I first posted this blog on January 2nd of this year…it is one of my personal favorites and with less than 3 weeks remaining in 2011, it is not too soon to start prepping ourselves for what will be different for us in 2012. I am not going to say let it go…you will let go when you ready, but be open for change. Know that there will be pain and hurt but they are signs of healing. Oh, and change is going to need your help..it cannot do it alone: be prepared to start striving and to stop settling, be open-minded, strap yourself in for the emotional roller-coaster rides and know this: you are NOT alone, no matter how much you feel you are.
It is the second day of a new year…..new day, new year, new attitude. I KNOW I am not the only person going through heartbreak and unanswered questions right now. I know there are some of you still tied to unhealthy relationships and wanting out but not knowing how. I know there are people who read this blog who want to hold on to the familiar because the pain of the staying the same is better than the pain of change. I know and I feel you because I am there with you. You think I do not miss him so badly I can still feel our last kiss on my lips? You think I do not love him so much there are times I am willing to be the side piece just to say I am still a part of his life? It hurts to hear that he looks like shit, yet he tells me that he happier than he has ever been. Of course I do not know the real deal, but to imagine him laying with her, laughing with her and just being with her giving her all he gave me and more? There are days that it does not even matter that he is a confused liar who treated me like shit….but today is not that day.
Today, and just for today….I am a good, decent person who deserves more than what he is capable of giving me. Today, I am beautiful, sexy and worthy of all the offerings and blessings a good person is worthy of receiving. Today, not only me, but to everyone in the same boat….we are empowered by the innate goodness, beauty and sexiness that makes us who and what we are. It IS their loss, not ours….we are the ones who did the best we could with what we had and why are we beating ourselves up and berating ourselves for their narrow-mindedness and inability to see what was a good thing? Flip it around, people….It isn’t that we were not good enough….we were better than that and Karma and the Universe split the union for a reason, and that reason was in our best interest and for our betterment.
It could be to open their eyes and a reconciliation will result in a stronger union beyond our wildest dreams….or it could be that it IS time for a change and once we embrace it, we will be floored and over the moon at the being on the receiving end of all we put forth in the previous relationship. Today, these people who have us so confused and tangled are SO last year and they and what we had with them (the good, the bad and the ugly) is in the past. One thing about the past….no matter how hard you try it cannot be recaptured or changed. All you can do is rebuild from now…and right now, there is nothing to build on. You cannot return to the way things were unless you want the same results…you have to start fresh and build the trust and friendship; demand and expect the respect you not only freely give, but deserve. Remember, even a dog will speak. Take this time to reflect on what you do in relationships….do you give too much too freely? Do you move too quickly or too slowly? Do you go into a relationship expecting to change someone or do you have standards that are too low/high? What can you do to make the next relationship better than the last?
Today is the day you can change whatever you want within your control. Embrace this knowledge with both arms and feed on it like a fat kid eats cake. And we ALL know how much a fat kid loves to eat cake. Channel this enthusiasm and make it work for you…..you may have moved on physically but what about mentally or emotionally? I know a woman who went through a horrible break-up and she did not want to sit still and process and heal; she simply could not allow that man to be happy and sexual while she was pining and crying and she hopped on the next thing coming. She met and married a man within 6 months and today…she cannot stand this man. She hates the way he brushes his teeth, she hates his snoring and she feels nothing sexually or emotionally towards him. He was her tool to get back at the guy who dumped her, and guess what? Dude did not give a rat’s ass…..he did break up with the woman he left her for, but he moved on to someone else….he did not return to her and could give two shits about this woman’s marriage. So this woman spends her days and nights with a man she hugs, kisses and cooks for and all she can think is she wishes it were another man she was doing this for, and another man holding her in his arms, saying he loved her.
Do not be afraid to be alone; everyone says to love yourself but I say learn to like yourself first. You have to like someone before you can love them. I say respect yourself first….you have to respect someone before you can love them. Be comfortable with yourself….you have some extra poundage? Either embrace it or do what you have to do to shed them. Blotchy/pimply skin? There are products to clear that up and there is always makeup….just do not submit membership for the League of Overly Made –up Women. Hair issues? Get it cut or get a wig….I personally love wigs. They are inexpensive and can be changed every day; plus, in the winter can you think of a more stylish hat?? Get to know yourself….how can you expect to know what you want or are looking for if you have not taken the time to know you? Embrace yourself: flaws, quirks and all. Embrace yourself like a fat kid eating cake..although if you are not quite comfortable with the extra poundage, limit yourself to one piece of a cake.
Know that you are wonderful, awesome and simply amazing…..not perfect but pretty damn close. So what they left you? Who KNOWS what issues lay beneath their surface or how much damage had been sustained when they finally entered your life? All you could do is be as healthy, loving, understanding and accepting as possible….and believe me, that will make an impact on them. It will not be the quick fix to all their hurt and damage, and you may never know just how much you helped them heal, but know that you did. DO not close your heart….they will always win if you do that. If they do come back for whatever reason, do not hold the past hurts against them…..the mere fact they came back says that while they may not know just badly or deeply they hurt you, they know where the good stuff is. BUT, do not throw the baby out with the bathwater….if you really want to try again and take a chance on what may or may not be a sure thing, go slowly.
If the person is married….cut the ties NOW. They will never be yours; they will not leave their spouse…at best the spouse will leave them and take them for all they got…and where does that leave you? Taking care of a person who is pining over what THEY lost. Baby daddy/baby mama? Grab those babies and move on…you got what was meant to come out of the union. In my opinion, at the very least you two should still be a couple. If you are a couple yet you are being disrespected, get to steppin’. If they are not living with you or discussing marriage, they never will. If you are not a couple but one (or both) of you are using the kids as a weapon to get them to be with you……stop it and get to steppin’. NEVER beg someone to love you and never make demands or give ultimatums….I do not want the affections of anyone I have to force or bully and seriously, who wants to be in a relationship out of fear? It may not be the ending you want, but for everything, there is a reason and sometimes it is not for us to understand.
Consider this a Good Person’s Empowerment Pep Talk: take the time to heal, grow and learn. Take the time to work on you while you wait your turn on the merry-go-round again. Just remember that all the rain in your emotional life right now will make for lush, green grass down the road. Trust and believe that the pain, hurt and confusion will fade and be replaced with love, happiness and laughter again. And this lesson is the most important: continue to treat people the way you want to be treated and do not settle for anyone who gives less than you or does not treat you the way you do them. Now, excuse me as this fat kid has to go eat some cake!