This post is going to be a mess. A complete hodgepodge that may or may not have rhyme and/or reason. It is supposed to be the post about things I do like but I am not in the mood for that. I have been feeling ambivalent emotionally (see my previous blog post) and a little restless and at loose ends. I am blaming it on being hormonal which could be a huge factor, but also I am thinking the process is preparing me for another transition. I am not sad or depressed or angry…I just feel “lost”. So I am listening to some really chill music like Tibet: (A Passage To) by David Visan, Love on a Real Train by Tangerine Dream and Coastal Brake by Tycho….I feel as if I am floating and there are no words, no thoughts….just me and the music.
I guess I will start by giving you guys the quickest updates ever on my Panel….not a lot to say as two members have apparently decided to set up their own camp elsewhere. New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy have been MIA for who knows HOW long and have taken KBugg with them. Probably have their own panel where they do arts and crafts in between working and Baby Gymboree classes. Buddy has lost another job; Cuz, Oscar and I have kissed and made up and they both say they aren’t going anywhere…who would understand them? Morning Person has stated twice (and I kid you not) that she has “forgotten all about me” so I was not getting morning wake up calls. They resumed when I told her she can go join Sister Someone (whom I have not talked to since the dinner incident) in the corner, but I know Morning Person isn’t going anywhere and she is the ONLY person who can say that and get away with it. UTA is being herself…funny, upbeat and trying to reign me in over the Dude I am in Lust With (who doesn’t have a girlfriend and not as crazy as we originally thought) while keeping it together (seriously, she is stronger than she gives herself credit for), Tiger has been keeping me laughing and smiling with chat topics ranging from frog sex to yoga lessons; Guardian Princess made carrot cake cupcakes and offered me NONE of them and everyone else has been scattered but in touch. Chef is still on the fence about his potential new lady friend, Quiet One sent me a piece of Him/BTH gossip (BTH has declared herself the CEO of being beautiful and stated it is a full-time job) that has everyone either laughing like hyenas or speechless…UTA is shocked as last she heard, SHE was the CEO of being beautiful. Girlfriend is slightly MIA but she is busy with life, work and house hunting; Policeman took a mini vay-cay to New Orleans and Mini-Me, Busy Bee and Weekend Phone Friend have all been working. Fun One and Bell Pepper have been acting “funny” and I am not in the mood to find out why and Queen Bee and I are going to do IHOP really soon…I need more pancakes.
See? Quickest update ever….as for myself….I have no idea what is going on with me. I am being truthful and revealing things and I don’t want to be splayed open like this. I want to have my shit together, I want you to think I have my shit together but lately, it is like all I want is a big old bowl of Him, but I no longer have a taste for Him..if that makes any sense at all. Seriously, I had lunch with a couple of girlfriends recently and they told me how great I looked and I had lost weight (whatever) and how fantastic I looked. I told them I felt like I was unfulfilled and they were like…get a new hobby, try walking, a new career direction and I was like: I need me some Him. They laughed but I knew what I was talking about and I can finally accept Quiet One’s statement that maybe I don’t miss him per se, but the good parts of a relationship: talking and laughing with someone I care about and who cares about me, the stability that comes when you know that you are the only one and they like it that way, stolen kisses, holding hands in comfortable silence, snuggled up watching TV….you know…all the stuff that happens before the crappy ending.
Except I cannot embark on any of that yet…I am not ready and I know I’m not. I am ready to begin a relationship with a stranger over a hug. NOT a sign of a person ready for anything that involves body parts being exposed with no money being exchanged…and even the mutually beneficial dates may be backfiring on me. Remember the good sex I had? Well, dude has been back to see me…he is kind of a regular at this point and people….we are cuddling. AND talking…before and afterwards. Not good for what is supposed to be the ultimate NSA arrangement. I have another client who is unemployed….I am temping an assignment. He wants to see me again and I am hesitant to do so because I am feeling badly that I am at least temping short term and he is not and seeing me could be a hardship for him. Since WHEN is that my problem?? He knows the rules, I made the rules so if he wants to see me, he knows what he needs to bring with him and can obviously afford it.
Maybe I am beginning to break free of the armor that is protecting my emotions…maybe I am starved for affection. I have no idea….all I know is when I come home in the evenings, it would be nice to have someone to call up and talk to; it would be nice to have positive male attention when I am eating a meal out. A guy to catch a new movie and share popcorn with would be nice…and at night, sometimes…I long for a pair of strong arms wrapped around me while I listen to their breathing as we fall asleep. But…this time around, I want to receive what I am always giving…I want to be the one who is looked at adoringly even when I look like crap, I want to be the one who loves the least (sounds horrible but being the one who loves the most is not the best position to be in), I want a cheerleader and support system, not be one. I want vacations and flowers for no reason. And allowing the armor to fall completely off now will not get me that result.
So I hold on, feel restless and lost and listen to my music. I will go to the temp assignment, plan dinners with friends and figure out when I am going to use my move gift card (it’s like free movie and popcorn…can’t use it on any old movie). Trust me, I am not sad or negative or anything of that sort…I am learning myself and what I need and want. I am simply letting go and backing off while the Process and the Universe do what they need to do. I am going to get started on the list of likes but not before thanking you for stopping past and hoping you all enjoy your day!