I am having one of my bad days…and it is a really bad day. I cannot seem to get the tape to play all the way through, people. It gets stuck at the good/great moments and plays far enough into the heartbreak part that makes me stop and question and wonder and replay all the unanswered questions to myself. It is as if it is stuck on stupid and wants me to join in…which I seem to be doing very well. I cannot sleep, I am crying (not a lot, but still, tears are being shed) and keep wondering why. Oh and did I mention it is an obvious conspiracy as everything I come across on television is all about the two lovers who just cannot seem to get it right but in the end, their love triumphs over all? No need to watch the entire story…after awhile, you just KNOW how the movie ends.
I am not sure why I am having a malfunction now…I have the process working, I am working the process…heading in the right direction (ever notice how when one is headed the wrong way, there are tons of paths to take but when one is headed in the right direction, there is only one way to go?) and do not recall either issuing or accepting any invites to a pity party. I have a list as long as my arm as to why indulging in reminiscing or daydreams of a reconciliation are NOT in my best interests, but then I remember him, I remember us and my heart aches. I remember what we were like when we landed on the same page, I remember laughing with him and making him laugh so loud and long. I remember dancing together at the Island Holiday Party, I remember being treated to lunches just because and I remember the ease and comfort of being with someone who truly gets you.
I am trying really hard to remember the hurt, the heartache and the tears him caused; I am trying to bring to the forefront the support and encouragement and advice of my Panel and family. Trying really hard to remember lessons learned and that breakups are about turning away from the negative and what is not working and turning towards the positive….if you are unhappy, you are turning the wrong way. But the tape player is stuck in rewind…and I CAN’T.FIX.IT. Even thoughts of who I was left for and whom he is freely offering at the very least the ultimate in commitment to is not helping the tape play forward. That train of thought leads me to imagining how wonderful his life is with her and how happy they are and in my world, they are naked and smiling and oh, so in love…and I do not exist.
I am wondering if it is user error, but not sure how. I have been keeping busy….I have been out to dinner with Queen Bee, planning movie night with Fun One, preparing for the temp assignment and even throwing some good karma out there by offering to treat a sucker punched Brother Everything to a meal. Going through coupons and Groupons to see which ones need to be used up pretty quickly and wondering to who to give them to if I am really not going to use them. Trying to figure out how to lose some weight without actually embarking on a full-fledged diet, indulging in retail therapy, figuring out what is for dinner and catching up with friends. Hell, other than that one piece of gossip a week or so ago, no word about him. Him has been quiet and so have I…thank goodness as we can only handle one fiasco at a time around here, and SS/.BE have staked a claim on the #1 spot. So basically, living a single girl’s life….and then this crap happens and I cannot find the manual to fix it.
And obviously there is nothing to do with this except to ride it out…the process is about healing and it is a grieving process also and Lord knows, this surely feels like mourning. One bright spot in all of this…I felt no need to contact him at all….I just wanted to write it down and share with myself and my readers. I am just hoping that this is a really rough patch that will not last too long…I enjoy being happy and having peace with the situation. There is no joy here in this place I find myself at 2:29am. So I climb into my bed and hope sleep comes before the alarm goes off and keeping fingers crossed I can either shut the tape machine down or be able to tell you guys how I managed to get the fast forward button working again.