My plan was to come home tonight and write the post/list about things I dislike and I actually started doing that, but two things happened today that have me so excited, I could pee my pants. One I was going to put on the list, but I realized by the time I finished explaining and expounding on it…I would have this post instead. So I am doing this post first, then getting back to my list. I will say that I have not landed a job, hit the lottery or won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes. Nope, my news is process related and what it revealed to me today is awesome…if only to me.
I am going to start with the guy I am officially in lust with…I was having it bad for that dude, all based on one hug two weeks ago. Seriously, I was daydreaming about him, imagining him and I in bed together, being a couple. The sad part of it is, he is not great looking (well, to me he is but ask anyone….while none of my guys are clock stoppers, they aren’t head turners. Handsome is not a word one would use to describe guys I fall for)…average at best, although Oscar loves his eyes. I know nothing about him but found out some things this week: he has a girlfriend, his political leanings do not match with mine, his spiritual/religious beliefs are at an extreme opposite of mine and he is into alternative life theories which are totally over my head. But, I was still wanting to be with him…and freely, people! That’s right, no mutually beneficial anything…I was going to open myself (in more than ways than one) to a man I do not know and apparently would not mesh with on any level, without a price tag. And the process put the brakes on that one…quick. It reminded me that all the men I gave myself freely to turned out to be disrespectful and unworthy of me and that in the long run, they morphed into complete and total idiots that fucked me over…royally. It then reminded me that with men I gave myself freely to, lust turns into love and not a positive, uplifting love…the negative, it causes me pain all the time sort of love. The love that is filled with doubts, insecurities and instability. I have to say the process is right…already, I am ready to forego my beliefs and my stance on important issues to say I slept with this guy.
So today, the process taught me another lesson and I am wondering how in the hell I could have overlooked the most obvious lesson of all: KNOW YOURSELF. Know what you do in the relationships that cause them to end in such a fucked up manner. Recognize triggers and behaviors that send out the signals of vulnerability and desperation. Work on yourself before throwing yourself back out there…and I need a LOT more work in that area. Seriously, I cannot think of one good reason I would freely offer myself to a guy who I know practically nothing about and the little I do know is a huge red flag, beginning with: he has a girlfriend. It is more than hormones and I cannot even say chemistry/attraction because I feel none of that. No, I am willing to wager that there is a deeply rooted issue within me that needs to be weeded out and removed and the fact that the process stopped me from going full speed ahead with this folly lets me know I may be ready to begin the real work on me.
Which brings me to the second lightning strike of the day…I have only been honest with myself and the Panel and you, the readers. Remember I once said that honesty can be altered to fit your reality but the truth only changes if your reality does? Well, I was going to vent about how incredibly pissed and frustrated I am by all these exes of mine crawling out the woodwork, but I am not pissed at them. Yes, it is nerve wracking, but I am pissed and frustrated because HIM has not returned. That is all it is….I am angry none of these men are him. Now, I know I say I am done with him and the situation and I am done…with the current situation. Him is the one I still love and I will tell anyone…doubtful I will ever love anyone that way again and him will never find anyone else who will love him the way I did….and I want us to have just one more chance to get it right. Him is the one who could get a thousand second chances with me, in spite of everything. There, I said it….out loud AND put it in writing. Sue me. However, I do have fine print with this….don’t ask me how, but fine print is different from terms and conditions….him has to return before the process finishes to get these thousand second chances. That way if it goes belly up again, I can process everything at once versus little baby processes. Maybe I am not making sense (I am barely making sense of it myself and it is MY thought) but if I am already clearing wreckage from one train wreck…if another train crashes while I am clearing from the first one…more work to be sure, but not that big a deal. However, if I have already cleared the area….NOT in the mood to go back and clear more wreckage so quickly.
And this is where my lightning has struck twice in the same place…there is something deep (deep, deep, deep) inside of me so ingrained it has simply become a part of my psyche to want to put myself in the path of unhealthy love…I am willing to give up beliefs, stances, and feed myself half truths to get it, be it with him or with random dudes I meet while on temp assignments. I blogged at the beginning of this year how this would be the year we could take back control of ourselves and our emotions and become the people we wanted to be and I am ready….I no longer want to the girl crying to her friends all the time, wondering what went wrong and what is it with me. Seriously, at some point it is NOT them, it IS you because you saw who they were and chose to ignore it. So I am ready for the process to get low and go deep…I know enough by now that it won’t begin until it is ready and that’s fine. I am grateful for days like today when it shows me that it is working and that as long as I remain true to myself it can help me more than I imagine. Now, if I can just stay out of my own way, I’ll be fine.
I am going to head to bed now…tomorrow I will check out blog posts by Larissa and UTA….go to my assignment and get to work on more posts for us. Hopefully I am not confusing or boring you too badly with all this process talk (I promise the next post will not be about it) and as always…enjoy your day!