I am sitting up here eating some dee-lish lemon sheet cake Guardian Princess has baked for me…she is taking a cake decorating class and I am her willing guinea pig. Her first project was the lemon sheet cake with white frosting and she put a border of leaves around the cake and in the center is a basket of spring flowers. I do not want to even know the sugar and calorie content of all this frosting…I just want to bask in the yumminess of it all.
So while I am eating large slices of cake and calling it dinner, I thought it was a good time to talk about the bad days I have. I put in an earlier blog post that I am feeling better and being happy about 75% of the time…today, I am going to talk about the 25%, which is not as bad as it used to be. In the beginning, wallowing in the misery, the depression and the worthlessness….it was 24/7 and I actually began to think that was a normal feeling….it was simply the way things would always be: overwhelming anger, crying jags wherever and whenever, sporadic showering and constant putdowns and comparisons that I gave myself. But enough healing has taken place that now, a bad day feels like it should: abnormal. There is nothing normal about feeling all discombobulated and angry and badly about yourself. YOU are supposed to be your biggest cheerleader, but all too often, we wind up being our worst critics. And to think a person who puts us in this state of mind through their words and/or actions is the love of our life and we will never find better? Utter lunacy and I think I am the biggest lunatic out there, right behind Sister Someone.
Really…let’s think about this: six years with a man who ran hot and cold with me the entire time. We shared secrets, fantasies, kinks and dysfunctions. I know where he lives and works, his birthday, his favorite food, his least favorite food, his favorite color, and so many other little things you know about a person you have a relationship with.. and the man never had the balls to stay nor did he have the guts to leave me or the relationship in an adult manner. He treated me (who can be a total basket case at times) with disrespect, disdain, disregard and as if I never existed once he fell for a woman who is and has all he said to anyone and everyone was NOT what he wanted….and she gets all that I never could. Yet, I spent the better part of a year wondering, crying and wailing why didn’t he want me. I would pray and beg and hope for him to return to me…and now I ask myself: FOR WHAT? Regardless of which side of the fence you are on (the man is a coward, totally oblivious or simply never cared)…him’s actions showed me treatments unheard of in an intimate relationship, unheard of in a friendship and completely unheard of when dealing with total basket cases who know where you live and work. It was an emotionally abusive relationship and with his mind games and mixed signals, may as well throw mentally abusive in there also…and I allowed it and kept returning for more.
This is why when I do miss him, when I do want him in all ways, when I want to pick up the phone and tell him it is okay and just come back to me…when I do wonder what the hell happened, why could he not see and appreciate…I do not linger long there. I learned some hard lessons and truths with this process and I have to face the fact that the present is not reconciling with the past…and what I was eventually shown by him is not what I want from a person I choose to share my heart and world with. This is why when I have a bad day and I am shouldering blame that is not mine…it now feels strange and weird. This is why when I get to commiserating with my Panel over what happened…I stop. Not that him has ever shown me grand gestures, but once upon a time him did show me caring and love. I felt protected, warm and safe with him and thought that we were worth fighting for, but that time has come and gone. What the man left me with, his legacy here in my heart…is not worth thinking about or crying over…and this is where the balancing act comes in.
Just because you are healing and moving on further away from a situation does not mean that the bad days go completely away or that the person is erased from your memory banks…things get better, not easier and while the bad days come further and further apart…they do come. And you all know me…I believe in acknowledging the feelings because they are valid. So I do remember, and I do indulge in a visit to the past…but I no longer indulge the pity. I remember what we had and what it evolved into, and when I realize I did the very best I could, that I hung in there to be the best possible helpmate and playmate to him….I no longer fall into the traps of what is it with me because it is not me. It really is him, and it is no reflection on me as a person or a woman what happened. Once you allow the tape to play all the way through, you will see that while you may have played a role in the breakup (either passive or active), really the only blame you should shoulder is that you put someone on a pedestal and ignored their feet of clay. It was their actions, their words and their mistreatments that precipitated your responses and reactions, not that you are crazy or less than, so stop beating up on yourself and taking the blame. After the glasses and blinders are removed, once it hits you that you have learned some hard lessons and faced the truth that lies behind the reality…once you realize these things, the balancing act gets easier and the bad days aren’t as bad as you thought and definitely do not last as long.
So, I am going to have to go now….I have a Sister Someone (FAIR WARNING) post to do and some laundry to wash but that is not the reason I am ending the post right now. Anyone remember me talking about Crazy Married Dude? If you do not know about him, click the link and read up on that loco mofo because I am reading a response to my mutually beneficial arrangement ad, and it is from that fucker. He writes (and I quote): “DC, I KNOW it’s you! I know that gorgeous complexion and that cleavage anywhere! Baby, you are so sweet and sexy and I love you and miss you so much. I think of you all day, every day. I know you need a stress reliever and I do too. I have met other women but they are not you. I have no money to pay you, but I have my love and a love like ours cannot have boundaries or price tags. Please come be with me again.” My only commentary to you guys is how much do you think this load of crap weighs? Definitely, I am not answering this and maybe if I am really quiet and still…he won’t know I even read it.
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