I have been incredibly lazy…I am not posting the way I should and it is not for lack of things to say or ideas for blog posts….I have gotten quite lazy. Well, not so much lazy as tired…so far, this process has taken me on a helluva journey and I feel in the past year or so, I have walked (on one foot) a good 1,000 miles from my starting point. It has been rough going at times…anyone remember conversations that never happened with Cuz and Morning Person? I cried two oceans of tears, I went through a depression I thought would never end and I did some serious digging and realized things about myself…some good, some bad…all helpful. I found out my impatience, my need for instant gratification was more hurtful than helpful and I tripped myself more than once.
But finally, we are at a point where hopefully the darkest days are behind us….the process is not over and there is still more hard work to be done but things can only get better and I know that now. I am at a point where I can say..I’m fine and actually mean it, and it is manifesting itself mentally, emotionally and physically. I am going to start with the physical. I am getting fat(ter) and I am more than okay with that. I am the chick who does not eat when she is sad, depressed and completely unhealthy in all ways. I know it is usually the other way around, but I cannot swallow past the constant lump in my throat that comes from holding back tears and the stones in my tummy do not allow room for important things like food to sit and digest. All I can do is sleep and cry…eating and bathing on a regular basis are not on the to-do list of my heartbreaks. However, we are bathing daily, eating more than regularly and eating some damn good food at that. I am cooking, keeping the house clean and staying on top of laundry. I have my glow back, my smile is back to being quick and ready and I am sleeping…deeply and regularly. I know I need to get back on track with the plan to lose 30 pounds but it is the holiday season, and who watches what they eat this time of year? Probably everyone but me, but that is my justification for my slight weight gain, and for the first time maybe ever….I am happy to have a rounder belly.
Mentally…I no longer see what happened between him and I as my fault…the man is an ass and I allowed his insecurities and issues to become mine. I am NOT less than and him’s choices do not affect or change that fact that I am a good person, a beautiful woman and a great catch for anyone strong enough to handle who I am. I am moving on, not as quickly as I would want but faster than before, and Him’s recent actions (initiating the email exchange between BTH and I; showing everyone the root of his happiness) have definitely helped in that regard. I still think of him but I do not let myself linger there too long; I want to say I still love him…unsure of that statement but I do still care, but in a detached sort of way. I hear the stories and gossip but no longer do I want to reach out and help (anyone else remember the hater bitch fiasco?) …it is kind of like hearing about Sister Someone and Brother Everything. You hear it, you shake your head in disbelief and wonder how folks cannot see that the disaster is straight no chaser and no happy ending is in sight. I no longer feel like the lost half of a “we”…I feel like a “me” and am feeling really good about me.
Emotionally, I have made so much progress..I still remember when worst case scenarios (and once upon a time him sleeping with the BTH was enough to make me want to put a knife in my heart) would send me into emotional tailspins that had every Panel member in overdrive to circumvent. Whatever I felt for him I am leaving behind a little more each day and whatever I do still feel for him manages to stay in its place and hidden away. I can objectively view the relationship and the fiasco without going all hell bent in one extreme or the other. I have learned some hard lessons here and I am mindful of them. Of course, I still have much work to do in this area because some things I am handling in a most unconventional manner that some folks may not agree with, but that is fine. See, this is how I look at it: people say “do what you gotta do for you” but what they mean is do what they approve of you doing. What I do t get over, get through and/or get by does NOT require YOUR approval or understanding. All it requires is me being okay with the choices and possible consequences. If you can’t handle that, you can’t handle me. That statement is a brave one for me as I have this incredible nd incessant need to please people…not just the ones I know, but people I have never met, people I do not like and the people who at the end of the day, will not make one difference in my world. I am very much aware that this incessant, incredible need/urge/drive will probably never cease to exist, but it can be slowed down…and that starts today. It is time to start exerting the efforts and energies I give to others to myself. It is time to do things that will please me while helping to further my progress.
And there are so many other ways that my healing and happiness are manifesting themselves: I am doing different things. Adam (he has a new column for us and I am posting it super soon) and I went out and played Texas Hold ‘Em poker (is that redundant?)…I told the entire table I was a virgin to the game and the guys were really gentle about popping my cherry. They were helpful and had no problems helping me understand the rules and the game. It was lots of fun (at least our table was fun!), free and there were $5 pizzas! Christmas is coming and this year, I can be the fat man with the bag..somewhat. I have managed to get Christmas presents for my parents, siblings and Panel members…the Ladies will get individual gifts and the Men..I am treating to meals. It would be awesome if I could get all my boys together and take them to a Golden Corral or something…one low price and we all eat all we want and I can try to manage this weight gain…really not trying to push my luck here…but it will be individual meals. Which is fine…gives me more one on one time with my boys. I got yelled at by Artsy Craftsy for spending money I do not have, but I have said it before…these are people who have taken time out of their lives (a good year at least) to be at my beck and call to travel the first 1,000 miles with me and trust me, they are booked for a good 10,000 more…let me show you some tangible form of gratitude. For my readers…I cannot express my gratitude enough times that you come back post after post to see what is going on in my world. Thank you so very, very much for reading, leaving the occasional comments and giving me your feedback and opinions. It means so much and all advice is duly noted and if applicable…implemented. Believe it or not.
So now that this post is completed, I am working on 3 more and we have Adam’s column coming sooner than you think…all for your reading pleasure. I am preparing now for lunch with Sister Someone (you know a post is forthcoming about that)….thanks for checking in on me and enjoy your day!