts I put forth and the efforts I put forth need to be toned down like a thousand notches. And the best thing I learned is that if the man I have wrapped my everythings up in (and that cannot happen again) can turn his back and forget me as if I never existed…..he just was not the man for me. Never was, never will be.

In the original draft of this post, I said I was trying to view this as him not lying, but telling the truth at that time but somehow, life threw a curve ball and neither of us are where we expected to be… but his actions following the lies and evasions, his disrespect…it shows me that the one time I let the trust issues go is the one time I should have held onto them. And believe it or not, this post is not about him or reconciliation or endless questions….rather, him is the obstacle (or one of them…I brought trust issues with me into this relationship) between me and trusting again. I do want to trust, I do want to view men in an objective, let me get to know you kind of way but I still see it as they are all the same and will all treat me the in the same manner. Which brings me to another eye-opener: maybe if I were the same woman they would, but the process has me working on myself in a way I never have before. Hell, the process is helping me with so many other issues, I am sure trust issues is somewhere on its list. I have discovered the root of my low self-everythings, I am working on a more positive self-image, slowing down with the people pleasing and standing up for myself more, holding out for what I want and deserve (slowly but surely the two are aligning) at least professionally. Personally, I still alternate between jumping ahead of myself and taking steps backwards and that’s okay. I never was one who could stay in the moment but so long, but we are working on cultivating patience…remember, you are going to wait anyway…it is what you do with the waiting that matters.

So for me and anyone else who has had their heartbroken and been lied to because of or as a direct result of said heartbreak….phonies always, always reveal themselves and thank goodness all the promises and proposals did not materialize….the lies they told saved us from even more pain, hurt and misery. Sometimes, people are just not pretty in any shape, way or form and ugly will always rear its head. We are not victims…we are the lucky ones who handled the unexpected with strength and will face the future with optimism (eventually).

Okay, time to start my day: shower, mani/pedi, grocery shopping and returning to the Sister Someone post. As always, thanks for stopping past and reading and as usual…enjoy your day!

 

 

 

Two Fold Mistake

Okay, the figurative stomping and crushing of my emotional balls by the pointy, steel-toed, rusted razor blade encrusted boot (otherwise known as the breakup fiasco) is over. The pouring of salt into my open, bleeding and quite possibly infected wounds (known as him’s marriage to the BTH) took place almost a year ago. For now, what needs to be said has been said. I swear, I have more to say but that is for a face to face meeting (I think confrontation is the word I want to say), but given that is perhaps an impossibility in this lifetime, I make do with yelling at him’s pictures. They listen (one even fell face forward in shame), and that’s good enough.

The process is showing me everyday why recycling is a bad idea and is presenting me with the lofty ideal of actually holding out for Prince Charming…no more frogs, no more frogs with potential. Fixer-uppers are no longer on the list…we are holding out for the tall order of move-in ready…and if we are holding out for Prince Charming, we are looking for a move-in ready castle. (I totally mixed metaphors there but I am sure everyone reading knows what I mean) Not only is it a tall and lofty order, it may be damn near impossible. I have always been of the mindset that any man who finds me attractive, sexy, and/or relationship material is either fucked up out the gate or I bring the crazy out of them. My relationship history attests to that…ask my Panel. But I have the process, which is showing me where I am making my mistake(s) and I am quite sure that it/they are rooted in people pleasing and my self-image/self-worth.

Overselling Myself: This is the first part of the mistake…everyone knows I am a taller, bigger girl. Society tells us that the man is supposed to be bigger and stronger…the woman is petite and feminine and most of society believes and conforms to this mandate. How often do you see a guy with a woman taller than he is? I realize I have to try a little harder, put forth a bit more effort (as if it is my fault the national height for men is only 5’9”) …society tells men that taller women are not feminine and that larger people are sloppy and unkempt. I am a girly-girl: perfume, lipsticks, dresses and skirts. I like jewelry and hair. I do not do heels though…at 6’4” I never saw the need to do so. I keep a clean home (the depression era does not count) and enjoy cooking (and do it well). I do not want children or pets but am good with both (for short periods of time). I can curse like a sailor and watch porn with the best of them,. I do these things not only because I enjoy them but because after reading Cosmo articles and reading forum boards, I am told that men like these things…a woman who likes being a woman but that can kick back and share interests such as politics, porn and sports with them…well-rounded lady in the streets, freak in the streets. I try really hard to show the men I am interested in (and who initially show an interest in me) that I am the chick who can give them all they are searching for in a woman….I am the one who can give them the attention, the support, the laughter, the clean home, home cooked meals and all the great, kinky sex they could ever want. I never get a headache and always have time to meet their every little request.

Mothering: Combine the need to be all I can be to a man (and all that they need), empathy, a huge, caring heart and a zeal to dispel stereotypes and you have the second part of my mistake: I tend to mother the men I love and that brings all kinds of unheard of dynamics into the equations. I am too accommodating (because I am striving to be the only woman they will ever need…which in my mind, means I am the only woman they will ever want); I pick up everything they throw out there…if it is positive I am expecting a follow-through because that means they want me to need them as much I want them to need me. If it is a negative, I am asking questions and searching for answers because obviously improvement is warranted in spite of my best efforts. I am the one who sends care packages when they are sick: I will never forget sending him AND his daughter hot soup, grilled cheese sandwiches and orange juice to the Island when they were sicker than dogs and no one would give them a Kleenex. I did it as a surprise…had the deli deliver the food in separate bags and had their names on the bags…except the daughter thought someone was trying to poison them and Artsy Craftsy was calling me telling me to let him know NOW who sent the food before it went into the trash. And who else remembers me taking him the bag of cold medicines, soups and treats when he was living with the BTH because him was sick for like two months straight and just not getting better? When the men come to visit me, I am freshly showered, wearing sexy lingerie with their favorite music or TV program on….home cooked meals on the stove or in the fridge. I am putting them in the bed, fluffing pillows and in the case of Married Man, actually feeding him. I kept their favorite foods, snacks and liquor/beer in my fridge. When they are upset, I am there to soothe their feathers or lift their spirits….this is beyond being a part-time wife without the ring…I was their mom with the added bonus of great sex.  Fetching drinks, doing laundry, telling them it was no big deal when they were unable to perform, buying them presents. I present no challenge and there is nothing they can do for me that I cannot do not only for myself but for them also.

I have to stop this…I cannot put forth all these efforts and resources to men who alwaysalwaysalways prove themselves unworthy of it. I am hoping really hard and working even harder to implement and utilize the lessons learned, the fact that I am the source of my happiness and the changes being wrought to ensure that the next man will be of a different caliber. I am hoping and working to use the knowledge of the root cause of my low self-everythings  to bring about a change in me. A confident, emotionally secure and mentally/emotionally healthy balanced person has no need to prove themselves right out the gate and on a constant basis….I am no longer a little girl seeking the approval of little boys. I am a grown woman (or soon will be) seeking a grown man who wants to grow together, who is emotionally available, appreciative and a firm believer in reciprocity and who knows that no one is perfect but that is no excuse for inexcusable behaviors and treatments. Grown women do not overlook horrid treatments and disrespect by shaking their heads and asking: what am I going to do with you? Grown women who have a positive self-image and self-respect leave when disrespect and inconsideration are the rule and not the exception….they are not calling and emailing and asking what is wrong with them and how can they make it right. They KNOW…it is not them, it is the other party and that the other party is so undeserving.

I am going to conclude this by admitting the one biggest mistake I make now with the moving on process: I have cut off communications to and with him (best advice I ever took) but I still receive communications about him, and that is not a good thing. I know it is rooted in caring, and the fact that I have a big, soft heart and I am still trying to harden it when it comes to him. I told the Panel unless the man lost his mind, his job, his house or his marriage….I do not want to hear it. And then him breaks loose with all sorts of ridiculosity that pretty much no one can ignore. Him and his choices are turning out to be a spectacular train wreck that provides entertainment and speculation, but I need to draw another line in the sand. I cannot help him (not only will him not allow me to help, I just do not think I have it in me to even want to try any longer) and it is not helping me knowing what I know. I cannot say I don’t care but I no longer care to know…unless of course he loses his job, his house or the marriage as apparently him has already lost his mind. But I jump ahead of myself…I have a lot of puzzle pieces here that need to be put together….truly my time is better spent finding out which pieces go where because the next time around (when and where it will happen, who knows), it will be an entirely new ball game with brand new players….myself included, and I am thinking (fingers crossed) the new me won’t even give a rat’s ass what happens to him. Okay, maybe she’ll give a tiny rat’s ass.

As always, thanks for stopping past and reading, check back soon for the Sister Someone/Brother Everything update and as usual….enjoy your day!