Life After….

So the fiasco is over and the aftermath of the finale has pretty much died down. UTA, who is coming down with something and in the middle of her own crap, took time to say “bitches be crazy” and she is glad I did what I needed to do for me. Mini-Me is not sure if I was being disrespectful and wrong but she wonders if there has ever been a right or wrong when it came to him and I…as long as I freed myself and was able to face/handle the fallout without bringing out Ghetto Black Chick, it’s all good. Policeman pointed out that for a man who will not have contact with me and wants none from me, him still has not blocked me or made any attempts to tell me not to other than to say him was under a no contact rule. Queen Bee swooped in to get caught up on all that was happening and to see how I was doing and after she heard about the retail therapy, flirting, how clean the house was again and that I was back in cooking mode (I did a BBQ pulled pork and mac & cheese this weekend) AND the flirting…she said something that I think I will always remember: she told me I was not doing this well when him and I were together and in a good space.

I say they are all  right…..for the entire time I was with this man (in any capacity), it has always been what him wanted, what would make him happy, tip-toeing around him’s feelings. It was time I did something  for me that was not completely negative where him was concerned. And I STILL have not told Morning Person, Cuz, Girlfriend , Artsy Craftsy or New Mommy. Not because I am scared to tell them…I am so not afraid of my Panel…just afraid of their fallout. Cuz, Artsy Craftsy and New Mommy are the ones I am least afraid to tell…Cuz knows about having to do what you feel you need to do and at least mine did not involve stalking and violence; Artsy Craftsy will give a huge sigh, say it is REALLY over this time and then ask me about the Dating Game; New Mommy will ask how do I feel and do I now see what everyone was saying when they kept telling me the man was an ass and unworthy?

Girlfriend and Morning Person are different stories….I can hear Girlfriend now saying in that calm, collected tone of voice that is actually worse than a yell or scream telling me she told me to ignore and delete. She will tell me that him STILL cannot say goodbye and there is a reason for that and if I send one.more.thing….but she need not worry about that. I am done…I now know it is not me, I definitely deserve better and after reading a post by Capturing the Zen about lies….I am going to stop lying to myself when things are not okay and stop settling and making less than ordinary men out to be immortal gods or something. Morning Person I am going to have catch when she is either very distracted or in an extremely good mood. I considered telling her I slept with him again and then tell her what actually happened. The relief of sex not happening would make everything else all right. And Buddy…I am so not telling Buddy anything…that boy would go off. Buddy, who is still with Boo (although he claims it is now an affiliation)…the woman who pitched a tent in his front yard and crashed through his back door and who has physically attacked him…would go off on ME for going after what I felt I was due. And I am not angry about that as we can give advice to everyone but ourselves, but I just do not feel like hearing his tirade, especially after the fact.

So while I am avoiding certain Panel members, I am carrying on with my life and this time, I can truthfully say I am and this is life after him. The year of limbo and processing was hellish and frustrating and I still have things I need to work on, but they are MY things, not him things. Remember I told you guys about my new chat buddy? He is funny, intelligent and I enjoy talking with him. Today, we exchanged pictures…he says I am luscious, curvy and cuter than a button. In addition to that, he says I am lying about my age to lure old rich men to their doom…no way am I anywhere near 40, let alone past it. He is my official  internet boyfriend, whether he wants to be or not. I say he looks cute but in an unconventional way…he looks almost Amish to me, but he has a tongue ring and is a closet IHOP junkie..we are so meeting. My Thanksgiving menu is coming together and I am crazy excited about that. My tooth pain has subsided and I more than happy about that…I still need to get to the dental clinic but at least I no longer feel the need to shoot myself in the foot to take my mind off the mouth pain. I have lost some weight…not much…maybe 10-15 pounds but it is a step towards the 30 I am trying to lose by New Year’s Day. I no longer wake up with dread and stones…I no longer wonder and worry about him. When I wake up in the mornings, I am wondering what will I do that day. Now when I pick up the phone  or send an email, it is not filled with speculation and unanswered questions…it is filled with news about job interviews, mutually beneficial dates and gossip about Sister Someone.

I am gearing up for a new round of mutually beneficial dates and so far, they seem sane and sincere. I am putting my resume out there and networking to find something long term or permanent while listening to former co-workers bitch and vent and tell me how much they miss me. I have an actual date…restaurant and everything…with a guy who seems okay on paper and is in my age range. I am excited about life after him…being completely single and putting me first. I am sure I will have moments of nostalgia and sadness…but no more sad songs, no more giving in to the pity and the unanswered questions. There is too much to look forward to: dates, new job, a clean house….to look back anymore.

So I am going to prepare for my date and in the days ahead I am going to update you guys on Sister Someone (hide the children and lock the doors…again), work on my resume, make a trip to the grocery store and maybe do some laundry. As always, thanks for reading and enjoy your day!

The “C” Word

Do you know what cancer is? It is defined as a malignant, invasive growth tumor which usually originates and lives off of animal tissue which covers the surface of organs that perform various secretory, transporting or regulatory functions. Cancer tends to recur after excision and metasizes to other sites. It is also defined as any evil condition that spreads destructively. Cancer is not one disease but rather several different diseases (approximately over 200) and some are preventable but many are not. Please note that preventable is not the same as curable…and preventive maintenance is the best defense: sensible diet low in sugars, fats and red meats while high in fresh fruits and vegetables and lean proteins; minimal tobacco product usage (actually, NO tobacco product usage is best but we all have vices); minimal alcohol intake; no abusing of drugs prescribed, illegal or over the counter and some form of exercise/movement for at least 20 minutes a day, at least 3 days a week and properly protect yourself from the sun. Yearly physical exams, mammograms, prostate exams, colonoscopies…all help with the prevention and early detection of cancer(s). Of course, some things cannot be helped by preventive measures such as genetics and family history.

I wrestled with so many drafts of this post…it cannot be entertaining…we are talking about cancer. Cancer is life changing, life threatening and can be life ending. It is NOT entertaining. I do not want it to be depressing…..there is hope and treatment and ongoing research to find cures.  So it will be filled with facts and stats…I will try to be as informative as possible without being too dry and detached. I am just hoping that reading this post and researching various websites (a good place to start would be the official website of the American Cancer Society: will help people whose lives have been touched by this evil, destructive condition, either directly or indirectly.

  • As stated before, there are over 200 different types of cancer. Cancer can develop from almost any cell or type of cell in your body
  • There are over 60 organs in your body and you can develop cancer in any one of them; also more than one type of cancer can develop in your body
  • The world’s oldest documented case of cancer hails from ancient Egypt, in 1500B.C. The details were recorded on a papyrus, documenting 8 cases of tumors occurring on the breast. It was treated by cauterization
  • The Top 5 most common cancers are ( in order of first to fifth): prostate cancer, breast cancer, lung cancer, colon/rectal(combined) and melanoma
  • More women  than men die from lung cancer; lung cancer also has the smallest survival rate of the top 5 common cancers
  • The pink ribbon was adopted as the symbol for Breast Cancer Awareness Month (October) in 1992
  • Did you know men also get breast cancer? It’s rare but approximately 2,500 men this year have been diagnosed with breast cancer
  • There are 12,000,000 cancer survivors living in the US

Cancer is not asymptomatic….there are warning signs that include: persistent headaches; unexplained weight loss/loss of appetite; chronic pain in bones and/or other areas of the body; persistent fatigue, nausea and/or vomiting; persistent low grade fever and repeated instances of infection. Sounds a lot like the flu, right? But no need to panic just yet as these  are secondary symptoms…there are 7 more common symptoms/signs of cancer and they go by the acronym of CAUTION:

  • Change in bowel or bladder habits.
  • A sore that does not heal
  • Unusual bleeding or discharge
  • Thickening or lump in the breast, testicles, or elsewhere
  • Indigestion or difficulty swallowing
  • Obvious change in the size, color, shape, or thickness of a wart, mole, or mouth sore.
  • Nagging cough or hoarseness.

Well, here it is….my post on cancer. I know I was supposed to do it on breast cancer in October but why isolate just one form of the disease? Besides, did you know November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, Lung Cancer Awareness Month and Stomach Cancer Awareness Month?  Or that February was National Cancer Awareness Month? People are diagnosed with cancer every day of the year…and every day more and more are surviving and living their lives. Take a few minutes and see what you can do to improve the quality and length of your life; if you can, donate to cancer research and let’s all help each and every one achieve more birthdays.







The Fiasco Finale

THIS is a blog post I do not want to write…and seriously, it is already written. I simply need to introduce it, conclude it and add in some commentary. I don’t want to publish it because I am scared…flat out scared of facing the wrath of Morning Person, Cuz, New Mommy, Artsy Craftsy and Girlfriend. You see, I sent the missive to him to say goodbye. I know him didn’t need to see it , read it or hear it but I needed to say goodbye…I needed the closure and I needed to tell both of us that his involvement in the process is finally over and I can walk into a future that will not contain him…and I am okay with that.

They say the most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained…and since I had to give myself what I needed to finally close this door (and you can believe me or not, the door is firmly shut), I decided to give myself this goodbye. Oscar tried really hard to stop me, but I knew what I was doing when I decided to tell only Tiger, Oscar, Bell Pepper and Chef. I did tell Quiet One, but after the fact and the dust had settled. I wanted to send it…not to start anything, but because I felt it was the right thing to do for me and I will give Tiger big props here: he was against me sending it from the jump. Oscar, who was doing such an incredible job of being logical and laying out all possible scenarios,  I was able to persuade and she eventually told me to do what I felt in my heart; Bell Pepper and Chef have always been all for me sending it, but I think they had been rooting for reconciliation. I however, know that my newfound, tentative happiness and confidence has to be nurtured and that hope, no matter how small or fleeting, for a reconciliation with him would stunt that. I have to shut the door on all things him and sending the missive would do so…who knew it would end the fiasco (because in my book, this thing is over and done. D-O-N-E.) as messily as him began it?

Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel gets the invite to Ross’ wedding to Emily? Rachel said since she and Ross had been always been on-again, off-again for so long, she just figured that somewhere down the line, they would be on-again somewhere down the line, and that is how I felt for soooo long….one of us would always walk away, but we always came back to each other.  She said that when it came to her and Ross, sex would always be on the table and she really wasn’t handling the news of his marriage very well. Which she wasn’t…she took all of her hurt and frustration and pain on the dates that came after Ross. I also did not handle him’s new relationship and marriage well  either…the only thing I did differently was to take it out on him…him caused it, make him pay.  So I am going to give you guys the entire email exchange…I swear, you have to read it to believe it.

Okay, it starts with me sending the open letter…. and I put in the letter that I truly do hope he is happy and can answer the rhetorical questions in the positive. I wanted his endeavors to be successful and that this really was the last missive as I had no desire to say anything else to him and I finally see he never really needed/wanted to know any of what I was feeling. I apologized for making this difficult on both of us, but the goal had been achieved. See, I know I blogged about how I felt he needed to read/see it, but it was really I who needed to send it. THIS is my closure and I am not one to leave things open-ended….that door is firmly shut and the ship has sailed and this was my goodbye to him and to us. It did not matter to me if he read it, deleted it, ignored it, whatever…I did what I needed to do for me.

But, in typical him fashion…he sends it to BTH, along with this: “I did not, will not respond only ignore and delete.” Commentary: WHY would you bring drama/controversy into your own home? You did NONE of what you said you would: you responded by sending it to your wife, you did not ignore it because you read it (him never would have sent it if he had not read it) and whoever is in possession of the email now, it is not deleted. I don’t get it..I would think you loved the person you married and would not do anything to hurt or upset them…especially an email from your ex who is telling you goodbye and good luck (a year later, but again..better late than never). I mean, there was nothing in that email that pertained to her or that would suggest she be involved in any way. But what do I know?

Well, this was the bee in the bonnet as far as BTH was concerned, and she wasted NO TIME in sending me a message: “DC My best friend is a police officer and I have turn this over to him.  Stop harassing my husband or I will press charges. Stop emailing him and stop calling him.” Commentary: Like I give a rat’s ass who your best friend is, seriously. I was a little caught off guard with the phone call remark as I told you guys I crank called him repeatedly but there have been no phone calls since March of this year, so that is an interesting tidbit of info that he is still receiving crank calls.

I responded with:”I am not apologizing for my communication but I am sorry he keeps dragging you into his messes and expects you to clean them up. I do not care what you do/did with it. I have achieved my closure and am sincerely done as should have been evidenced by the email. As for calls…we did not communicate by telephone when things were good….Gold Digger #1 is his phone chick”. Commentary: total truth….I did not care about her police or pressing charges threat. SHE has no case…him does. And only in the beginning of this fiasco when I was off the chain and on a roll (is there a statute of limitations on harassment?) …and the man never said a word. Him never told me to stop emailing, to get over it…hell, he never told me anything except when I apologized for calling him a fat ass. Then he comes back asking after all I said, do I honestly think the only hurtful thing was him being a fat ass. I have to say yeah, because that is what him responded to. As for Gold Digger #1…she really was a harassing caller and I am serious…our communications were via email and text…after 2 arguments via telephone, we decided we just cannot communicate that way as we yelled and screamed over each other all the time.

I think I sent that email at maybe 8pm….at 6am, BTH comes back with this: “DC He’s my messes he is my husband. So any concerns he has are in my interest. Woman to woman it’s been over a year let it go. It is very disrespectful for you to email my husband regardless of whatever has or hasn’t happen. I am forwarding all your emails to the police and will let them handle the situation. BTH.”Commentary: First thing…he’s her messes…so him is more than one mess? Second thing: HOW many times are you going to say him is your husband? To me, that shows insecurity and ownership…impress me and tell me you love him and are in love with him. Third…she wants to talk to me about disrespect? I think your husband is the one who has disrespected you this time around as I sent a communication to him, NOT BTH. Fourth: again, you think the police scare me? I have been to jail before and trust me, I have faced down bigger and badder and I am still standing. Fifth: as if telling me a jillion times that him is her husband, she has now started signing her full name (she took him’s last name) at the bottom of the email. Bell Pepper stated that this chick must have stayed up all night itching to respond and her jealousies and insecurities are coming through loud and clear.

By this time, I am getting a little heated and I know this chick is beneath me in every way but I cannot allow her to think her threats have scared me off and seriously…she needs to know who the hell she is dealing with, but I have to remain calm before she does have a case against me (really, have both of them forgotten I know where they live and where him works?) , so I respond with this: “BTH…woman to woman….I have never had anything against you and still don’t. This started before he became your husband and it should have stayed between us. Yes, it has been over a year but you do not know my story or what I felt for that man…it has truly taken me this long to let go and find peace not only with the situation but within myself. My communication was to him to let him know I really and sincerely am done…I am moving forward with my life and endeavors and I honestly wish him happiness and success with his. I have never told him to leave you or to have an affair with me; I have not threatened him  or you and am not harassing him or you, although I admit at the beginning I was out of control. Hell, I always left you out of it. You however, have emailed me with condescension and threats….so you can bring the police into it (I have friends there, with the FBI and even a couple of Judges) or we can stop this pissing contest and call it a truce. You have your husband, I have my closure and we all can live happily ever after. Commentary: Pretty much I was letting her know that I am the one with a harassment charge against her if she chose to go that far and I was not joking with her…I have an ex-boyfriend (whom I am still quite friendly with) who is a member of the MPD force and the neighborhood cops all love me; Pantyhose Dude is an FBI agent (yes, I know…I was in shock myself) and my last assignment that ended a few weeks ago? I was assistant to 2 Federal Judges who have offered to be references and have given me their home numbers to call whenever I need them.

Apparently, as dumb as she is, she got my meaning as she responds (yet again) with this: “Im glad you know police, FBI or whoever maybe you should have seek their help with your recovery. I sure if you told them or let them read  the emails, they will tell you to let it go. I have seen every email you have sent him.  Obviously him is over you because he has not been in contact with you.  I seen somewhere about people venting with emails but not sending it to individual.  It is now between you and I because my husband  will not have any contact with you. If you have in questions or concerns contact me and leave my husband alone. If you need more therapy to get over my husband, I suggest you seek psychiatric help or talk with your police or FBI friends. BTH.”  Commentary: to me, this is the most telling email. First, she proved she was full of hot air and empty threats because she backed down quickly from her threat of the police when she found out I know people too. Secondly, why is it so important to her that I “let it go”? I think the only people I have been driving apeshit crazy are the Panel, you readers and myself. As she stated, him is obviously over me (and I have to say I was flattered to hear that as I have come to the conclusion him was never into me at all), so it does not bother him. Hell, it did not bother him when I was sending 2 missives a day for a month straight…an email every 4 months or so should not be a big deal. Third: she stated him will not have contact me which set off alarms with Bell Pepper and Quiet One…she did not say him does not want to have contact…him will not and my girls are thinking it is because BTH will not allow it. I don’t know…don’t care. I am finally at a place of indifference when it comes to him…I have managed to rescue me from this wreckage and that is all I am concerned with. Amazing to me is how she wants to put herself in the middle of the messiness him and I had become…maybe it is crazy to me because I would tell my husband to clean this shit up and leave me the hell out of it. Where she states she has seen every email I have ever sent him…BIG lie. That chick would STILL be reading, and her eyes would be crossing and she would be on the phone with a divorce lawyer…quick! The man and I were very sexual and we were into alternative kink and I think you all get the idea.  Lastly…she wants to make me out to be the crazy one…and maybe I am but that is not her call to make, so I sent one last response and it turned out to be the last response.

“At this point BTH, I don’t want contact with your husband so his not contacting me is fine. Yes, people have told me to let it go, but it’s a process…for me, it was a painful one filled with lots of issues, doubt and conflict. Doesn’t make me crazy and I refuse to allow you to label me as such. Again, you do not know my story or what I have been through…however, it is now over and I am going to wish both you AND him a successful marriage, a happy life and good luck. I am telling both of you…I am sincerely and truly done. If I see him on the street, I don’t know him. I have what I need to help me while no longer hurting others. I am moving forward into my future and neither of you are in it. Best to you both.”

And now, it is over…at least him’s involvement in the process is over. The reaction from the Panel members who know has been pretty much unanimous…those two are strange, weird and thank goodness I am no longer embroiled with that. Frankly, when the BTH began responding I was wondering if I did the right thing, but I am glad I did send the missive and him did what he did (does anyone other than me, Quiet One and Chef realize him never responded  at all?) as it really does put the nails in the coffin…whomever him is now, I really don’t know him and do not care to. BTH’s petty attempts to belittle me and drive home the fact that him chose her only served to prove to me that she cannot hold a candle to me in any arena; I truly do deserve better than a man who finds classless, tasteless and apparently undereducated women who have multiple children out of wedlock preferable to who I am and all I am (crazy and all)…him is a coward who  was never worth my time or tears.  I needed to learn and see for myself , and as much as the BTH now wants to be besties with me, my Panel is full…we have room for one more and she is not the candidate.

It has shown me that I am still a threat after a year apart and him’s marriage to her (why and how, I have no idea); it has shown me that my Panel knows what they are talking about: Cuz warned that if I stayed with him long enough, I would be as crazy as him is, and for a minute, I was…Quiet One told me that him would send BTH the missive because it shows her that someone, somewhere cared for him in a manner she is unable to …Artsy Craftsy said they were weird and to stay far away. They were all right and I am just hoping that Cuz and Morning Person remember that they promised no one was going anywhere and we are members for life and after. I am hoping Girlfriend will say it’s okay and that New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy will not make my ass hurt too badly.

And in case you were wondering, I have not cried or wondered or analyzed this incident…I cooked, bought some burgundy patent leather pumps and donated to a worthy charity. I have a new chat buddy who seems cool and fun and we may do dinner or a movie and have fielded off some utterly ridiculous mutually beneficial candidates. I went on a job interview and while I was selected, there has been a snafu with the budget so I am on standby. I am still trying to put the cancer blog together (I want it to be hopeful, not depressing), cleaning my apartment , chatting with Oscar and planning a Thanksgiving menu and arguing my sis-sis. I have been living my new, single life and loving every minute of it. In fact, three words still  do come to mind when it comes to him….they are: Go. To. Hell.

Thanks for bearing with me through this incredibly long post and as always, enjoy your day!







Little Things

I am working on the blog post for cancer (promise I am) but decided to take a break and blog out a few minor updates and a possible regression. Well, not quite a regression as I have not acted on anything (yet)….remember the open letter missive that I didn’t want to send to him? The one I had no desire to send? Well, NOW I want to send it. I have no idea why…maybe to tell him I am getting over him? Why tell him that…he doesn’t care. Maybe to give him a chance to approach me honestly for once? Again, why….for all I know he has been honest and truthful all along about his happiness and it is simply the aging of his face that gives him that sad sack look, not unhappiness in his home. And if he did respond the way I want him to, I wouldn’t believe him as him has now been branded a liar in my book. Maybe to tell him I am healthier and happier and I know he was unworthy? Okay, he won’t care about the first part and the last part will only confirm that I am a hurtful, hateful bitch who does not know when to let go and leave things alone. I don’t know…for some reason I feel he needs to read/hear one last (yeah, right) missive from me and I called on Oscar to talk me out of this stupid stunt I want to pull….she is doing a bang up job so far and I am listening to her. I am impulsive and probably giving into emotion versus listening to logic and quite honestly, Oscar felt it was too beautiful and touching to waste on him who will either not read between and beneath the lines and ignore it or come back with some off the wall crap that will start the war back up. We are processing and progressing…no need in looking backwards…we are headed forward.

Okay, that is out of the way….I have been having a ball making my holiday plans. Mama wants me to come down for Christmas and she wants me to make a glazed ham and some potato salad…Daddy will handle the rest of the menu and after dinner, we are planning to go see a movie at the theaters. Not sure which one…Sherlock Holmes is our first choice, but maybe we will go see J. Edgar. I really want to see that movie and so do my parents. I can hold off on seeing it to wait for them and treat myself to Tower Heist this weekend. Thanksgiving, I am super excited about…I really do love to cook and this is how I know I am finally coming together and getting back to being me…the thought of tasty dishes and seeing friends and family enjoy my efforts has me as excited as a kid at Christmas. This is the year that personally, it is beginning to turn around for me. There is a saying: when love goes wrong, nothing goes right…but times heals and reveals. You have to love yourself before you can love another…and I am falling in love with me again. I am working to break bad behaviors such as people pleasing and procrastination. I am working on more than surface shit…I have issues that need to be addressed and dealt with and I am only the person who can address and correct them. I no longer wish to be considered the expendable one. I deserve so much more than that and it is time to show people how to treat me in the manner I treat them…with lots of love and respect.  Now that the worse of the heartbreak is over, it is time to step up and prepare myself for the next steps…who knows what they will be or where they will lead? I think I am ready to find out.

Next update…I have a job interview!! So excited about that but nervous as hell. I definitely want something long term and this potential assignment promises that. It would be close to home (one bus ride and under 30 minutes commuting time) and it would be a steady, stable income. I am nervous because interviews are where you sell yourself and I have never considered myself a good salesperson but I am going to take a deep breath, actually be on time and just be me. Take it or leave it, love it or hate it. And can you believe I am actually a little miffed that I have an interview? Really, I am trying to enjoy my unemployment as best I can and between tooth pain, short term temp assignments, processing and screening potential dating partners (mutually beneficial and otherwise) …I am so not sleeping in and chomping down Chinese food while watching Grey’s in the afternoon.

Before I wrap this up and get back to housecleaning and my other blog post I want to share this with you…the story has me and the Panel members who know about it  either laughing our asses off even though it is not funny or shaking heads. Probably both. Sister Someone’s kid has been showing out at school…first it was temper tantrums, then falling asleep in class. Now apparently he is trying out for class clown…..the child told his class that he “eats his mommy’s panties” and of course, Sister Someone was summoned to the school to be informed of this….she properly scolded the child but was up at 3am wondering why her child wants to be known as a panty eater. I have no answers for her but suggested that maybe she find out where he heard the phrase….I sincerely hope that is not a phrase being passed around kindergarten playgrounds during recess.

So, I have managed to get all the little things off my chest before they could become big things which is a good thing. Now I am off to do some housecleaning, laundry and more blogging. Enjoy your day!

Holiday Plans

I know, I know…WHO wants to talk about holiday plans now?? Guardian Princess is saying it is way too early and to take one day at a time, but days are running short. Do you know it is 17 days until Thanksgiving and 48 days until Christmas? It is time to start making plans and getting ready and this year….I want to make plans and have fun and enjoy my family and friends. Last year, I was a complete and utter wreck….Thanksgiving wasn’t too bad; I felt pangs of loneliness and had crying bouts but Christmas was disgusting. I cried all day, didn’t eat and I think I crank called him all day long.

We all hear how time heals all wounds and this too shall pass and it will get better. All sound trite and clichéd, but they are all sososososo true. This year, I am not in the same place and I am not the same person. I am no longer all over the place with my emotions nor am I wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’. I am staying in the present, leaving things alone, letting go and concentrating on me and those who truly matter (about 89% of the time). I have a new hair color, new clothes, a new attitude and at this point….my life can go in any direction I want it to go in. Of course, I will not take it to some sort of extreme but while job searching, why not look in different areas and cities…like, Seattle maybe? Personally, I am realizing a lot of things and the one thing that keeps coming up is how I keep saying how happy I made him, how happy he was with me…but how happy was I with him? In the open letter I wrote recently I stated I knew my love was wasted on him…the man he was when I knew him and whoever he is now…and correct me if I am wrong, but that is not the statement of a happy woman. I did love him (and still do) but did he make me happy? It was once suggested that him was like a drug…giving me incredible highs when we were physically together and depressing lows when were not. One thing I have never associated with drugs was happiness…fun, maybe  (not for long though) but not happiness.  I have to objectively look back and see all the work and effort I put into our relationship and how little he exerted.  I am seeing that the women he pursued before and I suspect during our time together were all what I believe (with good company) the BTH is: gold diggers, mothers and with very little regard or concern for him or his happiness…yet he married that type of woman while with me, he insisted repeatedly that was not what he wanted.

And you know what? Those are his issues and choices; I know that we all have issues and I want the person whose issues I can put up with and handle and who will put up with and handle mine without whining about how inadequate he is or how I deserve so much better. Is it that you think I deserve better or you can do better? I want someone who knows what a great person I am, what a good woman I can be to them and will realize what a gift he has in me,  just as I know what a treasure he is to me and in my life. So, with these newfound insights, a Dating Game plan, a process that is yielding results that I can see and feel…I am ready for the holiday season! Still broke, but I can share my home, my food, my friendship and my love. So I have two scenarios for both holidays that I want to share with you and am choosing to ignore that my mouth may be a construction site due to dental care (yes, I am going to the clinic to start the process).

Thanksgiving: Hands down, my favorite holiday ever, and this year I want to enjoy it again. I am happier than I have been in a long time and regaining my emotional health and balance and time to do some cooking and socializing. My first thought is to go home to my parents for the holiday. I can scrape together some dollars for a round trip bus ticket (way cheaper and more stories to hear than if I rented a car) and go down the Tuesday before and come back the Saturday following. I would help my dad with the cooking by contributing potato salad and homemade mac & cheese…maybe even a small glazed ham for my  mom, sisters and I to eat. And since my dad is a vegetarian, maybe the ham will be all the meat we need. I can veg out, enjoy my family, eat some of my daddy’s really good cooking and just have fun. Mom is corny so we will probably watch the Macy’s parade, share stories and being family, have an argument or two. I would be home and it would be wonderful.

My second option is to stay home and cook in my apartment…not going to lie, it has been awhile since some really good aromas have filled my rooms. I could do a turkey, stuffing, potato salad, mac & cheese, whipped sweet potatoes with marshmallows and greens. Guardian Princess would contribute a sweet potato pie and a chocolate pound cake and there would be ice cream. I could invite  Mini-Me and my cousins Baby Girl  (who both have birthdays that week, so maybe a sheet cake with Happy Birthday on it?), my cousin G-Man,my sis-sis,  Bell Pepper said she would come over and bring drinks, Morning Person said she would stop by if it didn’t get too late and maybe take a plate to my neighbor downstairs. I would put out scented candles,  I could smoke indoors (HUGE plus) and start making new memories in my home with family and friends.

Christmas: As with Thanksgiving, first option is mama’s house…I am spending one of the holidays with my parents and siblings and even though my brother will not be there, this may be the best holiday as my brother will most definitely call on Christmas and it would be awesome to hear his voice. We no longer exchange presents in my family but that is fine…daddy will make his famous Christmas breakfast and we will listen to Christmas carols and talk and laugh and reminisce. Later we will have a Christmas dinner and either watch movies or head out to one. It really would be the most wonderful time of the year and I would be spending it with the people who love me more than anything and I love more than words can say.

If I choose to stay home, it would be a quiet affair and no cooking. No decorations…just a small tabletop tree.  I would do a Chinese buffet of sorts: I would order 3 large dishes from the Chinese carryout on Christmas Eve (shrimp egg foo young, Hunan beef extra spicy and some General Tso’s chicken), sleep in and maybe invite Mini-Me and my cousin G-Man over. I would make a dessert, watch movies, talk to my mama and just celebrate the holiday in an extremely low-key manner.

And you know what? Writing this out has helped me plan my holiday season…I am doing Thanksgiving at my house (not Thanksgiving in the hallway, but look for it to make a comeback) with my friends and sister and will travel home to mama’s for Christmas. Fun One usually has a Christmas party in early December and I have the perfect dress for that (it is silver, sequined and short!) where he has yummy food, tree trimming and games. I never knew how much of myself I lost during the fiasco but I do know I will never lose myself that way again and I am ever so thankful I am not facing another holiday season the way I faced last year’s. This year, there is hope and healing and happiness. This year, there is ME in all my awesomeness and fabulosity.  So, before I suggest you guys enjoy your day, feel free to share your holiday plans via comments or email. I would love to know! Okay, NOW…enjoy your day!  



Why I Was Late

I am listening to a song right now that I want to say describes my mood and my new outlook. It is called Coming Down and it is by an artist named Ohm-G. It is bluesy, jazzy and has that techno-pop beat that makes it perfect for a lazy Sunday. However, I am here to tell you guys what has been happening that backburnered a blog post about Halloween until November. Basically, I have been processing and dealing with life on life’s terms…I wrote the missive to him that still has not been sent because I still feel that him does not need to know anymore what I feel or felt….as Oscar put it: EVERYONE knows, including him. I have a killer toothache that has me calling Panel members and begging them to put on their kung –fu grip and come over with a pair of  pliers. The Panel saw a picture of BTH in a bikini…we are still trying to erase that image from our brains. I have been dealing with ghosts from my professional past. I have had a couple of mutually beneficial dates. I colored my hair. It has been a lot and I am going to expound on all of it, so strap in, grab snacks and get ready to read.  

The tooth: I hate them. Yes, them…there are two that need to come out of my mouth like yesterday. The hula dancing front tooth has gotten worse…it is now limber and flexible…not good things for a tooth to be. The back molar I think is infected. Guardian Princess gave me some medications when the pain first started about a month ago and I took them faithfully. They gave me diarrhea and I really think I was using a roll of toilet tissue a day, but I did not care. The pain was gone….but now it is back and Guardian Princess is out of medications. She has given me motrin instead and I am swallowing them as if there is no tomorrow. Seriously, when she gave me the bottle of pills, I took 10 at one time. They are only 200mg a piece, but everyone, including myself, knows that taking doses in the double digits is not the best thing to do. Reliable One suggested getting Sensodyne toothpaste to help deaden nerve endings, which in turn would also help lessen the pain. Quick fixes to be sure and also slightly expensive…the toothpaste cost me $8!!! But they are working…for now. I have to get to the dental clinic, except I have to go in as an emergency patient as they are booked via regular scheduling through February. So, I need $80 and to be across town by 6am just to be seen for X-rays and assessments…and really, I KNOW what the problem is: I have advanced gum disease, a loose tooth, a possibly (and I want to put quite and very in front of the possibly) infected back molar and no insurance, but it is a process. One I am not wanting to go through (seriously) but pain is a great motivator.

Job Front: Does anyone remember the Craziest Bitch in America? Well, I damned sure do. That woman was utterly ridiculous and while I was laid up this week with tooth pain, she called. Several times. At first, I did not recognize the number, but it finally dawned on me who was calling and I called my mama and Morning Person to save me. Save me may be harsh, so why don’t we say to advise me….after all, I am unemployed and something long term would definitely be something to consider but we had two obstacles: first, it was a job with CBIA which meant long term would probably equal 2 weeks or so of work  AND it had to be facilitated through Fun One’s agency, which is so not happening…ever. Remember, we still have 3 weeks to go to even receive an unemployment check because of his stunts, but mama and Morning Person said to talk to them…things could be different. Guess what? They aren’t…she is still flitting in and out of reality even while on her medications and pretty much it boils down to she has someone doing the job she wants me to do. It will be a competition and the best person will win the job for the remainder of the fiscal year or until she decides to go completely batshit and fire your ass…whichever comes first. Fun One is still insistent he never contested the unemployment claim and I KNEW I should have brought down the paperwork containing both his signature and his attorney’s signature. Of course, I am not doing the assignment….I need to keep my mental balance and peace of mind and as far as unemployment goes…only 3 more weeks left until I begin receiving my check. No need to rock any boats or upset any apple carts. I have not been homeless or hungry in 9 years and I believe I have enough resources to keep afloat  for another 3 weeks during this setback.

The Mutually Beneficial Dates: To date, there have been 3 of them, totaling $350. I paid a couple of bills, put some away in my bank accounts and caught some serious deals: a gray maxi dress, a sparkly, shiny gemstone ring and the most exquisite (does anyone even still say “exquisite” anymore?) candy wrapper clutch purse. I am not going to get into too much detail about what actually transpired during these “dates” as I have family members who read the blog and the less they can tell their mothers (who will tell MY mother), the better off this DC BBW will be. Just know there was no full monty, no full-blown anything and it did not take long at all.

BTH in a Bikini: Okay, so we still are not fully minding our business…sue us. It is a process, people and we are striving for progress, not perfection. You know, when him first abandoned me, I cried and wondered what does she have that I don’t…why her and not me? After seeing that picture, I am still asking those same questions but not in the same way. I have to ask does she not know or just doesn’t care. And the Panel is pretty much in the same boat as me: Bell Pepper wants to know who let her out in public like that; Cuz wants to know did she not know it was a family beach; Artsy Craftsy only said “WHOA”; New Mommy was stunned into silence; Quiet One was outraged that a woman of her age and size would find it acceptable and that him would find it remotely sexy and Girlfriend and Chef are just  like…that’s wrong. Morning Person says I am way too classy and aware of my limitations to even be seen like that and that is a good thing. I swear, I want to call him and ask how those choices are working out for him.

Hair Color: I am going to be truthful here…I have no idea what my natural hair color is anymore or what it ever was for that matter….I think I started out with dark brown or a natural black but after years of trying to re-invent myself, it settled into a reddish color with brown undertones. But I was on the phone the other night with Bell Pepper and she was telling me how well she felt I was handling the layoff and how much progress I had made with the process and how different I seemed and it struck me…the new me needed something to show the world how different I was. Yeah, I had the retail therapy but I wanted something else…..and I figured if I could not find suitable hair ( I am looking for the wig that will make me say, I want THAT), I would re-invent the hair I have. So I got some bronze hair color that has me looking like a redhead with blondish highlights. I think it looks great with my complexion but it makes my eyebrows look strange. Oh, well….we can get used to the new me together.

So this is what has been going on…hopefully it was not too boring. I will elaborate further on my new attitude and outlook in the next blog post…until then, enjoy your day!


Trick or Treat!

Okay, I am late with this blog post. I know it, you know it. But I promised to blog about Halloween and there is a saying: better late than never. Yeah, I’m late, but a woman of my word. So let’s enjoy some fun facts and trivia about the scariest day of the year.

How many times did you hear the phrase in the title on Halloween? The answer is probably many, many times…the phrase is pretty much an ultimatum given when children come to solicit gifts of candy/food from you and with an estimated 41 million children in the trick or treating age range (yes, there is an age range…5-14), you may be glad that like Christmas, it only comes around once a year.  I like to call trick or treating “other people’s turn to feed the babies” and it has been a part of American culture for over 50 years, but has actually been a ritual in Europe for over a century.  Well to do folks left out treats and goodies to pacify the evil spirits and poor folks used to sing/chant prayers for the dead for food on All Hallow’s Eve (Halloween) in an effort to rid the land of evil or unclean spirits before All Souls Day, observed on November 1st.

Below are more fun facts you may or may not have known….

  • Halloween is the second most successful commercial holiday with over $7 billion in sales ($2 billion in candy sales alone); Christmas is the first
  • Orange and black are the chosen colors of the holiday. Orange represents the Fall harvest and black of course, represents darkness and death
  • October 31st is the last day of the year according to the Celtic calendar; Halloween began as a pagan holiday to honor the dead
  • Ancient Celts thought that the spirits and ghosts of the dead roamed the earth on Halloween night and began wearing masks and costumes to avoid being recognized as human
  • The movie Halloween was shot in the spring of 1978 in 21 days on a limited budget and the lead character played by Jamie Lee Curtis was named after John Carpenter’s first girlfriend
  • It has long been thought that a person born on Halloween will have the ability to communicate with the dead
  • Black cats are thought to be a witch’s familiar and  the cat holds the witch’s power(s)
  • Vampire bats do exist! They live in South and Central America and feed off the blood of livestock such as cows and horses
  • Physical traits of a werewolf include a unibrow, hairy palms, and an unusually long middle finger. The hairy part sounds like my last date; no comment on the middle finger.
  • Gargoyles were carved by medieval architects to ward off evil spirits; they do not contain them.
  • If you see a spider on Halloween, it is said to be the spirit of a loved one watching over you. And don’t forget, if you kill a spider, it brings rain.

Well, hopefully you enjoyed the post and in case anyone (like me) was wondering, All Souls Day is still observed, but mostly by the Catholic Church. All Souls Day is the day that those who had not achieved full sanctification and moral perfection (which are requirements for entering Heaven) at the time of their death are helped in the process through prayer and Mass.  I want to acknowledge Wikipedia for their insightful answer to the All Souls Day question and also Halloween for their help in unearthing these fun facts.

I will be back soon (really, I will) with my excuse for being later than doughnuts with this post and my post on cancer. Enjoy your day!