Wish List

I am still enjoying my lazy, carefree days before I return to the real world with the problems and drama that are just piling up outside the door. Well, more drama (NOT mine) than problems, but they can wait. Today, I was supposed to be domestic but I am not feeling that today…today, it is warm and sunny; I have music playing and Chef is making me laugh and I have a Friday night date with Girlfriend that is already putting smiles on my face. Today, I am still on vacation from life.

The other day I did a blog post about my favorite things….the day before, UTA did a post listing a few things on her bucket list, and she suggested I do my own bucket list. I said I would but I view bucket lists as a checklist of goals…what I have are wishes that I may (or may not) be able to make come true before I leave this earth. So I am going to put down my wish list…hopefully I can come up with five (UTA had 6 (!!) and it was only a partial list!) things that won’t sound too weird or far-fetched and have me looking for a fairy godmother to plead my case to.

A Wedding: I know, I know…I am the chick with the emotional damage, the validation issues, the baggage and a deep rooted fear of commitment and/or abandonment. But no one said anything about marriage…my views on that are so far out there, I may be the only one who gets it. I want a wedding. I want to be a bride…wear the white dress, be made over so wonderfully I do not even recognize myself…receive gifts, have my picture taken constantly, dance, eat scrumptious, overly priced catered food and have attention lavished on me for the entire day. To have a man look me in my eyes and tell me I am his one and only forever and ever…we will worry about the whole marriage thing 24 hours later. For that one day, I want to be a bride…a beautiful bride with hopes and dreams and expectations….and really, aren’t women only a bride for that one day? The next day, you become a wife and being a wife isn’t in my plan at all (some may argue I was a wife to the last two boyfriends, but that is a post for another day)  unless we can maintain separate residences. I realize I am asking for a contradiction, a conundrum and pretty much am not making sense…but it makes sense to me and those who know me.

Travel: There is so much more to this world than Washington, DC…and I have not even seen all of that yet, and I live here. I have always wanted to know what it would be like to live in different places, and I want to travel. I want to be the chick running through the airport rushing to make a connection, using up frequent flier miles. I want to go to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower and the Mona Lisa; I want to go to Italy to see the Sistine Chapel, the Vatican and the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I want to go to India to see the Taj Mahal (it is in India, right?). I want to go to Fiji, return to Cozumel and St. Thomas…I want to go to Jamaica. I forget why I want to go to London other than they actually speak English over there, and how could I forget the trip to Indonesia with UTA we are so planning as soon as we get stable jobs that actually pay a salary. And I want to see all 50 states here in the US…a bus  or train trip would be ideal so I could actually SEE America versus flying over it….yeah, I want to be the chick with all the cheesy pics standing next to random signs, totem poles and incredibly huge tumbleweeds.

Live in a Trailer Park: Yes, I said it….a trailer park. I want to experience dysfunctional Americana and have strange neighbors such as Miss Delores who walks around in a pink quilted robe and pink foam curlers in her hair. She would have crimson lipstick, chipped nail polish, a cigarette with ash an inch long hanging from her lips and dirty white bunny slippers..complete with ears. There would be bachelor brothers who are alcoholic bikers with bald heads and Harleys who work on broken down, rusted out cars all day, and the single mom with 3 kids who are always snotty nosed and dirty cheeked.

See a Parade: I have never seen a parade up close and personal…I am thinking I want a small town parade with the high school marching band, cheerleaders and Uncle Sam on stilts. I can wave a flag in one hand showing my patriotism while eating the ice cream cone I am holding in the other hand. There would be a bake sale and lemonade and anything else that is part of a small town celebration. I would even wear my jeans.

Publish a Book: I want to be a published author…it would be awesome if the book actually sold and garnered me some income and a little recognition…but not necessary. To see my name on the dust jacket of a published book/novel would be the ultimate high for me.

And there you have it…the Top 5 on my wish list…probably the only 5 on my wish list, but hey…time will tell. And now that I look it over…all except #1 are very much within my control and quite doable….all I need is patience, faith and money. What about you, readers? Feel free to share anything on your wish list/bucket list…I would love to know. Now, I have to go before all this damned drama I have been ignoring since Friday evening breaks down the damned door…obviously, this vacation is over and I will be back sooner than later to share what is going on with you.

Enjoy your day!




Lazy Days

Hi, Readers! Not a lot to say in this post…it is just that I had a great weekend and thought I would share. I share about the bad days, the drama, the gossip  and all the in-between things…why not share the good times? And no, there were no dates, my financial obligations to federal and local governments has not disappeared, I have not found love, I have no unbelievably great job offer…pretty much the situation remains the same on all fronts. It is just that I decided that the best thing I could do with the things that are within my control are to keep them under control and that is what I did.

The weekend started with the lamest Friday night in the history of single girls who live in the  “big” city….I came home from work, ate a leftover pot roast sandwich and climbed in bed. No phone calls, no solo date night, no ordering of Chinese…hell, I did not even do my hair. I was tired and all I wanted was my bed….which is exactly what I did. I fell asleep while watching a TV show (couldn’t even tell you which one), had a dreamless night and woke up bright and early on Saturday morning.

Saturday I thought would be hectic…it was SHARE day, and here I am going off on a tangent: SHARE is a volunteer program which offers discounted groceries to various communities (the link I offered is for the DC area). If you, or someone you know, is in need of their services, feel free to find out more. So it was SHARE day and after putting my groceries away, I had to get ready for Picture Day! I had a Living Social coupon for a free photo session and a set of free prints which I offered to share with my sister. Outings with my sister are a toss-up…she can be so particular and meticulous and yes…controlling, I figured I would need plenty of aspirin and sedatives to make it through the outing with her, but I didn’t. We talked, we laughed and I even got a little shopping in….picked up some pantyhose and a couple pieces of  costume jewelry that I found to be absolutely to-die-for and ignored Sis-Sis telling me I had no money to spend.

The photo shoot was a lot of fun…we confused the photographer when she asked who was the older sister…we both pointed at the other and said at the time: she is. The pictures came out great and I have to laugh at this…I showed not one tooth (how could I?) and my sister showed ALL of hers. We chose the image for the free prints and ended up purchasing a CD with all the images (how a free photo session ended up costing $75 (price of the CD) we will never know) and then went to lunch. Service was pretty slow and the food wasn’t as great as we thought it would be, but it was time spent with my sister without a lot of fussing and fighting…and I enjoyed that. Afterwards, I went to the neighborhood market and picked up some items to supplement my SHARE groceries and relaxed the rest of the day. Laid around watching movies, talked on the phone and emailed with the Panel. Saturday night I took some medication (I am prescribed a pill that is a serious multi-tasker: muscle relaxant, pain pill, sleeping aid and anti-depressant all in one) to help relieve my muscles which were feeling like hardened pieces of concrete and slept pretty much all the way through Sunday.

I did surface long enough on Sunday to send Cuz birthday wishes and eat something before sleeping again. I woke up in time for Once Upon a Time and to turn down two mutually beneficial date offers. I simply was not in the mood to disturb my lazy weekend….for anyone or for any reason. For  2 ½ days, I had no problems, no questions….just calm and peace. I plan to extend that by another 3 days…I took time off from the temp assignment (they want me through the end of February) to go to the dental clinic, clean my house and just enjoy time with myself, by myself. The problems, the drama, the control issues…they will all be there when I emerge from my cocoon of the right here, right now…and here is hoping I maintain enough of this calm, peace and tranquility to realize what is within my control, what isn’t and what needs to be swallowed with a spoonful of sugar.

As always, thanks for stopping by and check back soon as I have posts coming with updates on Oscar and Sister Someone and other topics I have swirling around in my head. Enjoy your day!


(A Few of) My Favorite Things

Who KNEW it would take forever and a day to publish this post? To be fair, there has been a lot going on: teeth falling out, tax fiascos, shedding myself of the crush (he is simply not interested…even a little bit), other blog posts and working the temp assignment. I would have to say the temp assignment has been the biggest obstacle and the main reason for that is the fact that even though I have tons of free time, I need to be comfortable when I blog…not that I am the Naked Blogger or anything like that, but I flourish better in a comfortable and relaxed environment and one simply cannot get but so comfortable in an office setting. Another thing that has been happening  is what I like to call “behind the blogs”…so much goes on with me and the Panel (that is NOT for publication) and in true Panel fashion…it is several of us at the same time having break downs, meltdowns and arguments.

But, at long last…here is the list of things I like and like a lot..some of them I may even be in love with…and since I seem to like/love them all equally, they are in no particular order.

Smoking: I have been a smoker for over 27 years…I joke around and say if you cut me, I will bleed nicotine.. I have been through lots of brands: Benson & Hedges, KOOL, Salem, Virginia Slims, Dunhill…but have been a faithful Newport smoker for at least 10 years. Yes, I prefer menthol…and 100s…and they HAVE to be in the box. I think smoking is cool and sexy…I know society disagrees with me, but I have been thumbing my nose at society for years. For me…smoking makes a great thing better: sex, sleeping in, a good meal…all  are better when topped off with a cigarette. I smoke in my house (I pay too much money in rent and for the cigarettes to NOT enjoy then in comfort) but I do try to be a respectful smoker. However, I may be slowing my roll here…I am huffing and puffing because of my at least a pack  and a half a day habit and have purchased an electronic cigarette kit. I will be keeping you updated on my progress with that.

Spaghetti: I am a BBW…did you really think at least one food item would not make the list? Anyone remember when I blogged about pizza being the ultimate and most versatile in comfort food? I take it back…spaghetti is …and it is simply my most favorite food ever. I could eat it every day and not get tired of it. I like it with onions, green peppers, ground beef or spicy Italian sausage (when I am especially greedy, I put both in), mushrooms and tomatoes. Sometimes I will switch it up a little and bake it with mozzarella cheese mixed in. Close seconds in the food department would be 5 Guys cheeseburgers, club sandwiches, chili, chicken tenders and Belgian waffles.

Sleeping In/Napping: I am a fan of sleep…I may be their #1 fan. Sleeping in is the best thing…ever. I am trying to think of  better feeling than being on your own schedule and able to sleep straight through with no ringing alarm clock to disturb you. Or to have a lazy day with no agenda, a clean house and clean laundry (or maybe not…your choice) and in the middle of the day, deciding a nap is in order to keep up your strength for all the nothingness you are in indulging in. I am finding single folks can indulge in the sleeping in/napping more so than the married folks and/or parents…never fear, I am here to carry your share of such bliss until you can carry your own weight with this.

Massages: I may have just found the beyond best best  thing….my muscles are always tight, tense and feel like slabs of concrete. My calves are so tight and taut, I am asked all the time if I am a runner and my neck….the tension I carry there has me wondering if my head is too big or too hard and heavy for my body.  A pair of firm, hard hands kneading deep into me and my muscles…squeezing tension and tightness out of my body. Sometimes, if they are done in just the right way and done long enough, I want to say massages are better than orgasms. I swear, if I could find a masseuse who massages by the day instead of the hour, I would rob banks to see them and offer them marriage and sexual favors beyond their wildest dreams. Yeah, I am in love with massages.

Chocolate: It can be candy bars, pudding, ice cream, cakes, cookies, brownies…if it is chocolate, I am there and I am eating it. I could eat it on a train or in the rain. I could eat it in bed and while attempting to stand on my head. All Dr. Seuss homages aside….chocolate is this chick’s emergency best friend: it is available 24/7, lives in no particular time zone and will help make everything better…almost immediately.

Television: I have always been one who could take it or leave it when it came to television…a couple of shows here and there over the years caught my attention but somehow…I drifted away. Either they got yanked or I lost interest and with On Demand and DVR…who needs to be juggling schedules to catch a show? I DO, I DO…here are the shows I find I HAVE to be there for when they air (fresh off the presses) because who knows what I will miss:  Homeland, Once Upon A Time (the Evil Queen is awesome but realistically how long can the show last?), Desperate Housewives (although Susan and Lynette can pack up and move), Grey’s Anatomy (I have been hooked since Day 1 and I am so blogging about Meredith Grey),  Body of Proof, Suits  and Big Brother. I love Big Brother so much I will lose weight to become a houseguest and participate in all the crazy, physically draining competitions.

Karma in Action: I am a firm believer in karma…you are given blessings to be a blessing to others and what goes around comes around. So when you are doing the right things by yourself and others and all you are getting is the shit end of the stick, it is best to leave well enough alone (can you believe I said that?) and if you are fortunate enough, you will be around to see the ones who did you wrong get their comeuppance.  Really, there is a difference in knowing it will happen and actually getting confirmation that it has. And via my version of a Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy-like network, I have heard verified news that the Craziest Bitch in America has been fired from her high paying, supervisory position (in which she subjugated folks to 20 different types of hell)…that’s right, she was the one packing up boxes and being escorted out the door. I could not believe it when I heard it: I sent an email to her work address and called her office phone…in less than 24 hours, her voicemail had been erased, the extension transferred to someone else and her email disabled. I am NOT gloating over this, but the only thing that would make this turn of events any better is if her next supervisor is as crazy as she is. Seriously, this chick ranks right up there with Him/BTH and online dating with the Who DOES that/Who SAYS that crowd.

Reading: I have always loved to read and since I was a child, mysteries have been my absolute favorites: Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Bobbsey Twins and when I wasn’t reading about mysteries, I was watching my favorite cartoon, Scooby Doo, the mystery solving canine. To this day, my must reads include murder mysteries (Lisa Scottoline, Harlan Coben, Sue Grafton, Lisa Gardner and Jonathan Kellerman come to mind first), true crime stories (truth is stranger than fiction), some Jackie Collins (a girl needs juicy, trashy novels once in awhile), Carl Hiaasen (he mixes humor and mystery) and Archie comics. Since I started blogging I have slowed down on my reading (was reading a book a week) but am almost finished a book called Deadly Harvest and am anxious to start on The Kitchen House, a suspenseful drama  (according to Amazon) set in the South during slavery days.

Loco Rico: You know that one person who can just make you feel like a million bucks when you are feeling like rock bottom buried under fifty feet of crap? That’s Loco Rico…I am never fat, old or tired to him. To Loco, I am not a bitch or a victim…he takes the most negative of situations and always, always, always manages to find the positive in it. Everyone needs a Loco Rico in their life.

Rainy/Snowy Days: These work best with sleeping in/napping, reading, television, chocolate and for me…weekends. I love the sound of the rain falling and/or watching the snowfall while I am all warm, cozy and sheltered. The only caveat with this favorite thing is that it is only a favorite thing when I do not have to be outdoors in it.

Music: I have blogged about music…several times. It is simply the one thing that truly speaks to me…whether it is remixed or acoustic, vocal or instrumental….music can transport me, lift my spirits and even feed the depression and despair. I am a music junkie and not even a discriminating one at that: genre, artist, mainstream or independent…none of that matters. I like to say I listen to the best music no one has ever heard of: Beth Orton, The Faunts, Shinju Gumi, Benoit & Sergio, Alucidnation, The Boxer Rebellion, Jose Gonzalez, Annie Lennox, Al Green, Etta James (All I Could Do Was Cry was SO me), R. Kelly, Sara Evans, Death Cab for Cutie, Annie Lennox, Joy Division…these and so many more are part of my music collection. What can I say…I love music.

So there you have it…a few of my favorite things. We will definitely be doing more lists of both likes and dislikes because there are so many things I left off of both. Are any of my favorites your favorites? How would your list of favorites read? As usual, thanks for stopping by and as always…enjoy your day!


I am so angry I cannot see straight…I am so pissed I could eat matches and shit fire. You guys know me, right?  I am easy to please and do not require a lot. REALLY, I don’t….just leave me be and I will leave you be. Let me reap the rewards of good karma and doing the right thing once in awhile and I’m happy. Yet, every time things seem to be at a place where I can take a deep breath and enjoy my right here, right now…shit happens. And no, I am not talking about the childish bullshit being thrown and slung in the Him/BTH corner…I am talking about the crap that makes you sit down and try to figure out how to make someone famous in a not good way that manages to land you on the 11 o’clock news.

Today, I am sitting in the Classroom of Life listening to Alexander Daf and trying to wrap my head around a lesson that it has just hit me with. It would appear I need to just throw in the towel when it comes to men and emotional attachments as I seem to be attracted to men who will  either  trample my heart or dig all up in my pockets once we leave the bedroom and Married Man is the one man who has managed to do both. The lesson here: NEVER….NEVER…and especially NEVER if you are no longer having sex with them…let your ex-boyfriend do your freaking taxes. I have said before I am tired of being re-set financially….I need a jump start; re-sets only put you back in the game. Jumpstarts put you ahead of the game and I need the jumpstart because I am the chick who somehow manages to have everything working in my favor and who does everything right…and still I lose. But lately, I have been content with the re-sets….things are on track and I am staying on top of things…hell, even the unemployment fiasco is over.

Then I got the letter from the IRS stating I owed them $2,108 for the 2009 tax blunder Married Man caused…and I was not pissed then. I was too caught up in some stupid, does-it-even-matter now drama with Him/BTH (maybe I will start calling them him/her)….I simply said they were right, I was wrong and signed up for the payment plan. Except the IRS wants what you owe them PLUS some. The way my payment plan was designed, it was if I never paid them …and given I now owe them $2,255 AFTER payments, I am wondering where my dollars are going. Minimum payment of $36 compounded by interest of $25 and penalties of almost $40…PER MONTH…and it is as if I paid them total nothing. But hey, they will take what they are due out of my tax refund this year and I will still have state taxes to put towards something that I know will inevitably require a jumpstart. So far, sounding great, right? Life on life’s terms…practicing acceptance and responsibility…then comes the letter from DC’s Office of Tax and Revenue…and I KNEW it was not going to be good. DC says I owe them $558 from 2009 also, but it never dawned on me that they wanted taxes for the same 401K blunder and I was calling their office, getting angry and frustrated but I will say this…when I did receive a return call form the agency, the worker was very calm, very nice and he understood that I needed to understand.

So now I am so pissed at both myself for not realizing that the 401K was the reason DC wanted (I think the word I am looking for here is “required”) more taxes from me and more so at Married Man for putting me in this position. I freely admit, there are some things I will never understand in life and taxes is one of them. I would like to think I can trust the people in my life but obviously I cannot and do not get me wrong here. I am not saying that Married Man deliberately fucked over my dollars (although I made sure to give him all the paperwork concerning the 401K)….but the fact that he disappeared when I asked him to help me rectify the situation, the fact that he prepared my taxes as myself versus putting himself down as the tax preparer…THAT is what is deliberate and why I can no longer trust him. At all. With anything. Ever.

Married Man is the reason I am now in debt to tax agencies to the tune of $2,850 and trust me…I want to kick his ass, make him pay, put bullets in his brain. I want accountability and repayment from that man….but I also know I will never get it from him. The man is irresponsible (7 kids by 4 different women, none of whom are his wife), cowardly and a complete all around dickwad. Married Man is a sonofabitch. Son.Of.A.Bitch. Point blank, period and if I NEVER see him or hear from him in this lifetime…I will not be sad. I am TIRED…so incredibly TIRED of having to deal with fall out, aftershocks and still having to clean up behind other people’s shit in my life. I REALLY am….and it seems as if I am the one always paying for this crap…they sure aren’t. Married Man isn’t thinking about coming out of pocket for a damned thing  regarding the tax fiasco over here, and because he hid behind me…. legally, he doesn’t have to.

There are other little things that are not such big things taken by themselves but since I am having BitchFest 2012 (Part I) today, I am throwing them in the mix also. The temp assignment: I am ready to call it off. I am completely under-utilized here for starters. I come to them with 8 years of progressive administrative experience (I was assistant to department heads and Judges for crying out loud); I have writing skills and with this blog..writing experience. However, I climb out of my bed in the mornings to trudge downtown to do such exciting things as feed frogs, recycle newspapers and load/unload the dishwasher. I was actually told: “the kitchen is never cleaner than when you are here.” I am quite sure dude meant no harm whatsoever…hey, he is letting me know he notices the job I am doing…but who the hell wants to put great kitchen cleaner on their resume? Secondly, the pay…which is not an issue to take up with them…I need to take it up with the temp agency and I already know all they will do is hem and haw and not do anything. So, the way it is shaping up at this point…I only make $100 more a week working 40 hours than I do sitting on my ass and filing an unemployment claim. Out of this extra $100 comes transportation and lunch costs….the way I am figuring, I can stay home, file a claim and set up a mutually beneficial date or two a week and end up with as much (and maybe more) per week without having to leave my house.

The last thing I want to vent about isn’t even a valid rant…unless I plan on changing who I am and I don’t. I am walking around talking, laughing, smiling and just being social and all those good things people are supposed to be and do…with a missing front tooth. Granted, as Cuz put it: it ain’t right, but it’s not as wrong as I think it is…it is still a gaping hole in my mouth and I act like there isn’t. I catch myself after the fact, but by then it’s too late…people have seen me in full, missing tooth glory. And maybe I am the only person to whom it matters, or who even notices…either the people I am working with are too polite to say anything or they are thinking it has to be better than seeing me trying to work around the tooth. Strangers don’t know what I looked like with a tooth there and the Panel said it best…it is all in how I handle it and I am choosing to handle it as if it never happened…until I catch myself.

Okay, done bitching…returning to work on the most interrupted blog post in the history of my blogging (really, how hard can it be to write out and post about your favorite things?) and figure out what to do for dinner since Mini-Me has cancelled on me. Thanks for listening/reading, thanks for letting me share and enjoy what’s left of the day!


I am sitting up here looking at my closet…I have two closets. A walk in one that holds pretty much everything including shoes, clothes, linens, toiletries, and other household items  and my front closet that holds coats, suitcases and clothing overflow. I am looking at the front closet and I see Christmas gifts that still have to be distributed. The gifts are for Girlfriend, Quiet One and Artsy Craftsy…which means a Date Night and a trip to the Island are in order.

You guys know I am mixed about the Island…him is there and I still have questions, but also a new perspective and while I want to see him through this new perspective, I think the questions will pop up and everything will just be crappy. Of course, I am more than likely building all this up in my mind and a trip now will be like the previous 3 trips…we will never even lay eyes on each other….but I want to see him and this is for two reasons. First, ever since he left me, all I have ever wanted was to see him. Have him look me in my eyes knowing we both know what has happened. Him does not need to speak a word…just look me in my eyes. The second reason is the wondering and speculation that is still going on. I alluded to some of my wonderings in 515 Days and there are so many others I worry myself and the Panel with even now. Does him miss me, does him think about me, do we still have out chemistry? So yes, I  want to see the changes in him (he cannot see the changes in me…specifically, the missing tooth), I want to know whether the changes are superficial or do they go all the way through…I want to know if him misses me, if I can still make him smile, if him will still talk to me in the way only him can, if the chemistry is still there. …

Yes, I am done with the current situation, yes, the door is closed and no, I am not hoping for nor angling for a reconciliation. I have almost made peace with the situation…but still, I have the questions and it seems others also have them. Maybe not the same ones, but along the same lines. And after talks with friends and Panel members…after some alone time….I may even have some answers. I have to put this disclaimer in here: these answers are my opinions born of my experiences and my process. They are not “true” answers as all I am working with are the facts of what happened and my side of the story; as objective as I try to remain throughout this process, I am still just a little biased. The conclusions I have drawn give me comfort and help me to keep it moving as I am dead serious about 2012 being the year the wondering and speculation ends, and maybe with some more closure (of sorts), I won’t even want to see him.

Below are the questions I have asked myself over and over again (and one that I hear from Oscar all the time)….the ones I say have no answers, but Chef told me long ago…I do have the answers. I just need to slow down and figure out how to unlock them. So after some processing, some progressing and huge doses of truthfulness…after lessons learned and sometime in the Classroom of Life where lessons are still being taught: here are my answers to the questions. Please note some questions have more than one answer.

Why did he treat me this way/do this to me/leave me like this?: Only the person who put you in this position can answer that question. Perhaps the inadequacy issues were too much to try and overcome to be with you; perhaps they are simply cowards who cannot face the consequences of their actions; maybe, they want to pawn the blame off on someone else and facing you would make them responsible and accountable. Who knows…all I know is that with my relationship…somewhere along the line, I allowed him to treat me in this manner before and since I overlooked or forgave it before, him thought it would be cool to do it again. Forget the fact he made all these promises, forget our history…I allowed him to trample my heart before so what is the big deal if he did it once again? Just take it as a lesson (if he is stupid enough to leave, let him go) and chalk it up to the game. Easier said than done but know that it beats spinning your wheels trying to figure out what it is with you.

What did I do wrong?: Nine times out of ten, you did nothing except pour full-time efforts into what had turned into a part-time project. Unhealthy people in love tend to put their partners on a pedestal and ignore the feet of clay because unhealthy folks are COVERED in clay and feel that anyone who finds something worthy and lovable in us to be all these wonderful things. I said it before and I will say it again: like attracts like and unhealthy has a special radar…so if you are attracted to me and find me to have my shit together…you are more fucked up than me. And I just cannot be the most put together person in a relationship…I need strength and guidance and someone to help me free myself of my thought patterns and behaviors, not feed them. One thing I have found out with me…relationships are more than give and take…they are actions and reactions and I could certainly benefit by learning to respond to actions versus reacting to them. I tend to not say a word about things that are not going well for me until the situation is at a point of no return. Going forth, if things are not what I want/need  them to be….I am going to communicate and address the issue(s) properly, not go off all willy-nilly and take my own course of action that may end up hurting me and my partner even further.

Why is he still with her?: I don’t know…only they can answer that question. Sometimes, the answer is the most obvious one: they truly are happy with that person. I know, that is a bitter pill to swallow: they aren’t as pretty, aren’t as intelligent, he never wanted a woman like that…but we are on the outside looking in at surface stuff. In all honesty, we do not know what she is like or what she brings out in them and maybe, they really have found happiness without us. The other answer is they are dumber than two boxes of rocks, more fucked up than anyone can imagine and you really are better off without them.

How do I move on when he is still a part of my life?: This is a tough one because I have never had to see an ex once it was over and done unless I wanted to. But some people have children with their exes, they work together, they had a marriage together…how can the ex not be a part of your life? My first suggestion would be to operate through third parties if possible…you will never heal the hurt if you are constantly running to the source of the pain. My second suggestion would be time and the process. Both will help you heal and see things in an objective light….you will be able to see them and run the tape all the way through with the combination of time and processing and it will no longer be why? It will be more along the lines of what in the world was I thinking? It won’t happen overnight but eventually if you leave things alone and let Universe and the Process do what it needs to do…you will find yourself if not moving on to another, moving on past the ex.

Would’ves, Could’ves, Should’ves: We all have them…UTA refers to them as bumps in the road…Morning Person calls them bad days. You know the times when all you can do is remember the good times and how perfect, right and wonderful you were together? When you two had a future and it was filled with hope, promise and a happily ever after and all you can do is cry and wonder why you two couldn’t make it work. First suggestion: get a grip on yourself. More often than not, the past was not as great as you imagined it was and for at least one of you…the love wasn’t strong enough and the hurt was too damaging. Trust me on this: no one ever breaks up over the first argument, or the second or the third. At some point, you two became strangers and you didn’t get the memo. Second suggestion: for me, I find I am mourning more what could have been if we had stayed on the track we were on when we parted (we had just reconciled and were making all these plans to do things differently), but when I look at it (even through the tears)…how long would we have stayed on that track? Him has this uncanny (but not unique) knack of treating me with a blend of deep caring and complete indifference and somewhere along the line, he would have broken my heart yet again. Just take the bad days as they come, know that things happen for a reason and in due time all will be revealed .

Why did it have to end?: Two things: first, for everything there is a season. Second, all love stories are tragedies…tell me, are Romeo and Juliet remembered for their happily ever after? For myself, I have come to the conclusion that him and I got together for me to teach him that him is not only capable of receiving a  somewhat healthy, unconditional love., the man is worthy of it. I treated him with respect and  kindness and the man himself has said I treat him unlike any other woman before. I want to say I helped the man learn to love himself, flaws and all. Lofty, I grant you but if people are sent to us for reasons, seasons and to teach us lessons…can’t we be the same thing to others? Him and I got together, I gave him what him needed, him learned his lesson and just maybe…him is now passing the lessons on to another who needs it. Of course, there are other answers to this question also: who did he date before you? You may be the exception and not the rule here. Perhaps what you two shared, he was incapable of sustaining for the long term or you were settling and there is something so much more waiting for you once you get your act together.

Will he ever come back to me?: In the beginning, that is ALL I WANTED was for him to return. And if I am going to be truthful here, it took me forever and a day to realize he had left. All I knew was that there was another woman in the picture and this chick was going to be a game changer. Once I let reality in enough to clear the cobwebs of delusion and denial, I wanted to cry, kill and die…and for him to come back to me. Today…I do want to see him, and I am frustrated him has not returned (still some validation issues going on there); I am no psychic and no one can tell what the future holds but I counter that question with one of my own: WHY do I want him back? Face it, him was a better boss than boyfriend (if I would rather work for you again before I sleep with you again…there is a problem) and when I look at his endgame…how he chose to leave me and leave things between us…do I honestly and actually want someone in my life who cannot give me respectful and decent treatment? Do I want a man who after 6 years of knowing me in all ways says he feels that he did not owe me an explanation for lying to me, leading me on and abandoning me? If I answer yes, I need to pack my bags and return to Square One, Day One of the process. Yes, I know I said him is the one who could get a thousand second chances, but there was fine print: him had to return before the process finished working on me and here is another caveat: him has to have undergone his own process, and I mean that one. I need to see change in action and unless him has processed something, I won’t see it.  HOW many of us have had an ex return saying how sorry they were, they see their mistake now and they have changed? How many of us have seen the reason they are the ex surface within 30 days? I am not going through that again with this guy…I went through this with him before and Married Man before that. I am not the sharpest tool in the shed but I do know a thing or two. I know I am better off with no return or reconciliation if the end results will be the same. I was once asked how many times can the same person break your heart…my response is as many times as you allow them to.

So these are the answers I have found for myself and my situation…you are welcome to borrow them until you find your own answers if you need to. I know some of you have marriages that are ending, situations so complicated, the word complicated does it no justice and if you all have found your answers or can offer another point of view…I welcome your comments or inbox discussions. Okay, so now that I am done thinking I am Oprah, it is time for me to thank you for stopping by, encourage you to come back soon (My Favorite Things is on the way) and as always…enjoy your day!


Sweet Tooth

Disclaimer: Read whatever allegories and connections into this  you want, but know I am only referring to the tooth in this missive.

I interrupt your regularly scheduled, previously promised blog post to bring sad news: my front tooth has finally fallen out. Despite all the posts where I told people that the tooth was in need of attention; despite the tooth becoming both a distraction and a disruption; despite me looking like Nanny McPhee….I am saddened by its loss.

The end was not a surprise…I was telling folks a full 36 hours before that I was in the final hours of living with two front teeth. The tooth hung a full 2 inches lower than the rest of the other teeth and if I pushed it from behind with my tongue…it ran east to west with ease and no pain. How the end came about was the surprise: my tooth, which had been with me over 40 years and had been holding on for who knows how long, was brought down by a forkful of mashed potatoes. It is at this point I am to tell you it fell out while having wild, animalistic sex with Loco Rico…he thinks it will make for a better story this way. Trust me, it was a forkful of mashed potatoes.

 I was having dinner with Loco Rico (he had come over to vent and spend time with someone who would at least make him laugh and forget the week from hell) so the tooth and I were not alone at the end. Not 10 minutes earlier Loco was telling me that yeah, the tooth had me looking weird. Listening to him talk about his job, I took a forkful of mashed potatoes and just.like.that….the tooth slid out of its socket. I immediately jumped up, telling Loco that the tooth was out. I managed not to swallow it but I needed warm salt water and hydrogen peroxide soaked cotton balls. It was an emergency I was prepared for and went around gathering things I needed to stem the flow of blood and stave off the ensuing pain.

 Except there was no blood, there was no pain…..just a tooth in my hand and an empty space where a tooth had just sat in my mouth. I am highly upset on a purely cosmetic level here: I look like Leon Spinks in drag. The tooth (it was my top right front tooth) had always been a source of conflict to me…it did its job in that it provided me with two front teeth but it never would fully align with the left front tooth, so I lived my life with a gap in my teeth. I had always been self conscious of the gap and envied folks with straight, even, no-gaps in between them teeth. Now, I would give anything to have that tooth back, gap and all. There is a lesson in there somewhere.

I kind of blame myself for the demise of the tooth…I knew I needed a dentist and long before the tooth got loose. I dragged this mouth with me through addiction and have even been diagnosed with periodontal disease (which takes your teeth if left untreated) and at least 80% bone loss in my gums. I know I need help and treatment for the remaining 26 semi-healthy teeth left (I actually have 27 teeth left, but that back molar is really iffy), but the dentist scares me on two levels: first, the pain factor. The dentist has needles and drills and long, sharp scrapers…I even endured a process called jack-hammering…the name alone was enough to make me pass out. I am NOT GOOD with pain (as if I am good with looking as if the Lincoln Tunnel has set up a satellite passage in my mouth) and secondly…the cost. Dentists want an arm, a leg and three of your firstborns as down payments before any work can be done, and 4 years ago before the tooth fell out, the total cost of fixing my mouth was going to cost $13,000. Factor in inflation and at the very least a partial bridge and what are we looking at now? I am willing to wager a year’s salary.

But I have been placed in a position where I have to take control of the dental issues and turn the tide of the this process…first, I have to learn to be comfortable with the consequences of my choices. That’s right…me and this big gaping hole will have to learn to get along for an indefinite amount of time. I am going to make an appointment first thing Monday morning to have an assessment done on the remainder of my mouth and see what else needs to come out; review my options so I am not finishing out my above-ground years as Snaggletooth. I know it will involves things such as deep root scaling, re-alignment and perhaps bone implants….all sounds painful and expensive but it has to be done.

So I leave you now to go look at my now horrible smile (I am told it cannot be as bad as I say it is, but really…when you are used to having a top front tooth for basically all your life and then it’s gone…yeah, it is that bad) and try to comfort myself with the fact that it could have been all my teeth falling out leaving me with only that one. I will fold laundry, write a couple of more blog posts and make sure I am flawless to face the world tomorrow (no hiding away from the world this time around). Also, figure out where in the hell that tooth fairy is…I got a big old tooth here that should be netting me big dollars. As always, thanks for stopping by, come back soon and enjoy your day!

The Post With No Title

This post is going to be a mess. A complete hodgepodge that may or may not have rhyme and/or reason. It is supposed to be the post about things I do like but I am not in the mood for that. I have been feeling ambivalent emotionally (see my previous blog post)  and a little restless and at loose ends. I am blaming it on being hormonal which could be a huge factor, but also I am thinking the process is preparing me for another transition. I am not sad or depressed or angry…I just feel “lost”.  So I am listening to some really chill music like Tibet: (A Passage To) by David Visan, Love on a Real Train by Tangerine Dream and Coastal Brake by Tycho….I feel as if I am floating and there are no words, no thoughts….just me and the music.

I guess I will start by giving you guys the quickest updates ever on my Panel….not a lot to say as two members have apparently decided to set up their own camp elsewhere. New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy have been MIA for who knows HOW long and have taken KBugg with them. Probably have their own panel where they do arts and crafts in between working and Baby Gymboree classes. Buddy has lost another job; Cuz, Oscar and I have kissed and made up and they both say they aren’t going anywhere…who would understand them? Morning Person has stated twice (and I kid you not) that she has “forgotten all about me” so I was not getting morning wake up calls. They resumed when I told her she can go join Sister Someone (whom I have not talked to since the dinner incident) in the corner, but I know Morning Person isn’t going anywhere and she is the ONLY person who can say that and get away with it. UTA is being herself…funny, upbeat and trying to reign me in over the Dude I am in Lust With (who doesn’t have a girlfriend and not as crazy as we originally thought) while keeping it together (seriously, she is stronger than she gives herself credit for), Tiger has been keeping me laughing and smiling with chat topics ranging from frog sex to yoga lessons; Guardian Princess made carrot cake cupcakes and offered me NONE of them and everyone else has been scattered but in touch. Chef is still on the fence about his potential new lady friend, Quiet One sent me a piece of Him/BTH gossip (BTH has declared herself the CEO of being beautiful and stated it is a full-time job) that has everyone either laughing like hyenas or speechless…UTA is shocked as last she heard, SHE was the CEO of being beautiful. Girlfriend is slightly MIA but she is busy with life, work and house hunting; Policeman took a mini vay-cay to New Orleans and Mini-Me, Busy Bee and Weekend Phone Friend have all been working. Fun One and Bell Pepper have been acting “funny” and I am not in the mood to find out why and Queen Bee and I are going to do IHOP really soon…I need more pancakes.

See? Quickest update ever….as for myself….I have no idea what is going on with me. I am being truthful and revealing things and I don’t want to be splayed open like this. I want to have my shit together, I want you to think I have my shit together but lately, it is like all I want is a big old bowl of Him, but I no longer have a taste for Him..if that makes any sense at all. Seriously, I had lunch with a couple of girlfriends recently and they told me how great I looked and I had lost weight (whatever) and how fantastic I looked. I told them I felt like I  was unfulfilled and they were like…get a new hobby, try walking, a new career direction and I was like: I need me some Him. They laughed but I knew what I was talking about and I can finally accept Quiet One’s statement that maybe I don’t miss him per se, but the good parts of a relationship: talking and laughing with someone I care about and who cares about me, the stability that comes when you know that you are the only one and they like it that way, stolen kisses, holding hands in comfortable silence, snuggled up watching TV….you know…all the stuff that happens before the crappy ending.

Except I cannot embark on any of that yet…I am not ready and I know I’m not. I am ready to begin a relationship with a stranger over a hug. NOT a sign of a person ready for anything that involves body parts being exposed with no money being exchanged…and even the mutually beneficial dates may be backfiring on me. Remember the good sex I had? Well, dude has been back to see me…he is kind of a regular at this point and people….we are cuddling. AND talking…before and afterwards. Not good for what is supposed to be the ultimate NSA arrangement. I have another client who is  unemployed….I am temping an assignment. He wants to see me again and I am hesitant to do so because I am feeling badly that I am at least temping short term and he is not and seeing me could be a hardship for him. Since WHEN is that my problem?? He knows the rules, I made the rules so if he wants to see me, he knows what he needs to bring with him and can obviously afford it.

Maybe I am beginning to break free of the armor that is protecting my emotions…maybe I am starved for affection. I have no idea….all I know is when I come home in the evenings, it would be nice to have someone to call up and talk to; it would be nice to have positive male attention when I am eating a meal out. A guy to catch a new movie and share popcorn with  would be nice…and at night, sometimes…I long for a pair of strong arms wrapped around me while I listen to their breathing as we fall asleep. But…this time around, I want to receive what I am always giving…I want to be the one who is looked at adoringly even when I look like crap, I want to be the one who loves the least (sounds horrible but being the one who loves the most is not the best position to be in), I want a cheerleader and support system, not be one. I want vacations and flowers for no reason. And allowing the armor to fall completely off now will not get me that result.

So I hold on, feel restless and lost and listen to my music. I will go to the temp assignment, plan dinners with friends and figure out when I am going to use my move gift card (it’s like free movie and popcorn…can’t use it on any old movie). Trust me, I am not sad or negative or anything of that sort…I am learning myself and what I need and want. I am simply letting go and backing off while the Process and the Universe do what they need to do. I am going to get started on the list of likes but not before thanking you for stopping past and hoping you all enjoy your day!

515 Days

It has been awhile since I last saw you…515 days to be exact.

You met her, left me and somehow your choices brought about a change in me.

Your decisions turned my world upside down, while yours seemed to stay right side up.

I still have questions, but I no longer seek answers….do either of us have the answers I seek?

I think not…

You are further to the back of my mind, but still…you pop up.

Like a jack in the box, except you are not colorful and painted and elicit squeals of delight and surprise from me.

You are gray, colorless and it is not so much a pop….more as if you are throwing yourself in front of my face.

What do you want from me, 515 days later?

Do you want me to love you still? At times, I do.

Do you want me to miss you still? At times, I do.

Do you want me to worry if you are happy, does she love you, if she makes you smile and laugh? At times, I do.

However, my world is upside down, and I kind of like this upside down world.

I have friends, old and new here. Friends who know my worth and happiness are not tied to you. They taught me that.

I have approval, accountability and responsibility  here, and not from you.

Here, there is no black or white….it is all shades of gray and even when one is wrong, it can be made right.

I taste new things, meet new men and feel validated and wanted…again, not from you.

I experience new things, meet new people. There are comfortable silences here.

I am happy here most of the time. Here, in my upside down world, you are no longer the everything you were when things were right side up.

But then the jack in the box pops up, and I wonder…why am I here? How did I get here? And then I remember…

My 515 days has been an incredible journey: exciting, draining, both sorrowful and happy.

I have learned lessons and found I can survive without you, that not talking to you every day, not imagining our next time together would not kill me.

I learned that my future..the one I imagined with you, the one you said we would have together…did not include you.

I am learning that the present is more than enough to plan for…and my present, here in my upside down world, does not include you. And it is okay.

It does not mean I do not still wonder….

I wonder what it would be like to see you now with my upside down perspective.

I wonder what it would be like to see you after others have now driven down my streets, discovering me…seeing where I have loved, where I have lost, where I thought I knew what the answer was.

I wonder what it would be like to see you now that I know loving someone  means risking yourself to being hurt by one you trust, and  I no longer trust you.

I wonder if you have a jack in the box.

I wonder what have you done with the past 515 days.


NOT a Fan

THIS is the post about things I dislike…it is not all encompassing (best for all involved, writer and reader) and it will not be politically correct, as if I ever am. It will be me doing mini-rants on things that are nerve-wracking…things (except one) I could do without and in the case of Sister Someone just downright hatefulhatefulhateful. I promise you, I am still striving stay hopeful and positive and in my twisted way of thinking, maybe purging the negativity on a regular basis will help me achieve that goal. In any case, below in no particular order are things I find myself disliking.

Sister Someone: Dislike is described as having an aversion to something and/or to view said object with displeasure. THAT something/object would be Sister Someone, hands down. The woman irks my nerves, I really don’t think I like her and it may be time for her to go. Her drama was an interesting distraction in the beginning but it has gone to a place that television refers to as The Twilight Zone and not many people can read the updates all the way through because they fear their head will explode. She does not listen, ignores the signs and flags and at this point is both helpless and hopeless. Her son  is spoiled beyond belief and in need of medication and discipline twice a day, every day. In addition to all the other things she has subjected me to (and I am with everyone else on this: WHY am I a friend to her?), I went to dinner with her and her son the other night and not only did he show his ass and totally embarrass us…trust me, people were staring at us and either laughing or shaking their heads…  and here I am going off  on a mini-tangent. I fear Sister Someone is raising her son to be the type of man she is attracted to: spoiled, prideful and expectations of being catered to. I say this because I had to discipline him because while she admitted the behavior was unacceptable, she did absolutely nothing to correct it. So in addition to being embarrassed at a restaurant I frequent often enough that this incident will be remembered… this heifer stuck me with the entire check when she left to get the car and gave me a defunct credit card to pay her share of the bill. Since then, she has emailed me her resume to help her find another job (I have not even looked at it) and left the remainder of Brother Everything’s possessions in my care since he will no longer even meet with her…although he is still texting and calling. Not sure what is going to happen over there (especially since he has returned to the Ex) but once the Panel and I can sway Morning Person’s stance on keeping SS onboard….no longer our concern.

Fingering: Yes, I mean this one in the sexual context. I LOATHE fingering…I have never understood the concept of it or what men get out of it.  First and foremost, if you looking to penetrate me, I am going to want something longer and thicker than your freaking finger and trying to insert 3 or more of your fingers is not my idea of fun. I do not enjoy it and my squirming is not because it feels good…I am trying to get you to remove it from me. I admit, it is the  people pleaser in me that allows this to happen…even though I am wondering where in the hell those hands and fingers  have been; even though I wonder if a nail will tear delicate tissue (and no one with long fingernails or dirty nails is allowed to even look at that area), I feel that since they are validating me financially, they should have as much access as possible to things that are on the table…but seriously, if you can’t use what God gave you or a reasonable facsimile…don’t go there. Oh, and for the guys who think fisting is the ultimate…you can drop off the face of the planet. Let me fist you in YOUR orifice and you tell me how great and hot that is.

Texting: I admit it…I can be somewhat of a spelling and grammar freak which makes texting the bane of my existence. It is filled with emoticons and acronyms (nothing wrong with acronyms but not trying to read a message filled with them) and trying to fit an entire conversation into 160 characters or less does not work for me. To me, it makes one look and sound unintelligent…while I may not have a lot going on in other areas, I am not a dumb person and do my best not to present myself as such. Add in that either the keyboard is too small or my fingers are too fat and I am completely outdone. And for the people who will still email but use texting language while doing so…I am not responding to that because there is no excuse. NONE. You have unlimited character space and have more than likely completed high school so you should know that “see” is spelled s-e-e, not “c” and that okay is not spelled “k”.

Guys Who Cannot Give Oral: I have no idea what to say on this one. How about we start with I have never really been a fan of oral until recently…and in my entire sexual history, I have only had one orgasm via receiving oral and while him is the one who got me into receiving oral…him did not give it to me. Now that I know what oral SHOULD feel like and what it can do, I am so pissed and frustrated at guys who claim to be sooo good at it and are simply horrible at it. Horrible! There was the guy who kind of like stuck his tongue out and poked me with just the tip of it…the guy who ran his finger along the slit while kissing my stomach…or the guy who thought having his mouth hover over the area while he fingered me was better than sliced white bread. I look at it this way: it is the same as if I am offering up oral to the guy, and all I do is blow across the top of him while my hand massages the rest. Oral involves mouth, tongue and lips…NOT your freaking hands and fingers. I am telling you…if I gave oral the way these guys give oral… I would be out of business.

Public transportation: Do not get me wrong…I am glad to live in an area where public transportation covers so much of the area and runs during more than just rush hour. What I dislike about public transportation is that it is crowded, dirty, and anyone and their brother can ride it. It is unreliable, pretty expensive (probably still beats parking in DC though) and there are times you are literally taking your life in your hands. It is a necessary evil, but still….it’s evil.

Sushi: I am referring to the actual food product and not the nickname some Panel members have for the BTH. My dislike is twofold…first, it is fish. I have no love for fish…it tastes “fishy” and I just cannot do it, although I will eat fish before liver if held at gunpoint. Second, it is RAW fish and I have a serious thing about raw/undercooked meats. I am the one who thinks grilled food should be damn near black, I want my foods fried “hard” and when baking meats…I keep it in the oven a good 10-15 minutes past the time of being fit to eat. There are microisms (is that even a word?), bacteria, and all kinds of things that can make you sick, ill and give you the trots with raw meats and seafood. I take enough chances in life…sushi is not one of them. Besides, have you tasted it? GROSS!

Shallow People: I am not a fan of conceit, arrogance or holier-than-thou attitudes. Trust me, shallow and superficial folks of the world….you are not as cute, fit, intelligent or educated as you like to think you are. Pull your heads out of your asses and join us in the real world, why don’t you?

Stupidity:  Stupid is defined as: mental dullness; inane; pointless; lacking meaning or sense; irritating. Do you need any more reasons why I dislike stupidity?

Men/Myself: I have a love/hate relationship with myself and with men…I put us together because I tend to get tangled up in men. I keep telling you guys how stupid Sister Someone is with her relationships but I am the chick who can take the crumbs and build Dagwood sandwiches with them. I let a man’s rejection take me down dark paths where I am questioning myself because if he could not see it, maybe it really isn’t there; I take nice, friendly gestures and build up fantasy relationships where reality is not allowed to intrude. I allow the mixed signals to drive me crazy and I try to take everyone along for the ride. I am a procrastinator and a people pleaser and impatient and have control issues.

Men…are men. Not great at communicating, unsure of what they want and more insecure than women. They fuck over the good woman, fall in love with the bitchy chick and always run when things get serious/tough. Usually they are emotionally unavailable but let enough leak through so you keep thinking you have a chance and there is nothing worse than thinking you have a chance when you really don’t. Mix me and men together and we have the perfect formula for train wrecks and fiascos…in fact, I am telling UTA that the Guy I am in Lust With could be the Next Big Train Wreck…and I am actually excited about that. If that is not stupidity, what is? And this is why I dislike myself: I see, I know, I have been down the paths before…but somehow, I am thinking I can still separate the emotions, that I am not searching for what I had with him, that the things I find intriguing and interesting in a man will not be the same things that make me dislike him when the crash happens. It is all very messy and complicated and will probably require the services of a professional therapist to figure out once I root out the cause of my behaviors.

So this is my list…and I am going to tack on Unprofessional People….I had an interview today (a federal holiday) with a private sector staffing agency. I confirmed with them twice that today would be good, that they would be open…and they said yes. However, after getting up before the sun on a day off and spending $15 in cab fare to make sure I was there on time (looking good, smelling good and with freshly printed copies of my resume and references)…the building was locked up tighter than a drum and darker than a coal mine at midnight. Phone calls went unanswered , so I wasted time, money and Guardian Princess’ ink for an interview that never happened. Sons of bitches.

I will be back sooner than later with a post on things I DO like and still need to tackle the post on overcoming traumatic events. Thanks for stopping by and as always…enjoy your day!

Lightning Strikes

My plan was to come home tonight and write the post/list about things I dislike and I actually started doing that, but two things happened today that have me so excited, I could pee my pants. One I was going to put on the list, but I realized by the time I finished explaining and expounding on it…I would have this post instead. So I am doing this post first, then getting back to my list. I will say that I have not landed a job, hit the lottery or won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes. Nope, my news is process related and what it revealed to me today is awesome…if only to me.

I am going to start with the guy I am officially in lust with…I was having it bad for that dude, all based on one hug two weeks ago. Seriously, I was daydreaming about him, imagining him and I in bed together, being a couple. The sad part of it is, he is not great looking (well, to me he is but ask anyone….while none of my guys are clock stoppers, they aren’t head turners. Handsome is not a word one would use to describe guys I fall for)…average at best, although Oscar loves his eyes. I know nothing about him but found out some things this week: he has a girlfriend, his political leanings do not match with mine, his spiritual/religious beliefs are at an extreme opposite of mine and he is into alternative life theories which are totally over my head. But, I was still wanting to be with him…and freely, people! That’s right, no mutually beneficial anything…I was going to open myself (in more than ways than one) to a man I do not know and apparently would not mesh with on any level, without a price tag. And the process put the brakes on that one…quick. It reminded me that all the men I gave myself freely to turned out to be disrespectful and unworthy of me and that in the long run, they morphed into complete and total idiots that fucked me over…royally. It then reminded me that with men I gave myself freely to, lust turns into love and not a positive, uplifting love…the negative, it causes me pain all the time sort of love. The love that is filled with doubts, insecurities and instability. I have to say the process is right…already, I am ready to forego my beliefs and my stance on important issues to say I slept with this guy.

So today, the process taught me another lesson and I am wondering how in the hell I could have overlooked the most obvious lesson of all: KNOW YOURSELF. Know what you do in the relationships that cause them to end in such a fucked up manner. Recognize triggers and behaviors that send out the signals of vulnerability and desperation. Work on yourself before throwing yourself back out there…and I need a LOT more work in that area. Seriously, I cannot think of one good reason I would freely offer myself to a guy who I know practically nothing about and the little I do know is a huge red flag, beginning with: he has a girlfriend. It is more than hormones and I cannot even say chemistry/attraction because I feel none of that. No, I am willing to wager that there is a deeply rooted issue within me that needs to be weeded out and removed and the fact that the process stopped me from going full speed ahead with this folly lets me know I may be ready to begin the real work on me.

Which brings me to the second lightning strike of the day…I have only been honest with myself and the Panel and you, the readers. Remember I once said that honesty can be altered to fit your reality but the truth only changes if your reality does? Well, I was going to vent about how incredibly pissed and frustrated I am by all these exes of mine crawling out the woodwork, but I am not pissed at them. Yes, it is nerve wracking, but I am pissed and frustrated because HIM has not returned. That is all it is….I am angry none of these men are him. Now, I know I say I am done with him and the situation and I am done…with the current situation. Him is the one I still love and I will tell anyone…doubtful I will ever love anyone that way again and him will never find anyone else who will love him the way I did….and I want us to have just one more chance to get it right. Him is the one who could get a thousand second chances with me, in spite of everything. There, I said it….out loud AND put it in writing. Sue me. However, I do have fine print with this….don’t ask me how, but fine print is different from terms and conditions….him has to return before the process finishes to get these thousand second chances. That way if it goes belly up again, I can process everything at once versus little baby processes. Maybe I am not making sense (I am barely making sense of it myself and it is MY thought) but if I am already clearing wreckage from one train wreck…if another train crashes while I am clearing from the first one…more work to be sure, but not that big a deal. However, if I have already cleared the area….NOT in the mood to go back and clear more wreckage so quickly.

And this is where my lightning has struck twice in the same place…there is something deep (deep, deep, deep) inside of me so ingrained it has simply become a part of my psyche to want to put myself in the path of unhealthy love…I am willing to give up beliefs, stances, and feed myself half truths to get it, be it with him or with random dudes I meet while on temp assignments.  I blogged at the beginning of this year how this would be the year we could take back control of ourselves and our emotions and become the people we wanted to be and I am ready….I no longer want to the girl crying to her friends all the time, wondering what went wrong and what is it with me. Seriously, at some point it is NOT them, it IS you because you saw who they were and chose to ignore it. So I am ready for the process to get low and go deep…I know enough by now that it won’t begin until it is ready and that’s fine. I am grateful for days like today when it shows me that it is working and that as long as I remain true to myself it can help me more than I imagine. Now, if I can just stay out of my own way, I’ll be fine.

I am going to head to bed now…tomorrow I will check out blog posts by Larissa and UTA….go to my assignment and get to work on more posts for us. Hopefully I am not confusing or boring you too badly with all this process talk (I promise the next post will not be about it) and as always…enjoy your day!