Hi, everyone!! I have returned from wherever I was….all I know is it was cold, dark and quiet there. I am neither bruised or bloody but I am a little scarred…I think I am still carrying a little of the negativity with me. I had hissy fits, am physically tired, tense, bitchy and incredibly pissed at certain Panel members (and I am going to talk about them) but it seems the worst of the Occupy BBW movement is over. I fully blame the entire breakdown on Sister Someone and Brother Everything…but that may be an bit unfair. More than likely it was a combination of a lot of things….how about I just put it all down, see what I can piece together to learn something and then call it a day? I think that sounds like a plan .
First thing I am going to address is my anger at Cuz and Oscar….seriously, those two give me gray hairs, headaches and now they are freaking ignoring me. It is going to come across as convoluted because I feel they make time for me when it is convenient for them. But aren’t I asking them to be available for me when it is convenient for me? Except, I am always available for them…if I miss a call, I call them right back…but apparently the moment has passed for them because I get voicemail. I send emails and get …nothing. What strikes me as strange is that they are both using the same excuses: phone issues and medical woes. Trust me, I understand on both of those…my cell phone is so disgusting it cannot even be called a phone any longer; it is good for texting which I detest (it is on my list of dislikes, which is coming soon) and telling time. An actual phone call would be a miracle, but my phone is a good 5 years old, NOT smart and is pay as you go. Oscar and Cuz have SMART phones, upgraded phones…phones that come with registered trademarks, monthly bills and designer names from respected carriers Yet, they never ring…Cuz, who is NOT deaf swears he never hears it and Oscar cannot get email alerts. The medical issues….you guys know I can sympathize and relate….what I do not understand is how you can go to the doctor, get a diagnosis but never a treatment?? Yet, these two do it damn near every time. Oh, and they are not the only ones whom I am angry at…it is just that I have something tangible to vent the anger on with them. Artsy Craftsy, New Mommy, Sister Someone AND her Alter Ego….I said I would put them all off my Panel and start from scratch with whomever is left and they can go form their own little Panel….I have this town being big enough for two Panels. But I am not….I will vent and act like an Internet Tough Guy and then take it all back; I am definitely irked by the fact that I am not spending more time with my Panel and that it seems that every time I initiate contact with the ones I am ready to toss…NO ONE is available, I also know it is paranoia and jealousy. I fear they have found other friends who are emotionally healthy and have jobs and significant others and real lives.…I get angry that perhaps they have used me and played me and are now playing on my intelligence and in the case of Artsy Craftsy….that she has sided with Team Him/BTH, which to me would mean him has taken everything for real. I may still be getting better but my Malfunction served to show me that I am still fragile, vulnerable and definitely still riding on doughnuts. Negative emotions are right below the surface and I need to dig in a little more, push a little harder to lay a more substantive foundation.
Emotionally, I am no longer all over the place but I am angry at myself and my control issues for even trying to do battle with the tape player. Just so you know, the tape player wore me down…I never got it to stop. The on/off button was stuck, fast forward was non-existent and I gave up fooling around with it. It wore me down, then ran itself down. I do have an excuse (who doesn’t, right?)….I am only just now mastering the art of acknowledging the feelings…no way have I even begun to just “go with them”, especially if I know they are going to lead me nowhere or places I should not go. As usual, I am the only one beating up on myself: Tiger said it is natural to have bumps in the road and UTA said the same thing. Morning Person tells me that this (believe it or not) is the beginning of the end for the bad days, and I have been turning that over in my mind. Perhaps it is…the old skin is shedding (kicking and screaming all the way) and the new skin will be revealed…already pieces and patches of it are showing through. You know, with the all the people who say “let it go” and the ease in which they say it…one would think that once you did let go (more than you ever thought possible), all would be well. But as much as you are giving up a piece of who you are (or used to be), that part of you is letting you go also….and they are fighting and grieving also. Does that make sense to anyone other than me? I was almost kind of glad to remember the good times for a change…it was not all bad, all the time…the ending of course is another story but I am hopeful that one day I can and will remember the good times without all the whys and wherefores it brings with it now.
Towards him….obviously some love/caring/hope is still here somewhere, but it can no longer be offered or acknowledged to him. It just can’t…we are no longer the people we were with each other…I am changing for the better and him…who knows what the hell is going on over there? Again, all I can say is given how it all turned out, I never stood a chance and I am now realizing him is not worthy of yet another chance with me. This is going to sound so stupid, and I feel it is even stupider given my age, but getting through this heartbreak and process is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do…and I know I have said it a million times. I am not even going into the getting over him….that is a task for another day. Right now, I want to be at a place that a flashback does not raise the insecurities and associated demons…I have always wanted a quick fix to this and there aren’t any. Time to remember that hurting is healing and that the worst of this process is behind me. It took me two days to rebound and actually I rebounded after a sound sleep Monday night…just took an extra day to make sure the demons and issues are back in place.
So I did not have a malfunction or a breakdown/meltdown….I hit a pothole on what I thought was going to be a smooth road from here on in. The pothole did not flatten any tires…just shook the driver up some and opened up some baggage. Many thanks to UTA, Tiger, Morning Person and Chef for being there to remind me of all I have accomplished and that sometimes, it is best to relinquish control and let the process do what it does…I am still moving forward regardless of how it looks or feels. Now, I am going to prepare for work, and by this weekend I will have my list ready for you all to see. Until then, thanks for checking on me and as always, enjoy your day!
PS—Oscar and I have made up and are officially back in love but Cuz still is not answering his phone.