Peace of My Mind

Before I get started with today’s post I have to say this: Wednesday  may very well have been  the BEST.DAY.EVER since him and I parted ways. Nothing special happened….I bought a Living Social coupon for $50  which is good for an hour long massage at a downtown day spa; went to the dental clinic and have an appointment next week to get the dental process started. I went to the post office to mail packages to my mother and Oscar, stopped off and got a mani  with clear polish  and a pedi (chocolate toes with turquoise polka dots), ran into CVS to pick up some odds and ends and finished the morning with a big, tasty breakfast at a neighborhood diner. Had 2 dates in the afternoon, which definitely helped out. So, all in all, nothing special….except that day, I realized how much better life is without worrying about him, without the disappointments and/or lies….on Wednesday, I felt pretty, sexy and confident (missing tooth and all)…and in spite of all the problems and drama, I chose to focus on some positives: I have a job (for the next 30 days at least), I have a roof over my head and clean clothes. I have friends, family and I am okay with me…right here, right now.

And now…on to the drama…maybe the better word would be situations.  How about dramatic situations? Whatever these things are,  they are not mine, yet they have found their way to my door…and I am going to address  them right here, right now. Not in a ranting, bitchy sort of way…my vacation from life gave me some perspective and a measure of peace. The vacation helped to quiet the voices in my head which had become a little too loud; it helped me to not go searching for the deer piss and it reminded me that putting bullets in brains is just not a nice thing to do. So with all this newfound perspective, I am choosing to address the situations  by offering them the peace of my mind versus a piece of my mind.

To Him: 534 days has passed since our train wreck…sometimes it feels like only yesterday, but that is neither here nor there. I admit, it has taken me longer than I thought to come to a place of acceptance but in my defense, there was a LOT to accept here. Finally, I am at a place where news of you no longer interrupts my life but I am thinking enough time has passed that you should no longer be intruding on or in my life. I am doing more than my share….I am no longer asking about you,  I no longer want and yearn for whatever it was we had (beautiful disaster still comes to mind), I am respecting no communication rules (mine and yours) and I am stopping the little gossip that comes my way. However, you have a part to play here also, and that would be to stop putting your business out there to my friends who you know will tell me…and the business is big enough you know no one (myself especially) will ignore it.  Seriously, for a person so private and  to not indulge in the gossip/rumor mill….you have managed to STAY at the top of the charts since meeting this chick. The verified stories I have heard make me both laugh and cry. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you all I know (protecting the innocent and all that good stuff) but I know about the disrespectful behaviors/treatments; I know about the paystubs incident; I know that your financials need a tampon, stitches and the world’s largest piece of gauze to stop the free-flowing bleeding from the huge gouges happiness and marriage have put into them. I know about showing up at work at ungodly hours and wearing the same clothes over and over when you are not wearing the most ridiculous outfits. See, your flamboyancy and flaunting of your business is intruding on my life and that needs to stop. No way should I know ANYTHING about you anymore….and I don’t want to. You hear nothing about me, yet I get the feeling you would like to…why else sit down with Chef at 6am with a cup of coffee asking him what’s new? Chef discusses nothing of a personal nature with you….never has, never will.  Look, I gave you what you wanted…I said goodbye and I no longer bother you for anything or any reason. I am respecting the fact that your actions tell me you have moved on: you have met someone you loved enough and felt worthy enough of your name to give it to her. I am respecting the fact that you are a husband and stepfather now. I have accepted and made peace with the fact you hurt people to obtain those titles. I  realize I have no place there and I have no business knowing your business. So can you do one little thing….please stop airing your business to my friends and your co-workers. I want to keep progressing forward, I want to fall in love and experience happiness with another and that is just a little hard to do with your distractions in the background. I have not yet made that much progress that I can just ignore or overlook  you, especially with what you are throwing out there. Our time has come and gone, the current situation speaks to that…all I am asking is that you enjoy the fruits of marriage and happiness just a little more privately and quietly.

To Married Man: I admit, you are the one who had me searching for deer piss and firearms, but after some thinking….I am as much to blame for the tax fiasco as you are. You showed me long ago you were an untrustworthy coward and liar…yet I still blindly trusted you to do the right thing by me and my finances. So I no longer wish you all kinds of financial ruin or for your girlfriend(s) to give you multiple diseases. I just want you to stay far, far away…we can no longer be pleasant acquaintances….we cannot be anything to each other but exes who don’t speak.  I am not interested in your version of events nor do I wish to hear how you DID do what you were supposed to do and the governments are in the wrong. Sorry to say, they both have the same story and unfortunately for me….my electronic signature. When this crap first happened, I may have been willing to listen, but as usual, you dropped the ball and I am the one cleaning up and paying the price. So, you shut up and stay away and I will pay this debt and not wish death and disease upon you. Deal?

To the Exes/FWBs Who Keep Coming Back: It is not your fault that you aren’t Him….and I am not going to fuss about or address the fact that you aren’t. No, I am going to fuss about and  address the fact of HOW you are approaching me and how your self-centeredness has me ready to break plates over your heads. First thing to note is that all of you….each and every one…came to me while married or otherwise attached to someone else. We met and played on your schedule (one of you was only available at 5am on Tuesdays and Fridays) and I accommodated those schedules. You all talked about movies, eating out, spending more time together, emailing in between…but none of you ever followed through on that. With all of you but one, I was with you freely…no mutually anything here….and one by one…I was the one who got cut out of YOUR life. You relocated to follow dreams, worked on marriages (because you didn’t want to lose your wife), you had babies with your significant others. You ignored my emails and disabled email accounts. Each and every  one of you has now returned and oddly enough, all of you have reached out via my online ad seeking a generous gentleman…yet none of you are willing to be generous. You have stated outright you are not looking to pay but want me to come play with you again. And I have to ask: WHY? WHY would I return to a man who has already shown me I am not a priority and have never been one? You could not give me what I needed then and you cannot give it to me now…financially or emotionally. I have been called mean, unreasonable and jaded…and I am all of that and none of that. While you were living your lives, I was living mine, and there is no room in my life for an ex anything at this point. I am going forward and while I may be willing to take a chance (freely or not) on someone new because who knows how the story will end, I am no longer willing to subject myself to being used in any way by a person who I already know will roll out once they get what they need/want from me. You each had chances with me….and each and every one of you blew them. I am no longer in the giving it another chance game…not with someone already committed to another and not with someone who has proven on more than one occasion that it really is just not worth the effort. And while him plays a big role in my newfound attitude…so do I and so do you. The best thing for all involved to do is to move forward and seek new and greener pastures.

To Sister Someone: YOU are a user with serious issues and baggage. You have thrown multiple folks under multiple buses all to save your own skin….and now that you are out of shields and targets, you want me to save you from yourself…and I just do not think I can do it anymore. I am out of excuses for you and your behaviors, and while I know the Bible speaks of the generous having generosity bestowed upon them, and those who refresh others shall receive refreshment…somehow, I am starting to view myself as your bitch and your fool, not as being good person and friend to you. And I get nothing from the friendship…you cannot loan me money, you can offer no support or encouragement and you do not listen to the advice I and the rest of the Panel offer you. You are more than hopeless….you are helpless also and that is just not a good combination. There is a reason I have not been returning emails and phone calls….there is a reason I am no longer available to you….and the reason is YOU.

To Oscar: You know I love you….the Panel loves you….but you have to start loving yourself. Right now, you are your own worst enemy. First, I have no idea how you cannot see all the gorgeousness that is you; second, I know Him, Jr. is your first love but you have to accept the fact that he has a new life with a new woman. His games, his conversations….it is all to prevent YOU from moving forward. The child knows what he has in you and he is unwilling to let it go….you are a safety net, no more…no less. Whatever you two once had has disintegrated into a cycle of abuse: emotional, mental and at times…physical. You are both using your child as some sort of go-between and now, that is backfiring in your face…not Him, Jr.’s. You have to start putting you first: follow your dreams, open your social circle so you can meet a new caliber of man, stop indulging in the one night stands and empty relationships that do nothing but drain your already dangerously low levels of self-respect and self-esteem. You cannot let your present pass you by while you cling to the past and hope it becomes your future. Life is NOT a spectator sport and neither is love….you have to get out there and make.things.happen. All your passiveness is doing is destroying your nerves and keeping you mired in misery. Let Him, Jr. go….once you let go even just a tiny bit…you will find it isn’t as hard as you think that he is the father of the child and you won’t ask the questions so often. You will be able to freely give yourself to the things that matter. You have to stop being passive about the situations in your life and start being positive about you. I have said it before and I will say it again…the first love is not the only love, and I understand about wanting to still love him….but let’s start with loving Oscar first.

So I have said my piece on the dramatic situations….I have no intentions on saying these things to the people addressed. Oscar will read hers…the rest of them will know how I feel about the situations by my lack of response to them and/or overtures they present to me. One good thing I have learned about this process is that no one needs to know my feelings on every little thing….they are seeking attention from me for whatever reason and by addressing them, I am giving them what they want/need. This blog post is my way of giving me what I want/need….a healthy outlet to say my piece and still leaving their crap alone…I have my own crap to deal with and I am going to address a piece of baggage that has been with me for the longest time in my next post. Apologies for taking so long to get this post up, thanks for checking on me and as always….enjoy your day!


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