THIS is a blog post I do not want to write…and seriously, it is already written. I simply need to introduce it, conclude it and add in some commentary. I don’t want to publish it because I am scared…flat out scared of facing the wrath of Morning Person, Cuz, New Mommy, Artsy Craftsy and Girlfriend. You see, I sent the missive to him to say goodbye. I know him didn’t need to see it , read it or hear it but I needed to say goodbye…I needed the closure and I needed to tell both of us that his involvement in the process is finally over and I can walk into a future that will not contain him…and I am okay with that.
They say the most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained…and since I had to give myself what I needed to finally close this door (and you can believe me or not, the door is firmly shut), I decided to give myself this goodbye. Oscar tried really hard to stop me, but I knew what I was doing when I decided to tell only Tiger, Oscar, Bell Pepper and Chef. I did tell Quiet One, but after the fact and the dust had settled. I wanted to send it…not to start anything, but because I felt it was the right thing to do for me and I will give Tiger big props here: he was against me sending it from the jump. Oscar, who was doing such an incredible job of being logical and laying out all possible scenarios, I was able to persuade and she eventually told me to do what I felt in my heart; Bell Pepper and Chef have always been all for me sending it, but I think they had been rooting for reconciliation. I however, know that my newfound, tentative happiness and confidence has to be nurtured and that hope, no matter how small or fleeting, for a reconciliation with him would stunt that. I have to shut the door on all things him and sending the missive would do so…who knew it would end the fiasco (because in my book, this thing is over and done. D-O-N-E.) as messily as him began it?
Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel gets the invite to Ross’ wedding to Emily? Rachel said since she and Ross had been always been on-again, off-again for so long, she just figured that somewhere down the line, they would be on-again somewhere down the line, and that is how I felt for soooo long….one of us would always walk away, but we always came back to each other. She said that when it came to her and Ross, sex would always be on the table and she really wasn’t handling the news of his marriage very well. Which she wasn’t…she took all of her hurt and frustration and pain on the dates that came after Ross. I also did not handle him’s new relationship and marriage well either…the only thing I did differently was to take it out on him…him caused it, make him pay. So I am going to give you guys the entire email exchange…I swear, you have to read it to believe it.
Okay, it starts with me sending the open letter…. and I put in the letter that I truly do hope he is happy and can answer the rhetorical questions in the positive. I wanted his endeavors to be successful and that this really was the last missive as I had no desire to say anything else to him and I finally see he never really needed/wanted to know any of what I was feeling. I apologized for making this difficult on both of us, but the goal had been achieved. See, I know I blogged about how I felt he needed to read/see it, but it was really I who needed to send it. THIS is my closure and I am not one to leave things open-ended….that door is firmly shut and the ship has sailed and this was my goodbye to him and to us. It did not matter to me if he read it, deleted it, ignored it, whatever…I did what I needed to do for me.
But, in typical him fashion…he sends it to BTH, along with this: “I did not, will not respond only ignore and delete.” Commentary: WHY would you bring drama/controversy into your own home? You did NONE of what you said you would: you responded by sending it to your wife, you did not ignore it because you read it (him never would have sent it if he had not read it) and whoever is in possession of the email now, it is not deleted. I don’t get it..I would think you loved the person you married and would not do anything to hurt or upset them…especially an email from your ex who is telling you goodbye and good luck (a year later, but again..better late than never). I mean, there was nothing in that email that pertained to her or that would suggest she be involved in any way. But what do I know?
Well, this was the bee in the bonnet as far as BTH was concerned, and she wasted NO TIME in sending me a message: “DC My best friend is a police officer and I have turn this over to him. Stop harassing my husband or I will press charges. Stop emailing him and stop calling him.” Commentary: Like I give a rat’s ass who your best friend is, seriously. I was a little caught off guard with the phone call remark as I told you guys I crank called him repeatedly but there have been no phone calls since March of this year, so that is an interesting tidbit of info that he is still receiving crank calls.
I responded with:”I am not apologizing for my communication but I am sorry he keeps dragging you into his messes and expects you to clean them up. I do not care what you do/did with it. I have achieved my closure and am sincerely done as should have been evidenced by the email. As for calls…we did not communicate by telephone when things were good….Gold Digger #1 is his phone chick”. Commentary: total truth….I did not care about her police or pressing charges threat. SHE has no case…him does. And only in the beginning of this fiasco when I was off the chain and on a roll (is there a statute of limitations on harassment?) …and the man never said a word. Him never told me to stop emailing, to get over it…hell, he never told me anything except when I apologized for calling him a fat ass. Then he comes back asking after all I said, do I honestly think the only hurtful thing was him being a fat ass. I have to say yeah, because that is what him responded to. As for Gold Digger #1…she really was a harassing caller and I am serious…our communications were via email and text…after 2 arguments via telephone, we decided we just cannot communicate that way as we yelled and screamed over each other all the time.
I think I sent that email at maybe 8pm….at 6am, BTH comes back with this: “DC He’s my messes he is my husband. So any concerns he has are in my interest. Woman to woman it’s been over a year let it go. It is very disrespectful for you to email my husband regardless of whatever has or hasn’t happen. I am forwarding all your emails to the police and will let them handle the situation. BTH.”Commentary: First thing…he’s her messes…so him is more than one mess? Second thing: HOW many times are you going to say him is your husband? To me, that shows insecurity and ownership…impress me and tell me you love him and are in love with him. Third…she wants to talk to me about disrespect? I think your husband is the one who has disrespected you this time around as I sent a communication to him, NOT BTH. Fourth: again, you think the police scare me? I have been to jail before and trust me, I have faced down bigger and badder and I am still standing. Fifth: as if telling me a jillion times that him is her husband, she has now started signing her full name (she took him’s last name) at the bottom of the email. Bell Pepper stated that this chick must have stayed up all night itching to respond and her jealousies and insecurities are coming through loud and clear.
By this time, I am getting a little heated and I know this chick is beneath me in every way but I cannot allow her to think her threats have scared me off and seriously…she needs to know who the hell she is dealing with, but I have to remain calm before she does have a case against me (really, have both of them forgotten I know where they live and where him works?) , so I respond with this: “BTH…woman to woman….I have never had anything against you and still don’t. This started before he became your husband and it should have stayed between us. Yes, it has been over a year but you do not know my story or what I felt for that man…it has truly taken me this long to let go and find peace not only with the situation but within myself. My communication was to him to let him know I really and sincerely am done…I am moving forward with my life and endeavors and I honestly wish him happiness and success with his. I have never told him to leave you or to have an affair with me; I have not threatened him or you and am not harassing him or you, although I admit at the beginning I was out of control. Hell, I always left you out of it. You however, have emailed me with condescension and threats….so you can bring the police into it (I have friends there, with the FBI and even a couple of Judges) or we can stop this pissing contest and call it a truce. You have your husband, I have my closure and we all can live happily ever after. Commentary: Pretty much I was letting her know that I am the one with a harassment charge against her if she chose to go that far and I was not joking with her…I have an ex-boyfriend (whom I am still quite friendly with) who is a member of the MPD force and the neighborhood cops all love me; Pantyhose Dude is an FBI agent (yes, I know…I was in shock myself) and my last assignment that ended a few weeks ago? I was assistant to 2 Federal Judges who have offered to be references and have given me their home numbers to call whenever I need them.
Apparently, as dumb as she is, she got my meaning as she responds (yet again) with this: “Im glad you know police, FBI or whoever maybe you should have seek their help with your recovery. I sure if you told them or let them read the emails, they will tell you to let it go. I have seen every email you have sent him. Obviously him is over you because he has not been in contact with you. I seen somewhere about people venting with emails but not sending it to individual. It is now between you and I because my husband will not have any contact with you. If you have in questions or concerns contact me and leave my husband alone. If you need more therapy to get over my husband, I suggest you seek psychiatric help or talk with your police or FBI friends. BTH.” Commentary: to me, this is the most telling email. First, she proved she was full of hot air and empty threats because she backed down quickly from her threat of the police when she found out I know people too. Secondly, why is it so important to her that I “let it go”? I think the only people I have been driving apeshit crazy are the Panel, you readers and myself. As she stated, him is obviously over me (and I have to say I was flattered to hear that as I have come to the conclusion him was never into me at all), so it does not bother him. Hell, it did not bother him when I was sending 2 missives a day for a month straight…an email every 4 months or so should not be a big deal. Third: she stated him will not have contact me which set off alarms with Bell Pepper and Quiet One…she did not say him does not want to have contact…him will not and my girls are thinking it is because BTH will not allow it. I don’t know…don’t care. I am finally at a place of indifference when it comes to him…I have managed to rescue me from this wreckage and that is all I am concerned with. Amazing to me is how she wants to put herself in the middle of the messiness him and I had become…maybe it is crazy to me because I would tell my husband to clean this shit up and leave me the hell out of it. Where she states she has seen every email I have ever sent him…BIG lie. That chick would STILL be reading, and her eyes would be crossing and she would be on the phone with a divorce lawyer…quick! The man and I were very sexual and we were into alternative kink and I think you all get the idea. Lastly…she wants to make me out to be the crazy one…and maybe I am but that is not her call to make, so I sent one last response and it turned out to be the last response.
“At this point BTH, I don’t want contact with your husband so his not contacting me is fine. Yes, people have told me to let it go, but it’s a process…for me, it was a painful one filled with lots of issues, doubt and conflict. Doesn’t make me crazy and I refuse to allow you to label me as such. Again, you do not know my story or what I have been through…however, it is now over and I am going to wish both you AND him a successful marriage, a happy life and good luck. I am telling both of you…I am sincerely and truly done. If I see him on the street, I don’t know him. I have what I need to help me while no longer hurting others. I am moving forward into my future and neither of you are in it. Best to you both.”
And now, it is over…at least him’s involvement in the process is over. The reaction from the Panel members who know has been pretty much unanimous…those two are strange, weird and thank goodness I am no longer embroiled with that. Frankly, when the BTH began responding I was wondering if I did the right thing, but I am glad I did send the missive and him did what he did (does anyone other than me, Quiet One and Chef realize him never responded at all?) as it really does put the nails in the coffin…whomever him is now, I really don’t know him and do not care to. BTH’s petty attempts to belittle me and drive home the fact that him chose her only served to prove to me that she cannot hold a candle to me in any arena; I truly do deserve better than a man who finds classless, tasteless and apparently undereducated women who have multiple children out of wedlock preferable to who I am and all I am (crazy and all)…him is a coward who was never worth my time or tears. I needed to learn and see for myself , and as much as the BTH now wants to be besties with me, my Panel is full…we have room for one more and she is not the candidate.
It has shown me that I am still a threat after a year apart and him’s marriage to her (why and how, I have no idea); it has shown me that my Panel knows what they are talking about: Cuz warned that if I stayed with him long enough, I would be as crazy as him is, and for a minute, I was…Quiet One told me that him would send BTH the missive because it shows her that someone, somewhere cared for him in a manner she is unable to …Artsy Craftsy said they were weird and to stay far away. They were all right and I am just hoping that Cuz and Morning Person remember that they promised no one was going anywhere and we are members for life and after. I am hoping Girlfriend will say it’s okay and that New Mommy and Artsy Craftsy will not make my ass hurt too badly.
And in case you were wondering, I have not cried or wondered or analyzed this incident…I cooked, bought some burgundy patent leather pumps and donated to a worthy charity. I have a new chat buddy who seems cool and fun and we may do dinner or a movie and have fielded off some utterly ridiculous mutually beneficial candidates. I went on a job interview and while I was selected, there has been a snafu with the budget so I am on standby. I am still trying to put the cancer blog together (I want it to be hopeful, not depressing), cleaning my apartment , chatting with Oscar and planning a Thanksgiving menu and arguing my sis-sis. I have been living my new, single life and loving every minute of it. In fact, three words still do come to mind when it comes to him….they are: Go. To. Hell.
Thanks for bearing with me through this incredibly long post and as always, enjoy your day!