I know, I know…WHO wants to talk about holiday plans now?? Guardian Princess is saying it is way too early and to take one day at a time, but days are running short. Do you know it is 17 days until Thanksgiving and 48 days until Christmas? It is time to start making plans and getting ready and this year….I want to make plans and have fun and enjoy my family and friends. Last year, I was a complete and utter wreck….Thanksgiving wasn’t too bad; I felt pangs of loneliness and had crying bouts but Christmas was disgusting. I cried all day, didn’t eat and I think I crank called him all day long.
We all hear how time heals all wounds and this too shall pass and it will get better. All sound trite and clichéd, but they are all sososososo true. This year, I am not in the same place and I am not the same person. I am no longer all over the place with my emotions nor am I wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’. I am staying in the present, leaving things alone, letting go and concentrating on me and those who truly matter (about 89% of the time). I have a new hair color, new clothes, a new attitude and at this point….my life can go in any direction I want it to go in. Of course, I will not take it to some sort of extreme but while job searching, why not look in different areas and cities…like, Seattle maybe? Personally, I am realizing a lot of things and the one thing that keeps coming up is how I keep saying how happy I made him, how happy he was with me…but how happy was I with him? In the open letter I wrote recently I stated I knew my love was wasted on him…the man he was when I knew him and whoever he is now…and correct me if I am wrong, but that is not the statement of a happy woman. I did love him (and still do) but did he make me happy? It was once suggested that him was like a drug…giving me incredible highs when we were physically together and depressing lows when were not. One thing I have never associated with drugs was happiness…fun, maybe (not for long though) but not happiness. I have to objectively look back and see all the work and effort I put into our relationship and how little he exerted. I am seeing that the women he pursued before and I suspect during our time together were all what I believe (with good company) the BTH is: gold diggers, mothers and with very little regard or concern for him or his happiness…yet he married that type of woman while with me, he insisted repeatedly that was not what he wanted.
And you know what? Those are his issues and choices; I know that we all have issues and I want the person whose issues I can put up with and handle and who will put up with and handle mine without whining about how inadequate he is or how I deserve so much better. Is it that you think I deserve better or you can do better? I want someone who knows what a great person I am, what a good woman I can be to them and will realize what a gift he has in me, just as I know what a treasure he is to me and in my life. So, with these newfound insights, a Dating Game plan, a process that is yielding results that I can see and feel…I am ready for the holiday season! Still broke, but I can share my home, my food, my friendship and my love. So I have two scenarios for both holidays that I want to share with you and am choosing to ignore that my mouth may be a construction site due to dental care (yes, I am going to the clinic to start the process).
Thanksgiving: Hands down, my favorite holiday ever, and this year I want to enjoy it again. I am happier than I have been in a long time and regaining my emotional health and balance and time to do some cooking and socializing. My first thought is to go home to my parents for the holiday. I can scrape together some dollars for a round trip bus ticket (way cheaper and more stories to hear than if I rented a car) and go down the Tuesday before and come back the Saturday following. I would help my dad with the cooking by contributing potato salad and homemade mac & cheese…maybe even a small glazed ham for my mom, sisters and I to eat. And since my dad is a vegetarian, maybe the ham will be all the meat we need. I can veg out, enjoy my family, eat some of my daddy’s really good cooking and just have fun. Mom is corny so we will probably watch the Macy’s parade, share stories and being family, have an argument or two. I would be home and it would be wonderful.
My second option is to stay home and cook in my apartment…not going to lie, it has been awhile since some really good aromas have filled my rooms. I could do a turkey, stuffing, potato salad, mac & cheese, whipped sweet potatoes with marshmallows and greens. Guardian Princess would contribute a sweet potato pie and a chocolate pound cake and there would be ice cream. I could invite Mini-Me and my cousins Baby Girl (who both have birthdays that week, so maybe a sheet cake with Happy Birthday on it?), my cousin G-Man,my sis-sis, Bell Pepper said she would come over and bring drinks, Morning Person said she would stop by if it didn’t get too late and maybe take a plate to my neighbor downstairs. I would put out scented candles, I could smoke indoors (HUGE plus) and start making new memories in my home with family and friends.
Christmas: As with Thanksgiving, first option is mama’s house…I am spending one of the holidays with my parents and siblings and even though my brother will not be there, this may be the best holiday as my brother will most definitely call on Christmas and it would be awesome to hear his voice. We no longer exchange presents in my family but that is fine…daddy will make his famous Christmas breakfast and we will listen to Christmas carols and talk and laugh and reminisce. Later we will have a Christmas dinner and either watch movies or head out to one. It really would be the most wonderful time of the year and I would be spending it with the people who love me more than anything and I love more than words can say.
If I choose to stay home, it would be a quiet affair and no cooking. No decorations…just a small tabletop tree. I would do a Chinese buffet of sorts: I would order 3 large dishes from the Chinese carryout on Christmas Eve (shrimp egg foo young, Hunan beef extra spicy and some General Tso’s chicken), sleep in and maybe invite Mini-Me and my cousin G-Man over. I would make a dessert, watch movies, talk to my mama and just celebrate the holiday in an extremely low-key manner.
And you know what? Writing this out has helped me plan my holiday season…I am doing Thanksgiving at my house (not Thanksgiving in the hallway, but look for it to make a comeback) with my friends and sister and will travel home to mama’s for Christmas. Fun One usually has a Christmas party in early December and I have the perfect dress for that (it is silver, sequined and short!) where he has yummy food, tree trimming and games. I never knew how much of myself I lost during the fiasco but I do know I will never lose myself that way again and I am ever so thankful I am not facing another holiday season the way I faced last year’s. This year, there is hope and healing and happiness. This year, there is ME in all my awesomeness and fabulosity. So, before I suggest you guys enjoy your day, feel free to share your holiday plans via comments or email. I would love to know! Okay, NOW…enjoy your day!