There is something in the air or the water…I am feeling nostalgic and missing him (again) and forgetting that he did a really horrible thing to me. Artsy Craftsy is hating that my feelings are still so strong for him, but I am just glad that the feelings are coming in waves and the waves are further and further apart and that they are not as intense. UTA and Oscar understand, and I have to say I feel almost like a wanna be with UTA when I talk about my feelings and when I feel stuck and unable to move forward…not discounting my feelings but UTA is facing the end of her marriage and I just feel that divorce you don’t want has got to be far more painful and intense than a breakup….I am mourning what could have been; she mourns what used to be.
So in any case, I have been feeling really whatever towards him…I use that word because even though I miss what we had once upon a time, I also realize that the present is nowhere near that and who I am now can no longer accept him for who, what and where he is now…getting over him and his treatment has been among the hardest things I have ever had to do and no way can I go through this with him again. I am learning lessons, recognizing mistakes and the different me is finally seeing and embracing the changes that are being wrought. I wrote him an email that I have not sent and have no desire to send…for what? He is with the BTH now and regardless of what I feel and think, I have to accept that; my sending this missive will not change anything as I am unsure what the hell I want from him and him will be unable to give me more….and after marriage to another woman, I am so not settling for whatever the hell it was we had before.
I am going to share the email with you readers and the world wide web…it is just something I felt the need to say and for the first time, it is not something I feel him needs to read or hear.
I loved you so much…before I even knew I did. It sounds silly and stupid but I did. To me, you were perfect, and I saw myself in you. I would have erotic dreams of us when we were not those things to each other. I loved your eyes and how expressive they are; I loved your voice…I could listen to you talk all day and night. It did not matter what you said..as long as I could hear your voice. You know what I loved most of all? Your cigars! You looked so…something when you would smoke them and I loved to smell them. Even today, when I see a cigar or smell one, I think of you.
Your face…I could look at it constantly…your body, I could touch and never get tired of. It was beautiful and I thought you were so wonderful and handsome and your imperfections just made you all the more endearing to me. The stories we told each other, the secrets we shared. The way you would look at me as if I were the most beautiful woman in the world..the way you would kiss me and devour my body….as if you were a man in the desert and my body was the only water to be found. The jokes and laughter we shared.
I loved you so much. I tried to be everything you could possibly want in a woman….I offered support, encouragement, caring and unconditional love. I believed the lies and overlooked the excuses. I loved you so much, I lied to myself…that if I kept doing the right things, if I did not treat you as the others before me had, if I treated you like two kings and showed you how vulnerable I really was, you would see. You would know. I thought you could handle the truth about me as you had so much acceptance and understanding and no judgment.
Maybe I was hurting and not helping..perhaps my enabling was a detriment…after all, it is with me you had the inadequacy issues, the dysfunctions and the depression. But I loved you so much…so, so much. And I do not know why I say loved, as if I have shed you as one might a cloak….I still do love you so very, very much. A piece of me is still in love with you…but I love you enough to let you go, to let us go. I still see things, I still hear things and I know things…but you don’t know that I see, hear and know. I still feel things in my heart and at times it aches and yearns to reach out to you…to try and save you once again, to be your enabler once more…but I don’t. I can’t because you are no longer the man I feel/felt these things for.
You see, my love for you is wasted on you….it was wasted on the man I knew you to be and the man you are now? Not even going there. You will never know how much pain, hurt and damage you inflicted on me…even if you read my entire blog a thousand times and I tell you every hour on the hour until the end of time…you will never know. You will never see that if it had not been for me and what I offered, there would be no new life filled with a new family for you. You may realize that the grass is not greener on the other side, but will you ever realize how green the grass I offered was? I don’t know…all I know is we shared so much of ourselves with each other and for one of us it meant everything and for the other, it meant nothing. At all.
And maybe the issue is not that you won’t know or realize….the real question is will you even care? I mean, seriously, I have to accept the fact that in making your choices, you let me go (I may not like it and don’t have to respect it, but I do have to accept it) …and maybe even as you held me tightly all those times, you were letting go then and I never realized it. I want you to be sad you did and you can’t be sad, remorseful or regretful if you simply never cared.
I realize now that choosing what you say makes you happy over my happiness may be a selfish act, but honestly, who would not choose what makes them happy? I know I would….but are you satisfied with your choices? Are you really happy? Are you really in a better place than you were with me? As hard as this road has been that I have had to travel, I can honestly say that without you, I am still happy and definitely am in a better place. I am in a place of certainty, security and being loved unconditionally….can you say the same?
Maybe I am being melodramatic again…you know I tend to get that way and perhaps….perhaps all I thought we had was a figment of my imagination and this heartbreak and subsequent breakdown is some sort intrusion of a harsh reality…the parallel universe where we were together and happy never existed except in my head. Just know, I really did love you with everything I had…and I used to want my everythings back. I am healing and awakening from the depressed sleep and I see that the sky is just as blue, the sun still shines and the world doesn’t stop simply because I did…and I am becoming me again…and me knows that you were so unworthy of my everythings, but you can keep the ones I gave you. I have more to offer the right man.