Hits and Misses


In my last blog post, I told you guys about a new round of mutually beneficial dates and the actual date I was preparing for…well, I am here to update you all on the entire dating game (traditional and mutually beneficial) process and tell you about the actual date. First, there are no traditional dating game updates to report. The ad I placed on Craigslist expired and my ad on Plenty of Fish has yielded a guy in Las Vegas who swears I am his soulmate. Nothing against my potential soulmate being in Las Vegas, but I think I specifically mentioned I wanted someone more local to the DC area…I want to date a person, not just have talks and chats. I want to see the person, and not via webcam. So, no traditional dating prospects as of yet. I do have a profile on match.com, but you have to pay to do anything there and really, I cannot see myself paying to get the same quality/caliber of men that are also perusing CL…maybe one day I will break down and so something more substantial with Match, but not just yet. I hear and read the stories from people who actually use the site and apparently, married men and misrepresentation run rampant there also.

The mutually beneficial arrangement experiment is actually doing pretty well…a lot of responses to weed through and a lot of frogs, but there are some more viable responses that actually panned out. Please don’t think I am a slut or anything…. I do not have intercourse with these guys and since I seem to be drawing a lot of guys with either breast fetishes or needing massages, any other slut-like activities are also off the table. One dude, I am going to call him American Pie because in the picture he sent, Oscar said he looked  just like Jason Biggs. We chatted some the night before meeting and discovered we had a love for the same TV shows (Friends was one and we both stated that Phoebe and Chandler were our favorites) and had both recently come to terms with the breakup of our long term relationships. He seemed friendly and nice and most importantly….sane. However, the guy who showed up was fatter, had WAY less hair and pretty much had moles everywhere…even all over his back. And he was the shortest 6 foot tall man I had ever seen, but he was friendly, respectful and quiet. We had a nice time, everyone got what they came for and he suggested I email him later in the week…I didn’t. Another guy I actually met with I have no name for…he was nice, conversational and made me feel amazing with his massage…he told me I was no way a disappointment and my skin was so soft and I was super nice. He says he wants to meet again before the weekend, but I have heard that one before. We’ll see. I have a guy who wants to meet but I have my doubts about him…first, he is not a fan of BBW, BUT he is a fan of big breasts and says I am proportioned well. My doubt with him comes from the fact that he flakes in and out on email conversations, blaming it on his bouts of depression. Apparently, he is constantly depressed and can shake it off long enough to hold brief conversations and you know what? I have recently spent too much of my life and energy with a flaky, depressed dude…damned sure not trying to get involved in that again, no matter how brief or casual the fling so I simply broke off communications with him. Since he has not attempted contact, I am guessing he either doesn’t care or is too depressed to notice.

Now, on to the actual date…since I told you guys earlier in the post that the traditional dating ad is gone, you have probably figured out he responded via the mutually beneficial ad. The guy was 50, tall and he is a meteorologist by profession. Not on TV or anything, but a meteorologist  nonetheless. He wrote me, saying he was looking for someone to get to know, hang with and be friends with…and just by him saying that, I KNEW he didn’t get the concept of a mutually beneficial arrangement. He does not drink, smoke or do drugs but did not mind if I smoked and wanted to meet for dinner. Well, I was in good humor and had been craving IHOP pancakes all day so I suggested we go to IHOP. He asked was I sure and here was my chance to go someplace really nice but I did not feel like dolling up and I really wanted those pancakes. He picked me up at my place (and I was looking cute) and I will say this: from the beginning I knew something was not quite right with him. He had rung my buzzer when I was so not ready and I told him I would be down in 10 minutes; I decided to take the trash down on my way out so I exited out of a side door versus the front door and dude was standing at the front door bobbing and weaving (no other way to describe it) in an effort to see me coming out the front door.

I thought that strange but he seemed pleasant enough and could carry a conversation. He understood the concept of the arrangement I was looking for and insisted he wanted it to be more than sex…he wanted to be friends and we could do movies, dinner…even day trips on the weekend. He is very recently divorced and said he had the time. Once we were at the restaurant (yes, IHOP IS a restaurant) , he kept looking at me…telling me I was gorgeous, had the smoothest prettiest skin, how cool and funny I was, how much he loved the way I was rocking the bronze hair color, how he could not take his eyes off me…. I ate.it.up. Seriously, after the emotional upheaval I have been through this past year and men who had to be beat with bats to say nice things about me, this was just what the doctor ordered. But then he started fidgeting….his legs kept hitting mine under the table and he was sliding from one end of the booth to the other and really not touching his food. I, on the other hand, was starting to get a little irked because he was distracting me from my pancakes….I swear, between his fidgeting and the screaming baby the next booth over, I was ready to order some pancakes to go but chose to order more and eat them there.

When I was finally fat and full of pancakes, we left…..and once outside the restaurant, he holds his arm out. I am thinking he wants to hold hands but instead, he hugs me close to him so we are looking like conjoined Siamese twins, except he was a tall white dude and I was a tall black chick. He asked would I invite him up once we got back to my place ….he knew what was expected of him and I am like: SURE! Pancakes AND money? I may do foolish things, but I am not a fool and once back at my place…it started out fine. He liked my apartment, my furnishings, my knick knacks…it was when it got to the mutually beneficial part that it got weird. He kissed me….and I think he turned into a werewolf or something and was trying to swallow my head. He was shaking, and grunting and sweating and I was thinking he was having a seizure or something. He told me I was so sweet tasting (maybe the cigarettes had not completely overpowered the butter pecan syrup) and smelled so great…he started pulling off shirt and shoes and when I pulled down the top of my dress…it was over.

He sat in my chair and kept looking at the floor…I thought he was embarrassed but when he spoke it was to tell me he was a sex addict and he had just relapsed. He had never felt such an overwhelming attraction to or powerful pull from a woman before and asked would I be his new addiction? At first, I did not believe him but the sweats, shakes and fidgeting are definitely tell-tale signs of some sort of addiction. I told him I was flattered by his words but in light of the fact I am a recovering addict, I was unsure of the validity of the first part of his accolades and I wanted to be no one’s addiction….I am done enabling. He said he understood, got himself together and wished me good night. Then ten minutes later (before I could even pick up the phone to call anyone about this), he rang my bell again. Said he missed me so much and had gone to the bank and had $100 to just hold me for a few minutes….and I let him back up. I could justify it by saying I was broke (not really….he just gave $75 and I have a few dollars here and there) or since he was going to relapse anyway, may as well be with me….but I was wrong. The man has a problem and I am not helping…hell, I am using him to further my own agenda and that is not who I am. I am not one to exploit a weakness. But, I let him in and I swear, I was putting him out in less than 20 minutes…you see, while we were laying there in the dark and quiet so he could feel some companionship and not so lonely…the man was HUMPING my leg!! That was it…he had to go. I did consider calling/emailing him the day after to see if he was okay and seeking help, but I think that would be hurting more than helping…Oscar agreed and told me to leave him be. Cuz thinks I should have milked him for all he had but what else can I expect from the guy who wrote the 48 Rules of Pimping?

So this is what has been happening with the arrangements….I am going to put myself back out there for traditional dating maybe after Thanksgiving. I am temping here and there so that is helping me to stay busy and out in the real world…and who knows who you may meet out there?  And other things have been going on: I bought the HOTTEST zebra print rain/trench coat that has Oscar jealous and will have men wanting me; my cutie pie burgundy pumps came and Artsy Craftsy will beg to borrow them…they are REALLY cute! I have told Cuz and Morning Person about the email exchange and they both understood and did not even raise their voices; Artsy Craftsy read the blog and is going to word her response carefully, but as long as she doesn’t take too big a bite out of my ass and threaten to break off friendship, I can handle it. I even broke down and told Buddy about everything and even Buddy understood…he is really sad that the him we knew once upon a time has disappeared. And him is still putting stuff out there and yes, I heard about it (hey… good gossip is good gossip)  but none of the Panel are jumping at the bait except to say amongst ourselves that BTH really is wearing his balls as earrings and the lack of class, taste and judgment are mind boggling, but guess what? They are him’s choices….let him live with them.

Okay, so I am headed out to the grocery store and will return soon with updates on Sister Someone, a blog post about Chef (his very first, all about him post!) and I will also have a guest writer on here really soon…SO excited! As always, thanks for reading and enjoy your day!

 

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