Hail to the Chief

Hello readers! Today, I want to do something different and random…I am thinking we all need a break (albeit a short one) from all the drama, craziness and processing. Last year I blogged about Valentine’s Day (an unofficial February holiday) so this year I thought I would offer up some fun facts on an official February holiday…President’s Day. I know it has come and gone, but still, who could not use some fun facts about what is arguably the most important, prestigious and stressful job in the world? A long, long time ago when I was in elementary school (dinosaurs roamed the earth around the same time), there was no President’s Day: Abraham Lincoln’s birthday (February 12th) and George Washington’s birthday (February 22) were celebrated separately…somewhere along the line, the two birthdays were not only combined, but it became a day to remember and honor all the men who have held this hallowed office. So without further ado, enjoy the fun facts below, come back soon (there is a new post in progress) and as always…enjoy your day!

  • There actually have only been 43 Presidents: Cleveland was elected for two nonconsecutive terms and is counted twice, as our 22nd and 24th President.
  • George Washington’s Birthday was declared a national holiday in 1871
  • Forget Gore versus Bush: The election of 1800 (the first election in which the candidates actually campaigned) pitted Thomas Jefferson versus Aaron Burr and resulted in a tie…each candidate had 73 electoral votes. The tie was finally broken by Congress after 36 votes. Alexander Hamilton broke the tie…he despised Jefferson but LOATHED Burr and went with what he called to be the safer bet
  • Under President Andrew Jackson, the US was completely free and clear of debt…the first and only time that has happened in our country’s history
  • William Henry Harrison was the only President who has studied medicine. He  was the first US President to die in office and gave the longest inaugural speech ever…1 hour and 40 minutes while standing in the cold and rain with no coat, hat or scarf. At 32 days, he also had the shortest term in office
  • Andrew Johnson was the only US President to never spend a day in school….he was self-educated and taught himself to read
  • Millard Fillmore was the 13th President of the United States  and the last member of the Whig Party to hold the office of President
  • Is it just me who did not know that President Grant  was the same Ulysses S. Grant who was a Civil War general and hero?
  • Taft was our most overweight President, and never wanted the Presidency. He had aspirations to become a Supreme Court Judge and 9 years after his Presidency, he became Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court
  • Presidents Taft and Kennedy  are the only Presidents buried in Arlington National Cemetery
  • Presidents Adams, Jefferson, and Monroe all died on the 4th of July; President Coolidge was born on that day
  • Theodore Roosevelt was the first President to fly in an airplane and to visit Alaska; Herbert Hoover was the first President to have a telephone in the Oval Office
  • President Lincoln is credited with forming the Republican Party. He also declared the 4th Thursday in November (Thanksgiving) a national holiday as a means to heal the nation from the wounds of the Civil War. He also pardoned the first turkey, which he named “Jack”. Lincoln’s presidency is the only one completely defined by war, and Lincoln was so hated by the country that at his first inauguration, he was smuggled into Washington, DC as if he were a thief or murderer. That must have been a bit difficult as he is the tallest President…he stood at 6’4”. He was assassinated April 14th, 1865, which was Good Friday
  • The oldest elected President was Reagan (age 69); the youngest was Kennedy (age 43). Theodore Roosevelt, however, was the youngest man to become President—he was 42 when he succeeded McKinley, who had been assassinated
  • Count your change: Presidents Lincoln (penny), Jefferson (nickel), Franklin D. Roosevelt (dime), Washington (quarter), Kennedy (50 cent piece) are portrayed on US coins
  • Dead Presidents: The following are on US paper currency…Washington ($1), Jefferson ($2), Lincoln ($5), Jackson ($20), Grant ($50)…even though Ben Franklin is not a President, he is on the $100 bill to honor his achievements and contributions as a revolutionary, statesman and ambassador
  • Woodrow Wilson was portrayed on the $100,000 bill…a denomination used only by the US Treasury and was printed only from 1934-1969
  • Barack Obama is the first African American to be elected President of the United States. He was also born in Hawaii, making him the first President not born in the continental United States

Thirteen Vice Presidents became President while serving in the office of Vice President (or as a direct result of):

  • John Adams, 1796 — Direct election
  • Thomas Jefferson, 1800 — Direct election
  • Martin Van Buren, 1836 — Direct election
  • John Tyler, 1841 — Presidential death
  • Millard Fillmore, 1850 — Presidential death
  • Andrew Johnson, 1865 — Presidential death
  • Chester Arthur, 1881 — Presidential death
  • Theodore Roosevelt, 1901 — Presidential death
  • Calvin Coolidge, 1923 — Presidential death
  • Harry Truman, 1945 — Presidential death
  • Lyndon Johnson, 1963 — Presidential death
  • Gerald Ford, 1974 — Presidential resignation
  • George Bush, 1988 — Direct election
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From the Inside Out

I want to start this blog post (the third in my promised three to get everyone caught up on the internal goings-on) with a statement made to me by a reader, and reader may be too grand a term for this person. It is a guy on one of the social sites I belong to who has been trying to hook up with me for the longest time. I am NOT interested and have told him so (I think he and Crazy Married Dude take the same medication or lack of…delusion and denial run rampant with both of these men)….perhaps he thought if he read my blog I would be interested, but he only read one post. THAT much was obvious and his comprehension skills are lacking as well…he read about my demon and says that the best way to get over that is to “chill with a special friend” as one does not need to be alone.

I not only need to be alone, I want to be alone….alone, with no distractions, I find I am able to finally see things in an objective way; I find I want to know why I am the chick that is always so great and so good but always gets left. I want to be able to get what I want from a relationship (first thing is an actual relationship…no more casual anything) versus settling for whatever the guy is offering. Being alone gives me a chance to process and experience change…it gives me the chance to make the changes needed. Change comes from within and I cannot concentrate on me if I am busy pleasing or giving in to lonely souls looking for immediate gratification just so they won’t be alone. So this post is to remind myself (and tell you guys) the changes that are taking place and how I am implementing them.

Health: Okay, so I am still smoking “real” cigarettes. I was going to use my electronic cigarette kit but the day I decided to do so, I read an article about the man whose e-cigarette exploded in his mouth. Needless to say, I am re-thinking my smoking cessation program. What I have found myself doing is being more conscious of what I eat and how much of it goes into my mouth…less red meat and sugars, more water, fruits and veggies. Trust me, I have not become some health conscious vegetarian, but there is more of a balance involved.

The Temp Assignment: I am leaving the assignment. It is not working out all the way around for me…I told you all before financially it was not worth it. Working 40 hours a week to bring home $80 more than what unemployment pays out and I am merely a maid who answers the phone. So I am not challenged at all…I worked too hard to overcome too many things and acquire the skills set I now have and I really do not see where my domestic skills have a place in an office environment. I load/unload a dishwasher, clean the refrigerator, sort mail, wipe down tables and counters, stock kitchen supplies and now they want me to do windows. No shit. It was different when it was a once in awhile assignment…even though I was not challenged then it got me out of the house and I do like the people that work there. But on a regular, 5 day a week basis, this is NOT what I signed on for and Lord knows, I am one of the best team players out there…but where is the rest of the team? Waiting for me to clean up behind them, that’s where and that is not making me happy. So my last day is this week and I will draft another game plan….I have come too far and am going through too much to not be happy in every aspect, including the professional.

The Arrangements and The “Others”: I have not had a mutually beneficial date in over a month…and I don’t care. Honestly, I would say all I miss is the money but at this point in time….I am not even missing the money. The arrangements are a lot of work…reading, sifting and for every 20 responses, only 3 are viable…and out of these three, 2 are guaranteed to flake out and stand me up. Of the ones who do show up, there are all sorts of stupid questions and awkward silences and game playing still. There is the guy who came over once and has made a date every week since, only to back out at the last minute with all sorts of dumb ass excuses. There was the personal trainer who raved about what a great time he had but the next day sent me an article about overeating…when I told him I found that inconsiderate and uncalled for, he wants to say it was not an attack on my weight. For real? A personal trainer sending a BBW an article on overeating and how to curb it is NOT what I am perceiving it to be? Kiss my ass. And Crazy Married Dude may have surpassed Him as the most delusional person I know. He keeps emailing me saying he wants to see me, he loves me, he is mine and will always be mine…yet, when I was open to seeing and being with him, all he did was come over and satisfy himself and then disable email accounts so I could not contact him. Yet, he loves me….whatever, dude. So I have put a halt to the arrangements and now ignore emails from men I no longer wish to be bothered with. I no longer need to deal with a bunch of unnecessary bullshit just to snag a few extra dollars or for a bit of attention from people who no longer have a place in my life.

Him: I am unsure where I am with this matter… it is not what it was on an emotional level but there is still a lot of ambivalence there. The passion is gone (the deep love and raging hate) but there is still caring, there is still a need for both validation and vindication and I still wonder what if and while I try to keep speculations of a reconciliation/return at bay, they still sneak in. I am falling out of love with him (and it is not as hurtful or painful as I thought it would be), yet I keep pieces of hope laying around my heart. I try to stay in the day, in the moment but sometimes I run ahead of myself trying to rush the conclusion but all that does is frustrate me. I need more time to work on me….I need to slay my dragon and I need to realize that I am better than what I settle for, worthy of more than I still sometimes yearn for.  I no longer want ambivalence…I want indifference and to be done with him…not just the current situation.

So these are the changes that being wrought within me and that I am trying so hard to implement in my life now. I am using all the lessons and advice and striving to be a better person, a different person…I wish me lots of luck with that. I will be back soon with new blog posts and as always…thanks for stopping past and reading… and enjoy your day!

 

Dark Night of the Soul

This is NOT the post that should be here…today’s post is actually #3 in the getting everyone caught up series, but between my frustration and Oscar’s total disregard for herself and her safety…here we are. You guys KNOW I lovelovelove Oscar…she is like my daughter, my baby sister, my soulmate and my BFF all in one, but do you know what  else she is? She is fucking hard-headed and has a tendency to NOT listen. The girl gives great advice and makes so much sense at times I cannot believe we are still at Square One with her.

The dark night of the soul….it is defined as a period when life’s circumstances just bewilder and baffle us: death, accidents, illness, heartbreak, betrayal…pretty much when life is being crappy for no reason at all and with no explanation. People say the changes are a wake-up call for us to put something right in our life, to help us grow, or to motivate us to change the direction of our life. Personally, any major change in my life was preceded by a dark night of the soul….addiction and the Him fiasco rank among the top 3. The best thing to do when going through change is to use the time wisely…to learn from it and grow…become better, wiser and to change directions. Now, I am not going to sit up here and say it is easy…hell, it is change and unexpected, sudden change (Him, Jr. left her in the same manner Him left me), it is her first love, she is young and they have a child together…but the girl is not.even.trying!! THAT is what is frustrating….she is not trying to move on and in her stagnation she is sliding back into self-destructive behaviors and it is killing me. So I am going to write her a letter….get it all out and hopefully something catches her eye, sinks in…something.

Dearest Oscar:

WHAT the hell is going on with you? It has been almost 2 years since Him, Jr. left…you say he toys with you and sends you mixed signals but he isn’t…he is doing what you allow him to do. He is living a life with another now…and you are no longer what you were to him and you have not been for a long, long time. He calls you horrible, horrible names and at one time, had your child disrespecting you also…he has attacked you physically AND followed that up with a lead pipe and have you forgotten the suspected abuse of Baby Oscar? I still wonder what really happened that the child could tell everyone about it until Him, Jr called you the night before and then…the child clammed up tight.

You are putting Him, Jr. ahead of everyone…yourself, your child…and for what? Hoping that he may come back? You HAVE to let go…hell, take one hand off the wheel. It WILL be okay, I promise. Because right now, you are hurting so many people and whether you realize it or not, you are using people. The only ones who are expending time, energy and resources to help you out of the situations you put yourself in are family and Panel members…not you, not Him, Jr. WE are the ones with the headaches and sleepless nights wondering when will you come to your senses and are you okay.  And that is our fault…we are all tip-toeing around and saying we understand and it takes time…we are enabling you versus helping you, but this has gone on long enough. For real.

You are encouraging and indulging the Stupidest Man in America right now and then you go and  meet up with the EXACT SAME MAN who gang-raped you last summer?? The WTF factor here is off the charts, girl! WHAT were you thinking? WHAT did you THINK would happen? He drugged you and gang raped you again…stole your phone and threw you out in the street. Do you know how incredibly BLESSED (luck had nothing to do with this) you are  to escape with your life?? And to call Him, Jr. of ALL people?? You are hurting yourself and surrounding yourself with assholes and negativity all in an attempt to garner sympathy and attention from a man who in all honesty is NOT paying you ANY attention until he wants to know where you are. You are stagnating, backsliding and being a puppet for a man who checks in every once in awhile to see if his safety net is still in place.

Look, I know you love him and he is all you know. I know you feel that letting go and allowing the process to do what it does will cause you to not love him anymore but you have to stop looking at it that way…the process will help you find out what is going within YOU that you feel that this is the best you will ever be able to do. The man has taken away so much from you…senior year of high school, life as a completely single woman…you are so beautiful and talented. You can still achieve dreams and reach goals, but you aren’t because you are scared to not be there if he comes back to you. Don’t you want to be in a place where he needs to catch up with you if he wants you? Don’t you want to be on the receiving end of efforts exerted? Don’t you want more than a man who pays less than $85/month in child support?

You are holding onto a non-existent relationship long past the time when it is worth the effort…and all I want to know is WHY? You say it is deeper and more painful than an ordinary breakup but it isn’t….you are making it that way when you keep yourself stuck. Him, Jr. is no longer inflicting pain and misery upon you…YOU ARE. There is NOTHING good left in this relationship and now you are allowing it to suck the good right out of you. You are doing absolutely nothing to help yourself and others have to pay when you indulge in your destructiveness….and I am not sure how much further you will go to get this man’s attention because right now, you are on a path that will lead absolutely nowhere except maybe a mental institution or a grave.

And I cannot stand by and watch you destroy yourself (I would be remiss as a friend to do that) because you will not trust and believe…you were there for me when I saw nothing but darkness. You helped ease my pain and told me all the things I did not want to hear or believe…but I trusted you. You said you were my friend and you loved me…and I believed you. You helped me believe in myself and all I want to do is return the favor…so why don’t you believe and trust in me? I know I am not completely healed or where I want to be emotionally right now, but because of you and your love and advice I am in a place I never thought I would be…and yes, it hurts here also. But not in the same way or over the same things…it is kind of like that hurt when you pull a splinter or something infected and festering from beneath your skin. It is a good kind of hurt because you know it is the hurt of healing.

I want you to move on, let go…find Oscar again…remember the poetry you used to write or your youtube  channel where you would read scripts in all those funny voices? Remember the auditions you would scour the paper looking for and your dreams of living in New York as a famous actress? You cannot do those things waiting for Him, Jr. to come back your way. He has moved on…as sad and hurtful as that is…he has and you need to do the same thing. I was once told that living well is the best revenge…and it is. Being stuck and miserable only shows them how much power they still have over you. You have a son to raise, a life to live and a future to plan…please, I am begging you. Let go just a little bit…I promise to be there to catch you if you fall…but more than likely you will only stumble. And remember, when you stumble…you are still moving forward.

I love you, sweetie…so, so much. I want you to learn to love you too…you are pretty awesome! I am going to leave you with a quote by Maya Angelou….“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

History Lessons

I have a lot of things to say and ground to cover with you guys….the plan is to do so over the next three posts. We shall see if that actually materializes….you readers have been with me long enough to know that in my world, things change on a dime and priorities are shifted constantly. The first thing I want to do in this post is to let you know my guest blogger Adam has started his own blog!! YAY!!! I am so excited for him and proud of him. I totally suggest checking out his random and very interesting musings on life as he sees it. You can find it here.

Second thing…I revealed some really personal stuff to both myself and you guys in an earlier post, which I have been told was the hardest part of my emotional exorcism….admitting wrongs to yourself and others is the hurdle…forgiveness should naturally follow. Except I am an emotional hoarder and a petty bitch who will more than likely carry a grudge to the grave, but I don’t want to be that person. I want to be free….emotionally and mentally. So I spent some sleepless nights and decided to pass the time watching television…and between two programs and the funeral of a family member, I got what I like to call my tools for an exorcism.

Let’s start with the programs…I saw An Interview with Eartha Kitt and at first, I did not want to watch it. I mean…who WAS Eartha Kitt? I just knew her as the woman who sang Santa Baby and as Catwoman in the old Batman series. What I saw on that stage was a beautiful, poised, articulate woman at peace with herself and her choices. She was bi-racial child who was conceived in rape (her black mother was raped by a white man) whose mother did not want her…in fact, Eartha did not know who her biological mother was until she was 8 years old. She came up in a time when  being bi-racial was neither exotic or envied…she was hated by two races and did not fit in anywhere. She had to make her own niche and was fluent in four languages and sang in seven. Orson Welles called Eartha Kitt “the most exciting woman in the world.” I was fascinated and wondered how she did it…she had so many obstacles to overcome, so many decks stacked against her…but she said that one had to like oneself first and foremost; liking yourself meant accepting yourself, flaws and all. One had to remember that people will hurt you and you will hurt yourself but to remember that resentment over a difficult situation actually makes that situation worse, so give your focus to the good things that truly matter. Another thing Miss Kitt said was to remember that you will not always get what you want in life and love…she was wildly in love with two white men who lacked the courage to be open with their relationship with her before she met the man who loved her enough to marry her and give her the child she always wanted. She said she learned that the ones who would rather conform to society and its rule than be truly happy and pursue what they wanted ultimately would have turned out to be not good for her. In life, one cannot be afraid to stand out and speak out…for themselves and for others.

The second program was a special on Thomas Jefferson, our 3rd President and author of the Declaration of Independence. I learned some interesting tidbits that will make great date trivia someday: even though he owned slaves, Jefferson made sure his slaves could read, write and each had a viable skill  and did you know in 1815 Thomas Jefferson owned the largest, most extensive private library in the country? He sold his collection to the government because of financial difficulties and his collection is the foundation/basis for the Library of Congress. He died in debt to the amount of $107,000 ($2 million in today’s dollars) and John Adams, who died the same day he did was a lifelong friend. But the fact that stood out to me was during the Revolutionary War, Jefferson was the Governor of Virginia and upon his state being invaded by the British, Jefferson left. Seriously, he packed some provisions, jumped on a horse and abandoned Virginia…leaving it vulnerable and without leadership in the middle of war. How many people know that fact? And for those who do know it, would that be something you mentioned about him? I know  wouldn’t because he overcame that mistake and went on to become one of the greatest politician of his time and an all around Renaissance man….that faux pas had only as much power over Jefferson and his destiny and legacy as he allowed it to have.

Now we arrive at the final lesson history taught me this week…my aunt passed away and I attended her funeral. In fact, it was her passing that has put this process into high gear. My aunt was beautiful, vivacious and loved to laugh. She was affectionate and had love and empathy for everyone, including ex-boyfriends. If you were a part of her world…she cared… long after whatever she shared with you was gone. Even when she divorced her husband…she never remarried (she did date) but the two of them loved each other until the day he died, four years ago. Even in her illness, he visited and they communicated every day. She struggled financially but her children never went without, no one she knew ever went hungry and when she was able to go out and be social, she never wanted the night to end. Her health was poor….she suffered 6 strokes and 2 heart attacks which left her a prisoner in her own body for the last 30 years of her life and for the last 3 years she could do absolutely NOTHING…not even taste food or water. To me…her ordeal speaks of a strength, courage and a faith I can only hope to imagine. To at one time be so vibrant and vivacious…to always have the quick and ready smile, to be so ALIVE…and then to be unable to even turn your head, roll over in bed or even press the buttons on a remote control to change channels…to be dependent on another to brush your hair, to brush your teeth, to feed you…to change your damned diaper. To not be able to hug, kiss or say I love you. To be so mentally alert and aware and unable to express anything….I would want to die. But my aunt…every day, she woke up with a positive attitude and from somewhere she found the strength to want to go on and see what that new day held….and HER genes run through my bloodstream. Hell, until I got to the illness part, I could have been talking about myself. If she can find the something in what appears to many to be nothing…if she can accept that her life was to be lived out as a silent example of strength…I can surely pick up the pieces of what is my life and put them together.

And these lessons are my tools: you must be healthy…in mind, body and spirit. Yes, being careful what you put into your body is important but so is what you feed yourself mentally and emotionally.  Positive thoughts and positive people go a long way. Yes, you will make mistakes but you are not your mistakes. And even though life can be unfair and mean and cold; even though you may not get what you want or things did not play out the way you planned them or wanted them…there is still something to get up and face the world for and you have to face it with hope, optimism and to just do the best you can each and every day. We all like to think that good and bad, right and wrong are such polar opposites and it is one extreme or the other…but they aren’t. The black and the white are all tangled together to make shades of gray, and all any of us can do is t make sense of the gray area.

I will be back soon with a post on how I am applying these lessons and dealing with the changes coming about in my life. Seriously, it will be soon, I promise. Thanks for reading and as always…enjoy your day!

 

 

 

(Just to See) What If?

Emotions , sensations…they blend and blur to become colors.

Colors which crash and collide…the colors cross lines and spill over into my dreams.

Dreams which are more than dreams….dreams that become some alternate reality.

Dreams that allow me to see what if…..

What if I had told the truth that one time?

What if I had lied that other time?

What if  I had said yes that one time?

What if I said no the other 10 million times?

What if I were able to get it right the first time?

What if I had never met Him?

What if we were still together?

What if there were a husband and children instead of heartbreak and an empty apartment?

What if I were whole instead of broken?

What if people had not died?

What if there had been no addiction, no rapes, no beatings?

What if there was no recovery?

What if the next guy sweeps me off my feet?

What if there is no next guy?

What if Him does return?

What if there is no return?

What if there weren’t any regrets?

Wake me up…

The dreams make way for my reality and take their alternatives with them.

But they leave a message that whispers in my ears and echoes in my mind…

If you think this is over, you are wrong.

The Root of All My Evil

I have not blogged in a week…I know. I wanted to, but I have been dealing with some serious stuff. I do believe I am either at a new level of the process or in a brand new one altogether…what I am dealing with is deep down, firmly rooted crap that I thought was resolved, but obviously it isn’t. Baggage has sprung open, skeletons are falling out of the closet and I have been a complete wreck both emotionally and mentally. I blogged before I was ready for the process to get low and go deep so I can begin work on myself but seriously, it is too early in the year and too soon on the heels of the first process to be subjected to this crap, but the Universe knows what it’s doing. I suppose.

There are two reasons I have not been able to write it out: first, I had to sort through and process it enough so it makes sense to me (this is draft #6)….no need in looking back over this post one day and thinking to myself: what the hell was I talking about? Second, I had to keep it as vague as possible while still being truthful….I did not want to password protect the post because all I need is someone asking for the password and being refused….immediate red flag. I also cannot be too detailed because I also do not need the wrong person reading the post and all of a sudden (and 3 decades later), I am back in the hot seat and somehow, some way (trust me on this one)….it will be all my fault and I am in the wrong and what the hell was I hoping to gain from this?

So I am just going to jump right into it….this has dragged on long enough.  Fair warning: this post may not make sense at times and I will ramble, vent and probably cry while writing it but I have a fresh pack of smokes, a bottle of aspirin, a box of Kleenex and a teeny tiny bit of courage. It is time to face this demon and perhaps lay it to rest once and for all but there are a lot of reasons for me not to do so: it has been a part of me nearly 30 years. Hell, it IS me: it has shaped how I view myself, it has given me my perspective on sex, men and relationships, it has been my crutch and excuse. Who would I be without it? And why do I have to face it and rock the boat? We have had an understanding for decades now and it is an uneasy truce between us…but a truce that works, nonetheless. BUT, the best reason to face it is simple: it will change me and only for the better. All the healthy relationships I say I want, the raised levels of self-everythings I need to obtain these healthy relationships…are mine for the taking if I just do the right thing and slay the dragon…but no one ever said doing the right thing is easy.

You guys know I was molested as a child (I was 9, he was 14 when it began); I have told you guys that the molestation itself was not the issue or reason for my drug addiction…the way it made me feel was. It was pleasurable and I began to look forward to it…I got jealous when he bestowed attention to other females. I was an awkward child physically and socially and the time spent with this person became an escape of sorts. He never teased me about my glasses or braces or about how tall I was….he said we were there to make each other happy and feel good….and unsure if this is important….there was never any penetration: there was tickling, fondling, and oral for him …but no penetration.  I have been told that it was not my fault…he was old enough to know better and that I had been taken advantage of; that of course I found it pleasurable …sex is pleasurable. I was coerced and thrust into this and no way was I to blame… so for decades, I blamed this person for my fucked up ways, for my overt sexuality and it was all his fault I was unhealthy and could not maintain no more than semblances and pieces of relationships.

Except ….he isn’t fully to blame. I had the chance to stop this abuse…I was approached two years into the molestation and asked point blank was I being touched in an inappropriate manner and I lied. I said no, he was not touching me, no he never had. I can say I lied because I was scared of getting in trouble or somehow it would be all my fault or that this person would hurt me if I did tell. But that is all another lie….I lied because I knew if I told the truth, it would stop…and I did not want it to stop. And this has me angrier than hell….first, I am angry because I am having to face the abuser, which in itself is not that big a deal (to me at least)…enough time, space and living of life has gone by that I do not fear coming face to face again…no, I am angry because in facing this person I have to face myself and my actions. I was an active participant in what happened, whether I was coerced or not and I am angry at myself for that…so angry, I told Morning Person I do not think I can forgive myself for it….and I think the reason I am finding it so hard to forgive myself is that is it all about treatment…and you readers know how I am about treatment. Really, if I can perpetuate a cycle of abuse against myself, how can I be angry at anyone else for their treatment of me? Hell, everyone who ever fucked me over is off the hook…it is not them, it is me who is fucked up (apparently from Day 1) and unhealthy and this is why I get what I get…I have no idea how to treat myself.

My Panel has been really good, even with me going crazy ….I actually kicked Cuz and Oscar off the Panel AND de-friended them on Facebook . I have since brought Oscar back onboard and we both have been crying and saying I love yous and begging each other for forgiveness, but then Oscar said something that really touched me. She said she is glad this happened because now…there are no more secrets and that really hit a nerve. We are only as sick as our secrets and as UTA (I lovelovelovelove her!!) said: this only has as much power and control over me as I allow it. As we all know, a secret is no longer a secret once it becomes known…and since telling my Panel about my role in this….I have found so much love, support and understanding. Those who could not relate have been sure to remind me that maybe then I did make mistakes and did not know how to treat myself but I have bloomed into a strong, beautiful and intelligent woman deserving of only the great things in life….it is time to remove this cross from my shoulders and go forward in a positive, healthy manner.

Cuz… is another story. He could not handle my issue and did what he usually does….came up with an impossible story meant to garner sympathy and attention versus my anger and honesty. At first, I could not understand why he simply could not pick up the phone when I am always, always there for him…but I took the Panel’s advice (yet again) and explained to Cuz where I was  coming from…I had made sure to mention it was not some superficial bullshit about Him/BTH or Sister Someone…I had a REAL issue here and when he told me he could email or text about it but was not in the mood to pick up the phone…I went ballistic. I could only verbalize what the hell was going on (just barely) and his ridiculous response let me know that I am dealing with a demon that Cuz cannot handle….and I cannot be angry with him for not wanting to tackle it. So he is back on the Panel, but right now we are leaving him out in left field until he is ready to reclaim his sanity.

Now you know one of my oldest, deepest secrets….the one that may very well be the cause of all my other issues. I am hoping that this demon dies quietly….Lord knows, in the beginning it did not want to. But I know I am tired of hiding it and hopefully it is tired of living with me. I have a pretty good grip on it now…after a week of restless sleep, angry outbursts and crying jags that left me headachy and exhausted, I am in a better mood. I am no longer beating up on myself and I am staying in the moment. What was done has been done and it is far enough in the past that while it may have shaped my adult life until now…it no longer has to and I don’t want it to. I am ready to be free.

Thanks for  stopping past, bearing with me through this long (and brutally honest) post, and as always….enjoy your day!

 

Peace of My Mind

Before I get started with today’s post I have to say this: Wednesday  may very well have been  the BEST.DAY.EVER since him and I parted ways. Nothing special happened….I bought a Living Social coupon for $50  which is good for an hour long massage at a downtown day spa; went to the dental clinic and have an appointment next week to get the dental process started. I went to the post office to mail packages to my mother and Oscar, stopped off and got a mani  with clear polish  and a pedi (chocolate toes with turquoise polka dots), ran into CVS to pick up some odds and ends and finished the morning with a big, tasty breakfast at a neighborhood diner. Had 2 dates in the afternoon, which definitely helped out. So, all in all, nothing special….except that day, I realized how much better life is without worrying about him, without the disappointments and/or lies….on Wednesday, I felt pretty, sexy and confident (missing tooth and all)…and in spite of all the problems and drama, I chose to focus on some positives: I have a job (for the next 30 days at least), I have a roof over my head and clean clothes. I have friends, family and I am okay with me…right here, right now.

And now…on to the drama…maybe the better word would be situations.  How about dramatic situations? Whatever these things are,  they are not mine, yet they have found their way to my door…and I am going to address  them right here, right now. Not in a ranting, bitchy sort of way…my vacation from life gave me some perspective and a measure of peace. The vacation helped to quiet the voices in my head which had become a little too loud; it helped me to not go searching for the deer piss and it reminded me that putting bullets in brains is just not a nice thing to do. So with all this newfound perspective, I am choosing to address the situations  by offering them the peace of my mind versus a piece of my mind.

To Him: 534 days has passed since our train wreck…sometimes it feels like only yesterday, but that is neither here nor there. I admit, it has taken me longer than I thought to come to a place of acceptance but in my defense, there was a LOT to accept here. Finally, I am at a place where news of you no longer interrupts my life but I am thinking enough time has passed that you should no longer be intruding on or in my life. I am doing more than my share….I am no longer asking about you,  I no longer want and yearn for whatever it was we had (beautiful disaster still comes to mind), I am respecting no communication rules (mine and yours) and I am stopping the little gossip that comes my way. However, you have a part to play here also, and that would be to stop putting your business out there to my friends who you know will tell me…and the business is big enough you know no one (myself especially) will ignore it.  Seriously, for a person so private and  to not indulge in the gossip/rumor mill….you have managed to STAY at the top of the charts since meeting this chick. The verified stories I have heard make me both laugh and cry. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you all I know (protecting the innocent and all that good stuff) but I know about the disrespectful behaviors/treatments; I know about the paystubs incident; I know that your financials need a tampon, stitches and the world’s largest piece of gauze to stop the free-flowing bleeding from the huge gouges happiness and marriage have put into them. I know about showing up at work at ungodly hours and wearing the same clothes over and over when you are not wearing the most ridiculous outfits. See, your flamboyancy and flaunting of your business is intruding on my life and that needs to stop. No way should I know ANYTHING about you anymore….and I don’t want to. You hear nothing about me, yet I get the feeling you would like to…why else sit down with Chef at 6am with a cup of coffee asking him what’s new? Chef discusses nothing of a personal nature with you….never has, never will.  Look, I gave you what you wanted…I said goodbye and I no longer bother you for anything or any reason. I am respecting the fact that your actions tell me you have moved on: you have met someone you loved enough and felt worthy enough of your name to give it to her. I am respecting the fact that you are a husband and stepfather now. I have accepted and made peace with the fact you hurt people to obtain those titles. I  realize I have no place there and I have no business knowing your business. So can you do one little thing….please stop airing your business to my friends and your co-workers. I want to keep progressing forward, I want to fall in love and experience happiness with another and that is just a little hard to do with your distractions in the background. I have not yet made that much progress that I can just ignore or overlook  you, especially with what you are throwing out there. Our time has come and gone, the current situation speaks to that…all I am asking is that you enjoy the fruits of marriage and happiness just a little more privately and quietly.

To Married Man: I admit, you are the one who had me searching for deer piss and firearms, but after some thinking….I am as much to blame for the tax fiasco as you are. You showed me long ago you were an untrustworthy coward and liar…yet I still blindly trusted you to do the right thing by me and my finances. So I no longer wish you all kinds of financial ruin or for your girlfriend(s) to give you multiple diseases. I just want you to stay far, far away…we can no longer be pleasant acquaintances….we cannot be anything to each other but exes who don’t speak.  I am not interested in your version of events nor do I wish to hear how you DID do what you were supposed to do and the governments are in the wrong. Sorry to say, they both have the same story and unfortunately for me….my electronic signature. When this crap first happened, I may have been willing to listen, but as usual, you dropped the ball and I am the one cleaning up and paying the price. So, you shut up and stay away and I will pay this debt and not wish death and disease upon you. Deal?

To the Exes/FWBs Who Keep Coming Back: It is not your fault that you aren’t Him….and I am not going to fuss about or address the fact that you aren’t. No, I am going to fuss about and  address the fact of HOW you are approaching me and how your self-centeredness has me ready to break plates over your heads. First thing to note is that all of you….each and every one…came to me while married or otherwise attached to someone else. We met and played on your schedule (one of you was only available at 5am on Tuesdays and Fridays) and I accommodated those schedules. You all talked about movies, eating out, spending more time together, emailing in between…but none of you ever followed through on that. With all of you but one, I was with you freely…no mutually anything here….and one by one…I was the one who got cut out of YOUR life. You relocated to follow dreams, worked on marriages (because you didn’t want to lose your wife), you had babies with your significant others. You ignored my emails and disabled email accounts. Each and every  one of you has now returned and oddly enough, all of you have reached out via my online ad seeking a generous gentleman…yet none of you are willing to be generous. You have stated outright you are not looking to pay but want me to come play with you again. And I have to ask: WHY? WHY would I return to a man who has already shown me I am not a priority and have never been one? You could not give me what I needed then and you cannot give it to me now…financially or emotionally. I have been called mean, unreasonable and jaded…and I am all of that and none of that. While you were living your lives, I was living mine, and there is no room in my life for an ex anything at this point. I am going forward and while I may be willing to take a chance (freely or not) on someone new because who knows how the story will end, I am no longer willing to subject myself to being used in any way by a person who I already know will roll out once they get what they need/want from me. You each had chances with me….and each and every one of you blew them. I am no longer in the giving it another chance game…not with someone already committed to another and not with someone who has proven on more than one occasion that it really is just not worth the effort. And while him plays a big role in my newfound attitude…so do I and so do you. The best thing for all involved to do is to move forward and seek new and greener pastures.

To Sister Someone: YOU are a user with serious issues and baggage. You have thrown multiple folks under multiple buses all to save your own skin….and now that you are out of shields and targets, you want me to save you from yourself…and I just do not think I can do it anymore. I am out of excuses for you and your behaviors, and while I know the Bible speaks of the generous having generosity bestowed upon them, and those who refresh others shall receive refreshment…somehow, I am starting to view myself as your bitch and your fool, not as being good person and friend to you. And I get nothing from the friendship…you cannot loan me money, you can offer no support or encouragement and you do not listen to the advice I and the rest of the Panel offer you. You are more than hopeless….you are helpless also and that is just not a good combination. There is a reason I have not been returning emails and phone calls….there is a reason I am no longer available to you….and the reason is YOU.

To Oscar: You know I love you….the Panel loves you….but you have to start loving yourself. Right now, you are your own worst enemy. First, I have no idea how you cannot see all the gorgeousness that is you; second, I know Him, Jr. is your first love but you have to accept the fact that he has a new life with a new woman. His games, his conversations….it is all to prevent YOU from moving forward. The child knows what he has in you and he is unwilling to let it go….you are a safety net, no more…no less. Whatever you two once had has disintegrated into a cycle of abuse: emotional, mental and at times…physical. You are both using your child as some sort of go-between and now, that is backfiring in your face…not Him, Jr.’s. You have to start putting you first: follow your dreams, open your social circle so you can meet a new caliber of man, stop indulging in the one night stands and empty relationships that do nothing but drain your already dangerously low levels of self-respect and self-esteem. You cannot let your present pass you by while you cling to the past and hope it becomes your future. Life is NOT a spectator sport and neither is love….you have to get out there and make.things.happen. All your passiveness is doing is destroying your nerves and keeping you mired in misery. Let Him, Jr. go….once you let go even just a tiny bit…you will find it isn’t as hard as you think that he is the father of the child and you won’t ask the questions so often. You will be able to freely give yourself to the things that matter. You have to stop being passive about the situations in your life and start being positive about you. I have said it before and I will say it again…the first love is not the only love, and I understand about wanting to still love him….but let’s start with loving Oscar first.

So I have said my piece on the dramatic situations….I have no intentions on saying these things to the people addressed. Oscar will read hers…the rest of them will know how I feel about the situations by my lack of response to them and/or overtures they present to me. One good thing I have learned about this process is that no one needs to know my feelings on every little thing….they are seeking attention from me for whatever reason and by addressing them, I am giving them what they want/need. This blog post is my way of giving me what I want/need….a healthy outlet to say my piece and still leaving their crap alone…I have my own crap to deal with and I am going to address a piece of baggage that has been with me for the longest time in my next post. Apologies for taking so long to get this post up, thanks for checking on me and as always….enjoy your day!