From the Inside Out

I want to start this blog post (the third in my promised three to get everyone caught up on the internal goings-on) with a statement made to me by a reader, and reader may be too grand a term for this person. It is a guy on one of the social sites I belong to who has been trying to hook up with me for the longest time. I am NOT interested and have told him so (I think he and Crazy Married Dude take the same medication or lack of…delusion and denial run rampant with both of these men)….perhaps he thought if he read my blog I would be interested, but he only read one post. THAT much was obvious and his comprehension skills are lacking as well…he read about my demon and says that the best way to get over that is to “chill with a special friend” as one does not need to be alone.

I not only need to be alone, I want to be alone….alone, with no distractions, I find I am able to finally see things in an objective way; I find I want to know why I am the chick that is always so great and so good but always gets left. I want to be able to get what I want from a relationship (first thing is an actual relationship…no more casual anything) versus settling for whatever the guy is offering. Being alone gives me a chance to process and experience change…it gives me the chance to make the changes needed. Change comes from within and I cannot concentrate on me if I am busy pleasing or giving in to lonely souls looking for immediate gratification just so they won’t be alone. So this post is to remind myself (and tell you guys) the changes that are taking place and how I am implementing them.

Health: Okay, so I am still smoking “real” cigarettes. I was going to use my electronic cigarette kit but the day I decided to do so, I read an article about the man whose e-cigarette exploded in his mouth. Needless to say, I am re-thinking my smoking cessation program. What I have found myself doing is being more conscious of what I eat and how much of it goes into my mouth…less red meat and sugars, more water, fruits and veggies. Trust me, I have not become some health conscious vegetarian, but there is more of a balance involved.

The Temp Assignment: I am leaving the assignment. It is not working out all the way around for me…I told you all before financially it was not worth it. Working 40 hours a week to bring home $80 more than what unemployment pays out and I am merely a maid who answers the phone. So I am not challenged at all…I worked too hard to overcome too many things and acquire the skills set I now have and I really do not see where my domestic skills have a place in an office environment. I load/unload a dishwasher, clean the refrigerator, sort mail, wipe down tables and counters, stock kitchen supplies and now they want me to do windows. No shit. It was different when it was a once in awhile assignment…even though I was not challenged then it got me out of the house and I do like the people that work there. But on a regular, 5 day a week basis, this is NOT what I signed on for and Lord knows, I am one of the best team players out there…but where is the rest of the team? Waiting for me to clean up behind them, that’s where and that is not making me happy. So my last day is this week and I will draft another game plan….I have come too far and am going through too much to not be happy in every aspect, including the professional.

The Arrangements and The “Others”: I have not had a mutually beneficial date in over a month…and I don’t care. Honestly, I would say all I miss is the money but at this point in time….I am not even missing the money. The arrangements are a lot of work…reading, sifting and for every 20 responses, only 3 are viable…and out of these three, 2 are guaranteed to flake out and stand me up. Of the ones who do show up, there are all sorts of stupid questions and awkward silences and game playing still. There is the guy who came over once and has made a date every week since, only to back out at the last minute with all sorts of dumb ass excuses. There was the personal trainer who raved about what a great time he had but the next day sent me an article about overeating…when I told him I found that inconsiderate and uncalled for, he wants to say it was not an attack on my weight. For real? A personal trainer sending a BBW an article on overeating and how to curb it is NOT what I am perceiving it to be? Kiss my ass. And Crazy Married Dude may have surpassed Him as the most delusional person I know. He keeps emailing me saying he wants to see me, he loves me, he is mine and will always be mine…yet, when I was open to seeing and being with him, all he did was come over and satisfy himself and then disable email accounts so I could not contact him. Yet, he loves me….whatever, dude. So I have put a halt to the arrangements and now ignore emails from men I no longer wish to be bothered with. I no longer need to deal with a bunch of unnecessary bullshit just to snag a few extra dollars or for a bit of attention from people who no longer have a place in my life.

Him: I am unsure where I am with this matter… it is not what it was on an emotional level but there is still a lot of ambivalence there. The passion is gone (the deep love and raging hate) but there is still caring, there is still a need for both validation and vindication and I still wonder what if and while I try to keep speculations of a reconciliation/return at bay, they still sneak in. I am falling out of love with him (and it is not as hurtful or painful as I thought it would be), yet I keep pieces of hope laying around my heart. I try to stay in the day, in the moment but sometimes I run ahead of myself trying to rush the conclusion but all that does is frustrate me. I need more time to work on me….I need to slay my dragon and I need to realize that I am better than what I settle for, worthy of more than I still sometimes yearn for.  I no longer want ambivalence…I want indifference and to be done with him…not just the current situation.

So these are the changes that being wrought within me and that I am trying so hard to implement in my life now. I am using all the lessons and advice and striving to be a better person, a different person…I wish me lots of luck with that. I will be back soon with new blog posts and as always…thanks for stopping past and reading… and enjoy your day!



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